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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-07-2011, 08:00 AM   #61 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Turner9 View Post
3. Don't tell your husband right now! Don't do it! If you know his temperment, rage level? Don't do it! Its the last distraction he needs while defending our country! The will be a time to tell him but don't you dare try to get pregnant and then tell him!

5. Prepare for the worldwind effect! He will find out! Eventually! your friend will tell him or it will come out and because of your actions and your a repeat! offender! it will come out soon. Maybe 1 month or 2 at best. People can't hold their secrets for long. Tell your husband before that happens.
Did you read this thread? She already told him.
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Old 09-07-2011, 08:02 AM   #62 (permalink)
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I am 100 percent ready to end my friendship with the GF.
No, you don't need to be "ready to end it"--you should have already ended it. There's no preparation necessary. Delete her # and the OM's # from your phone/FB/email contacts, all of it. No more talking to them. They are a cancer to your marriage.

Really look at yourself and why you did this and stop it because if not, you will destroy every relationship you are involved with in your life if you continue this way. Promise.
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Old 09-07-2011, 08:03 AM   #63 (permalink)
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Oh, I am sorry, I did not see that you TOLD Your Husband! That took GUTS! I didn't think you would do that anytime soon, .. Go see a military counselor , his benefits should cover that, by telling him, you expose that horrible sexual predator of a friend of yours and you have given yourself the opportunity you need to strengthen your moral fiber. I will still hold true to my 1st post though, if you go back to that junk.

He might forgive you, I've seen husbands forgive their wives and vice versa of things worse than what you've done! and I know them. I am proud of you! That really took Courage! I don't know of too many who would come clean after an experience like that.

No matter the outcome, know you did the BEST thing! and that will serve you well in the years to come.
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Old 09-07-2011, 08:04 AM   #64 (permalink)
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Ok so end it.

You need to take aggressive action and stick to them to show your husband that you want to fix this.

Good intentions words an tears are all great but you need to begin making a new marriagehttp://www.lightbluetouchpaper.org/2009/12/07/what-does-detica-detect with him. Your old one is dead and gone. He will never ever trust you like before. He may forgive you and try for the marriage. But it is entirely your job to do anything needed to fix his broken heart


Start by on your own permanently ending ALL contact with the OM
and your friend who aided the cheating.
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Old 09-07-2011, 08:08 AM   #65 (permalink)
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Yeah, sorry, My browser cut off her last post when I replied to it. But you have to admit, her friend is some sort of sexual predator! The poor thing did not have chance. I live in a Navy Town, I'm around Military 24/7 I have heard and seen a lot stuff, unfortunately, her story is like 6 out 10 here when the husband or wife is deployed for long periods of time. Yes, the ratio is declining.
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Old 09-07-2011, 08:08 AM   #66 (permalink)
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Random question.

Should I tell my mom?

He told me yesterday that he really wanted to call his mom just so he would have someone to talk to, but didn't because he said if there was any chance he would forgive me, he didn't want her hating me. I didn't even know what to say to that.
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Old 09-07-2011, 08:14 AM   #67 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

Whether you tell your mom or not is completely up to you. Only you can decide that.

To me, the one person you absolutely should have told is your husband...and you did. Good for you.

As for him telling his mom--you can rest assured if she finds out, she won't see you the same way again. That is par for the course with cheating. Harsh but true.
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Old 09-07-2011, 08:18 AM   #68 (permalink)
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I wish you luck. It sounds like your husband loves you very much also. You were correct in telling him. I think he will give you another opportunity. You have learned a hard lesson. If you are ever tempted again just imagine your husbands face while he was crying to you. If this does not stop you then nothing will.
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Old 09-07-2011, 08:27 AM   #69 (permalink)
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I'd say no on telling any moms. You both need someone to talk to, but telling family will forever color their perception. Counseling is the way to go. IC for probably both of you so your H can talk out his feelings with someone, and for you to find out why you did this. MC for both of you - you'll need it to help you get through this assault on your marriage.
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Old 09-07-2011, 08:33 AM   #70 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

Here's some advice:

1. Like Jelly said, go get tested for STDs. You had sex with your husband last night and may have exposed him to one. Don't wait, do it ASAP.

2. End your friendship with GF and OM FOREVER. Write both them a NC (no contact) letter in which you explain that in order to save your marriage, you will no longer have anything to do with her and the OM. As some other member commented, she is no friend of yours or of the marriage. Show it to your husband and have him mail it.

3. Commit to total transparency where you lovingly allow yourself to become accountable to him for your whereabouts 24/7. Give him any passwords to your cell phone, email accounts, social networking sites, etc. Your commitment to adhere to this policy will be the foundation for his rebuilding trust in you.

4. Get yourself into IC (individual counseling) to address and resolve your overwhelming desire for male attention. I use the term overwhelming because while it is normal for a young married woman like yourself to be sexually attracted to other men besides her husband, you seem to lack the ability to observe marital boundaries when you find yourself feeling lonely. It's almost like you used the sex you had with the OM to escape from the problems you were having with your husband. Conflict avoidance? If you do go to counseling, invite him to join you as an observer and emotional supporter of your personal healing.

