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post #106 of 655 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 09:53 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

You fell into the biggest pit fall of the swinging life style.

It almost always starts the same. Both parties in the swinging couple agree that there will be no "swinging" sex that the other SO doesn't agree to, or know about in advance.

The major flaw in this agreement and type thinking is that you're both having sex with other people. Because sex is just sex right?... Then eventually one of you starts to get attracted to a certain swinging partner. They become friends. They start to communicate with each other in secret, with the notion of "Hey, we're only talking. It's not like we're having sex behind anyone's back.".

The problem is they've already had sex with each other in front of their partner(s). It's only a hop, skip and a jump, before they start having sex on their own, in secret. In this day and age with all the new forms of communication, swinging has a MUCH higher risk of becoming cheating.

If there were texts and emails back in the 60's when people were having "car key parties", I bet that the incidents of cheating after a swing event would have been at least tripled...

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post #107 of 655 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 03:51 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

Great update.

There is only one thing that makes me sad,and that is your wife. I know some people dont belong together,but you should talk and go separate ways,but your wife decided to left you and YOUR SON.

She is really not good into the head if she puts partys,alcohol,drugs,sex in thefirst place.
No matter what your relationship is your kid/s should be always on your mind.

Now back to you. This is my advice. You are older by your wife around 10 years or so.
Next time you want to have a good relationship find yourself a good woman who belives in family.

Belive me all of us love sex. We did experiment kinky,naughty things. You dont have to be swinger or anything like that to do it.


Once you get old you want woman who is going to be there for you. Watch your grandkids someday.

You know your penis is not going to work all the time. It is great for you now,all this excitement,but it is MUCH better when you share all of this with the person you love and you got the same from her/him. When both of you share this bond,that can be only between people who love each other.

Stay strong and keep improving yourself. Your son is going to need you.
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post #108 of 655 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 04:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

Thanks a lot Sparrow555. I am actually going to the gym regularly. Helps me focus, lose weight, clear my mind (even thou I am still thinking of this mess).
Nothing is over yet. Who knows whats going to happen. But the fact remains. She's an Alcoholic. She left her son and me to live with an alcoholic. She rarely attempts to see her kid (I have texted her "wanna visit?") She stole house-hold money. She wasn't open to what we can do to repair our marriage. Just "I'm outta here"... so it was pretty much a complete shock. As long as he side of the family blocks me and other witnesses, I hope to come out ahead.
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post #109 of 655 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 04:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Agreed. And maybe consider seeing what life is like WITHOUT having sex every day or even every week. There are men on here who have gone YEARS with a bit of sex and they're still alive.

If you can start to see that your life is still 'livable' without equating it with erections and sex and FWBs, you just might learn a thing or two about yourself.
I haven't had sex since mid-December. (affair = shes having sex with him). I've been traumatized, severely. I'm interested in porn either.

I need to heal from the betrayal. Take care of my lovely baby - who is worth more than ANY woman. My eyes are only just starting to look at the other fish. But I know myself. I'm an emotional basket case and in no condition to meet new women. I have more important things to do.

But today, I actually got a good erection (no hands) - so things are starting to work. Like I said, I'll take steps to being social again. But in the mean time, I'll work on myself.
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post #110 of 655 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 04:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

@Be smart : I thought my wife was a FAMILY type of woman. She always wanted a child. The last of 3 siblings to have a kid. She did quite well in most areas. We both have the same belief systems, same paranting styles, etc.

And yes, she was groomed by a fantasy. 85% affairs is from the work place. Women talking to single guys about their issues - are vulnerable to problems. The amount of time SHE spent talking to him about OUR problems - she SHOULD have been talking to ME. Thats the pulls ****. The guys who do this crap, will help make the SO look like the villain. And as I have learned in my AL Anon meeting today, "She wanted a villian and you being the closest person was it. He too, being a drunk, same thing. So with that kind of thinking - they *think* they are a perfect couple".

A relationship built on lies and betrayal have a low success rate. Question is... do I put him in prison for the drugs?

Read this article about leaving because of an affair:
Have An Affair: Before You Leave Your Spouse, Consider This | Lesli Doares | YourTango
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post #111 of 655 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 04:43 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

Have you changed the locks?

