1) Everything below is a retype of a post I was was going to post a few days before. So no rush to re-do this. Because I forgot to copy the text before pressing the POST button – I had tried to select / copy quickly before the page updated... too late. Insert many curse words! ARGH! The one time I don’t COPY – my posts goes into the black hole.
2) My previous post about my wife’s sister’s affair was not planned in the timing of my post, I really found out the next day.
Okay, sucks re-typing this… So there two different things involved which is how we found about the sister’s affair. My wife wanted advice on a situation before she telling me about it. I can understand this as I’ve asked questions here or friends or spend days thinking about how to handle something. Her younger sister said “yes, tell Tador” and the other one said “No” And then proceeded to tell my wife about her ongoing affair, as it was exciting. Much to the dismay of my wife who has just gone through this last year. Sis saying things like “Sex is amazing, its naughty, its fun, its wrong, its just harmless sex, it would humiliate her teenage kid, needs to stop, but can’t.”. Unlike my toddler who knew that Mommy went a way for a good long while (by baby standards) and that Daddy was very hurt… a teenager who has a social network of friends that interact with their parents – that a huge mess to happen. My wife was beside herself – wanting a bit of advice but instead, she ended up getting to hear the other end of an affair from someone she thought “knew better”. Advice was given with warnings. Her teenager already senses that things are not “normal”. But overall, we are removing ourselves from the drama as the “It's just emotionless sex” is in full swing and she is deep in her fog after only a few weeks and won’t listen to my wife. They are already having their “business meeting weekend” stories or whatever that were needed to be told – which is going to create a loose end… that could start unraveling. Oh well – not our circus, not our monkeys. It’s the teen we are worried about.
Okay, now for the 2nd part of what my wife wanted help on. A few days before, a coworker from my wife’s job where the affair started, got in contact with her. (over a year ago and out of business) It was first a friendly “Hi” type of thing, but the very next text message from this guy, I will call “xcowo” is basically this: “I wanted to ask on my first day on the job that I meet you, but I thought it would be inappropriate as co-workers back then. Let's be **** buddies. You’re a freak like me and it’ll be fun. Fine if you don’t.” and soon later (no response from my wife – she’s at work as well) “Lets meet and ****”. Yeah, really folks – this guy – out the gate just asked a woman in a relationship out for a shag!
My wife’s response was “No. I’m not interested and don’t do that”. Xcowo changes subject about work instantly as if he didn’t say anything rude. He also texts “(AP-name) says you really **** ed him up when you dumped him”. Wow, xcowo is maybe friends with her AP and he’s trying to shag her.
My wife replied with something like: “I don’t need to know anything about him. Do not contact me anymore.”
Since xcowo is in contact with POSOM, then he knows some aspects of the relationship and that I am the “husband” and he also just asked her off the bat about sneaking off for sex. WTH is wrong with people?!
Typing this out a 2nd time. Gives me an idea to respond the text “This is husband. Contact again and I’ll contact the police, file harassment charges, etc” – the guy also has drug use issues. Honestly, I hope he and POSOM are doing drugs together and someday OD together.
So the timeline is: xcowo > wife > sister 1 >(same day) Sister2 > me.
She showed me the conversation on her phone as she doesn’t delete anything off her phone. I noticed the date stamp on the texts and noticed she told him NC before she talked with her sisters. She was worried about how I was going to react with xcowo/AP situation that had recently come up. I can understand her point of view on this as I have posted on TAM with advice as well as talked to friends to help sort out thoughts and plan out my actions. This may take days or so to do. My wife brought up a part in the book “Not Just Friends” that she read in regarding keeping secrets from the SO. On page 34-35, [ “Linda” was out with her family and they ran into her college exbf. He started calling her, saying “You are on my mind” and decide to have lunch with him – an innocent catch up meeting, but she was thinking about him more and more. She talked to her husband about it, realizing she was going somewhere she never should have. She canceled the lunch and told the exbf to never call her again. ] It was good that my wife remembered that, it showed she had taken in what she read in the book.
She said she is happy to be where she is now. Upset with her sister’s actions and what the xcowo and AP have said. I’m glad that she had agreed last year that we’re going to see our MC in a few months – we now have some things to talk about.
And we’re doing a yearly session or two to make sure we’re on track and keep him up to date… So if there are weakness we are not seeing, then perhaps he’ll catch them.
We spent about two hours last time on these issues, but also how we feel now and our plans for the future. To some degree, these two things have caused us to reflect a lot more on the past – but also for us to re-enforce what our goals are together. We both used better communication skills with this talk, which I think kept things clearer and not project thoughts onto each other. This is also when we talked about distancing ourselves away from her sister’s ongoing affair – to not get pulled that drama, not support it. My stress level went up a notch, and I noticed my twitches went up slightly too, like two very vey slight jerks. Otherwise, I’m feeling fine as of today.
Seems like life just wants to put up challenges or drama in front of you from time to time. Teamwork with your marriage partner gives strength. It's good to recognize these things, discuss them – than to rug sweep them.