This blew up today. - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #46 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 01:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

We're trying to work things out. We're going to be monogamous. Her drinking is out of control and she has agreed to go to AA and I have already started going to Al-Anon meetings. One of the requirements for me to allow her back.

We have had communication problem, turns out we've had for years and are learning how to talk to one another in a very different and effective way. We are both making life-changing choices.

We both ****ed up, we both did things we shouldn't have with ignorance and passive-aggressive bull****.

We both have work to do, some things will take weeks to mend, others months or several months to sort out as we attack each problem, one at a time.

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post #47 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 04:19 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

So has she stopped her relationship with her boyfriend?


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post #48 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 04:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

I actually don't know. I told her its going to be a while for that trust to heal.

I've been studying what and how a real Separation is supposed to work, and that the desired effect is not usually about getting back together.
That if a couple wants to repair the damages. Living away from each other is NOT the way to repair a relationship.

Hence... I'm starting to feel turmoil again. this sucks.
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post #49 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 05:45 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

It's sounds like your committed on your side but as for your wife it sounds like she only some what committed to working on your marriage not out of love per say but out of the limited options presented to her, she may be doing the right things but for the wrong reasons.
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post #50 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 06:08 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

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I actually don't know. I told her its going to be a while for that trust to heal.



I've been studying what and how a real Separation is supposed to work, and that the desired effect is not usually about getting back together.

That if a couple wants to repair the damages. Living away from each other is NOT the way to repair a relationship.



Hence... I'm starting to feel turmoil again. this sucks.

Well your first step is to get out of infidelity IMMEDIATELY.

You need to drop this separation stuff, that's a tool for couples a few stages further down from you. Right now you need out of infidelity and protect yourself, both financially and emotionally.

- see a lawyer. Draw up divorce papers. These aren't necessarily to divorce but at this point are necessary consequences for your wife not operating in earnest

- full transparency. You have all passwords, codes, etc. if she does not provide these then there is no hope

- unconditional No Contact. If he tries to reach out she needs to let you know. Block on all social media.

- your wife needs Individual Counseling in addition to AA

These are all bare minimums.


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post #51 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 06:27 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

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They are both denying that they are doing anything. I repeat, "Then show me the conversation. Why have a phone locked from me. Or at least show me the text when I ask?".
I'm confused Are you Whimpy?

This is some real stupid sh!t behavior

BS never deserve what they get but.....There are exceptions to some rules.

55

Endeavor to persevere for your love and happiness

Give up on yourself and others will follow
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post #52 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 08:07 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

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Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
We're trying to work things out. We're going to be monogamous. Her drinking is out of control and she has agreed to go to AA and I have already started going to Al-Anon meetings. One of the requirements for me to allow her back.

We have had communication problem, turns out we've had for years and are learning how to talk to one another in a very different and effective way. We are both making life-changing choices.

We both ****ed up, we both did things we shouldn't have with ignorance and passive-aggressive bull****.

We both have work to do, some things will take weeks to mend, others months or several months to sort out as we attack each problem, one at a time.
Nice. Are you doing this in front of a marriage counselor? There's a hell of a lot of crap you guys need to wade through, and I doubt it's doable without a professional in the middle at this point.

And you ARE requiring her to hand over her electronics, without passwords, so you can verify she's being 'monogamous,' RIGHT? Right?
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post #53 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 08:32 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

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Open relationships are like organized crime...

It's only a matter of time until someone gets bus tossed.
I agree. I don't understand open marriages and choose not to. I stay away from open marriage people like they are a plague.
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post #54 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 05:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

Well, she lied again about things WE agreed to do to rebuild our relationship. The next day, I notice a hickey on her neck and she finally admitted she's been cheating.

I've already getting my legal ducks in order. I've already packed all her crap (carefully with love) and about to load up and take her to her "new home" in an hour or so.

She's a drunk and can't think about whats she's screwing up, I need take care of whats left of the family - FIRST.

