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post #61 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 11:49 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

@LosingHim, I've not been in your thread in a while, but I've read probably a dozen or so posts outside your thread in which you describe your husband and his douchey behavior, and I just don't get why you're so broken up over the end of your marriage. Hell, even when you do your best to describe him in such a way that he doesn't come off like a colossal d**chebag, he STILL comes off as a colossal d**chebag.

Yeah, you cheated. In doing so, you violated your integrity, your values, your morals, etc. Accept that, learn from that, and strive to do better.

But do that for YOU, and do it either alone or w/ someone else. Your husband doesn't deserve it.

Don't wait for him to file. Do it yourself.


Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #62 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 05:38 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

This won't be the end of it. This will be a long song and dance and Tador will take her back again only to be burned again. I am even inclined to think that she doing some hard drugs like meth with this guy

Tador, protect yourself financially and protect your kids. Time for some tough love even though this is someone you shared your life for a long time. Like I said, if she runs out of money for the drugs, you will see her get real nasty about stuff.
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post #63 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 07:28 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Finally you decided to do something. Remember this is only the begining. You have a lot of to learn.

You are in your 40s and I am younger then you,but my advice for you is to grow up. Do it for yourself and most important for your SON.

In another 5-10 years he is going to look after you and you need to be a good father and good man. Let him learn from "new you".

Also let this be your school about dating,marriage and stuff like that. I always read stories about marriages like yours and belive me it will never work out. When you have third person or worse more,then your marriage is going to fall.

Stop listening people who tells you it works for them. They stick together because they have to,like for children sake or for paying bills. Nobody is going to take you under their wings and pay bills for you.

Your wife is going down the bad road. Maybe she is "high" now. She is happy with young lover bla bla stuff but doing alcohol all the time and finding happines in it is stupid.

One more thing. Stop calling this guy wimpy or something liek that. You asked for it now you got it.

Maybe you should blame yourself and why you allow this to happen.
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post #64 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 07:44 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

So far this has followed the exact same script as the other men that have come here with open marriage problems. Amazing
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post #65 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 08:09 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Tador, she is now in a new relationship and you are the outsider. Things may change, but two things are certain -

1. Nothing that comes out of her mouth will be the truth

2. You just protect yourself financially IMMEDIATELY. Her boyfriend is whispering in her ear likely as you read this, and you can sure as hell be assured that in addition to getting laid he'd love his alimony-rich girlfriend to fund his next five years of drinking. TALKING TO A LAWYER HAS LITERALLY NO DOWNSIDES. YOU MUST MUST MUST MUST MUST MUST MUST MUST EDUCATE YOURSELF. You are literally the only person who can protect your child, let your paternal instincts make that lawyer appointment


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post #66 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 08:59 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LosingHim View Post

My husband rug swept.

He never questioned me any further.

He never asked for details,

he never brought it up again.

It is not his fault I didn't come clean sooner, but

he surely made it easy for me not to................

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post #67 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 11:10 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

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Originally Posted by G.J. View Post
I never said it was the right or the good thing to do. I never said I was a great person for doing that. I'm being HONEST.

I did what I did and I wanted to forget about it. I wasn't in love with OM, I didn't have any good feelings from what I did. I felt dirty and full of regret. I wanted to go back in time and change what I did. I wanted to act like it never happened.

Him not pushing me to tell more details, not talking about it, ignoring it and also acting like it never happened made it easier for me to "keep my secret".

He rug swept, I rug swept. I pretended like it never happened. I was never forced to accept responsibility for my actions, and I was too immature to do it on my own.

That is why I always encourage BS to threaten divorce immediately and at least appear willing to go through with it if they want the full truth.

I'm not saying what I did makes me RIGHT. If anything it makes me more WRONG. I get that now. I DIDNT get that then.
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I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #68 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 12:11 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

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Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
Well, she lied again about things WE agreed to do to rebuild our relationship. The next day, I notice a hickey on her neck and she finally admitted she's been cheating.

I've already getting my legal ducks in order. I've already packed all her crap (carefully with love) and about to load up and take her to her "new home" in an hour or so.

She's a drunk and can't think about whats she's screwing up, I need take care of whats left of the family - FIRST.

With my mind clearing *now* with reality and realization, I am going to be going be a free-agent, start dating again. But of course, I am in no condition to date or have sex with anyone at this moment.
I'll spend the next few months healing myself and going to the gym. I've got 40lbs to lose anyway and makes it easier for me to pick up chicks. I'll just date for fun, not looking for a girlfriend.

I've got a life-lesson that sucked, but I am seeing the positives.
You're not letting her take your son when she leaves, right?

Do you hear the people sing / Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people / Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth / There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end / And the sun will rise...
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post #69 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 12:14 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

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Originally Posted by LosingHim View Post
I never said it was the right or the good thing to do. I never said I was a great person for doing that. I'm being HONEST.

