This blew up today. - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #31 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 08:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

They are both denying that they are doing anything. I repeat, "Then show me the conversation. Why have a phone locked from me. Or at least show me the text when I ask?".

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post #32 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 08:45 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

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They are both denying that they are doing anything. I repeat, "Then show me the conversation. Why have a phone locked from me. Or at least show me the text when I ask?".
Geez. Just accept that they're lying and respond accordingly.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #33 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 09:21 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

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As things have progressed with the OpenMarriage life-style. I've already been thinking there are things not worth about it. I've talked a little bit about this situation with another OpenMarriage couple that we have play with (and are friends with) - as they too have been Open for 10+ years. They are not happy about the situation and shocked that she would do this, choose a 21yr old emo boy over family?
It is very common for a wayward spouse to "affair down". You can see it in countless threads.

I think initially, many waywards don't think they're at risk for falling for the AP, s/he is too fat, too ugly, too old, too young, etc. So they don't keep their guard up. They open up to the AP and suddenly the AP is meeting some emotional needs, often admiration for men and intimate conversation for women. It starts to feel really good to be with the AP, the APs spend more time together, and more emotional needs get met. The WS begins to fall in love. Then the contrast effect kicks in. Now the AP is terrific and the BS looks drab, doesn't understand the WS, is too controlling, etc.

Everyone else can see that the AP is a step down, but to the wayward, it's true love. It's like an addiction.

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They are both denying that they are doing anything. I repeat, "Then show me the conversation. Why have a phone locked from me. Or at least show me the text when I ask?".
You don't need them to admit to anything, they already know that they are an item. You don't need to prove anything to them. You're just giving them more opportunities to bond together against you.

It won't help to argue about what they are or aren't doing, or whether or not you "misunderstand". What matters is that you are unhappy with their relationship, period. It needs to end.

Usually the advice is to expose the affair to kill it. Your wife is cheating, but it's not a normal affair situation. I don't know whether exposure would help kill it. It might be very risky for you.

On another thread, it was recommended that the poster go onto poly forums. I do think you might find more help there.

"If we hurt, we hurt others. If we love....guess what? Easy math, the basics, really. Add love, subtract anger, multiple kindness, divide suffering." Emergent Buddhist.
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post #34 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 11:24 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

She can't even be friends with Wimpy and should switch jobs so she has no more contact. I would pitch to her as relationships like this have to be built on trust and she has broken that trust. You should also throw a clause into your little agreements about emotional attachment, however, as this has occurred once with her, it is likely to happen again. Can you handle that?
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post #35 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 12:14 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Yours isn't the first thread like this at this site. So far, I think the affair partner has won all the women.

How can a man go through life thinking any other outcome is possible?

Is your ego so big you don't think your spouse can possibly fall in love with another man. You have blatantly shown her you do not love her and cherish her enough and that you could care less if she has pornstar sex with multiple other men.

THE REASON SHE HAS CUT YOU OFF IS BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE FAITHFUL TO HER NEW MAN.

maybe in your next relationship you should try a little respect.


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post #36 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 06:58 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

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They are both denying that they are doing anything. I repeat, "Then show me the conversation. Why have a phone locked from me. Or at least show me the text when I ask?".
Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Why do you need proof? The actions/behaviors are pretty telling.

I was going to draw similarities to Pandora's box being opened, but I think others will assume a sexual reference. You hopefully get my point.

I think you'll need to be willing to end your marriage, and actually take actions to end it. Maybe it'll snap her from the fog, maybe not.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #37 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 07:21 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Btw, finding someone that loves her and doesn't want to share her isn't affairing down. That's affairing up.


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post #38 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 07:51 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

To tag onto what Chaparral already pointed out, why don't you try to see things from her point of view instead of your own? Right now she has two men competing for her attention.

Option A is her 40 year old husband who has made clear to her that she alone is not enough to satisfy him sexually and emotionally. He is fine with her seeing other men as long as it doesn't unnecessarily complicate life for him.

Option B is her 21 year old lover who is so taken by her that he is literally "enslaved" by his desire for her. She not only is enough for him, he is willing to make her his world.

Tell me if you were her, which of these two men would make you feel desired and cherished? Which of the two would give your beaten down ego a boost and make you feel empowered? Which one would you rather spend time with?

If you ask me, that's a pretty easy answer.

Last edited by EVG39; 12-22-2015 at 01:00 PM.
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post #39 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 09:06 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

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which of these two men would make you feel desired and cherished? Which of the two would give your beaten down ego a boost and make you feel empowered? Which one would you rather spend time with?
*sigh*

I tell people all.the.time that you can WANT your spouse to want you til the cows come home, but until you put yourself in your spouse's shoes, and see what would make him/her WANT to throw themselves at you, you won't succeed.

EVG39 is exactly right to look at what SHE is feeling.
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post #40 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 11:04 AM
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This is all too complicated for me, I don't know how you pull this off.



Sounds to me she doesn't respect you.

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post #41 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 12:13 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

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Sounds to me she doesn't respect you.
This.

And neither does Wimpy, but then again why would he?

You set "boundaries" that she keeps breaking with impunity. You're the real wimp here.
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post #42 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 12:44 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

At 5'1" what can't she do for you that whimpy can't ?

This scenario makes no sense. You are either withholding info to manipulate opinion to your advantage or a troll.

Can you start with what whimpy is to her sexually?
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post #43 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 01:14 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

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At 5'1" what can't she do for you that whimpy can't ?

This scenario makes no sense. You are either withholding info to manipulate opinion to your advantage or a troll.

Can you start with what whimpy is to her sexually?
Gotta be anal sex or jackhammering - something like that. OP must have a huge tool and cannot be as carefree with lovemaking like the less endowed lover...
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post #44 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 01:18 PM
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post #45 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 01:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

Rough holidays guys. Very rough. Heart breaking ****. She's been cold and such. But we have started talking.

@RoseAglow : I think you pretty much nailed it... I don't want to repost in the poly thread... or maybe a modification of this. But in reality - I don't have much time to do so. (Next post)
I'm learning the acronyms. AP (Another Person) WS (wayward Side?) BS = ???

@EVG39 : Excellent point. Makes sense, but when logic comes into play (when it comes to LOVE, you can throw logic out the window. Hell, I still love my wife).

@JohnA : My wife is small, I have some kinks (BDSM) that have little to do with this affair - but lets say, I'm not willing to hurt her. By all means, I've never hit a woman in anger or to prove myself. I'm against violence. What is wimpy to her sexually (read next response below) but here is what HE is, that I am not.
1 - I am a social drinker. He is a 21yr old alcoholic. He drink about 1L bottle of booze a night. Wife is confirmed, has a drinking problem.
2 - I am responsible for our home, child, bills, car, insurance, doc. appointments, shopping for food, etc. Wimpy only works to buy booze. In the 6 months that I've known him, I see his body falling apart. I doubt he'll live another 5 years, don't care. Crack and meth or whatever is his future. He's got nothing else.
3 - Music. They like alot of music that I call cRAP. Wife and I do like a lot of music that is not cRAP... but I can only stand so much.

@Plan 9 from OS: Bingo! Jackhammer. Really, that's all he does... and of course, unlike us older guys - he can do it for quite a bit longer. Oral sex, nope. Anything else, not really. Overall, its the uncontrolled drinking. He's just a ****ing machine, he should become a gigolo to make money.
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