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i feel guilty but..

60K views 279 replies 53 participants last post by  Decorum 
#1 ·
I was googled "I cheated on my husband' to find someone to talk to because I don't have anyone to talk to and I found this board. I was hoping maybe I could find advice/help or maybe someone like me.

I haven't been married long. (2 years in November) And we are both young. (Both 21) I love him with everything I have. I don't want anything to happen between us and so on and so on. We've been through everything together. He is my support system, and we've gone through a miscarriage together..(about 2 years ago)

My dad got sick and he lives on the other side of the country so I flew out there for like 3 weeks to help him. Before I got back, my husband had to leave for 4 weeks for the army. So we haven't seen each other for a while.

I was at a girl friend's house just sleeping the night because I just didn't want to be home alone. Her baby's father was staying there and things just happened and we had sex. (My girl friend knew). After that I felt extreamly guilty and I really hated myself and I went back and forth if I should tell him. My husband got back and I decided I should keep it a secret and I told my girl friend how I felt and she understood but didn't at the same time.

I know this sounds soooo selfish but my husband works all the time and I just get bored and I just wish we had more time together. Like we won't need the money but then he volunteers to work on his days off. Then like he'll get a day off then he has to go to drill for the army.

So I was back at my friends house, and we had sex again. and again. Now we had sex 6 times and now it's kind of behind my friends back. And I'm just like why do I keep on doing this to myself?

We also moved away from all our family and friends. So I've tried to be like, I'm just not going over there anymore. But I am in this town by myself and she is seriously my only friend..and with her comes him. And with him is temptation that I can't resist.
 
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#4 · (Edited)
I know it's completely me. He hasn't done anything wrong. As much as it might seem like I'm putting the blame on him by saying he isn't giving me attention, cause that just makes me sound like a selfish biotch.

But I really really feel if I do come clean. He will make me leave. Maybe not leave me forever, but for a couple days. And the only place I have to go is back to that house.

Am I also wrong to be more afraid of my family finding out?

Sorry if my questions are like whoa. But I really want a judgement free answer. Like if I asked my gal friend she would just tell me what I would want to hear.

EDIT::
I don't have a job. I did, but I had to quit when we moved out here for his job. I was looking for a job but he told me he didn't want me to work. We are trying to have a baby and I have been going to the doctors and on birth control now so I can go back and get fertility medicine but I am actually really considering stopping because of this. Like all my life I wanted to be a mom. I know I will make an awesome mom. But how can I make a baby with my husband when I can't even stay faithful.
-Probably for a little over a month now.
 
#9 ·
But I really want a judgement free answer.
You wont get one.

You will get a flat faced, straight up truth. A truth you need to face....

**mumble to self** Ugggggggggg. Don't do it Pit, just dont waste your breath. She wont listen. She just wants a way around paying the price for her actions, not help ***Sign out now Pit*** Just walk away***

Good luck! Please don't have children. Thanks!
 
#5 ·
It seems like you're avoiding telling him because you're embarrassed, and it may inconvenience you. Not really good reasons, in my opinion. And yes, you should be worried about your family finding out. It will be humiliating, and they will be disappointed in you.

However... If this comes out because you take ownership of your actions and what you've done, it should be much less painful. If this blows up and goes public, that's most likely your worst case scenario. And the longer it goes on, the worse it will be.

And as an FYI, I'm the one that cheated in my marriage. So no judging here.


C
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#6 ·
Please don't have a kid until all this is worked out and behind you. And you'd do much better to get a job to keep yourself out of trouble. Idle hands, and all that...

Edit: and you've screwed this guy 6 times in a month? Where does your husband think you are? Or is he out of town still?

C
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#7 ·
The above is the excuse list you have formulated. Husband gone all the time, only friend is this person or that person, left family behind, no time with husband, feeling guilty "but"....

Drop all excuses and shoot it straight with your husband.
 
#8 ·
Did you use protection? This guy is already one baby's daddy. If you aren't using protection, he'll be your baby's daddy too.

You are putting your husband at risk by having sex with someone else. If for any other reason, you should come clean because of this.

So you married at 19 then? Way too young, Honey. If I am you, I let my husband know and then start over. You are so young. Tons of time to make some mistakes and then get married instead of the other way around.
 
#11 · (Edited)
I was at a girl friend's house just sleeping the night because I just didn't want to be home alone. Her baby's father was staying there and things just happened and we had sex. (My girl friend knew). After that I felt extreamly guilty and I really hated myself and I went back and forth if I should tell him. My husband got back and I decided I should keep it a secret and I told my girl friend how I felt and she understood but didn't at the same time.

So I was back at my friends house, and we had sex again. and again. Now we had sex 6 times and now it's kind of behind my friends back. And I'm just like why do I keep on doing this to myself?
Oy. This is dirty. I am not going to sugarcoat my response to you just to make you feel better (the truth hurts).

