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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-06-2011, 05:30 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

mary by telling him you finally seem to have taken a step in the right direction. Now he knows he can make the informed decision for his own life that he is entitled to. If he chooses to end it or if he wants to work on it, both are his decision right now, you must respect either one. If he wants to reconcile the marriage, you have to decide if that is what you want and commit everything to it. You will have to bust your butt earning his trust back, but if he gives you the chance then know that he still has hope to make it work, so feed off that. Do like others are suggesting, no contact with these people you've had extra-marital sex with (the OM AND your GF) get a job to keep you occupied and contribute to the finances, if you want to be a mom someday having the extra money saved will be a huge benefit. If he doesn't want to reconcile, then that is perfectly respectable too, if you love him then you will respect his decision as much as it may hurt to lose him. Either way, since you have told him this truth you now have the opportunity to improve your relationship.
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Old 09-06-2011, 10:22 PM   #47 (permalink)
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Just checking on how things turned out. Are you O.K.?
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Old 09-07-2011, 12:09 AM   #48 (permalink)
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Mary, you have a great deal of growing up to do, I suspect you will soon be experiencing many things that will force that on you.

Mary, I am currently mentoring a young man (22) whose wife (21) of 3 years did something similar. Just sharing his thought process with you: 1. No longer sees het as the mother of his children, no longer day dreams of how they will look like - which features of hers they (he hoped) they will have.

2. None of his friends and co-workers his age are married, has it in his head to divorce at 23 if far different than 33 and 43......why stay with a cheater, why live with that doubt, concern, and fear for the rest of marriage, better to divorce and find a new love that has not betrayed him.

He is on the fence on staying with his wife, I am staying neutral on this one, just helping him work out his thought process.

I wonder Mary, did you so easily do this to force your husband to end your marriage. Did you knowingly or un-knowingly sabotage your marriage so that you could have a different life as you married so young.

God bless, good luck, and I pray you and your betrayed husband heal from this quickly.
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Old 09-07-2011, 12:52 AM   #49 (permalink)
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Mary,

Some of the comments may hurt but consider that it's like putting a powerful antiseptic on an infected wound. The pain from it may be unbearable but it shows the degree of the infection inside your soul.

Have you ever been the victim of childhood abuse or rape? I ask because my ex-wife was a victim of rape when she was a teenager by a close cousin. Unfortunately she never dealt with it and carried it to our marriage - unbeknownst to me. It manifested itself later on in our marriage by her year long sexual affair with an OM (other man). You may be like her in which case I would recommend that you immediately try to get into individual counseling to help you confront the demons from your past which have caused you to act in such a self destructive fashion and exorcise them forever.
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Old 09-07-2011, 06:10 AM   #50 (permalink)
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mary,

how do you feel if you have a great father and then your mother cheated on him.
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:04 AM   #51 (permalink)
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Well here is the update. I just sat and read everyone's post so thanks for all the responces, and I'll try to answer them.

When he got home from work he just sat on the couch next to me. I told him I loved him and that I had something serious to talk about. And I just blurted at, "I had sex with OM" At first he just laughed, and said okay. But then I told him I was being serious and that I was truly sorry. He walked away to the bedroom, I stayed behind at first cause I didn't know if I should let him be alone or what. But then I went back and he asked how many times. At first I said a couple. He wanted an exact number and I told him. And he just left and took off in his car.

Ten minutes later my GF called me asking me what was going on. I was crying by then, and she told me H walked in asked where the OM was and luckily that he wasn't there. So he left and I guess he just drove around for a little while cause he didn't come back for like 20 minutes later.

This moment was probably the hardest to see in my life. Watching my husband cry. I'm crying now just thinking about it cause it hurt so much, and I really didn't mean to hurt him and I really do love him, even though it doesn't seem like I do. He asked me more questions and I did answer them all honestly. He brought up divorce, which I said I didn't want and that I would do anything to get ourselves through this. I told him I blame myself 100 percent and I begged him not to blame himself because he has been perfect and I am the one who messed up, not him.

When night time came, I told him I would sleep in a different room but I really wanted to sleep together and I promised I wouldn't touch him. But when we got in bed, he let me cuddle him. And I pretty much just layed there and cried in his arms telling him how sorry I was. I know it may sound like I was putting on the waterworks, but it seriously was sincere.

