I was googled "I cheated on my husband' to find someone to talk to because I don't have anyone to talk to and I found this board. I was hoping maybe I could find advice/help or maybe someone like me.
I haven't been married long. (2 years in November) And we are both young. (Both 21) I love him with everything I have. I don't want anything to happen between us and so on and so on. We've been through everything together. He is my support system, and we've gone through a miscarriage together..(about 2 years ago)
My dad got sick and he lives on the other side of the country so I flew out there for like 3 weeks to help him. Before I got back, my husband had to leave for 4 weeks for the army. So we haven't seen each other for a while.
I was at a girl friend's house just sleeping the night because I just didn't want to be home alone. Her baby's father was staying there and things just happened and we had sex. (My girl friend knew). After that I felt extreamly guilty and I really hated myself and I went back and forth if I should tell him. My husband got back and I decided I should keep it a secret and I told my girl friend how I felt and she understood but didn't at the same time.
I know this sounds soooo selfish but my husband works all the time and I just get bored and I just wish we had more time together. Like we won't need the money but then he volunteers to work on his days off. Then like he'll get a day off then he has to go to drill for the army.
So I was back at my friends house, and we had sex again. and again. Now we had sex 6 times and now it's kind of behind my friends back. And I'm just like why do I keep on doing this to myself?
We also moved away from all our family and friends. So I've tried to be like, I'm just not going over there anymore. But I am in this town by myself and she is seriously my only friend..and with her comes him. And with him is temptation that I can't resist.
Go through and read through alot of the posts and see how much pain and anguish they're going through. Then multiply that by 1000x and you might just begin to understand what cheating does to a spouse.
I came to this site to see how much pain and hurt I did to my wife, even though it happened a lifetime ago, the pain is still there and I can see the anger and hurt still sometimes. If you can't deal with it then you don't love him enough to make that extra effort to help him through it.
There is a fine line though, abuse either verbal or physical is not tolerable no matter what we did. But if the worse you have to deal with is his mood swings then count yourself lucky. Ask yourself, could you have stayed with him if he cheated on you? I can honestly say that I would have ran out the door so fast if I found out. That only shows me how much my wife loves me. So, if I have to bite my tongue from time to time I do it. Well sometimes my mouth gets the better of me but I always go back and apologize if I know I was in the wrong.
Yeah I understand what you all are saying. It's just so hard cause is am such an outspoken person about eveything. So it's hard for mento be sitting here biting my tounge.
Yesterday and today my h didn't want to mention it at all. Kind of pretending it never happened. He did tell me he seen the om walking around town but that's it. He asked if he could get on my fb for a game and I said he didn't have to ask and he did say that it didn't matter if he did or not snoop because I would just delete the messages. I understand completely where that was coming from bu I just said that I wouldn't and haven't done that. Other than that not anword.
I know he has been noticing my change. Like I never cook, but I have been and having it ready when he comes home from work. The random text saying I love and miss himthroughout the day. Etc. Is to much sucking up bad? Posted via Mobile Device
I know he has been noticing my change. Like I never cook, but I have been and having it ready when he comes home from work. The random text saying I love and miss himthroughout the day. Etc. Is to much sucking up bad? Posted via Mobile Device
No, that's exactlly what he needs right now. And be consistant with it. He may think that you're gonna stop after a while. Prove him wrong and make these little endearments part of your daily routine. Keep up the good work!
Right now I am so frustrated. All week I've been talking about going to my cousins marching band spectacular thing. So I didn't plan anything for dinne because I just assumed we would go out. Well he gets home. Doesn't want to go. I'm sucking it up. He gets on his game and just starts yelling at the game (24/7 here) I ask him to lower his voice cause he is screaming. He yells at me to go f myself. So sadly, I cracked.
I know it hasn't been long since I told him, but I told him I was seriously trying and he said I know I just had a hard day at work. I'm like I'm sorry but just don't yell at me cause I don't deal with that well. He says okay, and no lie through all this..his eyes doesn't come off the tv. It just upsets me so bad I don't even know why.
