This blew up today. - Page 43 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 1103Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #631 of 650 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 09:02 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,007
Re: This blew up today.

I would get rid of the liquor bottles if I were you. It may be for you but it may be a temptation for her.

becareful2 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #632 of 650 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 03:07 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,273
Re: This blew up today.

I no longer keep hard liquor in our home... actually, I stopped that last year before D-Day as her drinking got worse. I only keep a few bottles of things like Not your Fathers Rootbeer, to be honest we have forgotten about them a few times. She is doing very well in this area a coping skills are needed on top of AA. With data I looked at, AA isn't that great and sitting in a few meetings... I see a lot of "I'm 6 months sober. And they are obviously NOT sober."

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
post #633 of 650 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 06:13 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,273
Re: This blew up today.

Wow... I haven't posted here since 2016.

Quote:
(by sokillme) Just don't put all your eggs in one basket. Make sure you will be able to survive if old habits creep in. Stories like yours scare the hell out of me, but then again you probably know my MO by now.
I am aware of that... I have worked on myself to keep that in mind... like a "break glass in case of fire". If we get married again (which we both want) I told her on DAY 0 of reconciliation - that a prenup will be required if we get to that point and that everything that I have submitted/filed with court is not going anywhere. She said she understood. BTW, I respect you and many of the others here - even if and when I don't agree. No everyone has the ONE right answer - there are different ways to approach affairs, depending on the factors. Hell, even Gus - who irked me with his first post to me here. But I'd regard him as someone who knows what he's talking about.

I know it will hurt if it happens again, but I have a hardened shell - I think, I hope. I promise, if failure happens - I will post here with such an update. While I am responding to the quote above, it was a response to the text below (hehe) This text below is a paste with corrections and additions from another thread and it really belonged more here.

I am aware of that. We in TAM also see people who rug-sweep for decades and stay together in a bad marriage... WW and I have talked about this. I have run this through my head. I've asked a few times in the beginning of this that she has to be ALL IN. Not just for our son, either. That I did NOT want us to be together just till he becomes an adult. If she is thinking that in any way, then we need not try to reconcile. This was over dinner in an empty restaurant in the middle of the week away from our families/friends - no phones or VAR. Just us talking.

I know myself enough that I would never trust my wife or ANY future woman 100% again, ever. But I'll say this, her drinking was a major problem in our relationship. And all these months of her not being drunk on a daily basis is WONDERFUL. She is very clear minded compared to before. Her moods are very stable compared to before since she's not having drug interactions anymore. So yeah, honestly our relationship is healthier now than before the affair, sucks how we got there but it's easily true. Before the affair - I was considering break up options - had things continued on the path (and let's say there was no affair) then she'd likely be dead or we would have broken up by now anyway. Twice before the affair and 3 times during - her drinking and medicated use had put her in danger, with some ER visits in that she could have died if I wasn't there to help and solve these issues. I didn't know the full scope of the problem back then. I had told her this and she is aware of the danger she had put herself through and what I had endured. Not ever her blood family got her butt into AA meetings, sat with her and had long talks about these life choices for her mental and physical health.

Being clear-minded, her character seems a lot better. She is a much better mom to our child than she was before, more education driven, more protective and more aware of his needs. She used to sleep much heavier... unlike me, crying baby wakes me up. She is now hyper-sensitive to his noise and has woken up, startled even when he coughs. We are more family oriented rather than club/party. We stayed home for New Years. We are doing better still since we moved and remaking our home. She is smiling more today like she used to when we first meet. She is more like her good old self and more. I have noticed these things and have told her so. When I've been to her recent jobs - employees know who I am and we are PDA.

We still have normal couples issues, but overall - we really talk more, share our feelings more. I hope this continues to improve and lasts.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
 
post #634 of 650 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 07:42 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,273
Re: This blew up today.

Part two of my recent updates, my thoughts on myself and my "wife". I will continue to call her wife and by chance - someone told me this is normal. She does tell others I am her husband.

I would like to share some info I didn't before. As I stated, I have co-dependency issues which have greatly improved. I rarely go to meetings anymore which IMHO - many of the same people I see, are in a loop and not making any progress. It's awkward to me to be in a room with 8~15 people waiting for someone to talk, to share a thought or event. They helped me a lot, but I've got other things to do. My wife has expressed that I have improved my communications, my co-dependency issues are vastly improved - even I am aware of that. Thank God.

