I think he simple cannot wrap his mind around this. If you and your husband are trying to get pregnant, why in the hell would you continue to have unprotected sex with another man? I do not blame your husband for feeling devastated by this.
I really don't know why I did this. It really was I got a little attention and I totally just gave it into it. That doesn't make it right, I know it was wrong and I know it makes me stupid and an awful person and wife.
I brought up going to counseling again and he told me he doesn't think I need it. I said I really want to work on our marriage so we can come out of this stronger than ever, and he just responded that we can do that by ourselves.
It doesn't make you an awful person. It means you made some bad decisions. How you are handling it and how you continue to handle it says more about you. Everyone's feet are made of clay and in the right circumstance we can all make horrifically bad decisions, and we all do. It's how we handle and learn from those decisions that really shows who and what we are.
IMO the two of you need to put trying to have children on hold, for a while, like a couple of years. You've got a lot to work through just dealing with the affair, adding a child to the dynamic now will just unbelievably complicate things. Having a child, especially a first child, is very stressful. Just read all of the threads where the affair happened right before during or after a pregnancy. It's a major life changer and generally not a good thing for the relationship between the husband and wife in the short term - even when all is good. Thrown on top of a relationship already under strain and it may be too much. You need a good solid marriage before you bring a child into the world together.
The two of you do need counseling, but you can accomplish it between yourselves if you work at it. To do that you will both have to work hard at communicating with each other about your feelings and emotions and helping each other to deal with and process them. Read Almostrecovered's recent thread - I think it's called "2 years ago today." In one post in there he talks about he and his WW counseling themselves.
I really beg to differ with your husband regarding his belief that the two of you do not need counseling. Trying to sweep things under the rug as though it never happened seldom - if ever - works. I understand that he feels emasculated by the experience - I'm a betrayed husband so I have a pretty good idea of what he is feeling at this moment - and he may cringe at the thought of having to expose this story to a third party, a counselor. Of course you do not want to do anything behind his back ever again, but if in the days or weeks to come, you see his emotional well being deteriorate, please bring up the subject of individual counseling again for the two of you. He may - at that time - be more agreeable to it.
You may want to consider purchasing and reading books on healing after an affair. Books such as How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald and How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To by Janis A. Spring, and reading them together with your husband or by yourself. Leave the books in plain sight so your husband can see them and hopefully become curious enough to pick them up. Another thing you can do is invite him to come here to TAM or any other marriage oriented sites such as Marriage Advocates, etc to receive emotional support from other betrayed spouses. Just like you, he is not alone and he can transcend this ordeal to become much more emotionally stronger man than he ever was.
Just got off the phone with him. He at least responded that he loved me but he said the more he thinks about it, more that he wants to leave. Which is extremely hurtful, but I completely understand. I told him I really want to prove myself as a wife and I want this marriage to be successful and I will do anything to make it stronger. Then he asked if the OM was the only one. I said yes, then he apoligized for asking. I told him not to ever be sorry to ask, that he could ask anything and I promised to be truthful.
I will try again in a couple days about counseling. Even if it is just for me. I will show him this site, but I doubt he will come on. He has always kept his feelings to himself and I am very surprised that he is being as open as he is. I am thankful for that.
Yesterday was quite hard for me. I know it sounds selfish by saying me, cause I'm sure it was hard for him. He was just more reserved, instead of asking me questions or just talking he just stayed quiet. When I talked about it, he didn't respond. When I said I loved him, I got nothing. When I asked for a kiss, he denied. So it's really hard to cope with that. I didn't say anything and that I understood but it's still hard.
Expect more of this. He is on the worst roller coaster of his life right now. You cannot even fathom how he feels.
Originally Posted by _mary
I really don't know why I did this.
You did it because you wanted to. You chose to.
My advice, again, is to get tested for STDs immediately and get a pregnancy test.
Just because you are a married woman doesn't mean you stop being sexually attracted to other men besides your husband. Proof of this is that you had sex with the OM 6 times and by your own admission, would have continued to have sex with him if you had not come here and still hung out with him and your 'friend'.