Like this is how it's always been. His game. So I'm used to it. And it never really bothered me before. He just doesn't understand what it's like to be home all day by myself, talking to no one but my dog. And then he comes home and I feel more alone than I was when I was actually alone. I put applications for jobs by then I heard from him about how he didn't want me to work. But I still sent them in because I need to get out of this house. I need human interaction. Posted via Mobile Device
He gets on his game and just starts yelling at the game (24/7 here) I ask him to lower his voice cause he is screaming. He yells at me to go f myself.
He says okay, and no lie through all this..his eyes doesn't come off the tv. It just upsets me so bad I don't even know why.
Like this is how it's always been. His game. So I'm used to it. And it never really bothered me before. He just doesn't understand what it's like to be home all day by myself, talking to no one but my dog. And then he comes home and I feel more alone than I was when I was actually alone.
Well, I guess I take back my earlier comment about ditching the dog. I still don't condone your affair, because that is never the answer. However, this does look like he has his own affair partner, the game. My wife was like this for a long time, even before it became a game with one person (her affair partner). It takes two to make a marriage work. I do understand where he is hurt and everything. But you say this is how it's been for a long time. Ugh! I don't know what to think about this.
I really think you need to find something to keep you busy during the day. I know you said you don't need to work, but what about volunteering at an animal shelter? Most military bases have liaisons that can direct you to volunteer opportunities, Find something to occupy yourself; boredom led to this affair. You are far too young to be staying home all day with nothing to do.
I have brought up many times how I just need outside life, even before my affair. His only response is that its not his fault that he always works. (okay maybe not that mean, bu among those lines.)
He never really wanted the dog. I was just mad baby crazy and since that option wasn't there for me I went out and got the dog (giving my h just a day notice) so he didn't really have anchoice about the dog. Well he did but he knew how much I wanted one so he didn't say no. I still don want to give him up but my h has brought up everyday. I was hoping he would forget about it or something but he hasn't. I posted an ad on craigslist to make it look like I'm trying.
I haven't seen my mom since I last brought it up. My mom is a teacher and lives far from me so she isn't easily accessable. Lol
Edit: oh I think y'all misunderstood me. Yes my h is in the army but he isn't stationed anywhere or considered active duty right now. And we don't live on base. Posted via Mobile Device
I still say you need to start reading and get yourself some indivdual counseling. Someone did bring up a very good idea about volunteering your time. Not a bad idea. If not an animal shelter, then maybe the red cross, or some church group.....
He works a lot, that is his way of providing for the family. With that comes long hours. IT is a difficult time to discuss marital issues due to the wound being fresh but don't let these things slip under the rug. Timing is the key right now and only you can guage when and how much to get into on the marriage front.
As far as working, volunteer at the local human society. It gets your animal fix and provides a very valuable service and they always need help. May even get some discount vet work for your dog out of it as well.
I went around to churches before when I moved here to see if I could volunteer and they all looked at me like I was a charity case and some just assumed I wanted my electric bill paid?! So yeah. Lol. I was trying to ge involved in a local theather but all that was judging old ladies who would rather have donations than volunteers. So it's not that I haven't tried that before.
I think our problem is right now. Is that he wants to go on and pretend it never happened. And I'm trying to get in his mind and make our marriage stronger so I'm running an extra mile while he was like whatever. Nothing has happened. Posted via Mobile Device
Stop making excuses. You can't just turn your marriage around, not while he is in pain. You CAN stay and try to prove to him that you won't cheat again. Right now, that's treading water and that's all you can expect. If you're going to make this all about how downtrodden YOU are, your marriage isn't going to survive.
I do sound like one bog drama queen, don't I? I'm sorry. I may be whining and everything on here but I reply am just venting. Not saying this to his face. The only thig I did was when he cursed at me, I started balling because I can't do the being yelled at. Just sensitive, I guess. I did mention that I like going out when he gets home because I am so lonely during the day and when he does get home all he does is play his game. I know that sounds nagging, but I really am not to him. Trust me, my tounge is sore for how much I have been biting it. Lol
I seriously have no friends or anybody to vent on. So I guess when I start typing on here I jus let it all let loose. So sorry guys! Posted via Mobile Device
What possible reason do you have for not having any friends? WHY do you not get out of the house? Is he abusive? Does he control your money? What's the story?
