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post #91 of 649 (permalink) Old 01-12-2016, 05:11 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

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Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
Unfortunately, I still love her. Its a bit how I am built. She was groomed and had a fun drinking bang buddy.

But at the same time, that TRUST has been broken. So to me, it's stupid to even consider reconciliation. She'd have to jump over flaming barrels. She was groomed into a romance, its a fantasy.

But while she parties, I've been making a hammer that's going to drop soon.
No you dont love her my friend. You love person she used to be. Now she is alcoholic,usig drugs,never visits your son,forgets about you,sharing herself with other man...

This is not what a good mother or wife should do and you are better without her.

Focus your mind on your son and be a good father.

Speed up talk with lawyer

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post #92 of 649 (permalink) Old 01-12-2016, 09:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

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She is enjoying her rising dominance.~~~~
Been in the scene a while, and you don't know how to train a dom yet ?
I think you nailed it on the head, Spotthedeaddog. I was blinded what was going on and she started lying. With things I have learned, she has been groomed by two people with two different agendas. I had pretty much figured it out and was pretty much confirmed. Yes, her hormones have changed - so has mine, but it has been balancing out. - but the affair became a wedge.
Yes, *he* is sub - he says YES to everything she says and wants. So I see how that made her feel they were SPECIAL. To those on the outside, he's a loser and idiotic looking. She is blind to what is with her. The other aspect is a DOM which has moved in with them. He is a friend of hers, and I thought he was always somewhat off. I see what he has done. He's look like an jerk from stealing my wife and ruin his reputation to friends, co-workers and family. *BUT* is he becomes her BF after she breaks up with the youngster - then he's in the clear.

The ole "groom" tactic with a 3rd person, She made the idiotic mistake of talking to GUYS for advice on her issues with me. Rule! YOUR SO needs to TALK TO YOU about problems, not members of the opposite sex who may exploit it. Wish I knew this crap before. Anyway. Here is how I look at it. Eventually, the young sub boy will eventually be gone because he's a drunk idiot with nothing to add. She will likely lose her job. The Dom gets to keep the girl. Forget her, I never lied to her, no BS. She wants to be that stupid - fine. And yeah, she can't compartmentalize - I was in the process of working with her to CHANGE what we do to break thing up a bit and to work on ourselves. I do separate sex from love without a problem.

I don't know if I really want her back. Trust and honesty are important things to me. She broke a lot of things that makes me think of her as worthless and inability to love. We (I actually) keep our vanilla family life separate from the kinky stuff.

I warned her, she doesn't know what she 's about to lose.

Last edited by TaDor; 01-12-2016 at 09:29 PM.
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post #93 of 649 (permalink) Old 01-12-2016, 09:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

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Originally Posted by Be smart View Post
No you dont love her my friend. You love person she used to be. Now she is alcoholic,usig drugs,never visits your son,forgets about you,sharing herself with other man...

This is not what a good mother or wife should do and you are better without her.
Focus your mind on your son and be a good father.
Speed up talk with lawyer
You to, are correct! I am IN LOVE with the woman I married, not the monster I see know with a mask of her. (I liked it when she made out with other girls, always fun for all)

I am a dad first before anything else. She wan't to be a drunken **** first, with MOM down there around 10th place. She saw him yesterday, for since Jan 1st, that is like 10~12 hours of total time. Meanwhile, I bathe him, feed him, hug him, he hugs me every day.

IMHO, I got the better end of the deal.
Already got papers filed. Need one more document and she's going to feel my pain around Friday when she returns to her not-so-stable job.

A few days ago, the OG was walking out her apartment to his car. I stopped and had a friendly chat. Something like "You're not the first guy she's ever cheated on with me. What makes you think YOU ARE the one? You'd be #5 or 6". The look on his face.

I am still healing. Can't wait to get out in the singles/ dating / getting laid game. But I have 1-2 women to help me out into that, knowing that I may breakdown and cry while dancing and sex. Better people I know, who care about my feelings than a OneNightStand or someone I actually like.
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post #94 of 649 (permalink) Old 01-12-2016, 09:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

Also, Spot the deaddog: Yep, I think you nailed it Spotthedeaddog! Actually we got married 3 months after we meet. Everything was great until the past few months. Doing research and such - she was groomed and infatuated. Its sad to see her this way in a sense, that she is being played and doesn't see it. Everyone else outside their bubble knows it's gonna pop. And when it does, she'll has no car, no home, no place to put her crap, almost nobody that wants.
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post #95 of 649 (permalink) Old 01-13-2016, 12:05 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

You need to stop seeing her as a victim.. She is not groomed. She is 30. She knows.
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post #96 of 649 (permalink) Old 01-13-2016, 09:02 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Swinging lifestyles are a mixed bag.... from what I have observed, they either work out great for some

couples or explode profusely. Your best chance to get a speedy D is when she is in the fog.

