09-06-2011, 10:34 PM
Join Date: Sep 2011
| | One week from D-day, just getting over the shock - what now?
First of all...sooo glad to have found this community.
A bit of info about us: My husband and I are both in our late 20's, been married a little over a year, together for about six. We have been through some crazy, tumultuous **** in the past three years...culminating in our marriage and a first year of marriage that basically kind of sucked, financially especially. We are from different cultures as well...but I really thought that despite our issues, we were relatively happy and 'working on it'...
Well, a week ago today, my husband admitted to me that he had slept with someone else. It was a one night stand and it happened about four months ago. Apparently he went out with some people from work while I was out of town for the weekend, had a few drinks then offered a drunken 'friend of a coworker' a ride to her house.
He came clean because I said that I had noticed a marked change in his behavior over the summer and it seemed like he didn't want to be married. He said, "I have to tell you something...I've been wanting to tell you for months but I couldn't - I couldn't break your heart but I can't hold it in any longer..." and the story came out.
The next day, by mutual agreement, he moved out. I have been really struggling to function without him here - not only was I crushed by this revelation, but I also lost my best friend and the 'comfort' of my home by his leaving. I couldn't eat for several days and in one week I've lost about 12lbs. On the advice of a counselor, I asked him to come back, but he has refused until he sees a counselor. He says he 'needs this time and space to figure himself out'. We have seen each other a few times since...but not for more than an hour or two at a time.
He says that it was a one time thing (with no contact afterward) and that he has regretted it since (evidenced by his behavior change - suddenly smoking, sick to his stomach all the time, avoiding being around me, no sex drive, etc.) but that he was too afraid to tell me - afraid to hurt me and afraid he would lose me forever. Since he told me, he seems to have been very proactive about wanting to fix things - he got an appointment with a counselor, went and got tested and talked to a doctor about his feelings (they think he has depression) and we are planning to see a marriage counselor once he sees his counselor on his own. He says he wants to be with me but he doesn't think he deserves me because I am too good for him.
I am totally shellshocked by this situation. He's shy! This kind of behavior is NOT HIM at all!!! I don't think he's ever picked up a girl in a bar in his whole life. He seems genuinely sorry for what he did and he really seems to want to make things right...
And yet...I am wavering between 'I love him and want to work this out' and 'how dare he do this to me'...
Well...I guess that's it. That's our story. As sick as it is to say this, it feels good to find out I'm not alone in my suffering through this...