Youneed to stop doing this. Not only are you cheating on your husband, you are cheating with your girlfriend's baby daddy/boyfriend. In her own home! That is the ultimate worst situation ever. So incredibly dirty. It's wrong every way you slice it.

Until YOU change something, nothing is going to change.

I'm curious as to how the girlfriend let you back in her house after she knew her guy had sex with you there? Or are you meeting up with him behind her back?

Youa re right to be worried about what will happen when yur family finds out. Also, you mentioned feeling worried about this cause you think your husband will make you leave the home. Well, tough luck, dear. You play the game, you have to pay. This was a choice that YOU made and continue to make.

In your case, I would definitely recommend telling your husband. Because the friend knows and she is very liable to tell him herself... "Your wife has been sleeping with my boyfriend." The truth always reveals itself.

Get tested for STDs and stop being such a crappy friend to your girlfriend and stop sleeping with this other guy and betraying your husband. Choices.

You got married way too young. I don't think you are ready for marriage at all and never were. Stay single for a long long time. Because if you continue down this path, you will destroy every single relationship you ever have in your life.



 
#14 ·
I do want to tell my husband. I hate always thinking about it, and I'm always trying to think of ways to tell him. And I do feel guilty. I know I sound cold, but the but comes in cause I feel guilty, but...I feel guilty for not feel guilty enough.

He knows I'm at my friend's house. I will stay there overnight even though I know I shouldn't. Like since he has gotten back, we haven't been the same. Not because of the cheating because I don't think he has the slightest idea. We don't really argue, we just completely ignore each other. When he was out of town, I only done it once, I've done it again five more times since he has been back.

Pit: TBH you are 100 percent right. I know I'm wrong. I joined this board and posted this topic because I wanted to people to be like, oh I'm doing the same thing, we should really stop. I have two thought processes..
1. I love my husband, he is my life. How could I do this? I want him to be the father of my babies. I want him to be my forever.
2. I like the attention that the OM is giving me.

Okay. I'm going to tell you the full story about the girl friend situation.

I was at her house and she lives with her young daughter and her ex boyfriend (not the baby daddy). The baby daddy/OM just stays there from time to time. We were all in the living room just chatting up and we started talking about how it would be if me and her messed around. Don't really know how it started after that, but it did..then it turned into a threesome between us. I know it's hard to say it just happened but it really just did.

The second time happened because I felt lonely, but husband was back but wasn't interested in having sex cause he was always tired from working, etc. I went over there, and had sex with him again while this time my friend watched. She pretty much said she didn't care as long as she was there or knew about it. But I know for a fact if she knew I did it without her knowing she would be beyond pissed. But if she went somewhere and me and the OM would still be there, we would just mess around.

I agree I should wait to get pregnant until I am out with my husband and confident nothing is going to happen again. But I don't know if you all are saying I should never have kids, or I wouldn't make a good mom. Because I think just because of this wouldn't make me a terrible mother. I have always wanted to be a mother since I was a teenager, at least I knew I had to wait then.
 
#15 ·
why r u writing here what r u waiting to hear from us oh damn it u did it with OM 6 times % with ur husband in town and 1 time ur OM kid mother watching I can't believe how crazy some people can be

your husband doesn't deserve this if u don't want to tell him then leave him and let me tell u honestly u r really not a good at all as u see u still think of yourself as one :mad:
 
#17 ·
So, you slept with the guy and you felt incredibly guilty and ashamed....but, you've slept with him 6 more times......making sure you REALLY felt guilty?

Well, I can only assume that you didn't use protection. Therefore, you should tell your husband. He's going to find out one way or another. What happens when you and your friend have a falling out, or she discovers that you've been screwing the guy she has a child with over and over......

You know the saying, Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned? She might drop dime on you. Then what? If your husband finds out through other channels other than you! Man, watch out!
 
#18 ·
Judgment free response - your actions indicate you aren't ready to be married or have children. There's nothing wrong with that. You can love children and know you want to have them. You can love your husband and want to be with him. If you can't stay faithful to your husband, he will eventually find out, and you'll wind up with a broken marriage. If you add kids into that and no job, that will be worse.

Maybe counseling to help you understand what you're getting out of sex with OM could be a good first step.
 
#21 ·
What does me getting a job have anything to do with this? We aren't financially unstable. The bills get paid plus some. I was going to get a job, and my husband is the one that doesn't want me to work.

As far as me getting pregnant with the OM, I'm on the birth control. I admit, no protection but he never, well did his thing inside me.
 
#25 ·
I'm not telling you not to have kids because I think you'll be a bad mother, but because it's unfair to everyone to bring kids into a marriage that's on the brink of ending. First of all, having kids rarely reduces the stress in a marriage. And secondly, when the marriage does break up, you now are tied together for the next 18 years regardless of how much you end up hating each other.

