The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationship - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 08:07 AM Thread Starter
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The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationship

I don't know where to start, and wasn't sure about writing my story, but I'll give it a try.

My husband who is my best friend(and I his) and I love extremely high cheated on me last summer.

I'll start from the beginning, he has a serious medical condition that is causing him a lot of pain and over a year a go he lost his job because of it. This was his dream job and he really loved it. Just before he lost his job he went to a hospital for a week and met lots of people with the same condition, he stayed in touch with all of them I think, but some more than others.

He got really depressed after loosing his job, and I was struggling at the same time and fighting really hard to not get depressed myself. Not very often but a few times over the next months he complained about me to one of the girls he met at the hospital. They became friends but there was nothing more from my husbands side. I'm unsure about her intentions since she'd send selfies to him, which I think is strange if your not fishing for compliments.

My husband has problems dealing with his emotions, and tend to bottle things up. In a way he never gave me a chance to improve. Knowing that his illness was getting worse and that I soon would have to care for him full time was not easy to handle as a 25 year old wife. He is only one year older than me.

I asked numerous times if there was a problem with our relationship but every time the answer was no. I was fine but everything else was wrong. He went on antidepressants witch was just making things worse, he got very distant and ignorant. In July he went on a trip on his own, I stayed at home to take care of the pets. I didn't want him to go but felt pressured by family members not to voice my concern.

During the time away on his road trip he spent two night with his friend, they didn't have intercourse or other type of sex since she was on her period, but they were very sexual. And after he'd been with her he came straight home with took him three days, then he asked for a divorce.

Wow it's hard to relive this in writing, I'm going to take a break before continuing.

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post #2 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 08:33 AM
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Re: The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationship

Sorry you are here but glad you found us.

If you don't mind me asking what is your husband's medical condition?

It must have affected his mind if he is going to throw away his wife, lover, best friend and future nurse for someone who might be as sick as him.

Is his affair partner a sick person or the wife of sick person?
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post #3 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 08:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationship

Ok, here we go...

He agreed to give me some time to deal with this and to come to terms with the it before making any changes or moving out. After a lot of badgering he allowed me to read the messages between them. That was painful. They were reminiscing about their sexual acts and he said he missed her bed. He dreaded telling me, because he knew I wouldn't accept it. He told her I'd want sex with him and that he'd have to tell me what they'd done. When she'd said I'd hate her, he said I already did because she was more beautiful than me. Then she made some joke about it always being good to be hated. One of the reasons this hurt so much is that I am not a hateful or jealous person, it felt like he didn't know me at all.

We scheduled mc, but had to wait a few weeks. Meanwhile he refused to cut contact because she was a friend, and he wouldn't cut out a friend just because I told him too. He never had romantic feelings for her. The reason he wanted divorce was that his vacation on his own he had been happy, but he was depressed at home. Every weekend I went away he did contact her, and the last time he deleted the messages, plus changed all his passwords. This was only for a few weeks tho, so all in all not mush contact. And the messages he deleted was only 3 som not substantial. I know this because his phone only saves a set number and I could see how many was missing. Before that weekend we had made a lot of progress but after that we had to start from scratch and he was just as ready to leave me again.

At some point he stopped his antidepressants which helped, and only a couple of months after dday he was determined to make our marriage work. He was not ready to say he loved me again until mid October.

Through this whole time I could see that he was not himself, I could even see it in his eyes when I looked at him. I was so determined to see him as himself again, and I'm glad he has been himself for a while now. He just started IC which he is exited about and had to wait a while for. He is determined to work on himself and be a good husband to me. Since that last weekend he has only heard from her once, he instantly showed me the text and then deleted it.

I will probably share more details later as they come to me...
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post #4 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 08:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationship

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Sorry you are here but glad you found us.

If you don't mind me asking what is your husband's medical condition?

It must have affected his mind if he is going to throw away his wife, lover, best friend and future nurse for someone who might be as sick as him.

Is his affair partner a sick person or the wife of sick person?
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Thanks MattMatt

He has ehlers danlos syndrome she has the same condition but a different type. She was only 19 and living at her dads. They had a guest room but for some reason her sister had to stay there. Must be some f**ed up family, I feel almost like they all participated.
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post #5 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 09:55 AM
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Re: The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationship

I've seen this time and time again on here. What is it with antidepressants? It seems like as soon as some people start taking them they get a case of wandering eyes, wandering minds, wandering hands and wandering...

Your husband told you that he wants to work on the marriage. Did this coincide with him stopping the antidepressants?

Sorry you are here.