I have done a random check of her phone because I'm not getting any gut-feelings and I'm not finding anything that is out of place - this still builds trusts. I have had times of being a bit paranoid but, nothing there. This is getting better over time. It does bug me that I can't have my 100% faith in my wife - who knows, maybe someday I will, but I just don't see that happening. A lot of pain was brought upon me during the affair, which I *WILL NOT* dwell on, to try and remember that pain - is not healthy. It's a faded memory, it's like it's filed under "that was the MOST painful hell in my life". Even my healed bones don't hurt except when I sleep in certain ways, okay, its tendons and muscles that still need work.

* BTW, when it comes to "checking the phone" - there can be data corruption creating a false positive. On a night that I wanted to check out the tracking (which came up proper), I wanted to compare my phone's location map logs with hers. On my phone - the part that I wanted to look at - was gone, nothing, nada. Not the whole day - but roughly 5 hours. This possibility does suck. So keep in mind, the absence of proof is not always proof of a crime.

Have I had thoughts that "Am I doing the right thing?" A few times, usually when I'm not feeling well and depressed about other things. Then she'll do something on her own for me, even when she can't see me or see that I'm not in a good mood - that makes me love her so much. I do love her, and I hope that she never ever cheats again. One of the parts of "Not just friends" talks about healing and that the first year anniversary of the affair milestones are going to hurt, bring back thoughts and memories. This has been for the both of us (but also GOOD dates as well), D-Day / break-ups 2 & 3... we're fast approaching the day that would become reconciliation day 0 and 1 in May. After that, we're past those painful milestones but also the ones in which we decided to try again.

What I call R- Day 0, is that she asked me to come out and talk. But we didn't. We just caught up on things, ate, talk about our son. We did not talk about relationship issues. I went home - wishing we did more of it. Apparently, she did as well. We had planned to talk something about the A, but just didn't. Two days later, she asked for if I would give her another chance of us. That is when we had dinner and talked about *US*, what we want in life, why do we want to try. The co-dependency meeting and books had helped me, she saw the changes. She also said that she seeing the A for what it is, that she abused me, that she should have listened when I tried so hard in Dec 2015 to save us. But that she couldn't see or think straight - that I was in the way of what she thought was "special". We ended that night deciding to start MC together (As I was going alone - for myself, as the therapist didn't want her there anymore), that we will start dating and go from there. That she WOULD not be moving in for months, at best. OM ejected and we started our plan.
[ Recap: a few weeks later, I'm in an accident and badly injured, broken bones and ill, spent almost a week in the hospital. She was taking care of our son and seeing me in the hospital. She spent a few nights at my place to help take care of me and our son. Soon after, it became logical for her to move in and quit her job from across town where she was living. It would be many weeks before I could carry him, drive a car, or even sleep well. So much for dating ]

One of the problems with me, that I learned through co-dependency. Was expressing myself, learning to listen to HER and other people a lot better, and taking in information from other people. This has improved my life quite a bit. Even an ex-GF (she is really a friend) noted the improvement. The other thing was that I had hard-wired rules on how I would do things and how I thought things should be, while I thought I was open-minded and flexible - which I was, but I was also not expressing when things were wrong and bothered me (still working on that) or not accepting other people's feelings. A big one is jewelry. I don't really care for it - especially for me. I don't like metal touching my skin. I never wear watches or rings. I never got her an engagement ring and I never wore a wedding ring. That's just silly woman stuff.

It mattered to her. My memory remembered how she would look at rings, wanting me to give her an engagement ring which I never did. So she used one of her own rings as a substitute. "oh well, its just a ring an a waste of money" - right? No, it one of the ways I was hurting her. I finally recalled and took in the look on her face - the hurt in her eyes, that I didn't think much about at THAT time. I cried. It was important to her. And therefore it became important to me. This is something I came to the conclusion by myself and expressed it to her weeks later on R- Day 1. She said "It took you long enough" with a grin - but she also agreed that it didn't justify her actions.

Christmas and New Years has been family time with everyone. Kiddo got lots of toys, of course. Again, no drinking of alcohol - especially in such social events. We did not go out for New Years' eve. We stayed at home and enjoyed our time with our son. Excellent Superbowl game we watched together at home, even though I wanted the Falcons to win.