If this guy has done something punishable by prison, you should certainly out him. That he will be around your children makes this a high priority.
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post #112 of 655 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 05:37 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

You asked question "do I put him in prison for the drugs?" Really a hard one my friend.

You already have a lot of problems and if you do this or try this you can create even more.

Remember- If you go for Posom your ex wife might go with him too.

It is your decision but if I was in your shoes I would only report him if I saw trouble for my son.
What my ex-wife do and with whom is not my problem anymore. I would be happy to get rid of her.

About this article - If I understand it corectly ,it is about cheating spouses and they decision to leave their partner,and options for yes or no.

Well I know I would never cheat,because I know pain from it. To leave or not- I wold give her an easy answer - I leave because I dont want to have anything with cheaters.
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post #113 of 655 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 05:39 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

Boy I bet she likes that victim chair..... where she spews out lie after lie

So many times, she honestly begins to believe her lies.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #114 of 655 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 11:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

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Originally Posted by Be smart View Post
You asked question "do I put him in prison for the drugs?" Really a hard one my friend.

You already have a lot of problems and if you do this or try this you can create even more.

Remember- If you go for Posom your ex wife might go with him too.

It is your decision but if I was in your shoes I would only report him if I saw trouble for my son.
What my ex-wife do and with whom is not my problem anymore. I would be happy to get rid of her.

About this article - If I understand it corectly ,it is about cheating spouses and they decision to leave their partner,and options for yes or no.

Well I know I would never cheat,because I know pain from it. To leave or not- I wold give her an easy answer - I leave because I dont want to have anything with cheaters.
1 - Yeah, he helped ruin my life... and to report him would likely involve 2 other people - collateral damage. But the ONLY think stopping me from doing this is;

2 - His mother. Why? Because she contacted me with important information which was helpful and that she doesn't support the relationship. He would get 10 years easy, as will the others.

3 - As you say, it makes things even more complicated - it'll make the ex-wife hate me more - for sending this 21yr old loser to prison, rather than having her learn she screwed up.

4 - the Article, is for the cheater (usually its WOMEN who leave / men who stay). To consider keeping the affair (fantasy) and moving in with their dream boat then to discover - they are now with a bigger loser. My wife is being stupid. When family and friends see this guy on FB, etc? They are like "ewww what? him?"

She's not seeing the guy for what he really is... oh well.
Unless she can pull money out of her butt, she has no money for a lawyer. With what I presented to the judge in my affidavit. At the avg price of $300 per hour, she would need about $2~5000 retainer fee and budget out about $20,000. I have only presented half of my evidence and stories.

She makes $9.50 an hour before taxes. About $1100 after taxes. After rent for her "new" place + food + booze money + utilities = $-200 in the hole. And that is with the two of them. combining their money. If Judge orders child support during trial, then she'll be short another $225~250 a month.

She has nothing left to pay for any lawyer. She has no friends or family to borrow the money from. I doubt a lawyer would want her case. I have her hospital records, too.

I don't count anything out. But I'd be surprised to hear a response from "her" lawyer.
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post #115 of 655 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 11:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

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Boy I bet she likes that victim chair..... where she spews out lie after lie

So many times, she honestly begins to believe her lies.
I go to Al Anon meetings. What she is doing, *IS* typical of an alcoholic. So yeah, the words and actions she has done to me is text-book. "I'm controlling her", etc - whatever.

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post #116 of 655 (permalink) Old 01-15-2016, 12:44 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

How would turning him in get back to you?

A good citizen would want him off the street. An example would be the explosion of heroin deaths in our area. Some time ten or more reported at a time. New heroin users are dropping like flies.