Do you feel like you want to try to save you marriage? The physical cheating is tough to deal with and reconcile on it's own. I'm guessing that the things you read he had written to the OW have hurt you even more. Does he know that you read them?
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post #6 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 10:19 AM
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Re: The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationship

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Originally Posted by Emmi View Post
I don't know where to start, and wasn't sure about writing my story, but I'll give it a try.

My husband who is my best friend(and I his) and I love extremely high cheated on me last summer.

I'll start from the beginning, he has a serious medical condition that is causing him a lot of pain and over a year a go he lost his job because of it. This was his dream job and he really loved it. Just before he lost his job he went to a hospital for a week and met lots of people with the same condition, he stayed in touch with all of them I think, but some more than others.

He got really depressed after loosing his job, and I was struggling at the same time and fighting really hard to not get depressed myself. Not very often but a few times over the next months he complained about me to one of the girls he met at the hospital. They became friends but there was nothing more from my husbands side. I'm unsure about her intentions since she'd send selfies to him, which I think is strange if your not fishing for compliments.

My husband has problems dealing with his emotions, and tend to bottle things up. In a way he never gave me a chance to improve. Knowing that his illness was getting worse and that I soon would have to care for him full time was not easy to handle as a 25 year old wife. He is only one year older than me.

I asked numerous times if there was a problem with our relationship but every time the answer was no. I was fine but everything else was wrong. He went on antidepressants witch was just making things worse, he got very distant and ignorant. In July he went on a trip on his own, I stayed at home to take care of the pets. I didn't want him to go but felt pressured by family members not to voice my concern.

During the time away on his road trip he spent two night with his friend, they didn't have intercourse or other type of sex since she was on her period, but they were very sexual. And after he'd been with her he came straight home with took him three days, then he asked for a divorce.

Wow it's hard to relive this in writing, I'm going to take a break before continuing.
The number one flaw in the relationship was failed communication. Instead of confiding in you, he talked to others. Time and time again, that is the cause of relationship failure and/or affairs.

One of the biggest problems I notice in relationships is a failure to communicate. The main cause of this is a fear of the truth. Individuals think their partner will judge them. Why are we in relationships if our partner will judge us or if we think they will. In relationships, there should be no secrets. The minute that a partner can't talk is the minute there is a serious problem. A lot of communication breakdown is the result of judgement or body language on the part of the listener.

Kudos to you for finding the strength to do this. Whatever you do, don't make exceptions. Accept nothing less than an honest an open relationship. Intimacy and trust are #1.

Relationship Teacher


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post #7 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationship

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Originally Posted by GROUNDPOUNDER View Post
I've seen this time and time again on here. What is it with antidepressants? It seems like as soon as some people start taking them they get a case of wandering eyes, wandering minds, wandering hands and wandering...

Your husband told you that he wants to work on the marriage. Did this coincide with him stopping the antidepressants?

Sorry you are here.

Do you feel like you want to try to save you marriage? The physical cheating is tough to deal with and reconcile on it's own. I'm guessing that the things you read he had written to the OW have hurt you even more. Does he know that you read them?
He cut down on them before quitting completely, and I think it was around the time he started cutting down. But he was very up and down during the beginning. Every time we had sex or I did something else good he realised more and more that he didn't want to throw this away. His physical pain clearly blocked whatever emotions the antidepressants didn't block. He got better gradually while cutting and stopping them, but also through me showing him what his life with me would be like and who I really am, since over the last 6months he had completely distorted his image of me in his mind.

I do want to save our marriage. I love him, he is the only man I have ever been with, and I want to keep it that way. I am however demanding that he step up to make it worth it for me, and that he make more of an effort to meet my emotional needs. Before this happened I trusted him more than I trusted my self, I felt like I knew for a fact that he would never cheat on me. How kind and good he was was one of the main reasons I choose him. Now I feel like I need more than that. He is really trying, and I am sure we are meant to be together. Even through the toughest time in our relationship we had fun and laughed together, we were truly best friends even then.

I never read anything without permission, so yes he knows. And yes those messages hurt immensely, and they are what still haunts me. Especially where he compared me to her, shared the most private information about me with her and talked bad about me. It also bothers me how long it took him to cut contact. He has taken back everything, and now thinks I'm better than her in every way, but sometimes I kind of wish he would take it back to her as well, and that he would be as mean to her as he was to me, but I know nothing good will come of that, I much prefer no contact.
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post #8 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 10:31 AM
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Re: The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationship

Not to be a downer, but a period does not stop many men or women from having sex.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #9 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 10:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationship

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The number one flaw in the relationship was failed communication. Instead of confiding in you, he talked to others. Time and time again, that is the cause of relationship failure and/or affairs.

