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i feel guilty but..

60K views 279 replies 53 participants last post by  Decorum 
#1 ·
I was googled "I cheated on my husband' to find someone to talk to because I don't have anyone to talk to and I found this board. I was hoping maybe I could find advice/help or maybe someone like me.

I haven't been married long. (2 years in November) And we are both young. (Both 21) I love him with everything I have. I don't want anything to happen between us and so on and so on. We've been through everything together. He is my support system, and we've gone through a miscarriage together..(about 2 years ago)

My dad got sick and he lives on the other side of the country so I flew out there for like 3 weeks to help him. Before I got back, my husband had to leave for 4 weeks for the army. So we haven't seen each other for a while.

I was at a girl friend's house just sleeping the night because I just didn't want to be home alone. Her baby's father was staying there and things just happened and we had sex. (My girl friend knew). After that I felt extreamly guilty and I really hated myself and I went back and forth if I should tell him. My husband got back and I decided I should keep it a secret and I told my girl friend how I felt and she understood but didn't at the same time.

I know this sounds soooo selfish but my husband works all the time and I just get bored and I just wish we had more time together. Like we won't need the money but then he volunteers to work on his days off. Then like he'll get a day off then he has to go to drill for the army.

So I was back at my friends house, and we had sex again. and again. Now we had sex 6 times and now it's kind of behind my friends back. And I'm just like why do I keep on doing this to myself?

We also moved away from all our family and friends. So I've tried to be like, I'm just not going over there anymore. But I am in this town by myself and she is seriously my only friend..and with her comes him. And with him is temptation that I can't resist.
 
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#163 ·
I'd ditch the dog. You ditched your committment to your husband. He is hurting more than you can imagine. This is something he has been wanting. Giving it to him shows you care about what he wants. He knows you want to keep it. Giving up a dog may give you a better chance at not giving up your marriage, which is way more important.

Not so much that it is "just a dog", but to me it would show, "I screwed up. I understand I screwed up. I know you want to get rid of the dog. I'm willing to give up the dog as a consequence to my horrible decision. I love you and want to make you happy."

That is how I would take it. On the other hand, I would take an insistence to keep the dog to say, "I know you want to get rid of the dog, but I want to keep the dog. Just as in my affair with OM, what I want is more important to me than what you want. I'm not willing to give up something so insignificant in the big scheme of things as a consequence of my actions. You just need to get over it."
 
#164 ·
When we first got together, my H had a GF that his parents absolutely loved. She went to their church and then I came along and they broke up. His parents didn't really know me, and my H was sleeping over at my house, (well my parents house. we were 18). And he was living with his real mom and not them (them meaning dad & stepmom that he lived with like his whole life). They didn't approve of him staying over at my house so my H just didn't tell them. Well one night at like 3 o'clock in the morning they came to my house to see if he was there. Of course he was. His dad came to my bedroom window looked between the blinds..and of course what were we doing? Yup, the nasty. He taped on the window and then after knocking all over my house for like an hour. He left.

The next day his dad and his stepmom came over to my house to tell my parents what they seen. They said how awful it was of them to let me have a boy over. How I pretty much was a **** and so on. And ever since then, it hasn't gone over well.

When we announced we were getting married, the first thing they said was they I had to involve all his brothers and sisters. (He has 4 sisters 2 brothers, and my H is the oldest) I said of course. Then the day of my bridal shower, his stepmom took all the kids and left his dad and moved to a house like 4 hours away.

They both tried to involve my H in their divorce in much way as possible. Making him choose sides, etc. The day after our wedding. They moved back in together. At first I really tried to get my H to talk to his family cause I thought it was my fault that they don't talk. But my H really doesn't want anything to do with them, so I learned just to sit back and support him on not wanting a relationship with them.

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Okay, sorry for the random story.
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I'm just afraid if I get rid of the dog, that later on he will regret it. (I believe he loves him) and then be like, "you only got rid of him, because you cheated on me!"
 
#165 ·
When we first got together, my H had a GF that his parents absolutely loved. She went to their church and then I came along and they broke up.
Were you the Other Woman?

Re: his family, you can't help how they feel, only the way you react to them.

Re: dog...again, you guys will have to reach a compromise.

I really think IC would be helpful for you.



 
#166 ·
When we first got together, I guess you could say I was the OW. Not really though. Like that relationship was ending, and we weren't having sex at that time. It was seriously just talking. Then when we started to become serious, I found out he was talking to another girl by reading his text then started texting the girl myself. He didn't have sex with her though, it that situation is done and over and I completely buried that.

I brought it up to him. Saying maybe I needed it, and he told me I didn't. That if I needed to talk to someone, I could call my friend or talk to him.
 
#168 · (Edited)
No, we couldn't even find someone to watch him when I was at my dad's and he was living for the army and that was only 2 days. So we had to put him in a kennel.

