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post #121 of 650 (permalink) Old 01-16-2016, 02:01 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

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Originally Posted by GROUNDPOUNDER View Post
You fell into the biggest pit fall of the swinging life style.

It almost always starts the same. Both parties in the swinging couple agree that there will be no "swinging" sex that the other SO doesn't agree to, or know about in advance.

The major flaw in this agreement and type thinking is that you're both having sex with other people. Because sex is just sex right?... Then eventually one of you starts to get attracted to a certain swinging partner. They become friends. They start to communicate with each other in secret, with the notion of "Hey, we're only talking. It's not like we're having sex behind anyone's back.".

The problem is they've already had sex with each other in front of their partner(s). It's only a hop, skip and a jump, before they start having sex on their own, in secret. In this day and age with all the new forms of communication, swinging has a MUCH higher risk of becoming cheating.

If there were texts and emails back in the 60's when people were having "car key parties", I bet that the incidents of cheating after a swing event would have been at least tripled...
A colleague at work said she realised her first marriage was over when her husband took her when she was 8 months pregnant to a party in a town 8 miles away.

He "forgot" to tell her it was car keys party in a bowl party.

So she rejected the offer of sex with husband of the woman her husband was with.

She walked home.
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post #122 of 650 (permalink) Old 01-16-2016, 02:10 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

If emo dude and W have no previous transgressions.... they may only receive probation. Depends a lot on

what they have possession of, how much and if they are distributing it.

A best case for the W is to get caught, either face prison time or go to rehab. Maybe.... maybe... that would

wake her up.

IF.... your W received treatment... kicked the habit she has drug herself into.... I know you would be open to

letting her see the child but... would you consider working things out with her?

Outside of what you have posted about.... did she do anything of this severity in the past?

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #123 of 650 (permalink) Old 01-16-2016, 02:28 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

Here is how it goes. Either both of you will be monogamous and stop that nonsense about open marriage or she will continue cheating on you. I am wondering. Why are you so disturbed? As you said you did the same thing before. And you decided to have an open marriage. So, I guess you know what open marriage is. I dont have to explain it to you. In an open marriage the couple can have affairs without making it a big deal to each other. So, you accepted that situation. I guess you had mistresses too in the past, as you were married. You have an open marriage. So, why you are so upset about her cheating? If you had not chosen the open marriage model for your marriage, and you had the typical monogamous marriage I would understand the reason you would be upset.
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post #124 of 650 (permalink) Old 01-16-2016, 04:27 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

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Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
A colleague at work said she realised her first marriage was over when her husband took her when she was 8 months pregnant to a party in a town 8 miles away.

He "forgot" to tell her it was car keys party in a bowl party.

So she rejected the offer of sex with husband of the woman her husband was with.

She walked home.
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Now "that's" a dedicated "swinger".

I wonder how that exchange went when he was looking to trade off wives...


Moron #1: Well, my wife's a little kinky. She may want to be tide up and spanked a little.

Moron #2: I've dabbled in the BDSM seen. Nothin' edgey, but I can go along with a litttle smack bottom. We'll, my wife's 8 months pregnant, so I'm not sure how you feel about that...

Moron #1: Pregnant... No problem. I've bounced a beach ball, or two in my day, let's trade.

Moron #2: O.K., sounds good, but take it a little easy huh. Don't go pokin' my kid in the head and givin' 'em brain damage.


Then both morons laugh and high 5 each other.
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post #125 of 650 (permalink) Old 01-16-2016, 06:45 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

They either belong in jail or they don't.

