Houstondad

I know Dr.Sparkle started a thread trying to figure out Mars, so I wanted to start one about Venus. So ladies! For those of you who became the WW, what did your husband do that helped put you on the path of recionciliation? Or what did he do wrong? My wife is currently living in another state with her cousin and looking for work. Her affair is dead, but she still is not into "working on the marriage" and that her love for me is still not there. I sort of hoped that once the affair was dead and the grieving process was complete that the fog would lift. Either the grief is still there (it's been 2-3 months) or...? I know all relationships, men, and women are not the same and react differently to methods, situations, etc. But I was curious if there happens to be a method that happens to be more commonplace that works than others?

Jellybeans

Houston--there is no "method" that makes someone want to reconcile a relationship or not. Either they want to, or they don't.

I can assure you that crying/begging/pleading will have the opposite effect of what you want. Every time.

In my situation, I had an affair, I left though it was not because of or for the A. I barely spoke to OM after I separated from my husband. My ex was very much emotionally distant from me and emotionally abusive as well at times. I'd been asking him to go to MC with me forever and he would not bite. He refused to hear me out, to listen to me about what I felt were Major Problems, blanking me sometimes for days/weeks at a time. I would literally cry myself to sleep at night because of how sad and alone I felt in my marriage. I did want to reconcile, fix things. He wanted me to sign something for him or else he said he'd file divorce. I signed and he had still filed. That to me, said it all. Now, while he wantd a D, he also wanted to "stay together" post-divorce, as a couple, just not married. I was not ok with that. It just showed me, again, that I wasn't a priority for him and I was always going to be in our relationship by myself. A very lonely way to live.

Forsaken

My W wasn't remorseful, didn't try to R, continually lied to me, was selfish and swept everything under the rug for 10 months. I caught her in another lie and said I want a divorce, now she is doing everything I needed and wanted her to do a long time ago, though I fear it might be to late because I set conditions as to what I would do if she kept everything up and I let it all slide and now I feel like I have to take action or else I'll just prove that I am a doormat.

I don't know what you can do to get your W to come around. Everyone can sit here and tell you things to do that work for the majority of people but when it comes down to it humans are just to complicated. Everyone is different, people react to things/situations differently.

I guess my best advice would be to just continue being you, she fell in love with you for a reason.

it-guy

I agree with this. I believe the only reason that my WW decided to reconcile was because of the way I handled myself post D-Day. She saw my true colors so to speak. I guess she liked what she saw.

Plus, you have to imagine that when a woman is about to suddenly lose her family and the affair partner has rejected her....she will probably choose to reconcile. That could be just a temporary thing until someone better comes along, or a lasting decision.

It comes down to the people and the situation.

Hijo

IT-Guy: Can you elaborate on what those "true-colors" are?

HurtinginTN

Well, Forsaken, I have a doctorate in being a doormat. I don't know what I would do if I was in your shoes. It's like you take the buildup over time. Each lie adds to the burden on your back. At some point, that extra lie breaks the camel's back. Once it is broken, does taking away all of the weight heal the back? I don't know. But, if you do decide to try to reconcile, I would not call that being a doormat. It takes one to know one, as they say. I was a doormat in not ending things months ago when the affair just continued. Now that your wife seems genuinely remorseful, the doormat label would not fit. IMHO

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Forsaken

I guess I would still feel like a doormat because these EAs aren't the first, there have been others before, this was just the worst of them all and this time it was with 3 OM instead of just one. This time there was a lot more lies and deception and as far as I know a lot more communication though I can't prove that because I have absolutely no clue how much she has talked to any other guys, she was on her own cell phone plan before Feb 2010.

I feel that if I decide to continue on with my M and R, I will only be setting myself up for failure because this has happened so much that I don't feel it will ever truely stop. I have this overwhelming feeling that I would be back on here again in about 2 years from now with another issue, and at that point I'd really have no one to blame but myself.

At some point you have to stand up for yourself and let people know that you are serious and that you aren't going to take it anymore. I feel like I've gone beyond that point. I really cannot go through this ever again, I'm a complete wreck, I'm destroyed. I've allowed this behaviour to go on for to long with nothing but empty threats.

You are right, my W does seem genuinely remorseful, unfortunately this isn't the first time she has seemed to be genuinely remorseful... It sucks that it took 10 months of lies and deceit and then me saying I want a D for her to become genuinely remorseful. I'll tell ya what, she didn't seem genuinely remorseful 3 1/2 weeks ago when she looked me in the eyes and lied to me again about these EAs..