We talked some more and he told me that he did love me, but it was just hard. He gave me hope that he was giving me a chance to prove myself. And I know it might have been a bad time, but I asked him if he wanted me to stop the medicine and not go to the doctors when it's time and he told me he still wanted me too. A little later he asked if we could have sex, and we did.

After that, I ended up crying still telling him that I loved him and I seriously just cried myself to sleep and it was just and awful night and I don't think he slept to well either. But we did cuddle all night long.

When I woke up, he already left for work. And he left me a note. "I do love you but idk how i could ever forgive you for what you've done. It hurts more than you can imagine. to be lied to and cheated on like this."

So I don't even really know where I stand at this point.
------------

I don't blame my past for what I've done. but I'll answer the questions. I lost my virginity at a very young age. (13) And I admit I wasn't ready. I wasn't rapped, but I didn't want it to happen. If that makes since at all. The guy was older, I'm guessing he was 18. After that I didn't have sex again until I was in college. And I tried to date around but that didn't really work. I dated this one guy, but he was verbally/physically abusive but we never had sex. I thought I was dating this one guy but realized I was just being used for sex.

Growing up I thought I had great parents. My parents divorced when I was around 9, 10. It was hard. Mainly because my dad kind of went crazy, something my mom says he always was. Now looking back, I see it. My dad would call me telling me I would need to get out of the house by a certain time at night because he would burn the house down and if I didn't, I would die. Or that he was going to kidnap me and take me to Canada. So that age, I was just afraid to do anything. I learned just a little later, that my dad was molesting my sister. He didn't do anything to me or my other sister. (I have 2 sisters, 1 brother. All same parents)


Now my dad lives on the other half of the country. Married and has a 5 year old son with her. Which I admit, kind of pisses me off. I don't forgive my dad for what he has done to my sister, but I went up there to help him when he got sick because of his son, not him. I don't know what's in my sisters mind, but it bothers me that I think she forgave him. She is married and has 2 sons and it just bothers the crap out of me that she hasn't told her husband at all. And they actually go out there and visit him all the time.
^Don't know why I'm telling you this, cause it is irrelevant.
-------------

I didn't cheat on him to ruin the marriage in any way. I completely admit, it was the attention and I just went with it. I did deep inside knew this would hurt my husband and I don't know why I ignored that thought cause I never ever wanted to hurt him. I do love him.
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:14 AM   #52 (permalink)
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So Mary what are you going to do next time when you get one of your opportunities to cheat?

How are you changing you life at this point ? What are you doing differently so you don't cheat again and again because though you say you feel bad. You have done it over and over. Which is not the behavior of someone who actually intends to be faithful
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:33 AM   #53 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by _mary View Post
Well here is the update. I just sat and read everyone's post so thanks for all the responces, and I'll try to answer them.

When he got home from work he just sat on the couch next to me. I told him I loved him and that I had something serious to talk about. And I just blurted at, "I had sex with OM" At first he just laughed, and said okay. But then I told him I was being serious and that I was truly sorry. He walked away to the bedroom, I stayed behind at first cause I didn't know if I should let him be alone or what. But then I went back and he asked how many times. At first I said a couple. He wanted an exact number and I told him. And he just left and took off in his car.

Ten minutes later my GF called me asking me what was going on. I was crying by then, and she told me H walked in asked where the OM was and luckily that he wasn't there. So he left and I guess he just drove around for a little while cause he didn't come back for like 20 minutes later.

This moment was probably the hardest to see in my life. Watching my husband cry. I'm crying now just thinking about it cause it hurt so much, and I really didn't mean to hurt him and I really do love him, even though it doesn't seem like I do. He asked me more questions and I did answer them all honestly. He brought up divorce, which I said I didn't want and that I would do anything to get ourselves through this. I told him I blame myself 100 percent and I begged him not to blame himself because he has been perfect and I am the one who messed up, not him.

When night time came, I told him I would sleep in a different room but I really wanted to sleep together and I promised I wouldn't touch him. But when we got in bed, he let me cuddle him. And I pretty much just layed there and cried in his arms telling him how sorry I was. I know it may sound like I was putting on the waterworks, but it seriously was sincere.

We talked some more and he told me that he did love me, but it was just hard. He gave me hope that he was giving me a chance to prove myself. And I know it might have been a bad time, but I asked him if he wanted me to stop the medicine and not go to the doctors when it's time and he told me he still wanted me too. A little later he asked if we could have sex, and we did.