I would bet your wife may be on heroin the way her boyfriend isa described. Turning him in may save her life as well as his.
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post #117 of 655 (permalink) Old 01-15-2016, 12:45 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

Pain pills have gotten harder to get. Heroin is cheap and easy to get now.
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post #118 of 655 (permalink) Old 01-15-2016, 01:36 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

The dude is having sex with your wife who has left you for him and you are unsure you should turn him in for bad drug use? Oh, wait, didn't you encourage your wife to have sex with other men? Or am I thinking of a different story? Doesn't having sex with other people open you up to lots of different diseases? Besides the fact that you have no clue if the condom burst or if the oM is even using one, you can catch HPV (most common cause of throat cancer), Herpes I and II, and many other diseases even if he's wearing a condom and it doesn't break. It's so INCREDIBLY stupid to have sex with a promiscuous person. I have no clue why you ever contributed to this situation occurring. If you didn't want to be monogamous, you shouldn't have gotten married. JMO......

Yes, he may have access to your child one day. I would turn him in, with no regret.
But, you may have very different thought processes than me.
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post #119 of 655 (permalink) Old 01-15-2016, 01:58 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

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Originally Posted by GROUNDPOUNDER View Post
You fell into the biggest pit fall of the swinging life style.

It almost always starts the same. Both parties in the swinging couple agree that there will be no "swinging" sex that the other SO doesn't agree to, or know about in advance.

The major flaw in this agreement and type thinking is that you're both having sex with other people. Because sex is just sex right?... Then eventually one of you starts to get attracted to a certain swinging partner. They become friends. They start to communicate with each other in secret, with the notion of "Hey, we're only talking. It's not like we're having sex behind anyone's back.".

The problem is they've already had sex with each other in front of their partner(s). It's only a hop, skip and a jump, before they start having sex on their own, in secret. In this day and age with all the new forms of communication, swinging has a MUCH higher risk of becoming cheating.

If there were texts and emails back in the 60's when people were having "car key parties", I bet that the incidents of cheating after a swing event would have been at least tripled...
Haven't heard that term in a good 25 years

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #120 of 655 (permalink) Old 01-16-2016, 01:43 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

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1 - Yeah, he helped ruin my life... and to report him would likely involve 2 other people - collateral damage. But the ONLY think stopping me from doing this is;

2 - His mother. Why? Because she contacted me with important information which was helpful and that she doesn't support the relationship. He would get 10 years easy, as will the others.

3 - As you say, it makes things even more complicated - it'll make the ex-wife hate me more - for sending this 21yr old loser to prison, rather than having her learn she screwed up.

4 - the Article, is for the cheater (usually its WOMEN who leave / men who stay). To consider keeping the affair (fantasy) and moving in with their dream boat then to discover - they are now with a bigger loser. My wife is being stupid. When family and friends see this guy on FB, etc? They are like "ewww what? him?"

She's not seeing the guy for what he really is... oh well.
Unless she can pull money out of her butt, she has no money for a lawyer. With what I presented to the judge in my affidavit. At the avg price of $300 per hour, she would need about $2~5000 retainer fee and budget out about $20,000. I have only presented half of my evidence and stories.

She makes $9.50 an hour before taxes. About $1100 after taxes. After rent for her "new" place + food + booze money + utilities = $-200 in the hole. And that is with the two of them. combining their money. If Judge orders child support during trial, then she'll be short another $225~250 a month.

She has nothing left to pay for any lawyer. She has no friends or family to borrow the money from. I doubt a lawyer would want her case. I have her hospital records, too.

I don't count anything out. But I'd be surprised to hear a response from "her" lawyer.
You have a lot of thinking my friend and you should put your son in the first place.

Consider this :

If you report OM then he will go to prison. Nice you got your revenge against him.
You were ok with swinging and sleeping with others so you have to know some of the problems this will cause.
Also you blame only OM. What about your wife and yourself?

Now think about this one:

-Sending OM to prison will make you a happy man,your friends will be happy too.

Here is the catch - Your wife could go to prison too. Now this is hard. Sending your wife to prison is not a good idea I belive. You will left your son without his mother. Is this what you want ? No matter how much she hurts you or hates you,you should think about your son.

Since moving out your wife is not spending her time with him,she have other priorities right now but maybe someday she will try harder and see her own child.

Third thing is : put your focus on your son and yourself. Try and become stronger after this,be better father and think about stopping with this swinging lifestyle

She will have some money problems you said. Well let her worry about it. If she stops buying drugs she could spend her money on nice apartment or child support.

She is out of your life so it is time for you to move on my friend. You have a growing son to think about.
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