As far as the job thing goes... I'm thinking you have too much time on your hands, and not enough to occupy yourself. The "Idle hands..." comment is reference to the quote "Idle hands are the Devil's tools". I realize that your husband prefers you not to be working, but he'd probably prefer you to be working rather than screwing your friend's "baby father".

And to be honest, when your marriage breaks up, you'll likely have to find a job pretty quick anyway. So you might as well get a jump start on it.

If you're "cheating" on your friend now as well as your husband, and she knows that you're cheating on your husband, your risk just went WAY up.

C
 
#22 ·
Everyone is saying don't have a child until your relationships are stable - and let me add a voice to that chorus.

So - don't take this the wrong way - but what kind of people are you hanging out with? It seems like you all have a lot of growing up to do - at least in terms of what committed, adult, relationships are supposed to be about. You had sex with another man because your H was in town and didn't feel like having sex with you - really?? Is there no self restraint in you??

You've already had an affair, you know that, it's too late to take it back. So what you do now is what defines you. I was the cheater, wings of love was the cheater, and there's at least one if not more additional posters that were also. We're not judging you we're just telling you like it is. "Feeling guilty for not feeling guilty enough" is irrelevant. You should feel guilty but it's not the most important thing you should be feeling. You should be feeling remorseful; feeling like you want to end your affair, refocus on your marriage, and do anything and everything possible to save your marriage and rebuild your husband because you recognize what you have done and what you may lose. Remorse is different than guilt.

If you want to save your marriage then you have very little choice but to tell your husband. Too many other people know and sooner or later someone is going to tell him. Bad news is not like wine, it does not get better with age so the sooner you tell him the better. I have no idea if the two you will manage to reconcile or not, it's very hard work. But, I do know that if he finds out from someone else the odds of your marriage surviving go way down.

If you do tell him, do this. Tell him the whole truth the very first time. All of it. No matter how much it hurts him or embarrasses you. If you are truly remorseful you will recognize that the only thing that hurts worse than being betrayed is being lied to about it. If you tell him only a part of the truth or a watered down version of the truth you will still be lying to him. Go find wings of love's post and read her story.
 
#23 ·
Your thread title says "I feel guilty BUT..."

But then there is nothing after that BUT.

Very telling.

Re: the job... get one. Because it's very likely when your husband finds out, you will be on your own. Never rely on anyone financially. Cause you never know what life is going to throw at you.

DO get tested for STDs. BC only protects against pregnancy and even then it's not 100%. It does NOT protect against STDs. You said you've had sex with this guy several times without protection (and the girlfriend).

Do check yourself. Do not sleep with your husband until you have the results back as an all-clear. If you are not "all clear" you need to tell husband, the girlfriend, and the OM.

As for telling hubby. Do it fast. Rip it off like a bandaid:

"Hubby, I have to tell you something. I slept with OM's Name. I am not proud of this and feel very guilty but I feel you deserve to know the truth."

See. Fast. Do not DENY anything when he starts asking questions and get it all out in the open. If you lie after the fact about anything, it will be 100x worse. If he finds out from someone other than you, it will be 1000x worse. Promise.



 
#27 ·
And +1 with what JB said about getting tested... It sounds like you're having sex with a number of young people with loose morals. And in effect, you're then having sex with all the people they're having sex with. Your odds of catching something are NOT insignificant. And just imagine if your conversation with your husband has to start with something like "Honey, you need to go in for an STD test...". If you were concerned about telling him that you're having an affair, wait till you have to tell him that he's got some sort of disease because of it.

C
 
#30 ·
Mary, you must stop going over to your 'friend's home and get yourself tested for STDs NOW!. You have no idea if the OM (other man or ex-boyfriend of your friend) has contracted an STD from another person. If he has, he might have already infected you without you even knowing it. Your husband may discover your betrayal if he gets infected after having sex with you.
 
#32 ·
minor thread jack
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Sorry Jelly my avi scared the willies out of you. I was in a wicked evil kind of mood. I hope the new avi doesn't make you air sick - if it does, let me know.

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end of thread jack.


Mary,

Follow Jelly's advice. This lady knows her stuff.
 
#33 ·
The way things keep going I think you are going to become a mother, and your husband will have a huge surprise... Keep messing around with someone else and your chances of becoming pregnant are doubled.

If you really cared, you wouldn't have done any of this. You don't care, don't lie. Tell your H the truth and let him decide what he wants. If he does decide to stay with you, I bet you won't see this guy anymore.

If you care about your M stop hanging out with your friend and her X, she apparently isn't a very good friend and she cares about your relationship with your H about as much as you do.

Stop lying to your H, stop lying to yourself, just stop lying!

