This blew up today. - Page 44 - Talk About Marriage
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post #646 of 650 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:54 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Boss, boss' wife, etc need to go away and stay gone. Change phone numbers if necessary.


Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #647 of 650 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 08:10 AM Thread Starter
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Yep. I'll still do the meet up for my own reasons. And since she is a BS now, then she'll hopefully understand why I want her to bug off... But in a nice way.
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post #648 of 650 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 08:28 AM Thread Starter
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Okay. There was a 3rd element I forgot to add... While I consider my MAC to be generally good, he's not perfect, who is? He has had some 1 on 1 with us... That was helpful to me at times. But where he had a flaw with my wife is on honesty.

In our recent talks, when she talked about having? thoughts on the AP... She asked the MC if it was something she should share with me. He told her "no" and that with time the AP will fade away. As stated in the "Not just friends" book and that my wife is not a robot. It's expected that her feelings will take a while as well. I said I had my bad days as well... But they were not the same as hers since I didn't have any happy memories to forget. Her response was "you don't share with me when you're having a bad day as well". This wasn't in an insulting tone, but her point was valid. This is why it bugged the hell out of her that she lost the ability to vent to her sister who is in her own fog now. Ugh.

So we both are not sure how to help each other in this aspect. Any advice?
What I do is think about the good things about my wife and how she is so much better than before.

Her way has been thinking about the bad things that they did and the people she hurt, especially me.

But we want to be able to support each other...

I'll be setting up an appointment with the MC today, may take a few weeks to see him. I was planning on doing this in June... But in light of the recent things, we both want to see him for a session or two.

I do appreciate that she wants to work on us and not run away or rugsweep things. We are trying our best.
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post #649 of 650 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 08:41 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

@TaDor, this may sound a little childish, but bear with me.

When I'm having any sort of communication issue with my husband, because I'm so in-tune with good communication, I try to look at the source of the blip.
He's not at all expressive and I'm somewhat overly expressive. Part of me tends to hope that people will act in the same way that I do. My husband chooses not to tell me all sorts of things in regard to his feelings because that's just how he operates. Kind of a "get on with it and don't tell the wife" attitude. Problem is, I have to deal with his frustration when it arises due to things that I don't know about... because he won't share.

When I sense these rougher times, I literally sit down with him and play a game of conversation cards. I have about 5-6 different packs and I always find something new on Amazon. Thing is, when we do get talking about issues and things that ignite us both, the communication flows effortlessly. That effortless flow in some areas leads to greater chance he will share something more personal on his mind that is frustrating. It's like setting a baseline of comfort, for both of us, by doing something innocent like describing what we would do if we ruled the world, or what our favorite memory on our wedding day was.

So as I said, kind of childish and maybe corny, but it's the exercise of it that I personally find helpful. Not sure if it would be helpful for you as well.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #650 of 650 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 04:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

I've not had that meeting yet with Boss' wife. Should still be within a week or so. I'm cool with myself having a line of communication with her "just in case" - but the wife, no - she has no reason to do so. Should meet up with this woman in a week or so as I have other more pressing matters.

It's just over a year since I threw my wife out of our home. I actually forgot the exact date among a few things about this time a year ago - I'd say it's a good thing to have missed such dates as they become less important.

At least wife's oldest sister is no longer fooling around with a married man. But IMHO - that, of course, doesn't change what she does or what she is willing to do. If you're going to have sex with a friend's husband - then doing that to a stranger would be much easier.

Somewhat oddly, a few of wife's friends have been involved with infidelity (WS and BS) and have talked to us about how we are working things out. When I blew up my wife's facebook with what she did a year ago, I guess some of her friends remembered that, but also see that with all the carnage - that we are back together again. One particular friend, I'd like to share - as he is has been cheated on by his GF of 3 years (now fiancee), but also they are both waywards. They are in the medical field, well known for mass cheating or sex among the staff which he has confirmed. I've only met him twice when he was still with his wife, because of distances and time, he's a high school friend of my wife. So we invited him over this past Saturday for talking, him to vent, etc.

He was married for 11 years without cheating on his H.S. sweetheart, but she was going downhill years ago - no sex, no nothing. Refused to see doctors for medication or therapy, begging her to get help. My response was: "Should have left her first". The co-worker he cheated with, cheated before him, and for a childish excuse of a reason (I'm not saying why) when she cheated on him a few weeks ago with 3 other men that are also his co-workers. He had fantasies of a revenge hookup with a GF of one of the guys who had sex with his fiancee (what a drama mess that would be). He loves her, she says she loves him and is "trying to prove" herself to him, going to IC and MC, begging him not to leave her. She was nervous of him being in my home, as she knew why he was over here, texted him a few times - which he ignored. Oh, he did state that he's being hit by karma.
I did talk to him about my own drama and what BS my wife did and how we got better, changed things - while she is in the same room. We also intermixed this with fun / off topic things so it wouldn't be so gloomy. I told him I'll give him my advice with what I know, what I learned here and books, my opinion with my own experiences before my wife's affair. Apparently, their relationship has been good - he has been aware for years that as they are both cheaters, that it would be challenging - especially combining the home of 2 kids each, under one roof. I said he may not like it: I said his wayward will NEVER change. That she likely had sex with more than the 3 guys at work (he agreed). That it was unrealistic to expect her to change, even tho their MC pointed out her flawed logic. No matter what, she's going to want to have sex with other guys. He'll either have to live with it or leave her. So to stay, he'd have to grumble while she got her side-penis from time to time... or go for an open relationship, that she is doesn't lie anymore and no more co-workers. If she gets side-penis, that he's allowed side-vagina.

Apparently, she has already offered him threesomes with another woman (FMF) as a peace offering. I replied, "That means she already has a female friend or two that she is aware that wants to have sex with you who are also likely cheaters themselves". Of course, if they become OR it doesn't mean it would save their relationship. He likes the idea of FMF threesome, but not the idea of her getting banged by other guys. "She is already getting it by other guys. Either dump her or learn to live with it and get something out of it. If the rest of your relationship was bad - then dump her for sure". He's never shared her with another person. They made it this far. He enjoyed the talk (as did I) and left undecided what to do, but aware he had 3 different choices to make. She is attractive, his type of woman, does everything imaginable sex-wise which he doesn't want to lose. Of course, by allowing their relationship to open - he is also "forgiving" her for what she has done. FMF isn't exactly punishment - but he's thinking about it, and not something he'd do soon - he isn't sold on it. She has never done FMF with him or with anyone apparently - and willing to do that until he is "satisfied". Of course, he could still do the FMF for a while and then dump her. Besides continued MC and some of the books I have read (I leaned him two of my books), I have nothing more to offer him - the rest is up to him.

I feel that my life is simpler. Thank god.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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