I owed her rings that I was supposed to pick out many years ago. So by myself, I've shopped in several stores for rings. Been trying them out on my hand. Feels so - alien to me. I've put it on in my car or out about by myself to get used to it. While its just a piece of metal, it is a symbolic sign of commitment to another person. She didn't think I was committed to her and I has ignored her when she had expressed her hurt about it, she was thinking I was looking at other women to leave her. (This is a part of many issues that fractured us). I had to return the ring I got for myself, it felt horrible. The 2nd one - I am getting used to the ring on my finger. It feels good.

Well last week or so, we just moved to a new apartment. It's great to be settled in, I have my home office now as well with a nice view out the window. Son is excited and has friends to play with. Our room-mate from the old place has moved into his own home. Our therapist thought the move would be good for us, and it has.

I have different kinds of stress, but overall - I feel good, all things considering. I've not refilled my meds for anxiety. My triggers/twitches are extremely rare and are caused by stress not related to the affair - at most, I just get startled by sudden loud noises. Because last years valentines went to crap - wife was feeling depressed for her actions. This is one of the areas we have improved with each other - when upset or feeling down / odd - to talk to each other. I hugged her, told her it was okay - that I'm okay with things and barely thought much of Feb 2016. Hopefully, this will be a good year for us and into the future.

A thought has come to mind which I will bring up with the wife, is that around May / June, I want us to do a check up with or therapist for a session or two. Not because I feel things are going badly - but that we haven't seen him since Dec 2016 and to talk. See how WE are doing, anything we could be missing or should be doing better. Share any concerns any of us may have. This is something we both talked about and agreed on: seeing the therapist once a year for a session or a few if needed to keep us on track.

Until next time...

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
post #635 of 650 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 09:41 AM
Member
 
eric1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 891
Re: This blew up today.

cool man, glad to hear that life is looking better!

I'm still very skeptical. Your wayward is one of the worst that this forum has seen in quite some time.

----
eric1 is online now  
post #636 of 650 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 05:07 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,273
Re: This blew up today.

OMFG! This is unbelievable!

Seriously shocked out of my mind. An Affair.... really! WTH!

My wife came home today after spending a couple of days away and tells me this after coming home.

One of her sisters is having an affair. I am completely shocked considering all the hell that my wife and I just went through 12 months ago!
This is the same sister that cops were called out and told the cops that my wife is the one ruining her life and off to jail she went.

My wife is upset, I am the only one she told and so far - isn't / hasn't told their parents about it. She told her sister to STOP IT NOW, because sooner or later its going to blow up in her face.
I feel for her because she is recently widowed, and I pointed out that such events create weakness. The man is 4x married (major red flag) and is friends with 2 women that are his ex and current wife.
They are part of a social circle at the school for her 15yr old kid, who is friends with other kids of these women. I figure about 20 kids in this band group.

The sis doesn't know "how it started" or how to stop. You can guess of course that Snap Chat is being used. A sympathetic man who listened to her, a touch, a kiss then "great sex" at his house.
Seems like it might of taken a few days to happen. From what I've learned here and books - this guy is a serial cheater. He told her "I've never done this before" - but I call BS on that. He's playing her, she fell for his trap. He is likely doing this all the time and with other moms from school. A wolf in the hen house sorta.

I've lost much respect for her... she should be better than this. She has seen the damage that such things cause. She has NEVER done this before, if so - my wife would have known.
If this gets out / they get busted - it will hurt her kid. Humiliated. The other mothers will turn on her like a pack of wolves.

I've gone enough on my plate and I'm not a friend of affairs. I feel for the teenager, who was devastated by what my wife did. But now the mom? So NOT COOL.

My take on this, advise her to go FULL NC, slam that door now. Uninstall slap chat. Stay away from him. Get therapy from a professional NOW. She's a widow from a great man and father.
And to get tested for STDs since he's likely banging more than a few other women. Her kid would get the worst of it, so many kids would know and would have to leave the band.

So not worth it.

My wife and I want her to get out of this mess. But we are put into a predicament - our goal is to suggest ways out. We, of course, do not accept what her sister is doing.
One thing is for sure, my wife is pissed off and disappointed.


So many cheaters in this world. Ugh.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
post #637 of 650 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 06:19 AM
Member
 
NotEasy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Australia
Posts: 542
Re: This blew up today.

