Wow your ex-friend sounds like a peach of a person based on her response to you - IMO you're better off with a person of that caliber out of your life. You better make sure your H knows EVERYTHING, sounds to me like your exgf might try to mess your marriage up just out of spite. I'd also stop responding to anything I got from anyone (other than your H) regarding this, it will only feed the flames and keep the drama going longer. Put it on ignore and let it die. Focus on your husband and your marriage.
You've done good so far, the only substantive thing I would say you should have done differently is that if you knew your H wanted you to tell you mother you should have. You have to do whatever he needs and seeing you stand up and tell the other people you love and take accountability is a big thing. You need to tell your mom and IMO you need to do it in front of your H. I know that will be hard - I did it - but I think it will mean a lot to your H.
My hat is off to you Mary. You are doing everything right and showing true remorse. Excellent job. I am sure your husband has continued to ask why it happened if you felt so guilty afterwards each time?
How are you different today then you were back then? What have you now done to affair proof your marriage?
Are you worried that your husband may confront Bobbie physically down the line? I think to figure out what your husband needs is to ask yourself if the roles had been reversed, what would you be looking for to make yourself feel better?
I guarantee you that your husband is probably feeling if he was better in bed that you would not have strayed. This is absolutely crushing to to the self image and confidence to any male. It is now you job to show him that this was not case. Keep up the great work.
I would hate to talk trash about the GF because when it wasn't about sex, she was a good friend. I know it's hard to say, but I could talk to her and she was there for me. Well I thought she was. The whole sex thing was wrong, but I still don't hate her for it because I seriously don't blame her even if it was her idea and she was the one who initiated the whole thing with the OM to begin with. I'm the one who went along with it. I'm the one who gave into temptation. But I'm actually feel relieved and happy that our friendship is over, not because of the OM but just because she was jealous over my H...and at times, I had to come over to her house just because she said she missed me and she would get mad if I didn't come over. Even though that sounds crazy, but it was nice to feel wanted that much. Now, I feel stupid for liking the attention and I can't believe I didn't catch the weirdness of it all when it was happening.
No. I was worried the day I told my H about it all. He went over to the house to beat the crap out of Bobby. And I know this sounds awful but I wasn't worried that he was going to hurt Bobby, I was afraid Bobby was going to hurt my H. Bobby has been in and out of jail and told me many times that he isn't afraid to go back, and that actually he would like to go back because he had it easy in there. (Yeah, he is a keeper!) So I knew if Will got into a fight, he would have a stopping point, I'm not sure if Bobby would have that. I am so so thankful Bobby wasn't there.
I know this is a hypacrite thing to say, but if the roles were reversed. I would kick my H's butt and turn around and kick the girl's butt. My H has really surprised me with this whole situation that he is still with me, even if it has only been 2 days since I told him. I've always known he would be there for me, but I never thought it would be like this. I am thankful also for him. I don't know how I would survive without him.
I don't necessarily think Mary's friend is jealous of her marriage. It sounds like she is hurt Mary cut the friendship off after willfully particpating in the threesome with GF and the OM and also sleeping with the OM behind saif friend's back. Now I'm not excusing the GF or saying she is a good person--but I don't think painting her as the evil mean psycho is the thing to do here. She is obviously hurt and maybe she is lashing out this way becaus she realizes how badly this whole ordeal went down/what the consequences of this are and maybe she is p!ssed off she found out Mary slept with her guy behind her back and does not know how to deal with it so she's spewing.
I would avoid her for now. She is obviously very hurt and acting out. If she asks you any questions about what happend with OM behind her back, definitely answer her. She deserves to know the truth, just as your husband does. There is a lot of betrayal here.
I am curious though-why do she (the GF) and her friends say "it's wrong of you to blame" her for cheating. Why are they saying that? How did you word things to them?? Where in your letter to them did you post about blaming them or they are just pulling that out of thin air??? How did you tell the GF you slept with her boyf behind her back? What words did you use? I didn't see either of those things in the part of the letter you posted here. Something is off here...
You are going to feel guilty a lot. Which is good. Cause if you didn't, then you may not have a conscious. Be glad your hub is giving you an opportunity to work through this. You need to do whatever he asks of you. If you think counselling is helpful to you, do it.
Like PB said--find out the why and mkae sure it never happens again. Or you will find yourself in this position again and destroy every relationship you have in your life.
