This blew up today. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 01:16 AM Thread Starter
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Exclamation This blew up today.

Hello. TaDor here, my first post of many. My name is a random pressing of the keys.

Cheating wife?

I’ll try to keep this short and to the point as much as possible as things are blowing up at this moment.
We’ve been together for 5 years. Have a 2 year old son together. I’m 40 and she is 30.

We’re also an open-relationship couple (likely were). I’ve been this way before we meet. I’ve dated wives with husbands knowing, been respectful. After I’ve had my fun with a FWB, it stays as friends – with benefits.
We are into BDSM and other kinky stuff that we do NOT do inside our home.

A few months ago, she hooked up with a 21yr old co-worker. I was cool with that, made a trial contract. There are things I cannot do with my wife, as she’s 5’-1” and I love her so. hence, I play with other women from time to time which she does support. Sex and love are two very different things, I understand this and respect it.

And example of respect, is I went on a date with a woman while her husband was out of town. He said “no sex”, so we drank, danced, I slept at her place, we woke up, enjoyed the morning. I respected him, as did his wife and from there – I was allowed to have sex/date her, which we did a few times before they moved out of state.

Back to *MY* situation. Over the two months into this “trial contract”, in which he is her “slave”. The relationship between my wife and myself started going down hill. Sex was going down, arguments were going up. I started noticing their body language, even in public. I looked on her phone and discussion of feelings were there. So that along with our fighting and her GOING out with this Guy, who I’ll call Wimpy. Because he drinks a lot and cries about how hard life is. Gee, you get to bang a cute little woman and get your kink on and your life sucks? My sex drive was suffering a well. One of the issues is that WE do have a 2yr old who sleeps in our room and he ****-blocks quite a bit, oh well.

I had a stipulation in the contract that IF our relationship is having problems, that they cannot play. It was a tense meeting, I made my point and they both reluctantly agreed. I stated that ONCE our marriage issue is worked out, we can re-visit them being able to play. Since they work at the same place and I generally do like(d) the guy – I said they can remain as platonic friends/co-workers. He goes on a drinking binge and ends up in rehab. I check her phone and notice texts about how he hurts. This is during the recent Thanksgiving holiday.

While he was gone for about two weeks, our sex started improving and so was our relationship. When he got out and returned to work, things quickly started going back to crap. She said they were JUST friends. She spent many late hours at work – with Wimpy to help him with some emotional issues, his drinking, his drama. Sure, fine… We were supposed to go out that night, do it for a few hours, then come home and we’ll have OUR time together. Fast forward, its 5am when I go to her job, wake their asses up (they were not naked, but have been drinking) and it’s a fight.

I told Wimpy to stay away from my wife or he’ll see me pissed. He’s messing with a family. They both deny anything going on.

Then Monday evening, I get a text from wife, saying “Can I go out tonight?” – thinking it was ME and HER, I said yeah. But its with Wimpy and I’m not invited. I said no. Thinking that was the end of that, she leaves at 10pm – out the door, while I have my hands full and telling her its BS and that I consider it cheating and its going to get ugly. She says they’re going out with him and his friends (Neither of them have a car). The fight continues in TEXT. I told him to bugger off. He says “you said we can be friends” – I told him, NO, not yet and this is NOT how to go about it… that he’s going to be on my poop-list really soon.
She doesn’t tell me where she is and I don’t have tracking on her phone. She comes home at 12:30pm… and starts her period. Wow, its been a week since we made love… and now that.

So it’s a fight, she did nothing wrong. They went bowling, drinking and such with friends.
It was a fight for her to unlock her phone, which is something NEW. Most of the text from them is innocent – but there is a few texts about them “****ing” and having one of his friends video-record it with his phone. Wimpy also stated that one of his friends had a dream that Wimpy and my wife were ****ing. Wife tells me that it was a “joke”, nothing more. I’m thinking GIRL-LOGIC… twisting her meaning to actually mean (to me) that the friend recording them *is* the joke.. I think there is BS going on.

From this past Wed, when we spent about two hours talking, I thought we had some headway to repairing our marriage. By all means, we have a lot more to work on. We generally had a good rest of the week, but Sat. night the wife goes out with another female family member to a male-strip club. No big deal, they have their fun… and we’ll make love.

I am the driver – taking them to the club and will be picking them up. But I noticed on her phone, she had sent Wimpy a photo taken sometime earlier in her nice dress for that night – which was taken before I got home. I was upset and told her. That *IF* its just friends – then it would be on facebook, not JUST to one person. And that it should have been sent to *ME*. This turned into a miserable drive. We text fought while I drove back home. I check our online phone records some time later that night, after I have brought the women home and see that she was constantly texting Wimpy. Those texts ended when I showed up at the club, then a few more when we were home. I’m livid. I talked to the family member who went with her, she told me she was pissed because my wife was constantly on her phone, not having fun doing what they usually do there.

Sunday morning, I tell Wimpy to bugger off in texting. Get out of my family’s life. He says I’m making assumptions. This argument goes through the day between the three of us. My threats gets to the point that when she gets off work, she’s taking the baby to her sisters. I told her “no”. I call the police before she gets home, as it turns out – so did she. Her sister comes and picks her up. The police will not allow her to leave with the baby.

This Wimpy turd says I am making up stuff. She blames me for this SNAFU. But I repeat, that SHE could have proved her innocence by simply showing me the conversations from that night. And more so, she SHOULD have been able to choose our family over some 21 yr old loser. A friend of mine, who does various therapy work and is herself, experiencing a problem with her room-mate points out that her actions are the effects of alcoholism. I had showed this friend the text arguments we had… so my wife’s ability to listen is severely hampered.

