41yM, 3kids.
about five years ago went through a rough spot. my wife was always the 'perfect' one in the relationship. my work was increasingly stressful, I could feel the distance growing....it was a very frustrating time. at times I would lose my composure and say hurtful things. i would also try to express what I was feeling, and seemed to fall on deafened ears or little resolution ever occurred. our arguments intensified, and she asked me to move out. We understood the seriousness of this move, and frankly I had no idea what to do. I sought marriage counseling for us and she was very sluggish on the idea. so move out I did.
I continued to try to communicate, learning that I really should limit my comments or statements to one, calm, considerate thought a day maximum. I would visit the home, kids, and do my part as best I could. all the more, work intensified and was all the more stressful. I had recently failed an examination perhaps similar to an airline pilot and felt my work, home, personal...all aspects of my life were in trial and very close to the end of the rope.
I noted she was closely communicating with colleagues of ours as we work in the same field, but not together. one was divorced, and the other divorced and remarried. certainly 'power' women. I asked if she thought this was helpful to us. little reply, just that they are friends. I felt she absolutely set me on fire to our colleagues as I was not perfect. in the meantime I dragged us to several MC, only the third made some sense to us. I attended probably double the sessions she did and when asked how invested she was, she stated 2/10, and I put forth the 10/10. I knew I had to change some things....and was working hard on it.
then it happened. she was in the shower, her phone sounded .... I was home at the time, message reads 'thinking of you'.
I ask about this, she says its her GF we both know. I dismoss and leave. I go to study, and I text her inquiring. She says it was from 'Gary'. a third mutual colleague and former friend of mine as well.
now the thoughts race, I recall the company party where she playfully jumped on his back. the concert we all went to, with his wife too----yet I had just learned he was divorcing her.
another concert they went to as I had to study....with her GF too, but the GF ended up meeting with her BF in the other city and Gary, our kids, and my wife all spent the night at her dads. and remarkably, my father in law decides to take the kids out for bowling leaving the two of them at his place.... and in the 12 years of marriage he never had taken the kids anywhere or showed up for a birth of a child. wtf. talk about feeling the odds stacked.
obviously alarms are sounding huge. distraught and fog just don't sum it up. I couldn't find my car from where I was. I only wish I found this TAM site then, as what followed didn't help.
I blamed my self for everything. I did call POSOM calmly, as I surely couldn't use a riot act as my wife was extremely sensitive to raised voices at the time, swearing, etc. etc as her father never even sore, parents rarely fought and I grew up in a living, loving, and at times volatile/very expressive household. after all, she liked that about me initially. the family communication I had, togetherness, conflict resolution etc. so I learned in counseling how to communicate in a different manner.
so we were obviously now sexless, which really messes a guys head up. counselors advised me to back off. and i did. if she chose to text, call, whatever, whomever, I had to let go. and I did.
and it burned me up. the old me died. for better or worse.
5 years passed. about once a week or month I'd say, I can't even look myself in the mirror. I'm without resolution. I can't forget all those feelings. I would say we have to move. too many memories I haven't even touched here.
the sad Irony that the exam I had to pass, the class was previously instructed by Gary. so I had to study for months and I could just hear that sickly voice.
it took about two months to get my head on straight to realize, wait, I should move out? she should move out!!!!
so against her will, I moved back into my own home. I would look at phone records and see she was texting Gary and the other two divorcees daily. "He's just a good friend".
wow.
so we were sexless for about 9 months. that really messes a guys head up. I now think anything over 1 month is red line and 'gloves are off'. I won't ever allow such a thing again. I'd be gone.
after that period of great pain. I passed my exam. regained the weight I lost. started to work out. ran half marathons and won 5k's for my age. my family was still together. but I didn't feel the same. I used to feel I could accomplish anything with my wife, wven when I was struggling/angry. I would come back to us. I never felt that come back feeling completely.
then it happened. a stunning, tall, smiling ray of sunshine crossed my path.
we started to run. we laughed. smiled. shared stories. she just cut off her engagement and I happened to be there for support. it was mutually healing it seemed.
yes, I had to lie to spend time. but after 5y, I felt something good again. we never went physical. we both agreed couldn't do that as it just hurts too much.
then my wife had her D day. it all hit the fan. she was in my phone while I was sleeping and woke me with a punch to the head. I don't blame her.
since then, our sex hasn't been better. for the first time ever!, she said Gary was a snake, and I needed to wake up. and for the first time I think she understands what I went through. why does it take this to get to understanding??
so currently I am not communicating with OW, but she does cross my mind. I had thought of leaving my life for her, but that would have been pretty messy. wife threatened billboards and to destroy us. who knows what would have happened.
so basically, were 'even'?
is this even repairable. we get along ok. take care of the kids ok. physically were better than ever I think. she gets occasionally, daily, spiteful thoughts....but so did I. its amazing how the others who come close to a family never feel a repercussion, but the family suffers so much.
about five years ago went through a rough spot. my wife was always the 'perfect' one in the relationship. my work was increasingly stressful, I could feel the distance growing....it was a very frustrating time. at times I would lose my composure and say hurtful things. i would also try to express what I was feeling, and seemed to fall on deafened ears or little resolution ever occurred. our arguments intensified, and she asked me to move out. We understood the seriousness of this move, and frankly I had no idea what to do. I sought marriage counseling for us and she was very sluggish on the idea. so move out I did.
