Husband ended affair-now bitter
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Husband ended affair-now bitter

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree2Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 09-05-2011, 11:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Jersey
Posts: 47
Default Husband ended affair-now bitter

My husband has been having an affair for a month. He ended it on his own, no ultimatiums or anything. He ended it a week ago, then talked to her again. Now says it is over forever and there is no way the OW would even speak to him again. He ended it for good yesterday and told me he wanted to work on us and keep our family together. We have 3 children 9 and under and have been together 17 years. Today he has been very cold, distant and standoffish. He just told me a few minutes ago he is extremely bitter, pissed off and resentful to me. He said he is mad that he blew off the OW for me when he just KNOWS he could have been happy with her forever. He told me I used our children to guilt trip him into staying, that I never thought of his feelings. Really?? Gimme a break. He has an affair and is accusing me of not considering his feelings. Anyway he said that now he is destined to be the grumpy old bitter husband, who stayed and "did the right" thing but is miserable. He said nobody (our marital counselor, our Priest or me) took his happiness into consideration. And now he is mad because he has lost any chances with the OW. Is this normal right after stopping the affair? I am so flipping hurt and getting disgusted and pissed at him. Sick of the rollercoaster. Please advise. THank you.
bossesgirl26 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-05-2011, 11:51 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 406
Default Re: Husband ended affair-now bitter

You have got to be kidding me. Tell him to grow the h3ll up. He took the vow for better or worst. Happiness comes from ourselves not from other people so sounds like he needs to work on himself. You cant find true happiness in someone else what a crock. Im not sure if it is normal maybe it is. Dont beat yourself up and dont let him get you down.

Sorry im not the right person to comment on what to do but just wanted to add my .02
Lostouthere is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-05-2011, 11:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 16
Default Re: Husband ended affair-now bitter

Sounds like he is just trying to justify HIS mistake by placing the blame on YOU.

YOU made him stay and do the right thing. If he had the balls he would have left you for her but HE knows that is the wrong thing to do himself.

Don't let him make you feel guilty for what he has done.
JupitersLament is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-06-2011, 12:54 AM   #4 (permalink)
ing
Member
 
ing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,195
Default Re: Husband ended affair-now bitter

Quote:
Originally Posted by bossesgirl26 View Post
Sick of the rollercoaster. Please advise. THank you.
I get this. My stbxw has finally woken up and finished an affair lasting six months. Now she wants to walk back in "for the sake of the kids"
I'm not angry. I'm just tired of hearing about her problems. They are not of my doing and she just wants to involve me in them.

He is still trying to shift the blame to you. He is trying to justify his actions. Let me guess.. He is trying to make it about "long standing problems in the relationship". It was never that good..
He needs to either recommit APOLOGIZE and generally see his ******* behaviour for what it is or you tell him your not interested and he should find somewhere to live. NOW.

He is not doing you any favours. You are giving him a gift.

Don't put up with it. Please.
ing is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-06-2011, 01:15 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Geoffrey Marsh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 348
Default Re: Husband ended affair-now bitter

bossesgirl26,

This is classic BLAME SHIFTING. Yes, it is "normal." In fact, I don't think I have ever seen a case where this didn't occur in the post-affair world. Although his level of "right up in your face with it" is a bit extreme. Most of the time it's much more passive aggressive. In either case, it's completely wrong.

The roller coaster you are on will continue for some time I'm afraid. At least until he grows up and owns up. Remember, You are the one giving him the second chance!

I know it's hard..and I'm sure he's making you feel about 2 inches tall right now. Try and take pause from his outburst and find some space. If and when he starts on his rants, remind him that HE made the decision to cheat, HE made the decision to stay afterwords.
__________________
Best wishes,
GM

If you would like more help, check out my blog: http://myspousecheated.blogspot.com
My Story: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ways-hope.html
Geoffrey Marsh is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-06-2011, 01:33 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,888
Default Re: Husband ended affair-now bitter

You can show him the door, if it is such a hardship to NOT be such a cheating idiot, then let him go.

Hire a lawyer.

You do not have to accept his crumbs or blame for his failings.
michzz is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-06-2011, 04:56 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 67
Default Re: Husband ended affair-now bitter

I agree with all of these folks here. He is trying to justify HIS wrong and make no mistake, he was WRONG.

Having said that, recognize this as well, like it or not, he is GRIEVING. He allowed himself to get emotionally tied in to another woman and that sense of security, companionship and fun is gone (in a flash no less - and that is as it should be). His emotions are more fall-out from the destructiveness of an affair and it hurts (you) badly. You don't have to take his feelings into account, he blew it, he needs to own his feelings and stop treating you like crap.