One of the advantages to working or volunteering is that you would make new friends who wouldn't necessarily encourage you to cheat. Really, what do you do at home all day? I could understand being a stay at home mom, but if you don't have kids, I can understand needing SOMETHING to relieve the boredom. I'm not judging, I'm merely curious.
I'm not saying that your husband is in anyway responsible for you cheating. That's entirely your decision, and it seems like you're owning that. But sometime (hopefully near future) he's going to have to understand his role in a dysfunctional marriage. Forgiving the affair is meaningless if the root causes aren't addressed.
I guess I don't have any friends because I live in a town where I know absolutely nobody and I don't put myself out there to meet people. When my h's cousin was here (he was practically living with us) it was to bad. Cause he turned into like my best friend.. And we would go out tothe bar and I'd be his wing man..lol or just stay at home and watch the football games..but now he is in Iraq for the army and yeah. I have like high school friends on my Facebook but none live near me and I occasionally tally them but not nowhere near where I can tell all this too.
No. He isn't verbally or physically abusive. One time out of frustration he grabbed me by my ankles and he yanked me off the bed when I was laying down. That was the only time ever he of his hands on me. I considered that burried. I mean I slapped him once a long time ago as well. That was only one time as well. But other than that no.
I did have a job at a camp, but the camp ended. Then I got another job but quit when we moved. And like no offense to anyone and I know this is going to sound so insecure but the only job I could get here is like mcdonalds or family dollar or something like that and I feel to good to work there, especially fast food. And like my h has never wanted me to work, not cause he is controlling, he just wants to provide for me.
What do I do at home all day? Absolutely nothing. I wake up at 7 am and I just laze around all day. I go out and I run with my dog. I come back and I think about my run with my dog. Lol. I pick up around the house. I watch tv. And I text will. I stare at my Facebook. So yes. I need to get out of this house.
I was be was be atom doing online classes because I already went to this college and I took the program they have to offer by it's just anvery small college and t doesn't offer much. So I got my child development license but the daycares aren't hiring and I dont have a nice enough place to do a home daycare. Posted via Mobile Device
What do I do at home all day? Absolutely nothing. I wake up at 7 am and I just laze around all day. I go out and I run with my dog. I come back and I think about my run with my dog. Lol. I pick up around the house. I watch tv. And I text will. I stare at my Facebook. So yes. I need to get out of this house.
This sounds extremely boring. Get active. Volunteer, get a job, go to school. I would og crazy if I were home all day doing nothing. I can't even imagine.
Time to be creative. Get off your lazy butt and FIND some way to have a purposeful life. How about this: make up a flyer for a block party, print it, and put it in the mailboxes of everyone on your street. Then, meet whoever shows up.
Then go back to college. Believe me there are a lot of programs out there. Your local community college may have a nursing program. You can be an RN (national median for salary is 63,000), or you can be a paralegal (national median for salary is about 50,000). ANYTHING YOU WANT!!! There are a lot of on-line schools. HOWEVER, you have to do your homework on the school to ensure that it's fully accredited or else any degree or certificate you earn is pretty much worthless. If you think you can't afford college, well...there are pleanty of scholarships out there and grants that you don't have to pay back. You can apply for FAFSA which is Federal Student Aid. You probably qualify for it. But you never know until you try.
I'm all about school, because it was a very important part of my recovery for when I was cheated on by my girlfriend way back when. She said I was lazy and I would never amount to anything. I went to college...A LOT OF COLLEGE ( I found I enjoyed it). Now, I'm successful at my career. I'm not rich by any means, but I'm very comfortable....I guess you can say, I proved her wrong.