Well, three paragraphs in I thought that was going so much much worse for you. I thought you found your wife was having an affair. At least it wasn't that.

And your wife sounds as shocked and upset as you. She realises the damage done by affairs and now she hates them, that is a good sign.

"Life wasn't meant to be easy;
but take heart, parts of it can be delightful."
Malcolm Fraser
NotEasy is offline  
post #638 of 650 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:01 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,273
Re: This blew up today.

It's still ongoing too. We don't think she believes us how bad it can get. She knows it's wrong. But it's "so fun".

If it is so good, then post it on FB, tell your parents. Shakes head.

BTW, I don't know any of those people in any way... Not even their names.

Advice will be given, but in the end - I think it'll simply be up to her or him. I believe he is a serial cheater and because of that - he isn't noticeable.

IMHO, that could still change with just a simple screw up from the less experienced cheater. Body language.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
post #639 of 650 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 03:40 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,273
Re: This blew up today.

1) Everything below is a retype of a post I was was going to post a few days before. So no rush to re-do this. Because I forgot to copy the text before pressing the POST button – I had tried to select / copy quickly before the page updated... too late. Insert many curse words! ARGH! The one time I don’t COPY – my posts goes into the black hole.

2) My previous post about my wife’s sister’s affair was not planned in the timing of my post, I really found out the next day.

Okay, sucks re-typing this… So there two different things involved which is how we found about the sister’s affair. My wife wanted advice on a situation before she telling me about it. I can understand this as I’ve asked questions here or friends or spend days thinking about how to handle something. Her younger sister said “yes, tell Tador” and the other one said “No” And then proceeded to tell my wife about her ongoing affair, as it was exciting. Much to the dismay of my wife who has just gone through this last year. Sis saying things like “Sex is amazing, its naughty, its fun, its wrong, its just harmless sex, it would humiliate her teenage kid, needs to stop, but can’t.”. Unlike my toddler who knew that Mommy went a way for a good long while (by baby standards) and that Daddy was very hurt… a teenager who has a social network of friends that interact with their parents – that a huge mess to happen. My wife was beside herself – wanting a bit of advice but instead, she ended up getting to hear the other end of an affair from someone she thought “knew better”. Advice was given with warnings. Her teenager already senses that things are not “normal”. But overall, we are removing ourselves from the drama as the “It's just emotionless sex” is in full swing and she is deep in her fog after only a few weeks and won’t listen to my wife. They are already having their “business meeting weekend” stories or whatever that were needed to be told – which is going to create a loose end… that could start unraveling. Oh well – not our circus, not our monkeys. It’s the teen we are worried about.

Okay, now for the 2nd part of what my wife wanted help on. A few days before, a coworker from my wife’s job where the affair started, got in contact with her. (over a year ago and out of business) It was first a friendly “Hi” type of thing, but the very next text message from this guy, I will call “xcowo” is basically this: “I wanted to ask on my first day on the job that I meet you, but I thought it would be inappropriate as co-workers back then. Let's be **** buddies. You’re a freak like me and it’ll be fun. Fine if you don’t.” and soon later (no response from my wife – she’s at work as well) “Lets meet and ****”. Yeah, really folks – this guy – out the gate just asked a woman in a relationship out for a shag!

My wife’s response was “No. I’m not interested and don’t do that”. Xcowo changes subject about work instantly as if he didn’t say anything rude. He also texts “(AP-name) says you really **** ed him up when you dumped him”. Wow, xcowo is maybe friends with her AP and he’s trying to shag her.

My wife replied with something like: “I don’t need to know anything about him. Do not contact me anymore.”

Since xcowo is in contact with POSOM, then he knows some aspects of the relationship and that I am the “husband” and he also just asked her off the bat about sneaking off for sex. WTH is wrong with people?!

Typing this out a 2nd time. Gives me an idea to respond the text “This is husband. Contact again and I’ll contact the police, file harassment charges, etc” – the guy also has drug use issues. Honestly, I hope he and POSOM are doing drugs together and someday OD together.

So the timeline is: xcowo > wife > sister 1 >(same day) Sister2 > me.