Well I just told him pretty much that I know this isn't going to change much but I know when we do argue it is over cocoa and even though I love him, I love you more and that I was willing to give him up. And by doing this I'm not saying that makes things better or that I expect everything to go away, that it was just a start of me showing that I would do anything to make him happy and show I want to work through this. At first he was like I won't make you dl that. I know you love cocoa. Then five seconds later, "where is he going" and I Sao I would forger it out. Cause I'm not taking him to the pound or anything, I want to make sure he won't get killed and has a home.
 
#169 ·
Sorry for the double posting I just wanted to ask a question. What am I supposed to do if he insist on having sex? He proposed it, and I said I think we should wait till we get tested or at least go get protection. Then he asked if I was attracted to him. I said of course and that last time we had sex he regretted it and that I didn't want the same thing to happen again. And I wanted to make sure he was completely ready. He said he was, so we ended up just having sex. He doesn't seem like he was last time and he is actually really talking to me.

Am I wrong for not keep on pushing that we should wait? It's hard because no matter how I say we should wait, he takes it as an insult.
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#171 ·
#172 ·
People believe the funniest things. I never could get over how they test the rubbers. They blow it up like a balloon. Why don't they test them like the the real world which would be more like a tube of toothpaste. Squeeze one end and paste comes out the other. But our society believes that the words "use protection" and *poof* you are protected from STDS. What a joke. In a way its like the way the native Americans believed that blowing smoke and waving your hand over yourself protected you in battle. Bet there were some surprised Indians when their smoke shield didn't work.........Maybe they should have shouted "use protection" and warn sheepskin condoms (no latex then) before battle. I am sure they would have worked.
 
#182 ·
Most definitely not a realistic view of "protection".

I`ll stick with the scientific studies from the CDC,AMA,PP and numerous other knowledgable informed organizations.

Nothing is 100% effective but "protection" is what condoms offer.
 
#174 ·
I told him that but all he heard was blah blah blah you don't find me attractive. No matter what I said made him feel any better. I just didn't know what to do.

I am at my moms now because he has drill tomorrow and her house is closer to the unit. He was/is upset that I don't want to tell my mom yet. She is seriously the type of person to involve herself as much as possible and I would really like to try to forger out some before adding a third party. I know I sound selfish but I don't even think I am emotionally ready to tell her especially since I know she will butt in it.

We talked about going to walmart to start Xmas shopping (huge family) and on our way we passed the gf and the on. Which put a damper on his mood. So by the time he got to walmart he already wanted to leave and then randomly he flipped out on me for someone walking into me. I calmy responded it was alright and he yelled to not yell at him. I didn't say anword till we got to the car. Like I know he has a right to be mad, but to wait till we were in public was embarrassing and all and all it upset/pissed me off. And I knew I just had to suck it up and deal with it because it was my fault. What are some things I could say if that happens again?
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#179 ·
I am at my moms now because he has drill tomorrow and her house is closer to the unit. He was/is upset that I don't want to tell my mom yet. She is seriously the type of person to involve herself as much as possible and I would really like to try to forger out some before adding a third party. I know I sound selfish but I don't even think I am emotionally ready to tell her especially since I know she will butt in it.


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Mary, he has mentioned this numerous times. It is important to him that she knows. Whatever the reason behind it, you are making many excuses to not do it. Those excuses are going to count against you the longer you go. You told him you would do ANYTHING to fix this, yet you are clearly demonstrating you will not. You should consider the message this is sending to him.

Q~
 
#175 ·
Mary.
I just want to tell you some of the things that my WW does that helped me, take what you will and the things you do use I hope they work.
Sex was a must it helped us reconnect, face it, you already had sex with H with out a glove so what ever the convict has you both have now. Boosting our sex life helped us.

Affection, just a rub on the back, a hug and a small kiss, grapping his hand to hold it, any thing that tells your H you do care. For me it ment she still found me attractive, it help boost my ego. For us guys thats huge.

Calls, My WW calls me all the time, when she got to work, when she leaves work, breaks, lunchs, all the time just to let me know were shes at and that she is thinking of me and how I'm doing. Its like we were kids all over again ... remember always call my new GF just to talk. Well these day ...all crown up and all with being busy she keeps the calls short and it just means alot that she is even thinking about instead of getting laid.

My WW are now heading toward 2 yrs of R.

She was a bigg time cheater and every ones says they would leave the cheater until there sitting in that sitch. But our R is going good and she has done all the heavy lifting, and has dealt with my snide remarks and my triggers and has stuck it out. So there is hope.

Since Your H isn't into going to see a MC, is he up to reading ?

"After the Affair" by Janis A. Spring, helped us.


Stay strong, it sound like you are facing the consequences, only to make you a better person when you do have kids, for that matter making you a smarter person as you grow. Its sound like you are find out who you really are, and I hope with your H's love comes forgiveness. I also hope that your H sees that your evil mistake is not going to define who you are and what you want to be. So good luck.
 
#177 ·
I did that. The first night and he told me the next day how much he regretted it. I just didn't want him to have the same feelings again

I am interested in buying a book for myself. I know he would look at it like a foriegn object.
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#181 ·
I agree. Your humility (willingness to admit what you did, to others) is probably the #1 thing he needs to see right now. In fact, I usually tell the betrayed spouses that if their wayward WON'T admit to their family what they did, then they aren't truly remorseful, that they are still all about themselves.
 