5. Recovery for your husband MAY take anywhere from 2 to 5 years. He's going to go through an emotional roller coaster ride where he's going to have days when his love for you will be unquestionable followed by days of despair and hopelessness regarding you and the marriage. It is important that you do not react to his lashing out at you during the low days because it is not so much he's angry with but angry at himself for being weak and unmanly by staying married to you. The problem is that we men are stubbornly bullheaded when it comes to asking for help via counseling and your husband may be no exception. For this reason, invite him to this forum where he can get the support he needs from other betrayed husbands, some of who happen to be military men. If he does decide to join TAM (talk about marriage) he'll see that he is not alone and that he is still as much a man as he's always been.

As Bryanp said, you and your husband now have an opportunity to build a happy and healthy marriage free of the lies and deception of the old marriage. But it is up to the two of you to put in the hard work to make that a reality.

Good luck.
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Last edited by morituri; 09-07-2011 at 09:45 AM.
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Old 09-07-2011, 08:48 AM   #71 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

You both need to get tested for STDs since you had sex last night.

I don't even think you shouldo write a NC letter. I think you should just go no contact wtih nary a sword spoken. Not only do you need IC to figure out why you need all this male attention--but you also need to work on why you felt it was ok to sleep with your girlfriend's boyfriend... in front of her and repeatedly behind her back. You have poor boundaries.
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Old 09-07-2011, 08:58 AM   #72 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

My take on this was that it just turned into a waterfall. Kind of like, well, I f*cked up already, so I guess I can take this fun ride a little longer until I come to my senses. Now the ride is over, and who knows if your H will forgive you or not.

All you can do is be there for him. It may not be enough, but if you want to save your marriage, you have to try this.

I think the NC letter does serve the purpose of showing the H that she is committed to ending that relationship. If she says nothing and just does dark forever from them with no letter, the H can't really see the door closing.

Not trying to rain on the parade here, but going physical more than once would be a deal breaker for me. A one night stand while really drunk...maybe I could get past it. But several times, no way. Be prepared that he might feel the same way and never forgive. Because of this, you do need to get a job to protect yourself financially.

VERY surprised your H asked for sex right away. When I found out my wife had an EA (emotional affair) and she came on to me, I rejected her the first time. For him to initiate, knowing you had unprotected.....wait, did you tell him your sex was unprotected???
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Old 09-07-2011, 08:59 AM   #73 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

And I'm just like why do I keep on doing this to myself?


That's your problem. You're not doing it to "yourself". You're doing it to him. You need to change your way of thinking.
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Old 09-07-2011, 09:16 AM   #74 (permalink)
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Default Re: i feel guilty but..

Quote:
Originally Posted by _mary View Post
Random question.

Should I tell my mom?

He told me yesterday that he really wanted to call his mom just so he would have someone to talk to, but didn't because he said if there was any chance he would forgive me, he didn't want her hating me. I didn't even know what to say to that.
When I gave up my affair to my wife I knew that her mother was the only real person she would have to turn to for support so I knew she had to know. The only thing I asked my wife post D Day was to let me be the one to tell my mother in law in my wife's presence, for two reasons. First, I did it and I wanted my wife to see me stand up and be held accountable. Second, I wanted to be there to defend myself. This doesn't mean that I wanted to justify what I had done, but I wanted to be sure that the dialogue stayed within the realm of truth and reality and didn't paint me or my intentions into something that they were not. So my W called my MIL and at 9am I confessed to her. My wife also wanted the input of my parents and I owed my father an apology for my behavior so later that same day I met with them and my wife and confessed to them. All in all a very long day. My family dynamics certainly played a part in the above for two reasons. First, everyone above has some first hand experience with infidelity - I'll leave it at that. Second, we all live in the same town and are very close to each other. Beyond our parents I let my wife tell whomever she wanted. I did tell her of a few people who I thought would be less than respectful of her wishes to keep it confidential. To date I think she has told only two of her friends. The ironic thing is that my wife really needed and wanted the support of her mother and my parents, and since I told them, everyone wants to pretend like it never happened.

You're doing good so far, hang in there it will get better. Be there for your husband. Let him see you do the things like establish and abide by no contact, taking ownership and being remorseful. Communicate with him, you are and will be in pain to, tell him about it - let him know you are hurting to. Confide in each other, lean on each other - you can use this to build your marriage together into something stronger than it was before. The marriage you had yesterday is gone. The one you have now will either be better or worse. It is up to you and your husband which it will be. My wife and I now have a far better marriage than we did before my affair - it can be done. It's hard painful work, but it's worth it.
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Old 09-07-2011, 09:17 AM   #75 (permalink)
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I don't even think you shouldo write a NC letter. I think you should just go no contact wtih nary a sword spoken.
I hate to disagree with the great one . But a NC letter IS necessary because this so called 'friend' of hers encouraged her to have sex with another man not once but many times as long as she was present. She is toxic to Mary and her husband and needs to be told that she is no longer considered a friend and to never again reach out to her. As someone said with friends like her, who needs enemies?

If Mary truly wants to regain her husband's trust in her than this is a must. I doubt that any betrayed spouse would want their cheating spouse to leave the door unlocked so that such a toxic person can waltz right in when it suits him or her. An NC letter locks the door on that person forever.

Mary, you should inform your husband of any calls or contacts from your so called friend (or the OM) as soon as possible, otherwise you risk in losing whatever shred of trust your husband has left for you and sabotaging any efforts to rebuild your marriage.
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