Regarding her money. Why won't you be paying her legal bills? Have you asked your lawyer that?
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post #126 of 650 (permalink) Old 01-17-2016, 10:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

So many questions!?
1 - @Chaparral : I don't have much money. So that's isn't happening, since I did file first - I've already asked her to pay my legal bills? Which she can't anyway. Not sending them to jail. Its more headache.
2 - @Myself : I never had a mistress. I never did anything behind anyone back. I don't lie about such things, never have.
3 - @Chuck71 : Too many variables. But he has a history of pretty much ALL drugs... but as of know, he's drinking himself to death. He's radically worse in 5 months. From one of my contacts, they (W and OM and friends are STILL partying, getting drunk almost every night. Even so far to being kicked out of bar last Friday - something that DOESN'T happen to me) - this, after she was served a few days ago.

4 - @Chuck71 : With the research and talking to people who know about Alcoholics. They are in "love" with each other because they won't stop the other from drinking - the drinking has also wiped out the effects of her bi-polar medications and worse, make her more depressed. They are running out of money as they spiral into their own pit of hell.

I'm trying to get over the depression and anger and disgusts of everything. At least the baby is safe with me. There are no drugs or alcohol in my home. He's getting adjusted and feeling better.
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post #127 of 650 (permalink) Old 01-17-2016, 11:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

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You have a lot of thinking my friend and you should put your son in the first place.

Consider this :

If you report OM then he will go to prison. Nice you got your revenge against him.
You were ok with swinging and sleeping with others so you have to know some of the problems this will cause.
Also you blame only OM. What about your wife and yourself?
Revenge would be sweet, but since his family is providing me with info and some support - I am NOT going to do it. Also, the headache of another trial and the drama involved with it wouldn't be worth it. I'm trying to move on with my life.
No, I blame all three of us for various mistakes. But I trusted her, I thought of him as a friend. I more certainly screwed up, but I didn't cause it. Alcohol is the major key that we keep coming back to. With her bi-polar meds, she's also in danger of death - which has me very concerned.

Quote:
Now think about this one:

-Sending OM to prison will make you a happy man,your friends will be happy too.

Here is the catch - Your wife could go to prison too. Now this is hard. Sending your wife to prison is not a good idea I belive. You will left your son without his mother. Is this what you want ? No matter how much she hurts you or hates you,you should think about your son.
Yes and yes. Wife to prison... not happy with that idea. Not worth it and not bothering. They have their own hell to go to which they created for themselves. They have lost family and REAL friends. They are not accepted. And yea, people now know we were an open relationship. But our families are still far more upset about the affair and that she left her baby and me for a 21yr old.

Quote:
Since moving out your wife is not spending her time with him,she have other priorities right now but maybe someday she will try harder and see her own child.

Third thing is : put your focus on your son and yourself. Try and become stronger after this,be better father and think about stopping with this swinging lifestyle
Haven't heard a word from her since she got served. Only the OM sent me cursing text messages "you pus~!" type of junk - he is not a person with many words. Thing is, she CAN visit our son any time, at my home. I've already told her she could. So now she is posting on FB how she misses him. (???) WTF! Hence, I told her before she got served "Everyday and night you see Loser's face and not your son, it was your choice!".

Quote:
She will have some money problems you said. Well let her worry about it. If she stops buying drugs she could spend her money on nice apartment or child support.

She is out of your life so it is time for you to move on my friend. You have a growing son to think about.
She may end up homeless. When she moved out, it took 3 SUV loads to move her crap out... so their little apartment is nothing but boxes and bags in a pile. Not my problem. Shes more into drinking than drugs. The addition of medication is to enhance the drunkenness - which can and will cause damage to some of her organs.

She's going to have to hit HER bottom before she gets back up. My son does come first, thanks! He warms my heart and makes like worth living. He laughs and cries, he gives me hugs. He's learning new words almost every day now - he's at that age! One of the best times to have a child is to watch the explosion of mental growth. It saddens me that his mother is not here to see it.