I do love my wife. I DO want my family back together. I know I should totally dump her, but I love her, I love our family, I really don’t want anyone else.

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post #2 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 02:38 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Maybe now you get why most couples don't have open marriages. Most of the time it ends up a mess like what you are dealing with.

Sex causes the body to produce large quantities of dopamine and oxytocin (look it up if you don't know what it is). These (an other) hormones cause people to bond with each other. It sounds like this is what happened with your wife and Wimpy.

If I were you, I'd tell her that the open marriage is over. Either she stops all the nonsense and joins you in a monogamous marriage or you are filing for divorce.

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post #3 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 02:46 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

So your contract is really worthless?

Your lifestyle has helped create this mess.

You need to lawyer up and sort this situation out.
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Last edited by MattMatt; 12-21-2015 at 08:35 AM.
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post #4 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 02:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

I'm ready for that... the kink is fun and exciting, but afterwards - looking back, being with her was most satisfying.
I remain control of my feelings and have been working towards having us quit it anyway. For our family, our health and longevity.
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post #5 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 02:50 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Hopefully she too is ready to end the playing around. How she responds closing that door is up to her of course.

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post #6 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 02:52 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

And couple's therapy.
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post #7 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 03:13 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

I am in an open marriage and I think you should take this to an open marriage forum.

Maybe she is the rescuing type?

What comes to mind for me is like giving a kid a toy in a store to play with, then take it away and go to the cash register. The kid throws a fit because he has already held and had fun with the toy. It was his and all the sudden it gets taken away. She may be having the same reaction. Doesn't want to give up her toy? This reminds me of a book. I forget the name. How to tear love down. It was a good open marriage book.

It does take a strong foundation to have one. I think it is a beautiful gift. It takes a good book like More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory by Franklin Veaux and Eve... to help keep it strong.

If it gets extreme: Maybe get a post-nuptial agreement that protects you more if she decides to break the rules rather than accepting the gift. It is just like cheating. People don't like to be lied to, hence consequences for crossing the line. The primary relationship makes the decisions for all other relationships.
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post #8 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 03:41 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Contact their HR, tell them your wife and a coworker have a shady relationship, bring alcohol at work, and drink it, then speak about alienation of affection.

Contact a lawyer, get her served, and explains her you placed boundaries, she crossed them, now consequences happens, and except if she shows real remorse, you will pursue with the divorce.

Your 2yo will build its future relationship, based on what it witness, if you show it's ok to be walked on, it will learn it's ok to be walked on.
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post #9 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 04:10 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Sorry, but I've got little advice.

I don't believe that what you have is anything close to a marriage and I do not think that because of your lifestyle choices alone.

Nature and biology doesn't give a ____ about your contract. Once you encourage a chemical and emotional bond between your wife and another, then what's happened, happens.

Basically what your post says to me is that love and sex are not so disparate and compartmentalized as you purport. If emotional connection could be left out completely, maybe, but zero of the FWB relationships I've read about have ever been that "simple." Maybe a small handful I haven't read about have been. Someone always gets attached and then the marriage suffers.

There are infinite sources on cheating spouses here. Open marriages, not so much. I wish you luck.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #10 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 05:52 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TaDor View Post


Sex and love are two very different things, I understand this and respect it.
I think you're now discovering that's a crock of shyt.

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post #11 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 06:06 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Wow, you are a 40 year old man with a child...what are you doing following this corrupt lifestyle? Its worse than high school.
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post #12 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 06:17 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

I just don't get people like you.

I think you're missing some circuits in your head. Either that or you like lying to yourself.
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post #13 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 06:29 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

We've had an open relationship for 16 years. There have been no issues or problems that a simple conversation could not fix. The hard boundary for us both is that intentional breaking of any agreement, or exceeding boundaries when one of us (usually temporarily) sets one for the good of the relationship, is cheating and will not be tolerated. If the behavior does not stop, it can and will lead to filing for divorce.

Your situation is really no different than anyone else on TAM dealing with a cheating spouse. It only started a little differently because certain behaviors and activities are allowed. Many here allow having opposite sex friends - OSF - (many don't, too), and that works fine until someone ignores or defies a boundary. That can happen in any relationship, whether or not they allow OSF, are open, are highly traditional or very unconventional.

It comes down to loyalty and boundaries no matter the nature and shape of your baseline relationship. She has broken the boundaries and is not protecting and nurturing the core relationship. It's time to shock her back to reality - or, she'll choose to leave. It can happen in any relationship, and needs to be handled the same way. She either goes no contact, willingly opens all her communications, and focuses on your relationship - or you kick her out.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #14 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 09:26 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

She has formed an emotional attachment to the current OM. Women do that, and you were playing with fire allowing her to jump from one to the next until she met Wimpy.
Wimpy is not a "have sex then come home" relationship. He is a co-worker. She sees him and talks to him every work day. She probably spends more time with him at work each week that she does with you and the family.

Overly friendly co-workers are a danger to any marriage. More so to your's with your life style choice.

Still certain rules have to apply. Rules and boundaries in a traditional marriage are generally known. Your rules have to be defined, and it appears you have done that.

So now that the rules are broken what do you do?

Enforce consequences for the broken rules/boundaries.
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post #15 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 09:44 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Please keep posting.

This sh*t is hilarious.
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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