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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-06-2011, 02:34 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

Oh, I'm sure there is a chance you'll be a good mother. But not with all of this drama you are adding to your life.

Dating another guy is never great for a marriage.
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Old 09-06-2011, 02:36 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

So, you slept with the guy and you felt incredibly guilty and ashamed....but, you've slept with him 6 more times......making sure you REALLY felt guilty?

Well, I can only assume that you didn't use protection. Therefore, you should tell your husband. He's going to find out one way or another. What happens when you and your friend have a falling out, or she discovers that you've been screwing the guy she has a child with over and over......

You know the saying, Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned? She might drop dime on you. Then what? If your husband finds out through other channels other than you! Man, watch out!
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Old 09-06-2011, 02:36 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

Judgment free response - your actions indicate you aren't ready to be married or have children. There's nothing wrong with that. You can love children and know you want to have them. You can love your husband and want to be with him. If you can't stay faithful to your husband, he will eventually find out, and you'll wind up with a broken marriage. If you add kids into that and no job, that will be worse.

Maybe counseling to help you understand what you're getting out of sex with OM could be a good first step.
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Old 09-06-2011, 02:39 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

Quote:
Originally Posted by loveiswhereiamnot View Post
Judgment free response - your actions indicate you aren't ready to be married or have children. There's nothing wrong with that. You can love children and know you want to have them. You can love your husband and want to be with him. If you can't stay faithful to your husband, he will eventually find out, and you'll wind up with a broken marriage. If you add kids into that and no job, that will be worse.

Maybe counseling to help you understand what you're getting out of sex with OM could be a good first step.
She could get pregnant with OM!! What a saga this is.
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Old 09-06-2011, 02:45 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

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I do want to tell my husband. I hate always thinking about it, and I'm always trying to think of ways to tell him. And I do feel guilty. I know I sound cold, but the but comes in cause I feel guilty, but...I feel guilty for not feel guilty enough.

He knows I'm at my friend's house. I will stay there overnight even though I know I shouldn't. Like since he has gotten back, we haven't been the same. Not because of the cheating because I don't think he has the slightest idea. We don't really argue, we just completely ignore each other. When he was out of town, I only done it once, I've done it again five more times since he has been back.

The baby daddy/OM just stays there from time to time. We were all in the living room just chatting up and we started talking about how it would be if me and her messed around. Don't really know how it started after that, but it did..then it turned into a threesome between us. I know it's hard to say it just happened but it really just did.

The second time happened because I felt lonely, but husband was back but wasn't interested in having sex cause he was always tired from working, etc. I went over there, and had sex with him again while this time my friend watched. She pretty much said she didn't care as long as she was there or knew about it. But I know for a fact if she knew I did it without her knowing she would be beyond pissed. But if she went somewhere and me and the OM would still be there, we would just mess around.


Oh my. Tell your husband. Today. Seriously. You must. This is so wrong on so many levels. At least respect him enough to let him know what is going on behind his back, under his nose, and at the friend's house.

You SAY the cheating has nothing to do with your marriage's lull but that is BS. It has everything to do with it. The more you sleep wtih OM, the more disconnected you will become from your marriage. That is a fact.

Being a mother shoudn't even be on your radar right now. You need to get some help for youself to find out why you're ok with doing this to so many people. bringing a child into this situation is beyond selfish.
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Old 09-06-2011, 02:46 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

What does me getting a job have anything to do with this? We aren't financially unstable. The bills get paid plus some. I was going to get a job, and my husband is the one that doesn't want me to work.

As far as me getting pregnant with the OM, I'm on the birth control. I admit, no protection but he never, well did his thing inside me.
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Old 09-06-2011, 02:48 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

Everyone is saying don't have a child until your relationships are stable - and let me add a voice to that chorus.

So - don't take this the wrong way - but what kind of people are you hanging out with? It seems like you all have a lot of growing up to do - at least in terms of what committed, adult, relationships are supposed to be about. You had sex with another man because your H was in town and didn't feel like having sex with you - really?? Is there no self restraint in you??

You've already had an affair, you know that, it's too late to take it back. So what you do now is what defines you. I was the cheater, wings of love was the cheater, and there's at least one if not more additional posters that were also. We're not judging you we're just telling you like it is. "Feeling guilty for not feeling guilty enough" is irrelevant. You should feel guilty but it's not the most important thing you should be feeling. You should be feeling remorseful; feeling like you want to end your affair, refocus on your marriage, and do anything and everything possible to save your marriage and rebuild your husband because you recognize what you have done and what you may lose. Remorse is different than guilt.

If you want to save your marriage then you have very little choice but to tell your husband. Too many other people know and sooner or later someone is going to tell him. Bad news is not like wine, it does not get better with age so the sooner you tell him the better. I have no idea if the two you will manage to reconcile or not, it's very hard work. But, I do know that if he finds out from someone else the odds of your marriage surviving go way down.

If you do tell him, do this. Tell him the whole truth the very first time. All of it. No matter how much it hurts him or embarrasses you. If you are truly remorseful you will recognize that the only thing that hurts worse than being betrayed is being lied to about it. If you tell him only a part of the truth or a watered down version of the truth you will still be lying to him. Go find wings of love's post and read her story.
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Old 09-06-2011, 02:54 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

Your thread title says "I feel guilty BUT..."

But then there is nothing after that BUT.

Very telling.