#183 ·
I agree telling her would cOmpletely humiliate me. But it's just hard to find a good time because we are never by ourselves. One of sisters or something is around all the time and just haven't had a chance where it is just us. My h expects me to be like I cheated! And turn around and walk out and I can't do that.

Well after his drill he seemed in a good mood, even talking about going to the movies ttogether and then I asked how his friend was that he was talking to which happens to have the same name as the om. He told men to call his friend Robert for now on. Then he went through my purse to find a condom which in pure honesty have no idea where it came from and I'm actually thinking it was my sister playing a prank or something so his mood went to like clouds to grave in .5 seconds.

It's really hard because like I know I have to push my hurt aside to tend to his feelings 24/7 so it's just hard not being able to talk to anybody, which I am sire he is feeling the same way. Does that make me selfish?
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#186 ·
I agree telling her would cOmpletely humiliate me. But it's just hard to find a good time because we are never by ourselves. One of sisters or something is around all the time and just haven't had a chance where it is just us.
Her house doesn't have doors with locks?

Just so you know, telling her isn't about humiliating you - you're misspeaking for me. I said you need to have HUMILITY - not BE humiliated. Humility means acknowledging your misdeeds and asking forgiveness.
 
#184 ·
Keep venting here and not to your husband. It is going to be a roller coaster ride for some time, and you are going to have to do the heavy lifting for quite a while. He will trigger over many things, and you have to keep supporting his emotions.
 
#188 ·
If one of your sisters is always hanging aroung your mother, you could take your mother to her bedroom, lock the door behind you, and in a low, whisper like tone of voice, tell her the truth about your marital betrayal. Simple.
 
#190 ·
I do agree I need to suck it up and put my big girl panties on and just tell her. I really am overthinking it. It's also hard since we don't live very close either. Should have taken the oppunity when I had it. But I know I will get more chances.

This might sound dumb but I think he is kind of taking advantage of the situation. Like remember when you were young and had a substitute and did whatever you wanted cause you know you could get away with it. That's kind of what he is doing. Like one thin I hate is suspensive or bloody or actiony movies. Like seriously I feel like having panic attacks and everything, I know that sounds very drama queen but thats how it is. Well he made me go see shark night which I pretty much plugged my ears and covered my eyes through the whole thing. Then he like does things to push my buttons like pick at his fingers cause he knows I can't stand the sound and just very little things.

Like I know I need to suck some things up and just deal with it but like now no matter what he does, do I just have to deal with it? Like he drives fast and I always tell him to slow down. Yesterday he was speeding and I told him to slow down and he started screaming at me and then started driving faster. I felt like I could say nothing back so I ended up just crying cause it was to the poin it was scaring me.
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#192 · (Edited)
I'm guilty of that i did some walking on my WW days after my confrontation.
I learned on this site that there is a healthy way to heal and a unhealthy way.
It sucked but we got though it. I mean I did some things I'm not proud of.

Its only been a few days...maybe a week but the point is he is going through phases. One day anger, one depression, one day happy. it all a rollercoaster ride.

There will be an oppertunity when you can realy talk about it. Hopefully soon he will see the positive thing you are doing. In my case I saw my WW submit so much that as I warmed back up to her and my emotions settled down it got to a point were it it was about us and the marriage and not so much about the POS OM's.

That is when we really started to get things done and she approached me and said "listen I f~cked up and you making drop to my knees everychance you get is only making this marriage harder for both of us, so lets cut the sh~t and work *for* each other instead of against each other"

Main thing here is time, but he has to come to his own understanding that if he doesn't talk about this crap and bring it to ahead it will destroy a already fragile marraige. The key word here is him and his understanding.

Next time the both of you have a talk and the word forgiveness comes up, thats the time to ask him what his deffinition of forgiveness is. And explain the whole being mean and resent ment crap, and working for each other thing.

The both of you have a responsablity to have a healthy marriage. For him its going to be a hell of alot harder. Sorry Mary another consequence from a bad choice.

Don't give up, give it some time its way to soon for him.

Gets some knee pads :)
 
#193 ·
You cannot force your husband to go to counseling but you can and should go ASAP. The dynamic of the marriage could deteriorate to abuse and you will have to be ready to leave if it comes to that.

Just like there is no excuse for infidelity, there is no excuse for abuse, emotional and/or physical. Get help NOW.
 
#194 ·
Mary I suspect he is testing your comittment to him and the marriage. He's angry and he does not trust you. He will not trust you for a long while. This is the tough time your going through. He will test and push to see if you back down, Don't slip.
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#195 ·
there's always a temporary power shift after discovery of an affair if there is an attempt at R
Shaggy is right in that in a sense he's unloading everything he's been unhappy about the past few years and thus is testing you to see if you're willing to do anything to make him happy.

Eventually you will have to ease back into compromise on non-affair issues, but I suggest the doors of communication need to be swung wide open because if you continue to sacrifice you will breed contempt and the marriage will not heal.
 
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