HurtinginTN

I know how you feel. The lies are worse than the cheating, in my opinion. My stbxw has looked me dead in the eye and denied things with the proof in my pocket. I don't envy your position. Take your time, brother. You don't have to decide today. By the way, I don't know if I've ever told you. Thank you for your service to our country. I am a veteran myself.

__________________
Feed the good wolf, Book to help kids of divorce, Just Let Them Go
Successful Reconciliation Story
Welcome to new posters

Wingsoflove

I know that I've messed up. I was young and stupid when the first of the betrayals happened and that stupidity stayed with me for a long time. I know that I have hurt you in many ways than one. I have shattered your being. I know its only been 3 1/2 weeks since I lied, I thought I was protecting you. but I'm on the right path. I'm doing what I can to work on me and us.

When my H first confronted me about the EAs, I was in denial. Denial for a while actually. I wanted to R when I realized how horrible I'd been. The messed up thing is that I wanted to R the whole time I was lying. I was scared of telling my H. Keep it hidden, sweep it under the rug, it will all go away... NOT!! I kept spoon feeding that crap to myself everyday.. the day he told me he wanted a D.. wow.. its like the clouds parted. WTF was I doing?! Yes he found out on his own. Yes he had to ask me questions. Yes he had to hound me for the answers. I'm done lying, I'm done hiding. I realized that this man, this man who'd I'd basically grown up with, the man I had given my heart and soul and his to me. The man I fell in love with, the man who could make me laugh, especially with his dinosaur roar , everything my H means to me. I took him for granted. He'd given me everything, stayed by my side when I got sick, when bad and good things would happen. And I walked all over that. I see now how stupid I've been, how ridiculously selfish. I hate how it took me over 10 months to see this.

MrQuatto

This is almost word for word how it worked with my WW and me.


I confronted her on multiple occasions and each incident was double talked away with a healthy dose of sex to help smooth over the situation of the moment...until D Day. It took my having the proof in hand before the truth came out. And as many have said, the lies were what hurt worse than the affair itself.

We are now 3 years into R, and the D Day anniversary is her birthday so THAT is just grand

I can honestly say it has only been in the last 6-9 months that the niggling voice in my head eased up on being suspicious. It was a hard, long road and we made mistakes along the way for sure. I am not convinced even today, that I made all the proper demands and right requirements. However things are going along well and there has been no "Signs" of trouble.

I will say though, that I will never open myself up to her as far as I did when I no reason to not fully trust her.

Q~

MrQuatto

One thing I have noticed is that it seems, sometimes, to be a no win scenario on how you acted or how your nature was in the past.

If you are laid back, allowing full trust and freedom, it seems we are labeled as a door mat, emotionally distant, checked out of the marriage non supportive or "Distant"

If you hold your ground, voice issues, concerns and suspicions, you are labeled as controlling, jealous, overbearing and callous.

If your both, your mental, BPD or hot and cold.

I think it continues to be the age old case of you take what you have for granted and WANT what you don't have.

Q~

it-guy

The day of and a couple weeks past D-Day Were horrible for me. We all know how that feels on this board. You are just a shattered shell of a person. All you have left is survival instinct and defense mechanisms. What you actually are is totally stripped to your core. There is no BS….no “façade” that you show the world. What you see is what you get in other words.

So, what you do in those moments reflect who you really are deep down inside. Your wayward spouse is going to see you for who you really are if you stick around and allow them to see it.

During this time I was indeed crushed, crying, confused, hurt, and devastated. But, I was relatively calm. I did not yell or scream. I did not make a bunch of wild and false accusations. I did not go scorched earth and expose the affair to everyone in my life. I was not physically or verbally abusive. I was not seeking payback or revenge of any sort.

I talked to her. I listened to her. I was as patient as could be expected (trickle truth). When I confronted her about the PA with proof (she had lied about it previously), she told me what happened….and then I hugged her without saying a word. Minutes later we burned the proof of that PA (a journal) together.

I showed her that even though I was completely destroyed, I wanted nothing more than to reconcile. I showed her that I loved her with all my heart.

A lot of your “doormat” alarms may be going off. For those people I will add that I was firm with my requests for details. When I had proof of something we were going to have that conversation and nothing was going to interrupt or delay it. I have also been quite firm that I will never go through this ever again.

It is all a balance. I'm lucky that I turned out to be who I was. I previously had no idea how I would react to a situation like this. It was a lesson learned about myself. If I had been crual or hateful, she would have walked. And if I had walked I would have never come back. Glad things have worked out this way.