She showed me the conversation on her phone as she doesn’t delete anything off her phone. I noticed the date stamp on the texts and noticed she told him NC before she talked with her sisters. She was worried about how I was going to react with xcowo/AP situation that had recently come up. I can understand her point of view on this as I have posted on TAM with advice as well as talked to friends to help sort out thoughts and plan out my actions. This may take days or so to do. My wife brought up a part in the book “Not Just Friends” that she read in regarding keeping secrets from the SO. On page 34-35, [ “Linda” was out with her family and they ran into her college exbf. He started calling her, saying “You are on my mind” and decide to have lunch with him – an innocent catch up meeting, but she was thinking about him more and more. She talked to her husband about it, realizing she was going somewhere she never should have. She canceled the lunch and told the exbf to never call her again. ] It was good that my wife remembered that, it showed she had taken in what she read in the book.

She said she is happy to be where she is now. Upset with her sister’s actions and what the xcowo and AP have said. I’m glad that she had agreed last year that we’re going to see our MC in a few months – we now have some things to talk about. And we’re doing a yearly session or two to make sure we’re on track and keep him up to date… So if there are weakness we are not seeing, then perhaps he’ll catch them.

We spent about two hours last time on these issues, but also how we feel now and our plans for the future. To some degree, these two things have caused us to reflect a lot more on the past – but also for us to re-enforce what our goals are together. We both used better communication skills with this talk, which I think kept things clearer and not project thoughts onto each other. This is also when we talked about distancing ourselves away from her sister’s ongoing affair – to not get pulled that drama, not support it. My stress level went up a notch, and I noticed my twitches went up slightly too, like two very vey slight jerks. Otherwise, I’m feeling fine as of today.

Seems like life just wants to put up challenges or drama in front of you from time to time. Teamwork with your marriage partner gives strength. It's good to recognize these things, discuss them – than to rug sweep them.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
post #640 of 650 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 08:18 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 4,967
Re: This blew up today.

I have been rooting for you since you came on,TaDor, and am glad that your (x)w is sober and recovering. Very, very glad. For everyone.

Addictions warp people and create huge damage. Once the substance is in the rear view mirror, the person that emerges can be completely different. It's a perfect controlled experiment on the toxic effect of alcohol and drugs.

On your latest news, I think the following:

- Someone should expose the sister's A to the POS's BW. You are right that your nephew will be devastated if he finds out & the surest way for him to find out is for the A to continue. Eventually it will be common knowledge, probably to everyone but the BW. If she is informed, she could blow up the A before it is so deep that more damage is done. Perhaps you can find some way to inform her. (I know you won't, but wish you would.) Your SIL should be told relentlessly that one sure effect of her behavior is that her son loses respect for her, probably forever. She could lose him completely as a result of what she is doing.

- Your WW should not have responded at all to the creep who texted her. She should have blocked him and if he tried again to contact her, she should have gotten a cease and desist or RO. The whole episode effectively broke NC re that incredible waste of space that she was involved with. Imo, if she ever receives a communication like that, she should first inform you and you two should block the creep together.

- There are lots of alternatives to metal rings if it's the metal against skin that bothers you. Perhaps that's a way to go.

- I seem to remember that you were polyamorous when you first came to TAM. Are you two still in that lifestyle? I could be misremembering.

Cheers to you and your family - It's always good to see people in love working it out.

alte Dame is offline  
post #641 of 650 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:35 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,273
Re: This blew up today.

Quote:
Originally Posted by alte Dame View Post
I have been rooting for you since you came on,TaDor, and am glad that your (x)w is sober and recovering. Very, very glad. For everyone.

Addictions warp people and create huge damage. Once the substance is in the rear view mirror, the person that emerges can be completely different. It's a perfect controlled experiment on the toxic effect of alcohol and drugs.
Yep. We both partied hard - but I've always had better self-control, and could look out for her when she passed out, etc. I've had some fuzzy and black out moments like anyone who has drank too much at a party or club. But she did it way too much, hid it from me and just got worse. Having her being sober for so long, has been good and her side of the family is happy to see her doing so well.