The whole sex thing was wrong, but I still don't hate her for it because I seriously don't blame her even if it was her idea and she was the one who initiated the whole thing with the OM to begin with.
she was jealous over my H...and at times, I had to come over to her house just because she said she missed me and she would get mad if I didn't come over.
These are not the actions of a "good friend" under any circumstance. She is a toxic person bent on bringing other people down to her level of unhappiness.
My wife responded much like your H appears to be. Understand and appreciate how much love that requires of him. I owe my wife a debt I will never be able to repay for the way she treated me after D Day. I knew she loved me before, but I did not understand just how much until after my affair.
I pretty much stole what somebody said in my letter. I know that sounds awful and lame, but it was seriously how I felt and it was just written better than I could have done.
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I'm sending you this message to tell you how sorry I am for the actions that I made. Having sex with Bobby with and without you is something I came to regret and learned that I was bringing myself and my marriage down.
I've made some awful mistakes that have hurt a lot of people, but most importantly, to my husband. I love him and I love my marriage to him. I must focus all my efforts into trying to fix my marriage and support my husband in every way possible. Therefore, I have to end all contact with you both so I can focus on what's truely important in my life.
I blocked you, Bobby, Phill and even your friend Christine from my facebook so I think you understand that I am not interested in anyway to try to make things better with you. I deleted your number and all ways to contact you and I would appreciate if you did the same.
Well you kind of glossed over how you slept with Bobby without her but what's done is done an dyou already sent it.
The GF sounds like she's co-dependent. Or maybe she just really liked your company. I don't think it's right to demonize her as the crazy/jealous/psycho person though after you willfully cheated with her and her guy behind her back.
But I'm actually feel relieved and happy that our friendship is over, not because of the OM but just because she was jealous over my H...and at times, I had to come over to her house just because she said she missed me and she would get mad if I didn't come over. Even though that sounds crazy, but it was nice to feel wanted that much. Now, I feel stupid for liking the attention and I can't believe I didn't catch the weirdness of it all when it was happening.
There's your red flag. A friend who is jealous of your husband Will is actually jealous of your marriage. And while it is true that nobody put a gun to your head to have sex with her and Bobby, she nevertheless instigated the threesome and your subsequent one on one with Bobby knowing full well that such actions on your part could end your marriage for good. Those are NOT the actions of a true friend but are the actions of a true enemy.
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I know this is a hypocrite thing to say, but if the roles were reversed. I would kick my H's butt and turn around and kick the girl's butt.
I beg to differ with you Mary, you really don't know how you'll react until you cross that bridge, especially when you state
I agree with you, I don't think she is crazy/jealous/psycho. Maybe a little bit jealous but that's it. I really don't put any of the blame on her at all. She didn't put a gun to my head or anything. My actions are on me.
I wrote it, and I let my H read it first. I said I was going to send it and I would do whatever to it he wanted me to, and he said to send it as is, so I did.
And I completely agree with you Morituri, I don't know what I would do unless it happened. I just know the way my husband is acting is surprising me. The only thing is I am afraid he is blaming himself. I tell him that it was me and not him that he seriously did nothing wrong, that it was me falling for the attention. It just kills me inside that I know he is being more hard on himself than he is to me.
He told me he told a friend at work and that the friend says that if it would have been him, he would have left me. I know if he tells anyone else, everyone else would say the same thing. It's a hard thing to hear.
And while it is true that nobody put a gun to your head to have sex with her and Bobby, she nevertheless instigated the threesome
Yeah. And Mary intentionally chose to participate and could have said no. And she didn't. So let's not put all the blame on the friend.
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Originally Posted by morituri
and your subsequent one on one with Bobby
I respectfully disagree, Mori. The "subsequent" 5 times Mary had sex with Bobby, it was her choice 100%. The "Friend" wasn't even around those times and had no idea they were having sex behind her back.
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Originally Posted by morituri
I beg to differ with you Mary, you really don't know how you'll react until you cross that bridge, especially when you state
I don't think it really matters. But the GF knew about it 3 times, and we did it behind her back 3 times. So I am assuming she already had an idea that it was going on, but of course I don't know what was going through her mind.
Just because he said he isn't going to leave doesn't mean you can sigh a breath of relief. It's not over by a long shot. If he thinks that you don't need counseling, oh well. Find a therapist anyways. If you start going, it wouldn't surprise me that after a bit of time, the therapist would ask to see you both for a session. So, ultimately, you get him to go to at least one.
Go to the bookstore and find books on how to repair and improve marriages. Let him see that you are STILL being pro-active even when he thinks that you don't need it.
