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i feel guilty but..

60K views 279 replies 53 participants last post by  Decorum 
#1 ·
I was googled "I cheated on my husband' to find someone to talk to because I don't have anyone to talk to and I found this board. I was hoping maybe I could find advice/help or maybe someone like me.

I haven't been married long. (2 years in November) And we are both young. (Both 21) I love him with everything I have. I don't want anything to happen between us and so on and so on. We've been through everything together. He is my support system, and we've gone through a miscarriage together..(about 2 years ago)

My dad got sick and he lives on the other side of the country so I flew out there for like 3 weeks to help him. Before I got back, my husband had to leave for 4 weeks for the army. So we haven't seen each other for a while.

I was at a girl friend's house just sleeping the night because I just didn't want to be home alone. Her baby's father was staying there and things just happened and we had sex. (My girl friend knew). After that I felt extreamly guilty and I really hated myself and I went back and forth if I should tell him. My husband got back and I decided I should keep it a secret and I told my girl friend how I felt and she understood but didn't at the same time.

I know this sounds soooo selfish but my husband works all the time and I just get bored and I just wish we had more time together. Like we won't need the money but then he volunteers to work on his days off. Then like he'll get a day off then he has to go to drill for the army.

So I was back at my friends house, and we had sex again. and again. Now we had sex 6 times and now it's kind of behind my friends back. And I'm just like why do I keep on doing this to myself?

We also moved away from all our family and friends. So I've tried to be like, I'm just not going over there anymore. But I am in this town by myself and she is seriously my only friend..and with her comes him. And with him is temptation that I can't resist.
 
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#78 · (Edited)
Yes, I told him it was unprotected. I really did tell him everything.

I'm on the waiting list for my doctor. As soon as a spot opens, they said they would call. If not, my appointment is at the end of this month. <<Also the same time, that I should start my fertility medicine>>

I do know it's about my H. I am upset I did this to him. But I am also upset I did this to me too. Like why did I do this to our marriage.

Even though I just only told him yesterday. I am glad I told him. I already showed what kind of person I am for cheating on him. Like someone said earlier..it's time to prove what kind of person I am.

EDIT: I will write and NC letter. And I'll let my husband read it, and ask him what he wants me to do with it.
 
#79 ·
I do know it's about my H. I am upset I did this to him. But I am also upset I did this to me too. Like why did I do this to our marriage.
IMO this is a good thing. I think it indicates genuine remorse and real acceptance of what you've done. You will carry the scars from this for the rest of your life and you are processing that you have hurt yourself as well as your H and your marriage.

It's too early just yet but you need to work on figuring out what made you susceptible to having an affair. When I first came to this site I didn't believe there was any deeper reason, that I had just made a very bad decision. Through a lot of soul searching and help from the people here I have come to understand that there was much more to it than that.

Also, listen to EVERYONE posting here, even the people being overtly hard on you. While not everyone's words may apply directly to you, they will help you to understand what your H is going through and keep some perspective on how his side of this can look.
 
#80 ·
Okay, here's the deal.

If you have any chance to save this marriage, you have to be 100% transparent and he must feel how remorseful you really are.

If you tell him that you love him and didn't mean to hurt him and will do anything to try and save the marriage...the only thing he's hearing right now is, "blah,blah,blah...." He doesn't believe a word of what you're saying. He doesn't trust you right now and your word means nothing to him.SO, what do you need to do? ACTION.

Actions speaks louder than words. You need to have him see that you've cut all ties with GF and her man. You need to give him all your passwords to all your e-mail accounts, Facebook account and passcode to your phone and he's invited to check them out anytime he feels the need. Right now, you've lost all privledges to privacy. Get yourself into Individual Counseling to figure out why you did what you did. Then, after you start fixing yourself strongly recommend Marriage counseling. Start to read books on the matter, let him see you are being pro-active on trying to fix this. There are several books on the subject, check them out.

I would recommend an immediate doctors appointment to get checked out and get a clean bill of health. I speculate that you two are going to start to have a lot of sex. This is call hysterical bonding and the sex may be started by him a lot. Don't think that being intimate with him a lot is fixing the problem. Hysterical bonding is sort of a subconscious primal act of him trying to reclaim what he see's as his (meaning you). So, don't read too much into it, because it is what it is.

Your husband is also going on a ride called the roller coaster of emotions. One minute, he'll say he loves you, the next minute he can't stand to look at you...that quickly; like a light switch. He'll be laughing one minute, then crying the next. Content one minute, then sad and withdrawn the next. Say's he loves you one minute and then lashes out and calls you mean and hurtful things the next. This is going to be hard for both of you. But, if you can weather the storm you can get through this. But remember, it will get tough. If you don't think you can handle the ride and be supportive and understanding even when he's at his worst, then you don't have much of a chance.