One of the biggest problems I notice in relationships is a failure to communicate. The main cause of this is a fear of the truth. Individuals think their partner will judge them. Why are we in relationships if our partner will judge us or if we think they will. In relationships, there should be no secrets. The minute that a partner can't talk is the minute there is a serious problem. A lot of communication breakdown is the result of judgement or body language on the part of the listener.

Kudos to you for finding the strength to do this. Whatever you do, don't make exceptions. Accept nothing less than an honest an open relationship. Intimacy and trust are #1.

Relationship Teacher
You are right, my husband has always told me I am the least judgemental person he knows, his failure to communicate I think comes from thinking he is wrong to feel what he is feeling and trying to fix it on his own, hopefully his IC will help him deal better in the future. We generally have a really good relationship with good communication and openness between us. I do however understand that it was difficult for him to talk about his problems when he doesn't have a well developed emotional language.

Also we are both quite sure that he was going through an existential crisis at the time, he felt like his whole life was falling apart and it was all outside of his control. The only thing in his life he could change was his marital status, luckily he now realises that that was the only thing at that time that was good. Imagine loosing your health in your mid twenties, and feeling like no one understands what you are going through. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but it is important to me to show the full picture, and not portray his as some ahole who treats his wife like sh!t.
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post #10 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationship

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Not to be a downer, but a period does not stop many men or women from having sex.
I know, but the story has remained consistent since the first day when I had to force it out of him, is it still trickle truth if it all comes out in one day?

Also I know him, even though he wasn't himself at the time. For him to want sex while I'm on my period he has to be extremely turned on, it has happened a few times over the years, but bear in mind that I know exactly what he likes and how to get him going, she apparently was not very skilful at all. He recently told me that it was a bit like making out with a jackhammer. He went to show me how she kissed and I haven't laughed that hard in ages, I really don't know how he managed to keep a straight face, let alone get a hard on...


Last edited by Emmi; 01-09-2016 at 10:58 AM. Reason: Adding information
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post #11 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 11:37 AM
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Re: The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationship

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Not to be a downer, but a period does not stop many men or women from having sex.
They had some form of sex just not PIV sex.

It never bothered me but my wife HATED PIV during her period. Her first husband convinced her it was dirty.

My reply? "That is why we have soap and water!"
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post #12 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 11:41 AM
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Re: The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationship

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I know, but the story has remained consistent since the first day when I had to force it out of him, is it still trickle truth if it all comes out in one day?

Also I know him, even though he wasn't himself at the time. For him to want sex while I'm on my period he has to be extremely turned on, it has happened a few times over the years, but bear in mind that I know exactly what he likes and how to get him going, she apparently was not very skilful at all. He recently told me that it was a bit like making out with a jackhammer. He went to show me how she kissed and I haven't laughed that hard in ages, I really don't know how he managed to keep a straight face, let alone get a hard on...
Because he was having sex with a 19 year old nymph and turned you into his cuckqueen.

What he did was very wrong.

There needs to be intense counselling with post nuptial agreements with strict boundaries set.
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post #13 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 02:31 PM
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Re: The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationship

Sorry you are here my lady.

You said you want to stay in this Marriage but your husband is still in contact with this girl. No chance sorry What is the point going to MC if he is still in contact with her !

If she was having period it does not mean they didnt have sex,he is lying to you.

You are only 25 years old so dont waste your life on him.

I know you will think about his medical condition and feel bad if you leave him,but he is the one who should feel bad.

He had a good wife and best friend,who was taking care of him and look what he did !Shame on him.

Stay strong my lady and best wishes to you.
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post #14 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 03:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationship

@MattMatt I don't quite understand what you mean here. And I do believe him that they didn't have sex, her knickers didn't come of and his penis was only in her hand. He wanted to leave back then he had no reason to lie.
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post #15 of 132 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 04:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The emotional roller coaster of rebuilding the relationship

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Sorry you are here my lady.

You said you want to stay in this Marriage but your husband is still in contact with this girl. No chance sorry What is the point going to MC if he is still in contact with her !

If she was having period it does not mean they didnt have sex,he is lying to you.

You are only 25 years old so dont waste your life on him.

I know you will think about his medical condition and feel bad if you leave him,but he is the one who should feel bad.

He had a good wife and best friend,who was taking care of him and look what he did !Shame on him.

Stay strong my lady and best wishes to you.
He has not been in contact with her since mid August, marriage counselling really helped him to realise he needed to cut contact and it helped him realise what he really wanted, which was me. It has also helped in giving us tools for communication and other things to help rebuild our relationship.

Like I said my husband was not himself at this time, and since he is now and has promised never to let himself go like that again I have decided to trust him again.
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