Quote:
- Someone should expose the sister's A to the POS's BW. You are right that your nephew will be devastated if he finds out & the surest way for him to find out is for the A to continue. Eventually it will be common knowledge, probably to everyone but the BW. If she is informed, she could blow up the A before it is so deep that more damage is done. Perhaps you can find some way to inform her. (I know you won't, but wish you would.) Your SIL should be told relentlessly that one sure effect of her behavior is that her son loses respect for her, probably forever. She could lose him completely as a result of what she is doing.
Yep... smart kid but also holds personal grudges harshly. Wife and I are aware of the result if or when it goes boom. Neither of us know who this guy is or which "friend" is being betrayed. Sister didn't want me to know but I appreciate the honesty of my wife sharing such a thing with me. My wife hasn't asked anymore about the subject nor do we know anything going on in that area since my last post.

Quote:
- Your WW should not have responded at all to the creep who texted her. She should have blocked him and if he tried again to contact her, she should have gotten a cease and desist or RO. The whole episode effectively broke NC re that incredible waste of space that she was involved with. Imo, if she ever receives a communication like that, she should first inform you and you two should block the creep together.
She didn't know he was going to ask that of her, she had no clue... it was a FB friend request and he had not worked for the same dead company as the POSOM while the affair was going on. So it was odd that such a message came out like that so quickly. She shut him down, told him no more contact and blocked him. I only meet the guy once. My FB page is blocked from unknown people. The situation is not a RO level thing. There was never much chatter between creep and wife during those old days.

Quote:
- There are lots of alternatives to metal rings if it's the metal against skin that bothers you. Perhaps that's a way to go.

- I seem to remember that you were polyamorous when you first came to TAM. Are you two still in that lifestyle? I could be misremembering.

Cheers to you and your family - It's always good to see people in love working it out.
I've gotten used to the metal some time ago. A non-issue. Wife wants nipples pierced thou...

While in my head, I'm "pro poly" and have social friends in RL and FB who are OR/poly, etc. I'd rather be mono with my wife than be out in the dating world and banging 2~6 different women a month, drinking etc. So to answer your question, we are not active in that aspect of alternative lifestyles.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
post #642 of 650 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:47 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,273
Re: This blew up today.

So a bit of a thing.

Sometime last week, wife got quite ill and had to be hospitalized for a couple of nights. A friend (exGF Debbie from 12 years ago) told me wife needed to go to ER. Debbie helped me a lot through the affair with legal and medical help when I needed - one of my closest friends who got me through this when I was at my worst. Debbie (happily married) has taken a while to warm up to the (R) between my wife and I.

So wife got IV and various medications for pain. And keep in mind, she's on two meds for bipolar/anxiety already, every day. When she returned home with 4 scripts - she's been a zombie or passed out/asleep because of meds that were given to her from the hospital and the scripts filled out afterward. She even fell and lightly hit her head against the wall - so I walked her to the toilet, etc to keep her from injuring herself. Wife acted like she was very drunk (she wasn't) and I checked on the meds and found out they cause severe drowsiness, mood-swings and confusion - which I would soon be reading about. The other aspect was her personality change - when she was somewhat awake, she was cold - distant and generally a ***** to me and anyone else, such as some of her family who came to visit. Which she doesn't remember.

The harsh one is when she brought up the AP as well as insulting me. She was soon passed out and wouldn't start to wake for about another 24hrs - even knocking over our toddler without noticing her actions. - He didn't get hurt as he was wrapped up in a blanket and thought it was funny. Wife's mom saw this. I told her mom about her daughter talking about the POSOM, which the mom was not happy about. Sometimes during this - when she was semi-awake, she'd argue about wanting booze and for me to go out and buy some. I did NOT but or supply any alcohol.

I talked about this situation with a couple of friends, including Debbie. They have some understanding of medication - especially Debbie, who is VERY bi-polar, in magnitudes worse than my wife. She's great for legal/medical issues and has been a good friend - but she is wonky otherwise. Debbie had me remove some of the script meds, as they shouldn't have been given to my wife to begin with - without talking to her reg. doc. Debbie had taken some of these meds many years before and told me that they really distorted her sense of reality. I also found out from wife's family that wife had taken her hospital script pain pills when I was away for several hours - very bad, since she took them 2 hours earlier (not 6/8 hrs). Wife was NOT aware she had already taken her pills. So when I got back, I counted the pills - in one script, she had taken 5 more pills than should have and the other, 12 pills in the timeframe. From that point, I researched all her meds and managed the rest of her pain management. The next day, wife starts to lift out of the medicated fog. She asked about going out on a date night, to a show we planned to go to for months - while I was out with our son, getting food. By the time I got back in about 15 mins - she had passed out again and slept the whole night.
In another 12 hours, she is almost her normal self, interacting with me and our son normally - asking and talking about things like NORMAL. I, of course, explained that she was in NO condition for us to go out the night before. I also keep her parents up to date on her condition.