Re: the job... get one. Because it's very likely when your husband finds out, you will be on your own. Never rely on anyone financially. Cause you never know what life is going to throw at you.

DO get tested for STDs. BC only protects against pregnancy and even then it's not 100%. It does NOT protect against STDs. You said you've had sex with this guy several times without protection (and the girlfriend).

Do check yourself. Do not sleep with your husband until you have the results back as an all-clear. If you are not "all clear" you need to tell husband, the girlfriend, and the OM.

As for telling hubby. Do it fast. Rip it off like a bandaid:

"Hubby, I have to tell you something. I slept with OM's Name. I am not proud of this and feel very guilty but I feel you deserve to know the truth."

See. Fast. Do not DENY anything when he starts asking questions and get it all out in the open. If you lie after the fact about anything, it will be 100x worse. If he finds out from someone other than you, it will be 1000x worse. Promise.
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Old 09-06-2011, 02:57 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

Quote:
Originally Posted by jellybeans View Post
you say the cheating has nothing to do with your marriage's lull but that is bs. It has everything to do with it. The more you sleep wtih om, the more disconnected you will become from your marriage. That is a fact.
quoted for truth^^^^^
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Old 09-06-2011, 02:58 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

Quote:
Originally Posted by _mary View Post
What does me getting a job have anything to do with this? We aren't financially unstable. The bills get paid plus some. I was going to get a job, and my husband is the one that doesn't want me to work.

As far as me getting pregnant with the OM, I'm on the birth control. I admit, no protection but he never, well did his thing inside me.
I'm not telling you not to have kids because I think you'll be a bad mother, but because it's unfair to everyone to bring kids into a marriage that's on the brink of ending. First of all, having kids rarely reduces the stress in a marriage. And secondly, when the marriage does break up, you now are tied together for the next 18 years regardless of how much you end up hating each other.

As far as the job thing goes... I'm thinking you have too much time on your hands, and not enough to occupy yourself. The "Idle hands..." comment is reference to the quote "Idle hands are the Devil's tools". I realize that your husband prefers you not to be working, but he'd probably prefer you to be working rather than screwing your friend's "baby father".

And to be honest, when your marriage breaks up, you'll likely have to find a job pretty quick anyway. So you might as well get a jump start on it.

If you're "cheating" on your friend now as well as your husband, and she knows that you're cheating on your husband, your risk just went WAY up.

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Old 09-06-2011, 03:01 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

Quote:
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As far as me getting pregnant with the OM, I'm on the birth control. I admit, no protection but he never, well did his thing inside me.
Do you know what STDs are? Do you know what Aids is? Are you 100% sure the OM is clean? If he's sleeping with you a married woman what makes you think he's not sleeping with others.

He never came inside of you but diseases doesn't need him to cum for you to get them. Very selfish of you IMO, and please don't have kids YOU ARE NOT READY AT ALL.

Like someone says maybe one day you will be a great mom, but you will not be one right now. Or maybe your husband and the OM are just sperm donors for you since all you really care about is wanting to have children.

That seems to be your major focus in life, I want to have kids and be a mom. Not I want my husband and I to have kids and be a great family. You're probably gonna get mad because you're still too young and immature but you're still a kid who has no idea what she really wants aside from the fact that you want to have kids no matter what.

So being a great mom is showing your kid that you can have sex with another man that is not your husband? Being a great mom is sleeping over at other peoples houses and not coming back home at all until the next day? Being a great mom is saying you love someone but don't really feel guilty that you cheated on them. If that's the case then you're mom of the year material.

Sorry to be harsh but being a cheater myself I give little to no slack to cheaters at all who show no remorse for what they do. I came to this site to see how much I have hurt my wife, to try and see the pain I have caused her and how much she had to put up with.

Maybe you should think about why you're really here.
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Old 09-06-2011, 03:02 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

And +1 with what JB said about getting tested... It sounds like you're having sex with a number of young people with loose morals. And in effect, you're then having sex with all the people they're having sex with. Your odds of catching something are NOT insignificant. And just imagine if your conversation with your husband has to start with something like "Honey, you need to go in for an STD test...". If you were concerned about telling him that you're having an affair, wait till you have to tell him that he's got some sort of disease because of it.

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Old 09-06-2011, 03:05 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Sooooo much I want to say, but will wait til the jumble of responses in my head crystalizes.

Except....

Quote:
Originally Posted by _mary View Post
What does me getting a job have anything to do with this? We aren't financially unstable. The bills get paid plus some. I was going to get a job, and my husband is the one that doesn't want me to work.
As Jellybeans said, you may have no choice but to get a job once you come clean to your husband. You may be supporting yourself as a single.

Also, it gives you something with which to occupy your mind and time, rather than having 24/7 to bellyache about how "bored" you are, so you decide to hop back in the sack with OM.
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Old 09-06-2011, 03:12 PM   #29 (permalink)
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I realize that your husband prefers you not to be working, but he'd probably prefer you to be working rather than screwing your friend's "baby father".

If you're "cheating" on your friend now as well as your husband, and she knows that you're cheating on your husband, your risk just went WAY up.
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Old 09-06-2011, 03:14 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

Mary, you must stop going over to your 'friend's home and get yourself tested for STDs NOW!. You have no idea if the OM (other man or ex-boyfriend of your friend) has contracted an STD from another person. If he has, he might have already infected you without you even knowing it. Your husband may discover your betrayal if he gets infected after having sex with you.
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