The Need to be Needed...
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-01-2008, 02:38 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default The Need to be Needed...

Husband admitted he needs to be needed and she was needy. I reminded him of his importance to me and our family and he said he really needed to hear that.

I'm a pretty independent woman. Lived on my own for many years before I got married so I knew how to take care of myself. After marriage, I was still taking the lead in household business, supervising repairs to the house, dealing with children issues, etc.

Guess he felt a little useless and someone else came along and made him felt strong and important.

We are talking a lot. Very, very personal conversations and it feels good and I think he is feeling good about us. We are talking constantly. If I bring her up he doesnt get mad anymore, just answer whatever question I have about their relationship.

He says that I'm his "true love" and he would die for me. He gives me his last. That includes beverages, food, money. Its hard to not believe him when he says that the emotional relationship he had with the coworker means nothing.

So I believe him and remind him of his importance in our life.

I check his "secret cell phone" and his minutes has not decreased for the past two weeks so he is not talking to anyone on it. I needed to see that. It helps.

Is the "need to be needed" really that important to some men?
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Old 12-01-2008, 04:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Need to be Needed...

One of the things that surprised me the most when my husband confessed his affair with a coworker was how much he missed intimacy and "feeling like he was not part of our lives".......He works long hours, and I have always had to take care of everything, house, bills, children etc.

I was quite touched to hear this....and it kind of makes me wonder why we assume only WOMEN want to be needed, have intimacy, etc. I think we women have sold some men short, and it sounds like you have a keeper too.

We too talk very openly now, too. The hurt is still very fresh for me (two months), but getting better. It helps that he is so open, remorseful, and deeply regrets the affair.

But it also hurts that they still work in the same place....I was wondering if your spouse still works with the OP, and if so, how you deal with this. It's the one thing I still struggle with.
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Old 12-02-2008, 09:14 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Need to be Needed...

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But it also hurts that they still work in the same place....I was wondering if your spouse still works with the OP, and if so, how you deal with this. It's the one thing I still struggle with.
We are all in different buildings. Up until 2 years ago, we were all in the same building. Thats how they got together. Now she works for another group so she doesnt have to have contact with him like before. I've walked over to his office unannounced many times so I dont think she would come over there. If they see each other at work, he would go to her office.
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Old 12-02-2008, 03:45 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Need to be Needed...

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Is the "need to be needed" really that important to some men?
It is to my H. I dont like the conotation of 'needing' him, though. Makes me feel codependent. But i tell him all the time how much i appreciate things he is doing.
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Old 12-02-2008, 04:57 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Need to be Needed...

just my two cents being a man. the whole want to felt needed thing doesn't mean needed like complete dependence on that person. to me it means makin your man feel like a man. make him feel important. every man wants to be the head of the house and I don't mean call the shots. its more like a twist of respect and affection.
I can only speak for me but that's part of what my marriage is missing. I've tried explaining that but I have me a very strong headed independent woman who isn't use to sharing the pedistal she put herself on. something she gotta wok on.

well that's my 2 cents
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Old 12-02-2008, 06:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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But here's the thing: if a spouse has a very intense job, is it up to us to interrupt them with our silly day-to-day crap to make them feel "needed"? I mean, I intentionally leave my husband alone during the day, I may send him an "I love you" e mail but that's it. Is that wrong? I know he's so crazy busy. What are we supposed dto do?
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Old 12-03-2008, 06:21 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Need to be Needed...

I know what you are talking about. My husband works long hours and misses a lot of the mundane here at home. During his affair, I was having computer problems (I work from home), but I hesitated to bother him for help. I found out later how much this hurt his feelings.....but I didn't want to stress him out. The reality is, each of us were trying to "spare" the other stress/anxiety, and dealing with things ourselves....and look what happened. We lost touch with each other, and things became ripe for the affair. It's so important to talk to each other about how things make you feel, both good and bad.
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Old 12-03-2008, 04:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Need to be Needed...

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But here's the thing: if a spouse has a very intense job, is it up to us to interrupt them with our silly day-to-day crap to make them feel "needed"? I mean, I intentionally leave my husband alone during the day, I may send him an "I love you" e mail but that's it. Is that wrong? I know he's so crazy busy. What are we supposed dto do?
I dont know if its wrong in your situation, but the way you worded it does sound like something is wrong. When you say that you have to bother him, during his very intense job, with your silly day-to-day crap, that sounds like you are putting yourself down. Like what he does is more important.

My H told me that when i kept going to my family for advice, and not to him, that it bothered him. I also read some of the book The proper caring and feeding of husbands and one thing the author says to do is everyday ask your H about his opinion on something. So i started doing that and i think he really likes it.
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