Having said all of that - and please, there is no way to overstate how wrong he is - recognizing that he is hurting deeply MAY help you help him. He was wrong but assuming you want to stay in the relationship, you are in this together, you need to recover together.

Good luck
rfAlaska is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-06-2011, 09:41 AM   #8 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
sigma1299's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,397
Default Re: Husband ended affair-now bitter

Quote:
Originally Posted by rfAlaska View Post
I agree with all of these folks here. He is trying to justify HIS wrong and make no mistake, he was WRONG.

Having said that, recognize this as well, like it or not, he is GRIEVING. He allowed himself to get emotionally tied in to another woman and that sense of security, companionship and fun is gone (in a flash no less - and that is as it should be). His emotions are more fall-out from the destructiveness of an affair and it hurts (you) badly. You don't have to take his feelings into account, he blew it, he needs to own his feelings and stop treating you like crap.

Having said all of that - and please, there is no way to overstate how wrong he is - recognizing that he is hurting deeply MAY help you help him. He was wrong but assuming you want to stay in the relationship, you are in this together, you need to recover together.

Good luck
I'm with Alaska
sigma1299 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-06-2011, 09:54 AM   #9 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 139
Default Re: Husband ended affair-now bitter

He's breaking an addiction and in withdrawal. It's ugly, messy and painful but he'll get over it. Get a thick skin and if you don't want to listen to him...don't. Nothing he says right now will be worth listening to, he's just vomiting up the residue of his affair.
grizabella is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-06-2011, 10:12 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
jezza's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 272
Default Re: Husband ended affair-now bitter

BG26 - How did it come into the open that he was having an affair?
If he is being so bitter towards you about it, why doesnt he just go back to the OW? He will be breaking his marriage vows and will have to suffer the consequences.
But its his choice.... Either he wants to 'repair' his marriage or he doesn't. Its also YOUR choice whether YOU can 'forgive' him for his affair and move on. You can also call time on the marriage....

Why did he have an affair in the first place?
jezza is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-06-2011, 01:00 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Therealbrighteyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 6,647
Default Re: Husband ended affair-now bitter

Quote:
Originally Posted by jezza View Post
BG26 - Why did he have an affair in the first place?
Because he is weak, cowardly and lazy.
Are there any reasons that are valid? Nope. Just excuses.
Therealbrighteyes is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-06-2011, 01:06 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Lavender's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Rome Georgia
Posts: 70
Default Re: Husband ended affair-now bitter

You have alot of control yourself, if he is being bitter etc after what he has done, why allow it??
__________________
Femforums.com
Lavender is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-06-2011, 03:50 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Jellybeans's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 19,558
Default Re: Husband ended affair-now bitter

Tell him if he feels that way, he knows where the door is.
Jellybeans is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-06-2011, 04:44 PM   #14 (permalink)
CH
Member
 
CH's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,579
Default Re: Husband ended affair-now bitter

Yep, he's a big boy. My wife took me back but gave no pity on my resentment over losing the OW. If I wasn't happy I was more than free to walk out the door and go.

She loved me, cared about me, but was not gonna have me be a jerk and blaming her for me having an affair. Can you believe it, I had an affair but it was my wife's fault it ended. How dare she make me lose someone I cared about and loved. How dare she tell me to suck it up or get out, what about my feelings.

My wife's reply to my moping, Tough sh*t and deal with it.

BTW it took me months to get over the resentment and over a year to really get over the OW. Told my wife years later, if I was you, I would have kicked me to the curb long ago and not put up with that crap.

I had alot of ground to make up to show my wife I wasn't gonna cheat anymore and dedicate myself to her only. It was hard, more than once I thought about just walking and every time I just thought, she took me back after I cheated on her. I owe her this much to try and make our marriage work.

My wife was at the point that either I get on board with the program or she was basically gonna D me and move back home to her parents.
CH is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-06-2011, 08:14 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 296
Default Re: Husband ended affair-now bitter

Blame shifting all the way, but he is grieving and he is going to have these feelings for a while, just like you will be on an emotional rollercoaster, as well. However, if he wants to work on the marriage, he is going to have to accept his responisbilities and do a lot of work to help you repair your marriage. If he is not willing to do that, then you might have to start thinking about letting him go.
tm84 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How long after an affair has ended? CarlJ Coping with Infidelity 5 06-21-2012 03:10 PM
husband ended affair-now what bossesgirl26 Coping with Infidelity 3 09-01-2011 04:49 PM
Affair ended but I don't know how I feel, please help! confooosed Coping with Infidelity 12 08-02-2011 10:05 AM
I had an affair and just ended it, but what about him? jsmith021378 Coping with Infidelity 16 09-23-2010 10:29 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:44 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.