Yeah I did a fasfa before I was married and didn't apply for it because my parents made to much money but not enoughto actually pay for it. High school I just messed around and didn't take anything to serious so by the time sholarship time came, I couldn't get any. So had to get student loans which I am still paying off. I def want to go back to school. Just trying to forger out what. Sounds super lame, but you know how on law and order when the parents aren't making the right choices for their kids so they give the kid an person to speak for them like a lawyer but not. I wanna do that. Haha
A block party where I live? I'd be to afraid of what freaks come out. I live in ******* town. Lol Posted via Mobile Device
I def want to go back to school. Just trying to forger out what. Sounds super lame, but you know how on law and order when the parents aren't making the right choices for their kids so they give the kid an person to speak for them like a lawyer but not. I wanna do that. Haha Posted via Mobile Device
Well, That kind of sounds like you want to be a Guardian ad liem, but they're kind of court appointed Social Workers. Social Workers is a career of passion. Because they are definately overworked and underpaid. National Average is between 35,000 and 45,000.
Look don't sell yourself too short. I did okay in High School, but I wasn't getting into Harvard. So, I guess my long time Ex was right...I was lazy and was kicking around dead end jobs. Until she left me for someone else. Then I went to my local college and enrolled. My first college paper I got back, I got an A on. I was so proud of myself that I wanted to get another one, and then another one....needless to say I kicked butt at that college.
Then my boss suggested that I apply to this one University. I said, "no way, that school is too tough to get into." and I left it at that. The following week he came in with an application and told me that I was to fill it out right then and there and he was going to pay the application fee. So, I filled it out and I felt bad that he wasted his money on something that wasn't going to happen.
About a month later, I recieved a letter in the mail from the University. I got accepted into one of the top Universities in the nation for it's academics. I got all misty eyed and had to change my drawers...but you get the point.
Moral of the story, hard work pays off and don't EVER sell yourself short. You see the goal and you go after it. Don't let anything get in your way. Never stop until it's done. Find that motivation!
Your right, I am sorry. I guess I am very cluiqe. I've always been someone to stick to my group of people. Which is probably another reason why I have no friends. Cause I am to much of a beep to go out and meet people. Posted via Mobile Device
Your right, I am sorry. I guess I am very cluiqe. I've always been someone to stick to my group of people. Which is probably another reason why I have no friends. Cause I am to much of a beep to go out and meet people. Posted via Mobile Device
The people who have harmed me the most have been very religious (and white). The people who have turned out to be our best friends in life have all been black (we are white). The people who have turned out to be the nicest and most giving have been from lower income groups. The people who have turned out to be my DD21's better friends have been trailer park residents, from the worst school in town, and dismissed by her other friends as not 'good enough.'
I have a sign at my desk. Two actually:
Everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
and
Under everyone's skin is someone who wants to be loved.
People are where they are simply by luck of birth. WHO they are is all them.
Everyone judges. Even though we know we shouldn't. I guess I'm just more open about it. It's not that I'm rude to people, I'm just not one to go out and meet people. Especially when I live in the middle Of nowhere. Like I was looking things up, we don't even have a humane society. I'm Mexican in a white community, so no race judgements here. Lol
Well my grandparents are in town and I mentioned going to go see them and then my h was like oh ok when we go you can tell them and then pretty much wanted to me to tell them and I said I wasn't doing that. Then he played it off like he was joking but he wasn't. He seriously wants me to tell everyone. I'm thinking there is no need to tell random people. Like what is that going to do? Bring people's thoughts and opinions isn't needed. I'm just like egh. Posted via Mobile Device
He seriously wants me to tell everyone. I'm thinking there is no need to tell random people. Like what is that going to do? Bring people's thoughts and opinions isn't needed. I'm just like egh. Posted via Mobile Device
He wants to feel like you are putting your marriage first instead of your feelings of guilt. My wife outright refuses to tell anyone except for one of her best friends. Even though I've brought it up before, she point blank tells me that she won't tell anyone because it's "our problem." Yes, it is our problem. However, I (and your husband) want to know my wife (you) can own up to what she (you) did. Friends and family may make you feel even guiltier than you already do, but it shows so much that you care about making the marriage work above all else.