I did what I did and I wanted to forget about it. I wasn't in love with OM, I didn't have any good feelings from what I did. I felt dirty and full of regret. I wanted to go back in time and change what I did. I wanted to act like it never happened.

Him not pushing me to tell more details, not talking about it, ignoring it and also acting like it never happened made it easier for me to "keep my secret".

He rug swept, I rug swept. I pretended like it never happened. I was never forced to accept responsibility for my actions, and I was too immature to do it on my own.

That is why I always encourage BS to threaten divorce immediately and at least appear willing to go through with it if they want the full truth.

I'm not saying what I did makes me RIGHT. If anything it makes me more WRONG. I get that now. I DIDNT get that then.
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You have your head screwed on straight. Don't worry about it. From now on just take the bull by the horns and deal with it...especially when your BH won't.
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post #70 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 07:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

@wmn1 : And YES, her stuff is out. Locks changed. I'm got work to do, to clean up the place. Re-arrange things are there are empty spaces on the wall, closet and furniture.

@soccermom2three : I / we were realizing that we NEEDED to work on our marriage. I was seeing this, and wanted to fix things. Stop everything. Work on us. Do things together more, we were starting to that - but the other guy factor wouldn't go away. she didn't tell him to go away.

You are right, *I WAS* being selfish too, in my own way... I recognized that weeks ago, even before things blew up! And I was trying to save what was crumbling before my eyes. In November, I was noticing what I was losing... I wish we both made difference choices and communicated our problems to each other properly before it got to this point. Before the blow-out, which I guess gave her the excuse to "leave me" - I really wanted *US* to fix things.

If I had not blown up, and we were able to get counseling and talk and go to AA / AL Anon (She needs AA) - I think we could have saved our marriage, our family. I've pleaded with her to think about our baby, for his future - to try and work things out. That we both needed to fix our priorities.

And yes, we BOTH saw that we needed to spend time with each other going on - I told her this, and sometimes she told me this. And **WE** were supposed to do this, I talked about this.

When we both ACTUALLY talked about our issues, everything was something that could be worked on. Nothing that couldn't be patched up to rebuild trust and love.
I finally recognized the things I've been doing wrong, forgetting the person she was who I fell in love with. I still love her just as much today as I did years ago - but we (or I) took each other for granted.

I need to eject her from my life as much as I can.


PS: The apt. she's at with her co-worker/OtherPerson - was setup by the owner of store she works for (small business) - this, her boss knows those two are an item - since he had an available empty 1bed room that he handed over to them the day after this blew up. Odd, eh?

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post #71 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 07:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

Quote:
Originally Posted by eric1 View Post
Tador, she is now in a new relationship and you are the outsider. Things may change, but two things are certain -

1. Nothing that comes out of her mouth will be the truth

2. You just protect yourself financially IMMEDIATELY. Her boyfriend is whispering in her ear likely as you read this, and you can sure as hell be assured that in addition to getting laid he'd love his alimony- You are literally the only person who can protect your child, let your paternal instincts make that lawyer appointment
Thank you. But I'm low on funds for a lawyer (working on what I can) and she herself doesn't want to go to court. She wants to mediate over custody visits.

She is in NO condition to take care of a child. No car, her lover is also an alcoholic who has a beat-up non-running car and no valid driver licence. I have two cars in my name.

And you're right... she is a liar. I am still in turmoil between wanting to work things out (which *I* know is a bad idea) and going in for legal kill and protect our child from her drinking.

I'm trying to keep the peace as well as offering to take her to AA.
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post #72 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 07:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

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Originally Posted by Be smart View Post
Finally you decided to do something. Remember this is only the begining. You have a lot of to learn.

You are in your 40s and I am younger then you,but my advice for you is to grow up. Do it for yourself and most important for your SON.

Maybe you should blame yourself and why you allow this to happen.
I do blame myself for allowing things to happen the way they did. I wish we didn't do any of this.

But yeah, she seems to have money issues before this happened. $800+ a month, unaccounted for - which is something I was going to bring up - but then things blew up.

I'm guessing she's stopping with weed and such, but I doubt she'll be booze free. How does two people who drink almost a 2L worth of booze a day - suddenly just "stop"? They both drink at work too.

I didn't know how bad it was until now. Things that people should have told me weeks or months ago.

I need to also stop beating myself up. I have tried to make amends for my mistakes and learn from them. I have to protect my son.
If she really cared about the 3 of us, then she never would have chosen this path.
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post #73 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 08:06 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

Stop beating up yourself. Your responsibility for this situation is limited.

and I am mentioning drugs again.
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post #74 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 08:59 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
PS: The apt. she's at with her co-worker/OtherPerson - was setup by the owner of store she works for (small business) - this, her boss knows those two are an item - since he had an available empty 1bed room that he handed over to them the day after this blew up. Odd, eh?
Sounds like an EXCELLENT opportunity to go to that company's facebook page and make a comment.
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post #75 of 644 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 09:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

That could be an issue.... but in reality, they don't really monitor their FB and their website hasn't been updated in 5+ years...
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