So it is Christmas Eve and I have no business posting right now. But I've had a bit too much wine, am a lonely army wife, and feel the need the talk. I will try to keep this concise.
My husband is an officer in the U.S. army and is currently deployed. About six weeks ago I caught him in an EA. The woman whom he was involved in the EA with is a fellow officer that he is deployed with. She is also married with kid(s).
I discovered the EA because one night I had an overwhelming prompting to break in to his Facebook account and check his messages. Please know that snooping on him was not an issue with me prior to this night. But the prompting was so strong that I had to follow through with it. I accessed his FB messages just in time to see him messaging the OW in real time. I knew at this point that there was a problem because he wrote a few slightly intimate things to her. It was nothing sexual or explicit but it was enough that it was definitely inappropriate for a married man.
I confronted my husband shortly after discovering this conversation. I also immediately informed the husband of the OW (I found out who he was via Facebook). This man confronted his wife only hours after I confronted my husband.
The next few weeks were an absolute emotional mess for me. My husband never denied involvement with the OW but insisted that he did not cheat but that it was just a flirtation taken too far. I think he actually believed that. I think he, at first, held to the idea that if nothing physical/sexual happened then no cheating occurred.
He admitted to me the following details: that they had spent time alone on a few occasions but always in public, if that makes sense. That he came to care about her but was not in love with her. That he was sexually attracted to her and had thought about her sexually on a few occasions. He admitted that she would discuss her marriage problems with him but he denied talking about our marriage or me with her. He told me that he had hugged her but denied any further physical involvement.
When I asked him why it happened he told me it was because he was unhappy because I had been so negative the past two years and that he just wanted someone to talk to that did not make him feel like he was to blame for their problems. I will admit that I have been somewhat depressed and anxious the past two years. The past couple of years have been my first as an army wife and it has been a difficult adjustment for me. I had to deal with moving away from everyone I loved and basically accept the loss of a career, both in the immediate and distant future.
I also accept my part in the emotional disconnection between us that occurred prior to deployment. I will not, however, take full responsibility for that or any responsibility for my husband's decision to engage in an EA instead of finding an appropriate way to deal with his own complicated feelings.
Anyhow, over the next several weeks after discovery/confrontation, my husband put me through the ringer emotionally. At first he pulled away from me and questioned our marriage. In the beginning he said he did not have the energy to discuss our problems. He eventually began to open up to me, to start saying "I love you" again with ease, to call me "babe", and to talk about our problems. He is now at a point where he tells me that he wants to work things out, that our marriage is not over, but tells me that he doesn't think anything can really be fixed until he is home from deployment.
I never begged or pleaded at any point for him to stay with me. I actually told him that if I was not the one he wanted or if I was his second choice that he should just leave. However, I do want to work things out. I do want my marriage to survive. I am just so confused.
Should I accept that things cannot be fully worked out until he is physically home with me? Should I not read to much into his emotional disconnect, considering our physical distance? Should I take his telling me that he does want to work things out and that we can do so when he gets home with optimism? How serious is the emotional affair that he engaged in (considering that I am trusting what he told me about it)? Should I be more forgiving of it under the circumstances? Basically, any advice that anyone is willing to give me about this would be appreciated.
My husband is an officer in the U.S. army and is currently deployed. About six weeks ago I caught him in an EA. The woman whom he was involved in the EA with is a fellow officer that he is deployed with. She is also married with kid(s).
I discovered the EA because one night I had an overwhelming prompting to break in to his Facebook account and check his messages. Please know that snooping on him was not an issue with me prior to this night. But the prompting was so strong that I had to follow through with it. I accessed his FB messages just in time to see him messaging the OW in real time. I knew at this point that there was a problem because he wrote a few slightly intimate things to her. It was nothing sexual or explicit but it was enough that it was definitely inappropriate for a married man.
I confronted my husband shortly after discovering this conversation. I also immediately informed the husband of the OW (I found out who he was via Facebook). This man confronted his wife only hours after I confronted my husband.
The next few weeks were an absolute emotional mess for me. My husband never denied involvement with the OW but insisted that he did not cheat but that it was just a flirtation taken too far. I think he actually believed that. I think he, at first, held to the idea that if nothing physical/sexual happened then no cheating occurred.
He admitted to me the following details: that they had spent time alone on a few occasions but always in public, if that makes sense. That he came to care about her but was not in love with her. That he was sexually attracted to her and had thought about her sexually on a few occasions. He admitted that she would discuss her marriage problems with him but he denied talking about our marriage or me with her. He told me that he had hugged her but denied any further physical involvement.
When I asked him why it happened he told me it was because he was unhappy because I had been so negative the past two years and that he just wanted someone to talk to that did not make him feel like he was to blame for their problems. I will admit that I have been somewhat depressed and anxious the past two years. The past couple of years have been my first as an army wife and it has been a difficult adjustment for me. I had to deal with moving away from everyone I loved and basically accept the loss of a career, both in the immediate and distant future.
I also accept my part in the emotional disconnection between us that occurred prior to deployment. I will not, however, take full responsibility for that or any responsibility for my husband's decision to engage in an EA instead of finding an appropriate way to deal with his own complicated feelings.
Anyhow, over the next several weeks after discovery/confrontation, my husband put me through the ringer emotionally. At first he pulled away from me and questioned our marriage. In the beginning he said he did not have the energy to discuss our problems. He eventually began to open up to me, to start saying "I love you" again with ease, to call me "babe", and to talk about our problems. He is now at a point where he tells me that he wants to work things out, that our marriage is not over, but tells me that he doesn't think anything can really be fixed until he is home from deployment.
I never begged or pleaded at any point for him to stay with me. I actually told him that if I was not the one he wanted or if I was his second choice that he should just leave. However, I do want to work things out. I do want my marriage to survive. I am just so confused.
Should I accept that things cannot be fully worked out until he is physically home with me? Should I not read to much into his emotional disconnect, considering our physical distance? Should I take his telling me that he does want to work things out and that we can do so when he gets home with optimism? How serious is the emotional affair that he engaged in (considering that I am trusting what he told me about it)? Should I be more forgiving of it under the circumstances? Basically, any advice that anyone is willing to give me about this would be appreciated.