Marriage is a constant given and take. Right now you have to give more than your husband can give. He needs to take everything you're doing so he can try to get over the fact that you ignored your vows and went into the arms of another man. If you telling your family what happened will make him feel closer to you through the idea of "wow, my wife loves me so much she is willing to go through the hell of all this for me," then do it. Please.
It seems like you genuinely want to be a good wife, but you ****ed up. Everyone makes mistakes, but it's what we do to rectify those mistakes that makes us who we are.
Mary--sorry but it's time to get off your soapbox.
You fvcked up badly. You need to earn his trust back. And if that means adhering to his requests of telling your mother and family, then so be it.
You have not told because you are ashamed.
You have not told because you are in self-preservation mode, not "Protect my marriage at all costs" mode. It seems you are more concerned with your image and what you can do for YOU than anything else.
You have not told because you are in self-preservation mode, not "Protect my marriage at all costs" mode. It seems you are more concerned with your image and what you can for YOU than anything else.
Look at it this way: If you continue to deny the one thing he needs from you more than anything, you will find yourself ALONE in a few months.
HE WILL LEAVE YOU.
Is that what you're trying to accomplish?
On another note: So you're Mexican in a white town; do you think that you feel like YOU will be judged by them and that's why you haven't tried to make friends?
It sounds like you care more about your image (not telling mom, refusing to take a lower paying job) than taking the steps that can better your life in the long run. Figure out why that is.
Considering your current state of mind, have you looked into becoming a CNA? When I took the course (8 years ago, things may have changed) it was an extremely easy two week class, including clinicals. The cost was only $350 and only the occasional crotchety nurse looked down on me for being a CNA. Posted via Mobile Device
Things this week have been up and down. Havent talked about it at all, because he hasnt want to. Which is understandable. But right now I am lost, I know I am so selfish but I am.
He made menget rid of the dog yesterday. He spread the word around and anwoman came to our door, saw the dog and like and hour later the dog was gone. I seriously cried the whole night long, cried myself to sleep and still crying this second. I seriously feel like my best friend died. And I'm just surprised he actually wanted to get rid of him and I thought he loved the dog like I did. He was like my baby, and I treated that dog like it. Every morning I wake up and that dog is cuddling me. My h is already gone at work and now I feel ever more so lonely. I told my h I wasn't mad at him I was just upset about the dog and he just acted mad throughout the whole evening.
This weekend I am leaving for the weekend to go see wicked with people I used to work with. I debated cancelling it due so me and him could spend the weekend together. (I'll be staying in a hotel) but he just told menus already volunteered to work the weekend. Next week is my birthday so I suggested to like just run away for a weekend and we could jut have unromantic weekend and he at firs liked the idea but then when I went to reserve our hotel room he changed his mind. All he does is play his game and that's the only reason why he doesn't want to go because he would rather play his game. It's just frustrating.
They have can classes twice a year here and I debated doin that but that's just not me. Plus my license got suspended so I am not even supposed to drive so I literally am trapped inside my house. I do not see anything wrong with refusing to work at mcdonalds or something. Like I don't view at people who work there and other places like that badly or even think anything less of them, I worked at fast food all through high school. Done that been there don't wanna go back. Lol Posted via Mobile Device
He made menget rid of the dog yesterday. He spread the word around and anwoman came to our door, saw the dog and like and hour later the dog was gone. I seriously cried the whole night long, cried myself to sleep and still crying this second. I seriously feel like my best friend died. And I'm just surprised he actually wanted to get rid of him and I thought he loved the dog like I did. He was like my baby, and I treated that dog like it. Every morning I wake up and that dog is cuddling me. My h is already gone at work and now I feel ever more so lonely. I told my h I wasn't mad at him I was just upset about the dog and he just acted mad throughout the whole evening.
No offense, but what the hell do you expect your husband to think and feel? You act like death washed over if you lose the dog, but threaten to lose your husband? Oh, I'll go to see Wicked.
So then get a job somewhere else. There are many kinds of jobs.
Re: the dog--I'm not sure why you are surprised. He told you about how he felt awhile ago.
Re: the weekend away at a hotel--I'm not sure that's the best idea considering your husband just found out you cheated on him not too long ago.
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