With my mind clearing *now* with reality and realization, I am going to be going be a free-agent, start dating again. But of course, I am in no condition to date or have sex with anyone at this moment.
I'll spend the next few months healing myself and going to the gym. I've got 40lbs to lose anyway and makes it easier for me to pick up chicks. I'll just date for fun, not looking for a girlfriend.

I've got a life-lesson that sucked, but I am seeing the positives.
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post #55 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 06:47 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

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Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
Well, she lied again about things WE agreed to do to rebuild our relationship. The next day, I notice a hickey on her neck and she finally admitted she's been cheating.

I've already getting my legal ducks in order. I've already packed all her crap (carefully with love) and about to load up and take her to her "new home" in an hour or so.

She's a drunk and can't think about whats she's screwing up, I need take care of whats left of the family - FIRST.

With my mind clearing *now* with reality and realization, I am going to be going be a free-agent, start dating again. But of course, I am in no condition to date or have sex with anyone at this moment.
I'll spend the next few months healing myself and going to the gym. I've got 40lbs to lose anyway and makes it easier for me to pick up chicks. I'll just date for fun, not looking for a girlfriend.

I've got a life-lesson that sucked, but I am seeing the positives.

one hour 17 minutes ... did you move her stuff out yet ?

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post #56 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 07:35 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

Maybe you should tie her up and flog her.
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post #57 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 07:39 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

Annnnd here we have yet another example of a wayward spouse being given the world on a platter and chooses to throw it all away.

And then there's me, who would give my husband the world on a platter and he'd rather throw it all away.

Id give my very soul for a second chance and then I see women like this. And I want to reach through my computer and throat punch them.
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I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #58 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 10:33 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

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Annnnd here we have yet another example of a wayward spouse being given the world on a platter and chooses to throw it all away.

And then there's me, who would give my husband the world on a platter and he'd rather throw it all away.

Id give my very soul for a second chance and then I see women like this. And I want to reach through my computer and throat punch them.
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LH, you were given a second chance! 2/3 years ago your husband gave you a second chance when he confronted you and you only admitted to a kiss. You blew your second chance(no pun intended) because you withheld some very significant facts about that night!!
Sorry about the t/j.
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post #59 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 11:04 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

I can't imagine why you brought a child into this nightmare of a so-called marriage. Who is taking care of the 2 year old while you guys are making contracts and searching for people to date and ****?

If you two had actually focused on, oh you know, YOUR MARRIAGE instead of being selfish, there wouldn't be the predicament you're in now.

ETA: Okay, I just have to add. My husband and I can hardly find time to go out on a date or spend time together, let alone have the time to date other people, lol.

Last edited by soccermom2three; 12-30-2015 at 11:09 PM.
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post #60 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 11:32 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

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LH, you were given a second chance! 2/3 years ago your husband gave you a second chance when he confronted you and you only admitted to a kiss. You blew your second chance(no pun intended) because you withheld some very significant facts about that night!!
Sorry about the t/j.
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Fully aware, but thanks for the reminder.

You know what I didn't do? I didn't continue my "affair". I didn't have continued secret contact. I didn't have any other interaction with another man. I never screwed around again, and wouldn't, even if I wasn't sitting where I am now.

Because even though I didn't fully wrap my head around what I did at the time, I still knew what I stood to lose and never wanted TO lose it.

I may not have had the best boundaries and interactions, but he didn't either.

But the one thing I NEVER did was go running back into the arms of the OM. My husband was never my plan B.

I made a choice that night to do what I did, but I made the choice after that to never do it again.

My husband rug swept. He never questioned me any further. He never asked for details, he never brought it up again. It is not his fault I didn't come clean sooner, but he surely made it easy for me not to.

Just like I've told every single BS on here.....you want details, you threaten divorce if you want answers. Otherwise, you are enabling your spouse to hide things.

Yeah, I'm paying the price now. And I have a ton of regrets. Most I probably won't ever get over. And I'd give my life to change them.

There's a good chance my marriage wouldn't have made it any way. Even if I hadn't done what I did. We've been struggling for a while. Long before this happened. But I was willing to stick it out.

He isn't.
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I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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