The marriage you once had is gone forever. You will never get back to what you first had when you got married. He will never fully trust you. Can you gain a level of trust back? Sure. But he will never FULLY trust you. But, if you're willing to put in the work, you two might have a chance of saving this.
 
#81 ·
Crossbar - I wholeheartedly agree with all of your above but your last paragraph makes it sound like the best she can hope for in her marriage is some sort of purgatory that she must suffer for the remainder of the marriage. While her H will never look at her in exactly the same way as before, it is possible for them to have a better marriage going forward. Is it hard to get, you bet, but it can be done. Mary's affair will always be a part of her, him and their marriage if it survives, but that doesn't mean that survive is the best their marriage can do.
 
#82 ·
I never said that she would be walking on eggshells for the rest of her life. I do agree, she can get a very good and healthy relationship back with her husband if she willing to put in the work. However, I still say that he'll never have that same level of trust back with her that he once had. Five years from now, they can be in a great spot, then for whatever reason, he triggers and he's back to checking out things to make sure everything is on the up and up. It's unfortunate, but it does happen. She just has to realize that it's a process that may or may not happen. But, don't get upset if it does.
 
#84 ·
Honey, not judging it happened, BUT, you went back for more. Sounds like you are falling out of love with your husband. Do you have feelings for the other guy or your friend? You need to do some serious soal searching and figure out what you want. You said sex at home sucks well, take your friend home for your husband. I'm kidding. You need to come clean. Your hard working husband deserves the truth.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#85 ·
Well he just called me (he is on break) and he told me he was debating on what he wanted to do. He also told me he regretted on wanting sex last night, that it just made him feel worse. So I really don't know how to feel right now. He asked if I told my mom, I said no cause I didn't know what he wanted me to do, and that I would if he wants me too.

He is the type of person who wouldn't want to go to any kind of counseling. I know it, without even asking him, but I'll bring it up but I am absolutely positive on what the answer is going to be.

EDIT: My H said I obviously have feelings for the OM since I did go back. In fact I went back 5 more times. I don't. I honestly have zero feelings for the OM. When my H asked why, I pretty much said for the attention. I didn't want to say I felt lonely because he wasn't giving me attention because I don't want him to think I blame him in anyway possible, cause I don't.
 
#89 ·
Well he just called me (he is on break) and he told me he was debating on what he wanted to do. He also told me he regretted on wanting sex last night, that it just made him feel worse. So I really don't know how to feel right now. He asked if I told my mom, I said no cause I didn't know what he wanted me to do, and that I would if he wants me too.

He is the type of person who wouldn't want to go to any kind of counseling. I know it, without even asking him, but I'll bring it up but I am absolutely positive on what the answer is going to be.
Mary - this is going to go on for a while - settle in and resolve yourself to support your H in whatever he needs. This is part of the price of cheating. It sucks, it's hard and you've got to pay it, you did earn it after all. If you think your feelings are a roller coaster right now imagine his. Focus on your remorse and your husband.
 
#88 ·
Even when there is no infidelity involved, blind trust is bad for any marriage because it is usually a sign of complacency and being in denial of any possible signs of threats to the marriage. The price of a happy and healthy marriage is constant vigilance.
 
#95 ·
The OM was just sex. There was no friendship there or anything. So I don't have a reason to talk to him again. But I agree, I think writing a letter to the GF would show that I really mean I am done with them. I am going to write it, and ask my H what he would like to do with it.

I am writing this letter to you to tell you that I want to end our friendship. Obviously when we are together I am not the person I should be. I am not blaming you for the stuff that I did with Bobby because the only person is to blame is me.

All the matters to me right now is Will and our marriage. For me to make my marriage survive, I have to end my negative relationship with you and Bobby.
^^That's what I got so far.
 
#100 ·
I would re-think that NC letter. Sounds like you're putting the blame on them. Remember, this is your fault, you made those choices to sleep with GF's man. They didn't hold a gun to your head.

You could say something along the llines of, I've made some aweful mistakes in my life that have hurt a lot of people, but most importantly, to my husband. I love him and I love my marriage to him. I must focus all my efforts into trying to fix my marriage and support my husband in every way possible. Therefore, I have to end all contact with you both so I can focus on what's truely important in my life.

or something along those lines
 
#101 ·
I am not a writer so it's hard to try to think of what I am thinking onto paper. I really like what you put because it is what I am thinking, so I am re-wording that. Thanks crossbar.

When he called earlier, he asked if I deleted her off my Facebook and I said no because I was going to wait till he got home so he could go through my facebook to see. He told me just to go ahead and delete them. I deleted/blocked the GF, OM, the GF's ex/roommate, and the GF's best friend. Even though she had nothing to do with it, I deleted her just in case she tried to talk to me for the GF.

I really debated deleting my FB. But I didn't even have anything on my FB, also I use FB to connect with our family more than I do to talk to people.