I'm sorry this just hits home because I am in the military and I'm so sick of hearing and dealing with sh!t like this. This is not acceptable, you do not support your H while he does nothing but support you. You are selfish! Marriage is about give and take, not take and take some more.

You don't want your family to know?! Well that sucks because they have the right to know what the h3ll you have been doing. You apparently can't stop yourself from doing this shaddy behavior, so let everyone know, they will put a stop to it I bet.

Grow up! If you want to ruin your own life have at it, but stop ruining your H's for your own selfishness, own up to your actions and pay the price. You're an adult, you knew the consequences and yet you still did it mutiple times. Now it's time to own up to your actions and face the consequences. If you want to have a future with your H, you had better tell him, I promise you it's a lot worse if he finds out on his own.

You had better hope your husband loves you A LOT more than you love him. Tell him everything and ask to go to MC, and I guess all you can do is pray that he will want to stay with you.
 
#35 ·
I just told him. I am insane right now. Like I don't know why I am not crying cause my emotions are going insane.

He came home from work. I pretty much told him right off the bat, he walked away to the bedroom and he asked how many times. I told him, and he just took off. I think he is going to their house. I don't know.

Thanks for the responses. I really do appreciate it. I love him and that's why I told him, cause right now it is about him, not me. Thanks for making me realize that so quick.
 
#40 ·
Just breath deep, you did the right thing. Commit to full no contact with the OM and pretty much everyone who stays at that house - they are all enemies of your marriage. Give him complete transparency into your life. Give him all your passwords, access to your phone. Since he's gone for long stretches get a GPS tracker put in your car that he can check online. Whatever he needs to begin to restore his peace of mind and trust in you. Answer all of his questions honestly, willingly and gladly - no matter how many times you've answered the same question before. DO NOT LIE TO HIM AGAIN, if he catches you in any lie it will set him back hugely. Don't even lie to him about if you forgot to mail a bill - nothing - ever again. Be patient. His world just got stood on end. It will take him a while to process it. Take full ownership of what you've done, don't defect blame anywhere but on you - you did it - own it. If he wants you to tell your family, stand up and do it. Your committed now, so stand up and take all the consequences. The more you embrace the prices you have to pay ultimately the less they will be.

Good Luck. I've been there - hang in there.
 
#38 ·
first off....good for you for telling him, he had a right to know.

second...call friend and tell her to get out of the house!! She and her child doesn't need to be there. and if the d-bag is there, have her tell him it would be in his best interest for him not to be there either.

This will force him to home home and deal with you, and hopefully you can reason with him.

DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES! It happened, you're sorry, you don't know why you did it, but you'll do anything to try and make it better. ANYTHING else, and you're just putting the blame on him. Be honest and open. If he asks you a question answer with the truth. Keep us posted.

By the way, you're in shock and the true weight of what you did hasn't hit home yet. That's why you're not crying. Chances are you are pretty numb to everything.
 
#39 ·
You want to tell your H so thast good.

Own this sh~t and do not say one word about this being his fault.

You better me straight up and tell him you were weak and like the attention and the it was just sex.

No matter how much you don't want to hut him answer everyone of his question with honest.

So he will want to why,,again don't blame him tell him and don't tell him it just happened, or you don't know. Be honest.

He will want to no who, tell him

He will want to know were, "thank god you never used the marital bed....right?

The point to all this is to get the monkey off your back and let him know exactly what he's dealing with. Everything need to be out on the table or this will continue to eat at you so no matter how pain full if he want details tell him.

All of this honest information needs to be on the table so the both of you can learn from and prevent it from happening again. The more open you are the more you will learn about who you realy are. I guess what I'm saying is being honest with your self is a healthy step in healing. A direction you need to start heading in .....a mother that a child can be proud when the time comes.

I hope that you will learn something from this by being a women that has learned from the consequences of this bad behavior, in order to learn you must take the healthy, yes painful step in find out what you are made of as you grow.

Hoping later in life you look back at this and see the long term empty feel you had for a short simple pleasure that only lasted a night.
 
#41 ·
Own this sh~t and do not say one word about this being his fault.

You better me straight up and tell him you were weak and like the attention and the it was just sex.

No matter how much you don't want to hut him answer everyone of his question with honest.
:iagree:

Answer and all questions he has.

DO NOT LIE TO HIM ABOUT ANYTHING. Own what you did 100%. Be ready because things are going to get crazy. But you did the right thing by telling him so I commend you for it.

Delete all of their phone #s, emails and Facebooks from your contacts. Block them completely. Do this before he gets back so you can tell himyou have already taken that initiative.

What did you say to him???



 
#42 ·
Assuming he comes back home and is not in prison already, tell him harming that POS won't do any good. He'll just end up in jail. Well, on second thought, that probably would just sound like you are trying to protect the POS (piece of sh__). Anyway, I hope his head cools before he finds that man.
 
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