After that, I ended up crying still telling him that I loved him and I seriously just cried myself to sleep and it was just and awful night and I don't think he slept to well either. But we did cuddle all night long.

When I woke up, he already left for work. And he left me a note. "I do love you but idk how i could ever forgive you for what you've done. It hurts more than you can imagine. to be lied to and cheated on like this."

So I don't even really know where I stand at this point.
------------

I don't blame my past for what I've done. but I'll answer the questions. I lost my virginity at a very young age. (13) And I admit I wasn't ready. I wasn't rapped, but I didn't want it to happen. If that makes since at all. The guy was older, I'm guessing he was 18. After that I didn't have sex again until I was in college. And I tried to date around but that didn't really work. I dated this one guy, but he was verbally/physically abusive but we never had sex. I thought I was dating this one guy but realized I was just being used for sex.

Growing up I thought I had great parents. My parents divorced when I was around 9, 10. It was hard. Mainly because my dad kind of went crazy, something my mom says he always was. Now looking back, I see it. My dad would call me telling me I would need to get out of the house by a certain time at night because he would burn the house down and if I didn't, I would die. Or that he was going to kidnap me and take me to Canada. So that age, I was just afraid to do anything. I learned just a little later, that my dad was molesting my sister. He didn't do anything to me or my other sister. (I have 2 sisters, 1 brother. All same parents)


Now my dad lives on the other half of the country. Married and has a 5 year old son with her. Which I admit, kind of pisses me off. I don't forgive my dad for what he has done to my sister, but I went up there to help him when he got sick because of his son, not him. I don't know what's in my sisters mind, but it bothers me that I think she forgave him. She is married and has 2 sons and it just bothers the crap out of me that she hasn't told her husband at all. And they actually go out there and visit him all the time.
^Don't know why I'm telling you this, cause it is irrelevant.
-------------

I didn't cheat on him to ruin the marriage in any way. I completely admit, it was the attention and I just went with it. I did deep inside knew this would hurt my husband and I don't know why I ignored that thought cause I never ever wanted to hurt him. I do love him.
so means that you need attention not your marriage, what an EXCUSE.

lucky you, he forgives, but i hope he will change his mind.
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:40 AM   #54 (permalink)
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I believe I can turn down temptation. Even though the GF is like my only friend in this town, I am willing to turn off all ties with her/everyone who lives/stays in the house.

I know no matter what I say it sounds like a lame excuse. I really am not trying to look for excuses because there is no excuse for what I do. I know it's all my fault. I don't even blame the OM, even though he really is the last thing in my mind. I really do want forgiveness.

And I told my H. That I don't expect him to forgive me today or anytime soon. But I want hope that he will eventually forgive me.
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:40 AM   #55 (permalink)
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lucky you, he forgives, but i hope he will change his mind.
And this comment to her is helpful how???

Mary--you did the right thing telling him what happened. The ball is completely in his court. As previously mentioned, cut off all communication with the GF and the OM completely.

If it's attention you seek--it may be you suffer from low self-esteem. You need to have a better sense of yourself so you don't go jumping from man to man in order to feel flattered. In the future, don't put yourself in these positions and don't cheat. It has devastating consequences. Unfortunately, you are now branded a cheater.

DO GET TESTED for STDs.
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:46 AM   #56 (permalink)
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_Mary

You did the right thing. I know you want to live an open and honest life. You have started that now. He will be angry for quite awhile. Hang in there, and be strong. Despite his lashing out, you need to continue to show your love for him.

Go to Marriage Builders and start reading. They have a great program for restoring marriages.

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Old 09-07-2011, 07:48 AM   #57 (permalink)
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Mary you need to take serious action to change if you really want your husband to take you back.

In the past you uterly failed not to cheat. You cheated repeatedly despite claimIng each time you didn't want it and wouldn't do it again

Yet do did cheat and with several people.

So I ask again what are you going to do differently.

For starters you should never talk to Anyone who you cheated with ever again you had a threesome with your so called friend didn't you? In fact thus friend seems to be a real piece of work. You know if you continue with her you will cheat again

So are you really honestly feeling guilty and remorseful? Are you actually willing to give up this toxic friend to save your marriage?

If you balk at any of that then you know your true feelings here.
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:53 AM   #58 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
And this comment to her is helpful how???

Mary--you did the right thing telling him what happened. The ball is completely in his court. As previously mentioned, cut off all communication with the GF and the OM completely.

If it's attention you seek--it may be you suffer from low self-esteem. You need to have a better sense of yourself so you don't go jumping from man to man in order to feel flattered. In the future, don't put yourself in these positions and don't cheat. It has devastating consequences. Unfortunately, you are now branded a cheater.

DO GET TESTED for STDs.
There certainly seems to be a run of quasi-abusive posters on here lately. This forum, as far as I understand, is for people to seek advice and guidance, not a target range for people to shoot an individual's "perceived" lack of a "Moral" Compass.

... Mary, You have taken a very large 1st step. You, and I would HOPE everyone else here, should realize there is a long road ahead to work through this. Before you can work through this, you need to work through WHY you did this and that may need some outside help.

Q~

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Old 09-07-2011, 07:54 AM   #59 (permalink)
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Jesus! Your joking right???! I am going to be honest with you because you are certainly not being honest with yourself! I am going to try and do this without insulting you , calling you names etc etc etc which all are valid. But, you need some help.
1. The lack of sex, opportunity, distance, your husband being away etc are all ingredients for infidelity anyway! if you have a high sex drive and you do.

Couple that with your young, insecure about your own stability and you've become an easy target for any man/predator!

2. BUY A Vibrator or whatever it takes to get yourself off , to remove any emotional feelings of temptation!
3. Don't tell your husband right now! Don't do it! If you know his temperment, rage level? Don't do it! Its the last distraction he needs while defending our country! The will be a time to tell him but don't you dare try to get pregnant and then tell him!
4. This lowlife friend of yours is no real friend, yeah I know you think so because its all you got! but she is a complete loser that is more than likely jealous of what you have, I believe she HATES YOU! Just food for thought. Get a new friend, join facebook, do something but break your ties with her quickly or at least ignore her.
5. Prepare for the worldwind effect! He will find out! Eventually! your friend will tell him or it will come out and because of your actions and your a repeat! offender! it will come out soon. Maybe 1 month or 2 at best. People can't hold their secrets for long. Tell your husband before that happens.
6. STOP Feeling guilty about something you wanted to do and enjoyed just because you had a sexual craving. I don't know if it works the same for women, but once a males needs are satisfied, the urge dies down and the drive to comment fooling actions diminishes greatly to the point that you can control yourself again.
7. Please do not reply to this with some long extended bs to continue in your defrauding behavior , instead, just own it! take control of it, grow up! If you don't want to be married and just screw anything or anyone then do that , buy you cannot have that type of a relationship in MARRIAGE! without some pretty heavy consequences! Trust me, you don't want to increase the level of crap comming your way. Just STOP! already.

And one more thing, I just have to ask: you quoted, then it turned into a threesome between us" She (your so called girlfriend) is forefilling some sick sexual fantasy she has been wanting for a long time or she is just preying on your vulnerbility. What a piece of work! She is more dangerous to you and your husband than you think?! It the high Art of Sexual Manipulation! It can be a hard thing to resist! especially if this happened again, and I bet it has.

Yet consider this? Your AIDS! VD, etc , if they are this loose with you? why not others?? Whats next? an Orgy? PORN Video, its as if she has already primed you for it? Hell, she probably recorded you already.

Look, I have a good idea of who you are, your young, pretty, yes lonely, but you can always go back to Mom and Dad and say I screwed up! Recover yourself and your life and stop putting it in harms way! Relieve him of the countless stories his buddies are going to have to say about him. *If you get anything out of this, get this, I care! along with alot of other people who have read your post, but if you don't really care? Then whats the point.

You are a victim of a sexual predator and now you are considering joining them to unfortunately keep up the cycle to hurt another beautiful girl like yourself or seduce some poor military slug that won't see it comming. None of this ends well. IF YOU KEEP GOING.

*Keep me posted, I am curious of how the next few weeks unfold for you.***
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:57 AM   #60 (permalink)
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This was the only time I cheated on my H..and with only one guy. I don't think that really matters I just wanted to correct you because I'm not that big of a hoe bag.

I am 100 percent ready to end my friendship with the GF.

I knew I always felt guilty but I kept on going back, so obviously I didn't feel guilty enough, right? I mean, I don't even know how to explain it. But I really do feel awful for hurting him and I never want to see him that way again. I don't believe I'm just saying this because he knows now, I really do feel bad.
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