I gave her another day to get better before having a talk about her being sick and what has happened. She said she didn't remember much of anything for the two days she was back home, which I believe. She was beyond "drunk". She was upset about bringing up the AP and the insults, including sometimes not wanting me to help her walk to the toilet. - she needed that help. Even saying, "I don't like to hear about what I did or said" - that wasn't about rug-sweeping, just "I don't like that I did those things". So I asked her if she wanted us to be together? She said "yes, of course" - and brought up she was confused why her mom had asked her earlier how things between me and her. That it makes sense.

During this talk about what had happened, she brought up that she wants us to go to our MC to help sort out why she did such things. He's good at helping her get her thoughts sorted out and expressing herself. I had decided to tell her myself about seeing the MC while she was still zonked, but glad she felt the need to do so and asking us to do it. I'll call him today and see when he's available.

Since she "woke up" - she wasn't bothering me about wanting booze. Seriously, it was like she was a very drunk OLD her - but without the alcohol - when she was awake enough to speak, it was demanding for me to provide hard liquor. I told her parents about that of course, to make sure she wasn't given or drinking any while I was away. Drinking and taking some of those meds would have been deadly. Since she isn't in pain, she isn't finishing off the scripts and one in particular that effects of bi-polar meds, will be discussed with her dr. but with NO plans to ever take it again... what a waste of $90.

I did check her phone of course, which she had forgotten where it was several times when she was a zombie... like it was 2 feet from her, that she last touched it 5 minutes earlier. There were no communications between her and AP or anyone else.

I feel that the situation with her sister, being in an affair - has got her messed up sub-consciously. I was wondering about it since we both found out - since this sister has been the religious "moral" person type. I'm keeping things in perspective... did it hurt me, yes. Not much. I have thicker skin. Also, when I was very sick last year - I remember some hallucinations - thinking and feeling about things that were not so at the time. It sucked.

Stumbling block... yep. I don't consider it major at this time. I plan on 2~3 sessions with MC.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
post #643 of 650 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 04:44 AM
Member
 
NotEasy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Australia
Posts: 542
Re: This blew up today.

Don't want to 'like' a post that starts off with your wife going to ER and continues on a bumpy road. But through it there are some positive points, you supported her, you didn't react too badly to the mention AP and once awake she says the wants to be together.

R is hard, and who knows the future, but it has a good chance while you both keep moving forward like this.

Re-reading the post I can't decide what triggered her illness, perhaps the stress over her sisters affair.

"Life wasn't meant to be easy;
but take heart, parts of it can be delightful."
Malcolm Fraser
NotEasy is offline  
post #644 of 650 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 12:39 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,273
Re: This blew up today.

No, the illness was physical - it can out of nowhere, they had to medicate her in the ER - the drugs were NOT for mental stability, her BP was extremely high. I'm sorry that I'm sometimes vague on things - it allows me to say "that's not my post" if it ever came up.

When she "woke up" after NOT being on the meds - she didn't say anything about "wanting to be together" - because she doesn't remember what happened, or that she had just taken a drug or where is her phone or vape, very abnormal situation.

The both of us are not stressing over her sister's affair. We don't know who it is and there is a long physical distance between us + our own issues, we are only going to get involved is IF she asks for help on ending it. She's in a fog and we both are not going to waste our time and end up getting stressed.

I think the sister's affair had a play in her hallucinations. Just like when I got very sick or other stressors may cause me to twitch/jerk which then reminds me of her infidelity.
It was easily a step back from her actions when sick & medicated. Having an EX from 12 years who is on MY side before my wife's who knows what those meds feel like, tell me its junk/confused thought process and its not real - has been helpful.

This morning, I wake to a massage and she played some music for me that she wanted to share.

She knows it'll take some time before I hit 99% trust. I told her she can build, it won't ever be 100% - but she can hit 99.9999% She does continue to be a better / sober person that I very much love. Perfect, no. Nobody is.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
post #645 of 650 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:00 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,273
Re: This blew up today.

I have two different things to discuss.

