One week from D-day, just getting over the shock - what now? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 09-06-2011, 10:34 PM Thread Starter
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One week from D-day, just getting over the shock - what now?

First of all...sooo glad to have found this community.

A bit of info about us: My husband and I are both in our late 20's, been married a little over a year, together for about six. We have been through some crazy, tumultuous **** in the past three years...culminating in our marriage and a first year of marriage that basically kind of sucked, financially especially. We are from different cultures as well...but I really thought that despite our issues, we were relatively happy and 'working on it'...

Well, a week ago today, my husband admitted to me that he had slept with someone else. It was a one night stand and it happened about four months ago. Apparently he went out with some people from work while I was out of town for the weekend, had a few drinks then offered a drunken 'friend of a coworker' a ride to her house.

He came clean because I said that I had noticed a marked change in his behavior over the summer and it seemed like he didn't want to be married. He said, "I have to tell you something...I've been wanting to tell you for months but I couldn't - I couldn't break your heart but I can't hold it in any longer..." and the story came out.

The next day, by mutual agreement, he moved out. I have been really struggling to function without him here - not only was I crushed by this revelation, but I also lost my best friend and the 'comfort' of my home by his leaving. I couldn't eat for several days and in one week I've lost about 12lbs. On the advice of a counselor, I asked him to come back, but he has refused until he sees a counselor. He says he 'needs this time and space to figure himself out'. We have seen each other a few times since...but not for more than an hour or two at a time.

He says that it was a one time thing (with no contact afterward) and that he has regretted it since (evidenced by his behavior change - suddenly smoking, sick to his stomach all the time, avoiding being around me, no sex drive, etc.) but that he was too afraid to tell me - afraid to hurt me and afraid he would lose me forever. Since he told me, he seems to have been very proactive about wanting to fix things - he got an appointment with a counselor, went and got tested and talked to a doctor about his feelings (they think he has depression) and we are planning to see a marriage counselor once he sees his counselor on his own. He says he wants to be with me but he doesn't think he deserves me because I am too good for him.

I am totally shellshocked by this situation. He's shy! This kind of behavior is NOT HIM at all!!! I don't think he's ever picked up a girl in a bar in his whole life. He seems genuinely sorry for what he did and he really seems to want to make things right...

And yet...I am wavering between 'I love him and want to work this out' and 'how dare he do this to me'...

Well...I guess that's it. That's our story. As sick as it is to say this, it feels good to find out I'm not alone in my suffering through this...
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 09-06-2011, 10:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: One week from D-day, just getting over the shock - what now?

Oh...and he has his appointment with a counselor tomorrow...I'm so nervous. I hate uncertainty. I was so ready for my life to finally just be 'normal' and routine...and now everything I thought I knew has been shaken...ugh...

thanks for reading anyway...
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 09-06-2011, 11:38 PM
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Re: One week from D-day, just getting over the shock - what now?

hi, i am so sorry youre going through this, i know how you feel. My husband of 9 years, together 17, did this also. I found out 6 months ago. My husbands affair started out as emotional and they slept together 3 times in the space oof a week. He ended it very soon afterwards and then she played the only card she had and said she was pregnant! He then confessed all to me and like you it was a total shock to me as he is also very shy and this was so out of character. We have been together since we were 15 so i know him really well.
The fact that your husband told you, i think, is a good thing, as he could have kept it a secret, so he knows he done really wrong. YOu should also take this time to focus on yourself and what you want while you are apart. Its a really horrible feeling going through this but just take a moment and breathe and think long and hard. He had a one night stand, which is so different in my opinion to an actual long term affair. It sounds like you still love each other.
My husband is also suffering with depression out of all this. It has really damaged him personally as he thought he was the type of person who would never cheat.
Take each day as it comes, make no plans yet for the future, focus on yourself. Im 6 months down the road, and its still very rocky some days. But we know we love each other and want to make it work. It can be done. stay strong
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