Her substance abuse issues will favor you in custody arrangements.

If you are still riding the fence about leaving her.... do it for the child. No one wants their child with

a strung out drunken mother. How'd you like her being gone and this emo tweaker watching your kid?

I get the fact you still love her.... can't just stop that on a dime.

But can you trust her? You can't love in a healthy way.... without trust.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #97 of 649 (permalink) Old 01-13-2016, 03:22 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

About dating and how you cant wait to be back in the game,You know you have to be carefull my friend,and I belive it is to early for you to find another woman.

This new woman is going to be in your sons life,so think about it.

Also some therapy would help you a lot. You have really bad boundaries and your choice of woman. You are around 40 so I hope you learned something from this.

No more swinging and sharing. This lifestyle is going to hurt your son and you,belive me.
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post #98 of 649 (permalink) Old 01-13-2016, 10:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

UPDATE: Hammer dropped! First time I've felt good in weeks. I even laughed a little.
First of all, I have been grieving. My Al Anon meetings have shown how alcohol has caused so many problems. I'd have been willing to STOP swinging if it would save us.

Keep in mind, SHE moved out into a new place with emo-kid. I always had the kid, with all this things in my much bigger home. she didn't have a way to care for a child and work.
She spent 3+ weeks getting drunk, having fun, going to parties, celebrating a new year, etc. So **NO** having my baby at THEIR home was not an option.
Meanwhile, I ended up in the hospital once - I've been having panic attacks, I've been an emotional wreck - while taking care of a traumatized baby.

But I was also something else she wasn't. I was getting my legal ducks in order while telling her "Lets go for join custody. Lets mediate next week or so". My tears were real and words were real... but she was dead set on boy-toy. Yet, I continued to document things, talk to people, pull in evidence - both physical, electronic, paper, video and photos.

She made a mistake throwing out the threat of a lawyer, a relative of her emo-boy. That was no lie, the guy was real. But the guy wouldn't lift a finger to help emo-boy - especially a homewrecker!

Yeah, I still love her. Always will. Will I ever reconcile? I hope not. But who knows? She's have to prove her self and that will take a lot. I doubt she'll try much less succeed from what I've seen of her actions.
I warned her that her fantasy will not last. She'll lose her baby, then her boy toy, then her job and her home, which means her clothes and her cats... where she goes? At this point, I barely care. She may end up on the street (ewww). I'm also looking at reporting the emo-boy to NARC, haven't decided. Moral thing to do is, "YES". But his mother has been helping me in some ways, so I'll see and is the only reason I have not. Stupidly, my wife left some evidence when she moved out I can give to the police. TABC/whatever can take his phone and track all his contacts.

You're right about trust, Chuck71... I trusted her fully, which is the ONLY reason why I believed her bulls~ for so long. Trust is very important to me. I doubt I can trust her again.


@Be smart - You are right. Trust me, my penis doesn't really work anymore. I've only got a two erections in the morning for a bit this week alone. I have NO interests in a relationship. But I like getting laid. I have a FWB girl to help me get warmed up to touching and sex again. Shes a real friend and knows I'll still have some issues. Better a friend, than a stranger or someone I may actually like.

Swinging and Sharing? Who knows. My wife liked sex with girls... so if I get another bi-girl, I think it'll keep it a rare treat. If she doesn't want to swing, then so be it. I care about the person I'm with - not the sex life style. But keep in mind, the ratio of mono-people cheating on their SOs is still pretty much the same.

I've lose weight and now about 20lbs over-weight. I'll be ready to start being social in 3~6 weeks with no expectations. Other than my FWB girl.

OKAY back to MY HAMMER.
1 - I filled my paperwork today for divorce and child-custody.
2 - Because she has no car and does get rides to work, I recommend that she got served at work.
3 - I happen to be close by when the process server (Constable) got lost and I told him where to go. So I watched from the parking lot (unseen) as he went in to retail shop. The Emo-boy approached, and soon my soon-to-be-EX was talking with the server for 5+ minutes.