I continued to try to communicate, learning that I really should limit my comments or statements to one, calm, considerate thought a day maximum. I would visit the home, kids, and do my part as best I could. all the more, work intensified and was all the more stressful. I had recently failed an examination perhaps similar to an airline pilot and felt my work, home, personal...all aspects of my life were in trial and very close to the end of the rope.
I noted she was closely communicating with colleagues of ours as we work in the same field, but not together. one was divorced, and the other divorced and remarried. certainly 'power' women. I asked if she thought this was helpful to us. little reply, just that they are friends. I felt she absolutely set me on fire to our colleagues as I was not perfect. in the meantime I dragged us to several MC, only the third made some sense to us. I attended probably double the sessions she did and when asked how invested she was, she stated 2/10, and I put forth the 10/10. I knew I had to change some things....and was working hard on it.
then it happened. she was in the shower, her phone sounded .... I was home at the time, message reads 'thinking of you'.
I ask about this, she says its her GF we both know. I dismoss and leave. I go to study, and I text her inquiring. She says it was from 'Gary'. a third mutual colleague and former friend of mine as well.
now the thoughts race, I recall the company party where she playfully jumped on his back. the concert we all went to, with his wife too----yet I had just learned he was divorcing her.
another concert they went to as I had to study....with her GF too, but the GF ended up meeting with her BF in the other city and Gary, our kids, and my wife all spent the night at her dads. and remarkably, my father in law decides to take the kids out for bowling leaving the two of them at his place.... and in the 12 years of marriage he never had taken the kids anywhere or showed up for a birth of a child. wtf. talk about feeling the odds stacked.
obviously alarms are sounding huge. distraught and fog just don't sum it up. I couldn't find my car from where I was. I only wish I found this TAM site then, as what followed didn't help.
I blamed my self for everything. I did call POSOM calmly, as I surely couldn't use a riot act as my wife was extremely sensitive to raised voices at the time, swearing, etc. etc as her father never even sore, parents rarely fought and I grew up in a living, loving, and at times volatile/very expressive household. after all, she liked that about me initially. the family communication I had, togetherness, conflict resolution etc. so I learned in counseling how to communicate in a different manner.
so we were obviously now sexless, which really messes a guys head up. counselors advised me to back off. and i did. if she chose to text, call, whatever, whomever, I had to let go. and I did.
and it burned me up. the old me died. for better or worse.
5 years passed. about once a week or month I'd say, I can't even look myself in the mirror. I'm without resolution. I can't forget all those feelings. I would say we have to move. too many memories I haven't even touched here.
the sad Irony that the exam I had to pass, the class was previously instructed by Gary. so I had to study for months and I could just hear that sickly voice.
it took about two months to get my head on straight to realize, wait, I should move out? she should move out!!!!
so against her will, I moved back into my own home. I would look at phone records and see she was texting Gary and the other two divorcees daily. "He's just a good friend".
wow.
so we were sexless for about 9 months. that really messes a guys head up. I now think anything over 1 month is red line and 'gloves are off'. I won't ever allow such a thing again. I'd be gone.
after that period of great pain. I passed my exam. regained the weight I lost. started to work out. ran half marathons and won 5k's for my age. my family was still together. but I didn't feel the same. I used to feel I could accomplish anything with my wife, wven when I was struggling/angry. I would come back to us. I never felt that come back feeling completely.
then it happened. a stunning, tall, smiling ray of sunshine crossed my path.
we started to run. we laughed. smiled. shared stories. she just cut off her engagement and I happened to be there for support. it was mutually healing it seemed.
yes, I had to lie to spend time. but after 5y, I felt something good again. we never went physical. we both agreed couldn't do that as it just hurts too much.
then my wife had her D day. it all hit the fan. she was in my phone while I was sleeping and woke me with a punch to the head. I don't blame her.
since then, our sex hasn't been better. for the first time ever!, she said Gary was a snake, and I needed to wake up. and for the first time I think she understands what I went through. why does it take this to get to understanding??
so currently I am not communicating with OW, but she does cross my mind. I had thought of leaving my life for her, but that would have been pretty messy. wife threatened billboards and to destroy us. who knows what would have happened.
so basically, were 'even'?
is this even repairable. we get along ok. take care of the kids ok. physically were better than ever I think. she gets occasionally, daily, spiteful thoughts....but so did I. its amazing how the others who come close to a family never feel a repercussion, but the family suffers so much.