Her(their) life is work for $9hr, drink at work, drink after work, drink at home or bar, (sex of course ewww) watch a bit of stupid TV shows, then pass out. Wake up for work, maybe not late. Hung-over. Buy stackers or energy drinks or speed and go to work. (REPEAT)

Wow... what a WINNING way to live?! Meanwhile, she doesn't have a lawyer and I'm working, I'm getting ready for court and my evidence will be devastating. The support from her side of the family for me to have custody is a big help. I hope she'll just settle with my demands as she shouldn't be able to win. I have about 7 witnesses, she got her self and her drunk lover.
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post #128 of 650 (permalink) Old 01-17-2016, 11:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

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If emo dude and W have no previous transgressions.... they may only receive probation.
IF.... your W received treatment... kicked the habit she has drug herself into.... I know you would be open to letting her see the child but... would you consider working things out with her?

Outside of what you have posted about.... did she do anything of this severity in the past?
They both have a history, but I'm not going there. I'm already stressed.

Answer to your question: If W got treatment and clean and her head screwed back on (She really *IS NOT* herself - even to long time friends who knew her before I meet her) - of course she can see out son. I'm NOT keeping her away for revenge, I'm not a jerk.

Yes, I want to work things out with her. I still love her with all of my heart. She is not aware of what she is doing and I missed her cries for help earlier on because of my ignorance.

No, she has never done something like this before.

It would take me years to recover enough to consider another serious relationship. If she gets better, proves it, and makes up for what she has done. Then yes, I do want her back.

Chances of that happening is UP TO HER, and I think the odds are against her. Which also breaks my heart.
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post #129 of 650 (permalink) Old 01-18-2016, 12:17 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

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Haven't heard that term in a good 25 years
https://youtu.be/y8MWkDexzRQ?t=82
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post #130 of 650 (permalink) Old 01-18-2016, 04:12 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

I am sorry to hear that my friend,but your wife choose this life and let her have it.
She is not 15 years old,she is grow up woman,mother and wife.
I only hope one day she wakes up and open her eyes,especially for her son.

Your wife is going to tell all bad things about you,and she already started it on Facebook account,so prepare yourself and notarize things,like her not visiting her son.

I just read your comment where you said you want her back. Well good luck with that.
Just ask yourself a question,do you want alcoholic and drug user in your sons life and do you want this woman to be your wife again ? She is not the woman you fell in love with and not a good mother eaither.

Maybe you are missing your swinger life with her and you can see only this side of options,but I hope one day you realize this was all a mistake and not a good life for both of you and your son.

Good luck.

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post #131 of 650 (permalink) Old 01-18-2016, 05:05 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

Please tell me that if she shows up on your door step crying and begging for you to take her back, that you would not cave in immediately. Too much has happened for you to fall into that trap.

Get the divorce. Maybe after treatment and time and IC, she can prove herself worthy of returning to your family, if that is what you want.

But don't hold your breath. From your posts, spending time in jail away from alcohol and drugs plus getting treatment, may not be the worst thing that could happen to her.
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post #132 of 650 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 12:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

Stay tuned... she's growing up.

Getting served, had her crying for over a week, it turns out.

Last edited by TaDor; 01-19-2016 at 01:42 AM.
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post #133 of 650 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 05:56 AM
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post #134 of 650 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 09:54 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

Sounds like the fog might be starting to lift from your wife along with the realisation of the consequences for her actions.

Altough i came on a bit strong for your lifetsyle choice of an open marriage i really am sorry you are here and hope you are working through the tough issues you have to deal with.

Dont be surprised if she eventually tells you she wants to give you guys another shot once she realises the enormity of the situation and how screwed she is.

You'd be silly to let her back in but thats your choice.

Wishing you the best
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post #135 of 650 (permalink) Old 01-20-2016, 02:04 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

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Stay tuned... she's growing up.

Getting served, had her crying for over a week, it turns out.

Crying for a week isn't growing up. It's reacting to consequences of her own actions like a child.

Remorse is measured only in action. Crying over getting served then going to a drink and a roll in the hay with her boyfriend is a disturbed person, not a remorseful one.

There may be remorse in there somewhere, but that's not remorse.


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