4 - I talked to the server away from the building for a few minutes (LUCKY!). The emo-boy tried to lie and say "she's not here", but I told the server what she looked like when he was lost. So he pointed and waited "that her".
He read my 12 page affidavit before he got to the area to served her. OUCH! He told me "Get a better woman". I showed him a pic of our baby "great looking kid!". He said, she didn't look so good as he went over some of the stuff.

5 - Her side of the family is going to testify against her for leaving me and the baby. She doesn't have money for a lawyer. And the imaginary one was... well, useless.
I'll offer her a settlement. She pays me childsupport and I have full custody but allow her supervise visits.

I gave her chances. She wanted to be mean about it. But hurt my kid, you're gonna get hurt right back.

Last edited by TaDor; 01-13-2016 at 10:19 PM.
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post #99 of 649 (permalink) Old 01-13-2016, 11:14 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

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UPDATE:... I'd have been willing to STOP swinging if it would save us.
...
Swinging and Sharing? Who knows. .... I care about the person I'm with - not the sex life style. ...
...
I haven't felt comfortable posting so far. I know very little of the swinging lifestyle and can't even understand that little bit. But what I clipped out above gets a big YES YES YES from me. The relationship is the main thing. That means two people first. If those two want to do something then fine, even if I don't agree with it and wouldn't do it. But it is the relationship first.

And in your case, with a child, now they have to be considered too. Very glad to see the child is a high priority for you too.

"Life wasn't meant to be easy;
but take heart, parts of it can be delightful."
Malcolm Fraser
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post #100 of 649 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 01:01 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Ta...... It's not my place to judge you and your W / SO on what you do behind closed doors.

Before XW and I were M, this topic came up. She stated she could not handle other people in our

bed. I respected her decision and conveyed I wasn't wild about it either. Subject never brought up

again. Would it have been fun... he11 yes but I think jealousy would have poisoned us if we did.

The two of you tried it, didn't work. Now you are doing what you have to do, to protect yourself and

the child. It is her responsibility to live with the choices she makes.

IF..... she gets visitation... request supervised at first. And every visit she PPs in a cup to test for

drugs..... and take a BAT. If she fails either.... well you know where I'm going


A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #101 of 649 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 02:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

Oh, by the way. NO! I will not bring strange women, one-night-stands, FWB type women into my home and see my son. I'll have my fun in their place or a motel or hotel or car or park or streetlamp.

It would be a woman I have seen for a while and thinking would be good for long term. I know better than that.
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post #102 of 649 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 02:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

Her alcoholism was actually a main problem - driving a wedge between us. We didn't communicate well about playing with others. She was a bit dumb in that regards. Sometimes we try something kinky, and I would ask if she liked it or not, etc. Well, her mistake was doing things she DIDN'T like in order to please me. I find this out, after the break up.

This upset me and kind of pissed me off. I told her "NO! You never had to prove your love by doing something you didn't like. Saying NO is always an option". Open Relationship or NOT, when she gets too drunk, she may bang anyone... so that makes her a cheater in any life-style.


PS: I love your C-quote.

PS2: I still love her. She's not perfect - and she screw up royally. But I don't think she'll love me again anyway. Being served for full custody - oh well, that was the choice she made. Not many people are impressed with her actions. Leaving a baby and father for a boy-toy?! That's low.
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post #103 of 649 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 03:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

Hey, here's a hint to all the ladies out there who want advice about their relationships...

DON'T GET advice from a single men!! Talk to your MARRIED RELATIVES!
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post #104 of 649 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 03:02 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

TaDor, you are currently in the high(positive emotions) mode. Be prepared for the crash when you feel like everything is pointless.

They call this emotional roller coaster for a reason. Don't be hesitant to approach friends or family for support. Be prepared. Things like this take a huge emotional toll and I can tell you are trying to bluff yourself out of this pain. But have a backup plan when things get worse for you emotionally.

Start working out if you haven't already.
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post #105 of 649 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 07:31 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Agreed. And maybe consider seeing what life is like WITHOUT having sex every day or even every week. There are men on here who have gone YEARS with a bit of sex and they're still alive.

If you can start to see that your life is still 'livable' without equating it with erections and sex and FWBs, you just might learn a thing or two about yourself.
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