Also should I put in the letter that I've had sex with the OM behind her back also? Or will that just start drama.
 
#104 ·
Also should I put in the letter that I've had sex with the OM behind her back also? Or will that just start drama.
I believe you should tell her somehow. Apparently, she believes she has some sort of relationship with OM. She was willing to share him if she was involved, but didn't want you doing anything with him if she wasn't.

You could be subtle in telling her. "I made a huge mistake in having sex with _____ and _______. I made that mistake even more horrible by returning and having sex with _________ x more times." She would be able to put 2 and 2 together. "5 times, I was only there 2 times" or whatever.

Also, someone suggested something to the effect of "I have to stop any communication. . . " I would change that to "I choose to . . . "
 
#102 ·
Good job Mary. You are backing your words with actions and the more actions you take, the more your husband can see that you are serious about regaining his trust in you. You are on the road to becoming a healthy woman.
 
#105 ·
Quick thoughts....

You've done well so far. Im actually very suprised and impressed. Granted, that doesn't mean squat at this point. You've begun a journey. If you falter or misstep, your marriage and life as you know it are toast. There's a chance they are toast anyway. But, you have given yourself a chance. There is hope.

BURN THOSE BRIDGES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Burn them now, To the f*cking ground!

There can be NO BRIDGE for you to go back to that situation. It will be easy for you to try, you can and will find a reason. Make no mistake, your 'friend' and this OM will make it easy for you... it make appear like a soft place to land for a second when your husband goes through a 'valley' on the roller coaster you put him on. He will likely be very hurtful and very mad at some point. He may play the 'GTFO card, it's over!' That's his pain speaking... he has to get through these stages and you have to be there to help him... whatever he needs.

That being said, when you feel 'alone' 'abandoned' and 'scared' and you think that it's 'over' it's going to be WAY TO EASY for you to seek out or be weak to the urge for sex with the OM... Emotionally, you have some twisted wires in there. Maybe, you see sex as some sort of 'belonging' or 'affection' or it fills some emotional hole in you and you have ZERO impulse control. Your weak and your 'friend' and OM are predators. They want you down there with them, you better get this through your head... THEY ARE THE ENEMY. Enemy to your life, your marriage and your soul.

Also know, that when the dust settles a bit... you will want to go to him. There will be some 'withdrawl'. There will be feelings there, and in your comprimised weaked state it will be FAR to easy to find a reason you need to 'talk' to him, or something else... maybe convince yourself of something... some reason to still be friends... Whatever. You will find a reason to be close enough to that fire... something in you wants that.

BURN THAT FU*CKING BRIDGE. To the ground. Protect yourself from you. You are NOT STRONG enough to fight the temptation and the regret/remorse/shame shield making it easy to resist will only stay up so long...

What you do now will not only determine what happens in your marriage, it wil define who you are as a person. Forever. The stakes have never been higher. This is it, your test.

Your doing good so far.

Make yourself proud... keep focused.

'yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery, today is your gift. That is why it's called the present.'
 
#106 ·
Marry I was harsh on u om my last post and I'm still little but I can't deny u look sincere in this good luck

NC letters forms could be found online easily get one and modify it little and print it wait till ur husband come home show it to him and tell him u want his approval on this to be send to ur friend and the OM then give him all ur passwords for e-mail accounts , fb , cell phone just everything I think this will mean a lot for him

good luck
 
#108 ·
I don't think it was me trying to hold on to them longer, it really was me just waiting till he got home because I think when we block someone, the messages, taggs, etc. disappear and I wanted him to be able to go through it and see everything. So if he happened to go through my facebook, it didn't look like I was trying to delete messages and hide from him.

Thanks Pit, TBH, it was your post that made me realize I had to tell him asap. Because you said I was just looking for an excuse to feel okay with that I did and not own up to my actions. If I want to move on, I had to do with telling him and taking the advice of all the people posting here. So thank you. And thank you to everyone else.

I am writing all my passwords down now too.
 
#110 ·
I don't think it was me trying to hold on to them longer, it really was me just waiting till he got home because I think when we block someone, the messages, taggs, etc. disappear and I wanted him to be able to go through it and see everything. So if he happened to go through my facebook, it didn't look like I was trying to delete messages and hide from him.

.
Yeah, but you just told him you cheated on him. Do you really think he wants to see pictures of the guy you slept with? I would just have it done ahead of time.
 
#111 · (Edited)
Well I wrote the NC letter. Pretty much saying I don't blame her, I blame myself. And to save and move on with my marriage I have to end my friendship with her. I waited till my H got home and I showed him, I asked him if he wanted me to send it to her and he said yes. So I sent it. <The only problem is when you unblock a person, you can't do it again for another 48 hours.> So she responded.