Here's the hard part, when he needs to vent, you let him. He may say some pretty mean and hurtful things to you. This is normal. He wants you to feel the same amount of pain that he's going through right now. So, sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. HOWEVER, if he ever tries to get physically abusive, get out. I'm not saying that he will, but you may endure some abuse because of your actions, but never physical abuse.
You need to constantly re-affirm to him that you love him and your are completely sorry for what you've done. One of my first posts I told you that action speaks louder than words. He doesn't need to hear it, he needs to see it. Don't put it in his face. "LOOK! look what I'm doing!" no need for that, he'll see it without you saying a word.
If he wants you to tell your mom. Then do it. This is called own up to your own sh*t. This was your doing. So, you'll need to put your big girl pants on and fess up to what you've done. Own it. Don't run and hide from it.
Yeah. And Mary intentionally chose to participate and could have said no. And she didn't. So let's not put all the blame on the friend.
Nowhere in my comments do I put ALL the blame of Mary's actions on her 'friend'. What I am putting blame is on the 'friend' seducing Mary to betray her husband. If she had not done that, Mary would not be here. Her 'friend' took advantage of Mary's vulnerable situation with her husband as an opportunity to help destroy Mary's marriage.
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I respectfully disagree, Mori. The "subsequent" 5 times Mary had sex with Bobby, it was her choice 100%. The "Friend" wasn't even around those times and had no idea they were having sex behind her back.
Again Jelly, I am not defending Mary's actions in the least, she is solely responsible for betraying her husband and her 'friend'. But why was it okay for her friend that Mary have sex behind her husband Will's back but not okay for Mary to have sex with Bobby behind her back? Kind of a hypocritical mindset don't you think? It could be argued that the real OM in all of this was her 'friend' and not this Bobby character. Just her reaction to Mary's NC is more akin to a jilted lover's than a normal friend's reaction. Don't believe me? Then read again what Mary said
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Originally Posted by _mary
But I'm actually feel relieved and happy that our friendship is over, not because of the OM but just because she was jealous over my H...and at times, I had to come over to her house just because she said she missed me and she would get mad if I didn't come over. Even though that sounds crazy, but it was nice to feel wanted that much. Now, I feel stupid for liking the attention and I can't believe I didn't catch the weirdness of it all when it was happening.
Correct me if I'm wrong but I get the impression that you think that it is okay for Mary to continue having a relationship with this toxic person. Am I wrong?
What I am putting blame is on the 'friend' seducing Mary to betray her husband. If she had not done that, Mary would not be here. Her 'friend' took advantage of Mary's vulnerable situation with her husband as an opportunity to help destroy Mary's marriage.
Oh I am not saying the Friend is a saint either. She is wrong and should not have invited Mary to a threesome. I just don't think that she's 100% to blame. Mary had a choice. And made it. That does not make her friend a good person though for offering the infidelity.
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Originally Posted by morituri
But why was it okay for her friend that Mary have sex behind her husband Will's back but not okay for Mary to have sex with Bobby behind her back?
I never said that it was ok. I said she willfully participated in a threesome where all parties were on board (the gf, OM, Mary) (betrayal) AND she also participated in sex with the OM behind the girlfriend and her husband's back. Therefore TWO people were betrayed in that instance. It's betrayal all across the board.
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Originally Posted by morituri
Kind of a hypocritical mindset don't you think?
I don't think it's hypocritical at all. She cheated. No matter how you slice it.
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Originally Posted by morituri
It could be argued that the real OM in all of this was her 'friend' and not this Bobby character. Just her reaction to Mary's NC is more akin to a jilted lover's than a normal friend's reaction.
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Originally Posted by morituri
Don't believe me? Then read again what Mary said
I did read what Mary wrote. It an be argued that there are TWO OM in this story (the girlfriend, OM1 and Bobby, OM2).
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Originally Posted by morituri
Correct me if I'm wrong but I get the impression that you think that it is okay for Mary to continue having a relationship with this toxic person. Am I wrong?
Absolutely not. Nowhere did I write the words she should continue having a relationship with this "toxic person." I told her to cut of contact with the gf and Bobby completely. What I am saying is that it's hypocritical to lay the blame on the GF and OM (which you also agreed with). Mary had a choice. And made it. It's like when your wife or my husband told us that the OW/OM was evil/baited them into sex/seduced them, like they had no part in it, no part in the betrayal.
They are ALL wrong. They all fcked up. They were all wrong.
12Likes
Re: i feel guilty but.. 