Your problem is not that you are abnormally attracted to other men but in not observing marital boundaries. Boundaries such as never being alone in the presence of another man - especially one that you find him sexually attractive - and never becoming friends with people who are cheaters or encourage you to cheat. Marital boundaries are extremely important and more so when you are emotionally and physical vulnerable and are going through a rough time in your marriage.
I agree. It's not that I don't know why I did it. More that I can't believe I actually *coughcough* cheated on my husband. Like when we got married, many people said that this would happen and I was like, ahh no. I love him to much to do that. In fact that I don't believe while I was doing this, I was loving him any less. Even though, I knew it was wrong, I kept on doing this. And you are probably right, if I didn't google for advice, and I didn't find the board, I would probably be at my friend's house right now. Not because I wanted to keep on doing it, but because I felt like I was by myself and I didn't have a person being like, you are wrong! Of course, my consicious was telling me this, but I don't know. I sound stupid, so I hope I make sense.
I got a random random question. Before when we did argue, it was mainly because of our dog. I love him, my H goes through periods of liking him. He always brought up that he wants to get rid of him. I never wanted to, because I absolutely love this stupid dog. Yesterday he mentioned that he wants to get rid of him..(Okay, okay, he has been saying this for a daily basis for like 2 months now.) Should I actually consider it now?
Just because they said we were to young to get married. My family was very supportive of us getting married. His family, however, wasn't. But I don't think it was because they thought they were to young. I think it was more because they were afraid of loosing him and they had no problem showing their hatred towards me. We haven't even spoken to his dad in over a year.
I agree that the dog is a pain in the ass and it's really hard to move to a nicer place because most places not allow pets accept for dumpier places. But in all reality, I love the dog. I spoil him and I will miss him sooo much, but I know that is what my H wants. So I don't know what I want to do.
I'd ditch the dog. You ditched your committment to your husband. He is hurting more than you can imagine. This is something he has been wanting. Giving it to him shows you care about what he wants. He knows you want to keep it. Giving up a dog may give you a better chance at not giving up your marriage, which is way more important.
Not so much that it is "just a dog", but to me it would show, "I screwed up. I understand I screwed up. I know you want to get rid of the dog. I'm willing to give up the dog as a consequence to my horrible decision. I love you and want to make you happy."
That is how I would take it. On the other hand, I would take an insistence to keep the dog to say, "I know you want to get rid of the dog, but I want to keep the dog. Just as in my affair with OM, what I want is more important to me than what you want. I'm not willing to give up something so insignificant in the big scheme of things as a consequence of my actions. You just need to get over it."
When we first got together, my H had a GF that his parents absolutely loved. She went to their church and then I came along and they broke up. His parents didn't really know me, and my H was sleeping over at my house, (well my parents house. we were 18). And he was living with his real mom and not them (them meaning dad & stepmom that he lived with like his whole life). They didn't approve of him staying over at my house so my H just didn't tell them. Well one night at like 3 o'clock in the morning they came to my house to see if he was there. Of course he was. His dad came to my bedroom window looked between the blinds..and of course what were we doing? Yup, the nasty. He taped on the window and then after knocking all over my house for like an hour. He left.
The next day his dad and his stepmom came over to my house to tell my parents what they seen. They said how awful it was of them to let me have a boy over. How I pretty much was a **** and so on. And ever since then, it hasn't gone over well.
When we announced we were getting married, the first thing they said was they I had to involve all his brothers and sisters. (He has 4 sisters 2 brothers, and my H is the oldest) I said of course. Then the day of my bridal shower, his stepmom took all the kids and left his dad and moved to a house like 4 hours away.
They both tried to involve my H in their divorce in much way as possible. Making him choose sides, etc. The day after our wedding. They moved back in together. At first I really tried to get my H to talk to his family cause I thought it was my fault that they don't talk. But my H really doesn't want anything to do with them, so I learned just to sit back and support him on not wanting a relationship with them.
Okay, sorry for the random story.
I'm just afraid if I get rid of the dog, that later on he will regret it. (I believe he loves him) and then be like, "you only got rid of him, because you cheated on me!"