ohioguy1

Hi
I am new here so forgive me for not having all the abbreviations down yet!
Here is the story:
I met my now wife at a time when she was taking a job out of state. We decided we could handle a long distance dating thing so we went for it. She obviously had to make new friends in her new town, and since we work for the same company I introduced her to a female coworker that I knew before she relocated to that city also. She had a male friend that my wife became friends with also. When I was visiting we all hung out & generally got along very well. Well things happen & I took a temp assignment there also so I could be with my wife and we could end the long distance hassles. I noticed that once I arrived we didn't hang out the OM very often and only really saw him at work and when we "ran into" each out & about. Not thinking much of it at all just kind of odd considering the amount of time she spent with home before I moved.
She had a falling out with the female coworker I introduced and they no longer talked at all. To the point of not even saying hi at work. Later I hear rumors that she had some sort of affair with the OM. she dismissed these saying the girl was starting them just to be mean to her and to cause problems in our relationship. She told mee nothing ever happened & that I knew the OM well enough to know he would not ever do anything like that. I actually agreed with her on this & moved on.
We both decide to make the move back to our original city & she continued to talk on the phone with OM text chat IM etc also. I accepted it all as "just friends" even though they only interacted when I wasn't around texts were always deleted etc. At one point I find out that they would talk for hours on the phone like if I was out with my guy friends she would spend the entire time talking 4+ hours into late night. Again I accepted it when she said "just friends". She needed a friend since she did not have many due to so much moving etc. I just state that I didn think that much phone time was appropriate. I noticed the talk time greatly decreased. Not because she shared with me but from our cell phone bill.
Jump ahead 2 years or so and the girl from the city we moved home from is moving here where we are. Rumors start again & I just dismiss them as petty women fights bitterness. Whatever.
One more year and we are getting married wife asks can OM be in wedding party I agreed. I will say she caught me one night drinking to ask & I just said yeah ok. Had I been sober I may have thought about it more since I did have doubts about the "just friends" but trusted her to tell me the truth.
About 6 months after our wedding the OM moves here also ( we are at the company headquarters so not that unusual). We don't hang out much but he is dating someone, but texts calls IMs are still continuing between wife and him. Again I think it's ok I am paranoid it was all just unfounded rumors etc.
Well now that you have most of the back story.
On Saturday a group of friends were all at the a wedding. OM is ther deity girlfriend who is also a mutual friend. They are not drinking and OM offers to drive our car home for us with us as passengers. I'm in the back as we start driving & look up front & notice they are holding hands! I don't say anything let it go I thought see where this leads. I am texting other friends figuring out where to go now etc. Eventually I notice they are not holding hands. Later, my phone rings and as I'm answering I notice they reach out to hold hands again. This time I say loudly " really? I'm right here". Nothing is said but they are not holding hands.
I let it go for a couple days and bring it up when we are both sober. Her response is that she has been sick over it, doesn't know why she did it etc " just to make me jealous maybe". She insists nothing ever happened between them & admits it was real poor judgement. Nothing ever happened sexually ever he is just a friend.

What do you all think? Any thoughts or ideas?
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golfergirl

If that's her boundary with you right there - what's her boundary when you aren't there. I'd be beyond p!ssed with both of them!
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sigma1299

I think you have more than enough grounds to 1. be suspicious and do what it takes to confirm or disprove those feelings, and 2. to be upset with your wife and explain to her that her behavior is unacceptable and must not continue.

It may be innocent but it may not. She may simply be gas lighting you (trying to convince you you're crazy or controlling) to get you to ignore that voice in your gut. Very normal behavior for a cheating spouse. You need to dig much further.

crossbar

Dude, really? The red flags are all over the place. She's pulling the wool over your eyes. If this just happened, you might want to put a keylogger on the computer, a VAR in her car and if you can get the opportunity when she's away from her phone, check the text logs. Chances are, they're talking about your reaction and they may give something up.

useable

i bet you one thousand dollar they already having Emotional Affair.
does she use computer to chat with him. if so, then you need keylogger to retrieve what the conversation in details.

but you already have right to confront this ***** when she held his hands. damn, why are you so stupid looking them holding hands in front of you and not to confront right there.

crossbar

Agreed. That takes a lot of balls and a lot of disrespect.

useable

he said to them that he was there but not confronted them. his words "i'm right here' tells that he just gave the soft warning. WTF,
where is his gentleness.

PHTlump

Your wife is cheating on you. You should investigate to verify this. Put a keylogger on her computer to monitor her email/IM/Facebook activity. Put a voice-activated recorder in her car to monitor her voice calls when you're not around. You may want one in your house as well to monitor calls she makes from there while you're out. You could put spyware on her phone (if she has a smart phone) to monitor calls/texts that way and even track her movements via GPS.

You need to do at least some of these to verify for yourself that she is cheating, which she obviously is. The only question is whether she is having phone sex or actual, physical sex with him. Given the amount of time they have spent together with you not around, the odds are very high that they are sleeping together. Most EAs involve distance between the two parties.

Once you have verified that she is cheating on you, you need to decide whether you want to attempt to reconcile with her or divorce. If you want to reconcile, you obviously need to cut this guy out of your lives completely and immediately. Tell your wife that a marriage is not a threesome. There is no room for this man getting in between you. If she balks, you need to be prepared to walk. If you aren't, then just accept their relationship and hope they break up eventually.

sigma1299

The hand holding indicates physical intimacy, which leads me to bet full on EA/PA. Especially if they're so comfortable with it they just did it unconsciously with her H in the car!!!

Cypress

OhioGuy,

I've been in your situation before. Anytime I was away my husband would be on the phone with OW. He thought that as long as there was no sex than it was not an affair. After I came back from a 4 day business trip he admitted that he brought her over to our house, "just to look around". I guess he was afraid my 6yr old daughter would tell on him. My gut was screaming " there is something wrong here". But I wanted the comfort and security of the marriage more than the fear of loss. So I chose to believe his lies. This allowed him to get even bolder and more reckless about the affair.

Cypress

__________________
The best revenge is to live well and not be invisible, show them how well you are without them but maintain a sense of grace and integrity. Find that grace to recast your life and do it well.

useable

very true. maybe the OP is hypnotized by her wife so he can do nothing about their intimacy. poor him

Pit-of-my-stomach

No, that's not really infidelity. You should wait until you see him hammering her from the back or until you actually see his junk in her mouth.

WTF!?!?!?

Yes. It's over the top, in your face confirmation of everything. Are you kidding??? Combine everything you have said, and top it off with the fact that they couldn't resist being physcially intimate with YOU IN THE CAR and you have everything you need.... Maybe a sledgehammer in the face would be more clear?

UGggggggggggggggggggggggg.

Shaggy

Sorry but pretty clearly they have been having an affair for quite a long time. The hand holding like that is something that is between lovers not friends.

You were told the truth years ago and you dismissed it.

Now you need to put VARs in place to get those conversations when you aren't there and you need to decide how you are going to deal with the evidence they will reveal.

To have gotten to the point where they would actually dare to connect in the front seat with you there shows they have very little respect for you. They likely both got a real thrill from doIng that at your expense along with a laugh later at your expense when they talked about it.

There isn't a question here of if. It is a question of how often and where.

Sorry but way too many red flags on this one
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useable

can you imagine what was he thinking right there ? i just do not know if this man came from earth or other planet as he did not confront the holding hands event. hufff

MrK

Full, hardcore no contact. No texts, no phone, no seeing each other.

I also detect no kids? You're gone if she so much as says his name out loud.

Oh, and this may sound obvious to you, but she needs to know no new boyfriends to replace him.