First, should I make a PT2? I was planning on retiring THIS thread (in a sense) at the 1 year mark of (R) which is mid may. To do any updates or questions or anything else.

Second, not a doozy but this is where talking comes in handy. Wife and I still try our best to talk about our feelings and such - still pretty good. The situation with her sister has caused some problems... as she also used her big sister as her rock, voice of reason - when she wants advice, etc. Things that are easier to tell you siblings than your parents - even when you ARE an adult! Even I talk about things with my sisters that I don't with my mom. We had a couple of long discussions of the things she said when she was ill. Yes, she sometimes has the AP on her mind - but wants nothing to do with him. When I snooped her phone, especially recently* - her texts to some people shows that. *Had to replace her phone, factory reset failed for exchange so I had to dig in deep to back up and delete personal information, the cache, etc. Found all kinds of interesting and sometimes naughty things that is *garbage* on her phone.

For tax purposes, she was/is in contact with the wife who owned the now-defunct company my wife worked at to get paperwork. (Owner "boss wife" and husband had provided a place for my WW and AP to live - the husband is an alcoholic beyond belief) to get her W2 and some chit-chat crap which I told her is not good. The AP still lives with Boss wife as a "little brother" for whatever reason - I don't give damn. Come to learn the following from both my wife's mouth before and the text I read from her phone:
1 - AP has gone off the wagon a number of times. And a few weeks ago, is now dealing with a drug possession arrest. My wife did not ask - Boss wife brought it up and included "he's got issues".

My take on it: Boss Wife need to go away. It will be a requirement and will discuss with MC. There is nothing from her that we now need. (more on this in a bit). It's a window to the AP. Wife says she wants no contact with AP. His continued messed up state is his problem - not ours.

2 - Boss wife's husband was having an affair with a 19yr female employee that started at the same time as my wife's affair with the male-co-worker. AP and the 19yr old used to live together / sex etc. Boss wife did NOT know of the affair when things were going on with my own drama. I told her there were clues of it over a year ago, and pretty much stayed NC with her. So its interesting that Boss Wife tells 19yr girl that she abused her trust and had relations with her husband. Meanwhile - having a cheater 21/22yr old living with her and her husband.

3 - I let wife meet up with Boss wife to talk and get her paperwork. I was aware that some talk was going to happen. Wife wanted to tell Boss-wife that She is happy with where she is (in person) while getting her paperwork. (This was also in text weeks before). I am more indifferent about it. She screws up again... It was short, not far from home and wife returns and gives me low-down. Some of it, I already discussed (AP jail) but that Boss Wife is upset that I am blaming her for causing problems in my family. Sorry - but you provide a place for two employees to live - in which one is fighting with her husband, accusing her of having an affair with the other employee - yeah, you DID stick your nose in my business!
WTF, people are stupid. The other co-worker (earlier post) who out of the blue, asked to be F-buddies with my wife, stated that Boss Wife shouldn't stick her noses in other people's business - yet he had already made a sexual advance at my wife. Either thou he is blocked on FB - he'll get a message from me to F-off or he'll feel some legal pain.

4 - So Boss Wife wants to meet me somewhere for a bite and talk, said she didn't know all of what was going on at that time - and ASK for advice concerning how SHE is dealing with her husband's affair with a 19yr old girl. Apparently, that affair ended last summer. She and her husband argue, she is mad at him - but they both want to stay married. I had to think about it... sure. Okay. I'll give her advice on her affair (Go to MC - read - heal) - but her relationship wit her husband is NOT the same as me with my wife... in that we don't get into arguments. Yeah, we have serious talks - sometimes get upset with each other, but no fights. We talk.

But also at this meeting, I'm going to tell her my point of view of things and that her "little brother" is still a little turd AP - like the 19yr old her husband was banging. I'll play back a recording of the AP threatening me. I'll tell that having contact with my wife - I DON'T CARE that they are BOTH MOMs with young children - *IS NOT* healthy for any of us. It's not good for me, my wife or the AP. Maybe going to prison for a few years will finally clean him up... I don't care. In the end, only time I want to hear from Boss Wife is if my wife make contact, otherwise - she and her husband need to be out my family's life.

That's my plan.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
cheating, lies affair, texting

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I think I lost a friend today ExiledBayStater General Relationship Discussion 10 12-11-2015 06:42 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome