Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

i feel guilty but..

60K views 279 replies 53 participants last post by  Decorum 
#1 ·
I was googled "I cheated on my husband' to find someone to talk to because I don't have anyone to talk to and I found this board. I was hoping maybe I could find advice/help or maybe someone like me.

I haven't been married long. (2 years in November) And we are both young. (Both 21) I love him with everything I have. I don't want anything to happen between us and so on and so on. We've been through everything together. He is my support system, and we've gone through a miscarriage together..(about 2 years ago)

My dad got sick and he lives on the other side of the country so I flew out there for like 3 weeks to help him. Before I got back, my husband had to leave for 4 weeks for the army. So we haven't seen each other for a while.

I was at a girl friend's house just sleeping the night because I just didn't want to be home alone. Her baby's father was staying there and things just happened and we had sex. (My girl friend knew). After that I felt extreamly guilty and I really hated myself and I went back and forth if I should tell him. My husband got back and I decided I should keep it a secret and I told my girl friend how I felt and she understood but didn't at the same time.

I know this sounds soooo selfish but my husband works all the time and I just get bored and I just wish we had more time together. Like we won't need the money but then he volunteers to work on his days off. Then like he'll get a day off then he has to go to drill for the army.

So I was back at my friends house, and we had sex again. and again. Now we had sex 6 times and now it's kind of behind my friends back. And I'm just like why do I keep on doing this to myself?

We also moved away from all our family and friends. So I've tried to be like, I'm just not going over there anymore. But I am in this town by myself and she is seriously my only friend..and with her comes him. And with him is temptation that I can't resist.
 
See less See more
#120 ·
Mary, I'd like to say that your 'friend' promoted your marital betrayal because she is envious of your marriage. Look at the facts, she's a single mother with no committed relationship with her baby's father and an ex-BF who sees her as nothing more than a fu*k buddy. Just what every woman wants to have, right? She is a miserable piece of trash who wanted you to fu*k up your marriage so it could end in divorce and find yourself just like her. Notice how she lashed out to you even though you clearly stated in your no contact message that you were not blaming her for your actions. She is pissed because she'll no longer have the opportunity to poison your life and your marriage.

Another interesting thing is how much a hypocrite she really is. She had no problems with you cheating behind your husband's back but whoa if you and her ex-BF were doing the same to her. She certainly has an interesting set of double standards, don't you think?

I hope this experience serves as a lesson to you about the importance of choosing wisely the people you consider to be your friends and to avoid women like her who pose to be a friend but are really an enemy in disguise.
 
#121 ·
Wow your ex-friend sounds like a peach of a person based on her response to you - IMO you're better off with a person of that caliber out of your life. You better make sure your H knows EVERYTHING, sounds to me like your exgf might try to mess your marriage up just out of spite. I'd also stop responding to anything I got from anyone (other than your H) regarding this, it will only feed the flames and keep the drama going longer. Put it on ignore and let it die. Focus on your husband and your marriage.

You've done good so far, the only substantive thing I would say you should have done differently is that if you knew your H wanted you to tell you mother you should have. You have to do whatever he needs and seeing you stand up and tell the other people you love and take accountability is a big thing. You need to tell your mom and IMO you need to do it in front of your H. I know that will be hard - I did it - but I think it will mean a lot to your H.

Keep it up - you're doing good!!
 
#122 ·
My hat is off to you Mary. You are doing everything right and showing true remorse. Excellent job. I am sure your husband has continued to ask why it happened if you felt so guilty afterwards each time?
How are you different today then you were back then? What have you now done to affair proof your marriage?

Are you worried that your husband may confront Bobbie physically down the line? I think to figure out what your husband needs is to ask yourself if the roles had been reversed, what would you be looking for to make yourself feel better?

I guarantee you that your husband is probably feeling if he was better in bed that you would not have strayed. This is absolutely crushing to to the self image and confidence to any male. It is now you job to show him that this was not case. Keep up the great work.
 
#123 ·
I would hate to talk trash about the GF because when it wasn't about sex, she was a good friend. I know it's hard to say, but I could talk to her and she was there for me. Well I thought she was. The whole sex thing was wrong, but I still don't hate her for it because I seriously don't blame her even if it was her idea and she was the one who initiated the whole thing with the OM to begin with. I'm the one who went along with it. I'm the one who gave into temptation. But I'm actually feel relieved and happy that our friendship is over, not because of the OM but just because she was jealous over my H...and at times, I had to come over to her house just because she said she missed me and she would get mad if I didn't come over. Even though that sounds crazy, but it was nice to feel wanted that much. Now, I feel stupid for liking the attention and I can't believe I didn't catch the weirdness of it all when it was happening.

No. I was worried the day I told my H about it all. He went over to the house to beat the crap out of Bobby. And I know this sounds awful but I wasn't worried that he was going to hurt Bobby, I was afraid Bobby was going to hurt my H. Bobby has been in and out of jail and told me many times that he isn't afraid to go back, and that actually he would like to go back because he had it easy in there. (Yeah, he is a keeper!) So I knew if Will got into a fight, he would have a stopping point, I'm not sure if Bobby would have that. I am so so thankful Bobby wasn't there.

I know this is a hypacrite thing to say, but if the roles were reversed. I would kick my H's butt and turn around and kick the girl's butt. My H has really surprised me with this whole situation that he is still with me, even if it has only been 2 days since I told him. I've always known he would be there for me, but I never thought it would be like this. I am thankful also for him. I don't know how I would survive without him.
 
#125 ·
The whole sex thing was wrong, but I still don't hate her for it because I seriously don't blame her even if it was her idea and she was the one who initiated the whole thing with the OM to begin with.

she was jealous over my H...and at times, I had to come over to her house just because she said she missed me and she would get mad if I didn't come over.
These are not the actions of a "good friend" under any circumstance. She is a toxic person bent on bringing other people down to her level of unhappiness.

My wife responded much like your H appears to be. Understand and appreciate how much love that requires of him. I owe my wife a debt I will never be able to repay for the way she treated me after D Day. I knew she loved me before, but I did not understand just how much until after my affair.
 
#124 · (Edited)
I don't necessarily think Mary's friend is jealous of her marriage. It sounds like she is hurt Mary cut the friendship off after willfully particpating in the threesome with GF and the OM and also sleeping with the OM behind saif friend's back. Now I'm not excusing the GF or saying she is a good person--but I don't think painting her as the evil mean psycho is the thing to do here. She is obviously hurt and maybe she is lashing out this way becaus she realizes how badly this whole ordeal went down/what the consequences of this are and maybe she is p!ssed off she found out Mary slept with her guy behind her back and does not know how to deal with it so she's spewing.

I would avoid her for now. She is obviously very hurt and acting out. If she asks you any questions about what happend with OM behind her back, definitely answer her. She deserves to know the truth, just as your husband does. There is a lot of betrayal here.

I am curious though-why do she (the GF) and her friends say "it's wrong of you to blame" her for cheating. Why are they saying that? How did you word things to them?? Where in your letter to them did you post about blaming them or they are just pulling that out of thin air??? How did you tell the GF you slept with her boyf behind her back? What words did you use? I didn't see either of those things in the part of the letter you posted here. Something is off here...

You are going to feel guilty a lot. Which is good. Cause if you didn't, then you may not have a conscious. Be glad your hub is giving you an opportunity to work through this. You need to do whatever he asks of you. If you think counselling is helpful to you, do it.

Like PB said--find out the why and mkae sure it never happens again. Or you will find yourself in this position again and destroy every relationship you have in your life.



 
#126 ·
I pretty much stole what somebody said in my letter. I know that sounds awful and lame, but it was seriously how I felt and it was just written better than I could have done.

I'm sending you this message to tell you how sorry I am for the actions that I made. Having sex with Bobby with and without you is something I came to regret and learned that I was bringing myself and my marriage down.

I've made some awful mistakes that have hurt a lot of people, but most importantly, to my husband. I love him and I love my marriage to him. I must focus all my efforts into trying to fix my marriage and support my husband in every way possible. Therefore, I have to end all contact with you both so I can focus on what's truely important in my life.

I blocked you, Bobby, Phill and even your friend Christine from my facebook so I think you understand that I am not interested in anyway to try to make things better with you. I deleted your number and all ways to contact you and I would appreciate if you did the same.
 
#127 ·
Well you kind of glossed over how you slept with Bobby without her but what's done is done an dyou already sent it.

The GF sounds like she's co-dependent. Or maybe she just really liked your company. I don't think it's right to demonize her as the crazy/jealous/psycho person though after you willfully cheated with her and her guy behind her back.

Do get tested for STDs.



 
#129 · (Edited)
I agree with you, I don't think she is crazy/jealous/psycho. Maybe a little bit jealous but that's it. I really don't put any of the blame on her at all. She didn't put a gun to my head or anything. My actions are on me.

I wrote it, and I let my H read it first. I said I was going to send it and I would do whatever to it he wanted me to, and he said to send it as is, so I did.

And I completely agree with you Morituri, I don't know what I would do unless it happened. I just know the way my husband is acting is surprising me. The only thing is I am afraid he is blaming himself. I tell him that it was me and not him that he seriously did nothing wrong, that it was me falling for the attention. It just kills me inside that I know he is being more hard on himself than he is to me.

He told me he told a friend at work and that the friend says that if it would have been him, he would have left me. I know if he tells anyone else, everyone else would say the same thing. It's a hard thing to hear.
 
#133 · (Edited)
Just because he said he isn't going to leave doesn't mean you can sigh a breath of relief. It's not over by a long shot. If he thinks that you don't need counseling, oh well. Find a therapist anyways. If you start going, it wouldn't surprise me that after a bit of time, the therapist would ask to see you both for a session. So, ultimately, you get him to go to at least one.

Go to the bookstore and find books on how to repair and improve marriages. Let him see that you are STILL being pro-active even when he thinks that you don't need it.

Here's the hard part, when he needs to vent, you let him. He may say some pretty mean and hurtful things to you. This is normal. He wants you to feel the same amount of pain that he's going through right now. So, sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. HOWEVER, if he ever tries to get physically abusive, get out. I'm not saying that he will, but you may endure some abuse because of your actions, but never physical abuse.

You need to constantly re-affirm to him that you love him and your are completely sorry for what you've done. One of my first posts I told you that action speaks louder than words. He doesn't need to hear it, he needs to see it. Don't put it in his face. "LOOK! look what I'm doing!" no need for that, he'll see it without you saying a word.

If he wants you to tell your mom. Then do it. This is called own up to your own sh*t. This was your doing. So, you'll need to put your big girl pants on and fess up to what you've done. Own it. Don't run and hide from it.
 
#141 ·
Okay. I am on my phone so if I missed someone's post or something I am sorry.

I would like to say if I came across that I was blaming the gf or the om, that is not what I meant. I totally don't blame them at all. I don't blame anyone but myself. Sorry if it came across that way. Me and the girl were close and I think that is why she lashed out. She is a defensive person and she would have sent me a response back if I told her I didn't like a sandwich she had made.

And when I said I didn't know if it mattered or not that I did it 3 times with her knowing and 3 times without her knowing, I didn't mean it that it's not important to what I did. Someone said I did it once with her knowing and 5 times without her knowing, so I meant I didn't know if it mattered to their opinion or altered it at all.

About telling my mom. I want to tell my mom. But not when my sisters, nieces, nephews, etc. is around and it's hard to do that. I would also like to way till me and will forger out our true emotions. My h has not actually told me he wants me to do it. He said to wait on my own time and I know what that means, but I really am waiting till I feel like I can mentally deal with it. Am I wrong?

I know I have a long way to go. I am happy that my husband is giving me a chance to prove myself but no where am I happy with what I've done. I feel bad cause I can't even look at my h without crying saying how sorry I am. I know that doesn't make things better but that's all I know what to do. I am crying now just thinking about how I hurt him. I am no where happy that this is over because I know it's not that it's jus the beginning. I am so scared he is goin to change his mind or even come to his senses that he deserves so much better than me.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#142 ·
I am so scared he is goin to change his mind or even come to his senses that he deserves so much better than me.
Posted via Mobile Device
The blunt reality of this is you took that chance with sleeping with someone else. All you can do is try. You're right, the choice to stay or to leave is entirely up to him now. You have no say in the matter. All you can do is show him that you are willing to fix this.
 
#143 ·
Mary

You are very right that your husband deserved a much better wife then you were. But understand that wife is no longer there nor is the marriage she ended.

Now there is a new marriage relationship with a wife who will never be the person you were before. That was a person who in her husbands eye would never cheat and she was in a marriage where thus had never happened. Then she was replaced by a wife who was cheating. Finally now both of those women are gone, replaced by a woman fighting hard for her marriage

So this is your chance to transform into the wife your husband does deserve. You need to be focusing on tomorrow not yesterday because you can only change one of them
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#146 ·
Mary, I'm glad to see that you are owning up to your actions, it takes a lot of courage to admit the bad things we have done in our lives. Continue on this track and learn from all of this so that this never happens again regardless of whether or not you and your husband work this out and R.

Just be sure to be completely open and honest like everyone has said. Make sure you do things on purpose to show your being open about everything in your life, for instances leave your cell phone lying around where he has direct access to it so if he feels so obliged he can look at your texts and call logs or anything thats on your phone and see that you aren't doing anything shady. Don't delete texts or anything for a long while so that you know he has had a chance to read them, if you feel that some have been in your phone long enough and he has had an opportunity to read them then feel free to delete some old ones.

I can tell you from my experience, it's a really uncomfortable feeling trying to look at through a cell phone while your spouse is in the bathroom or something, so make sure you give him enough alone time to look things over so he doesn't feel rushed and don't stand over his shoulder while he looks. If you go out to grab food or something just leave it at home. Also reassure him and let him know that you are an open book and to feel free to look at your phone, e-mails, facebook, anything..

Even log on to your e-mail accounts or facebook occasionally and just leave it minimized or something and walk away from the computer. You had mentioned that you were probably just going to delete your facebook, I don't think you should do that, you said you use it as a way to communicate with family so continue using it to talk with family so he can see that is what you are doing so he can validate any uncertainties.

As for telling your mom about this, or anyone really, I wouldn't tell anyone about it until you are ready to tell them everything. Don't go asking people for advice without giving them the whole story, it isn't fair to your husband or your mother or whoever else you turn to for advice. It's only nature to turn to your parents when you need help, just make sure you tell them everything so they can give you the correct advice, because they can only give you advice based off of what they know and if they don't know very much then they aren't going to be giving you the right advice for the real situation.

My last advice would be to make yourself availiable to your husband at all times incase he has any questions or wants to clarify something, or even if he just needs some emotional support like a hug or something. Also, apologize often and thank him for giving you a second chance. You don't have to say it all the time because that could get annoying and may lose it's value, just be sure to remind him that you are sorry and you do appreciate him. Stroke his ego but start off slow, just give him a compliment every once in a while because he's going to be putting himself down a lot now.

Good luck with everything.
 
#147 ·
I can tell you from my experience, it's a really uncomfortable feeling trying to look at through a cell phone while your spouse is in the bathroom or something,
lol. Yes, it is.

You would do very well to listen to all that Forsaken has said here.
 
#150 ·
Yeah, I live my phone around most of the time anyway. I have my passwords for most of my stuff saved on the computer so if he wants to he would just have to double click and he won't even have to keep my passwords around.

Yesterday was quite hard for me. I know it sounds selfish by saying me, cause I'm sure it was hard for him. He was just more reserved, instead of asking me questions or just talking he just stayed quiet. When I talked about it, he didn't respond. When I said I loved him, I got nothing. When I asked for a kiss, he denied. So it's really hard to cope with that. I didn't say anything and that I understood but it's still hard.

He brought up the question if what would happen, if all this time of trying, this would be the time I got pregnant. So I am pretty sure he is stressing out over this. I don't even know how to answer this because I don't want to me like, oh no! oh no! I feel so ashamed for even having this conversation with him. I just said that if it does happen, we would get all the test and I would understand any decision that he made and that I loved him and that I really appreciated him for giving me the chance to prove myself as a wife.
 
#156 ·
Yesterday was quite hard for me. I know it sounds selfish by saying me, cause I'm sure it was hard for him. He was just more reserved, instead of asking me questions or just talking he just stayed quiet. When I talked about it, he didn't respond. When I said I loved him, I got nothing. When I asked for a kiss, he denied. So it's really hard to cope with that. I didn't say anything and that I understood but it's still hard.
Expect more of this. He is on the worst roller coaster of his life right now. You cannot even fathom how he feels.

I really don't know why I did this.
You did it because you wanted to. You chose to.

My advice, again, is to get tested for STDs immediately and get a pregnancy test.



 
#152 ·
I really don't know why I did this. It really was I got a little attention and I totally just gave it into it. That doesn't make it right, I know it was wrong and I know it makes me stupid and an awful person and wife.

I brought up going to counseling again and he told me he doesn't think I need it. I said I really want to work on our marriage so we can come out of this stronger than ever, and he just responded that we can do that by ourselves.
 
#153 ·
It doesn't make you an awful person. It means you made some bad decisions. How you are handling it and how you continue to handle it says more about you. Everyone's feet are made of clay and in the right circumstance we can all make horrifically bad decisions, and we all do. It's how we handle and learn from those decisions that really shows who and what we are.

IMO the two of you need to put trying to have children on hold, for a while, like a couple of years. You've got a lot to work through just dealing with the affair, adding a child to the dynamic now will just unbelievably complicate things. Having a child, especially a first child, is very stressful. Just read all of the threads where the affair happened right before during or after a pregnancy. It's a major life changer and generally not a good thing for the relationship between the husband and wife in the short term - even when all is good. Thrown on top of a relationship already under strain and it may be too much. You need a good solid marriage before you bring a child into the world together.

The two of you do need counseling, but you can accomplish it between yourselves if you work at it. To do that you will both have to work hard at communicating with each other about your feelings and emotions and helping each other to deal with and process them. Read Almostrecovered's recent thread - I think it's called "2 years ago today." In one post in there he talks about he and his WW counseling themselves.
 
#154 ·
I really beg to differ with your husband regarding his belief that the two of you do not need counseling. Trying to sweep things under the rug as though it never happened seldom - if ever - works. I understand that he feels emasculated by the experience - I'm a betrayed husband so I have a pretty good idea of what he is feeling at this moment - and he may cringe at the thought of having to expose this story to a third party, a counselor. Of course you do not want to do anything behind his back ever again, but if in the days or weeks to come, you see his emotional well being deteriorate, please bring up the subject of individual counseling again for the two of you. He may - at that time - be more agreeable to it.

You may want to consider purchasing and reading books on healing after an affair. Books such as How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald and How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To by Janis A. Spring, and reading them together with your husband or by yourself. Leave the books in plain sight so your husband can see them and hopefully become curious enough to pick them up. Another thing you can do is invite him to come here to TAM or any other marriage oriented sites such as Marriage Advocates, etc to receive emotional support from other betrayed spouses. Just like you, he is not alone and he can transcend this ordeal to become much more emotionally stronger man than he ever was.
 
#155 ·
Just got off the phone with him. He at least responded that he loved me but he said the more he thinks about it, more that he wants to leave. Which is extremely hurtful, but I completely understand. I told him I really want to prove myself as a wife and I want this marriage to be successful and I will do anything to make it stronger. Then he asked if the OM was the only one. I said yes, then he apoligized for asking. I told him not to ever be sorry to ask, that he could ask anything and I promised to be truthful.

I will try again in a couple days about counseling. Even if it is just for me. I will show him this site, but I doubt he will come on. He has always kept his feelings to himself and I am very surprised that he is being as open as he is. I am thankful for that.
 
#159 ·
I agree. It's not that I don't know why I did it. More that I can't believe I actually *coughcough* cheated on my husband. Like when we got married, many people said that this would happen and I was like, ahh no. I love him to much to do that. In fact that I don't believe while I was doing this, I was loving him any less. Even though, I knew it was wrong, I kept on doing this. And you are probably right, if I didn't google for advice, and I didn't find the board, I would probably be at my friend's house right now. Not because I wanted to keep on doing it, but because I felt like I was by myself and I didn't have a person being like, you are wrong! Of course, my consicious was telling me this, but I don't know. I sound stupid, so I hope I make sense.

I got a random random question. Before when we did argue, it was mainly because of our dog. I love him, my H goes through periods of liking him. He always brought up that he wants to get rid of him. I never wanted to, because I absolutely love this stupid dog. Yesterday he mentioned that he wants to get rid of him..(Okay, okay, he has been saying this for a daily basis for like 2 months now.) Should I actually consider it now?
 
#161 ·
Just because they said we were to young to get married. My family was very supportive of us getting married. His family, however, wasn't. But I don't think it was because they thought they were to young. I think it was more because they were afraid of loosing him and they had no problem showing their hatred towards me. We haven't even spoken to his dad in over a year.

I agree that the dog is a pain in the ass and it's really hard to move to a nicer place because most places not allow pets accept for dumpier places. But in all reality, I love the dog. I spoil him and I will miss him sooo much, but I know that is what my H wants. So I don't know what I want to do.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top