Honestly i think that's pretty ****ed up that you would blame me for your mistake!? Throwing away our friendship isnt going to save your marriage. it was ****ed to begin with. i cant ****ing believe you right now...seriously?! that is one of the most shallow things ive ****in encountered in awhile. idk where you get off being such a ****in ***** but really if u wna kiss will's ass even tho i kno you dont ****in love him, then have fun living ur ****in solitary life bc its not going to get u anywhere but more ***in misery than u already have. & to think i even called to ****in check on u BEFORE I GOT THIS DAMN MESSAGE! u & will both know as well as i do this is not my fault. reguardless whether it happend n my house or not it was YOUR DISCISION & I SHLDNT HAV TO PAY FOR YOUR FAULTS. wtf ever ur so rediculous!
then
ohhhh ya & i fogot to add that if you run ur mouth about me about MY ****ING BIZ, now that we rnt talking, I WILL BEAT YOUR ****ING FACE IN! Seriously I'm so pissed at your right now, that I could do it for the hell of it. I can not believe u wld come here PRETENDING to b mine, Chris's, & EVERYONE ELSE'S friend n ****in soak up as much damn info about us as u cld then dip like the ****in stinky roast beef skank ass rotten onion dumpster SMELLIN ****in discusting ass SKANKY **** ***** YOU ARE!!!! **** YOU EAT A BOWL OF DIX N KICK ROX U WORTHLESS PIECE OF ****!!!! DEUCES
I did respond. My I swear this is my last time ever. And I responded.
I am not blaming you at all. The only person I blame is myself and I am sorry if I came across that I was blaming you. I do love will and I came clean about everything. I do want things to work through this and if staying away from you is what it takes to make a step for my marriage then I am going to take it. I am sorry about drama. And you don't gotta worry, i said before I was a trustworthy person and whatever you said to me confidentially will stay with me. I'm not that type of person. Again I am sorry for the drama but I really got to do what's best for will and I.


EDIT::

I'm not sure how my H was feeling yesterday. He asked me more questions and I answered all of them. He really wanted to go to my mom's house and I think he wanted me to tell her, but I couldn't do it. He didn't ask me too but I knew that is what he wanted. I told him I promise I would tell her, but I would like to wait till our emotions are a little calmed down. And he said okay.

He told me he wasn't going to leave me but that he thought about it. He said if it ever happened again he would leave. Of course. I'm just so afraid he is going to change his mind. I mean, he has every right. I know he deserves someone better than me. Someone who wouldn't hurt him the way I did, but that doesn't mean I want him to go. I love him so much and it just kills me inside everytime I think about it. I seriously hate myself for hurting him, putting myself in this situation. I am just lost.

I brought up MC, and he said no. I brought up just C for myself, and he said whatever I wanted to do, but he doesn't think I need it. I kept on telling him whatever he wanted me to do, I would. I also said that I wasn't expecting forgiveness right away and that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. I'm not expecting him to forget and to trust me right away. But that I want to work through it and show him that I am a W that he is proud of.
 
#112 ·
Mary

One important point here. If you find yourself in the position of having to keep one of your so called friends secrets or telling it to your husband. Tell him. Your #1 loyalty is to him above all other people. Making sure he see this through your actions is what he needs.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#114 ·
I think she meant just little stuff she told me. Like her past, etc. Not about the affair. And I don't think she is worried about my H, I think she is more worried that I'm going to start rumors in this small town of ours. But I'm not like that, so no worries there. But all and all, she is the last thought in my mind.

Yes, he already had my FB password. But I gave him my email passwords (even though it's just spam, but still)
 
#116 ·
Ahhh. I typed this whole message and I accidentally pushed the back button. /=

Yes. He saw her response, but he hasn't seen my response back to her yet.

I just sent it to the GF, because seriously there was no relationship there with the OM. It was just sex. And I am positive that she will pass the word on to him and others. For a person who is afraid I am going to spread rumors about her, I already got a message from one of her friends telling me it was wrong for me blaming the GF for sleeping with the OM. I messaged her back, saying it's no ones fault but my own. I apoligized for the drama.

And she is only doing this cause I said I didn't want to be friends anymore. But I don't know what she was expecting to happen after this?

I realize that my H is wayyy more important than her. And I will do ANYTHING to prove. So if staying away from her forever is what it takes, thats what I am going to do. My only thing is she said that she was paying for my faults. What is she paying? Will hasn't been back since he was looking for the OM when he first found out and I haven't done anything to her.
 
#118 · (Edited)
I told her, she either doesn't care or to mad about me wanting to have NC with her.

Oh, and I called a local daycare and just sent them my resume. And I'm going to put my resume in for headstart and a subsitute aide for my county.

Being home alone while I sit in my guilt is driving me insane. I never felt this awful in my life. And I know that sounds I am being a drama queen but I really feel that way. I am thankful I found this board that I have a way to talk about everything in my mind. Thanks everyone.
 
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