WH was emailing OW mother....WTF??? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-10-2011, 01:13 AM Thread Starter
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WH was emailing OW mother....WTF???

So, I found emails between my H and the OW mother....seriously WTF??? He is deployed in Iraq and says that her mom was sending care packages. But the emails I saw never really mentioned care packages...except that he had the drawings from her little brothers (who happen to be younger than our children!!!) and he was asking about their family happenings- bday parties, weekend plans and stuff. Really????? This was during a time (Feb/Mar this year) when he was not emailing or calling us at all. He asked me for a divorce, told me to make it legal- um, yeah like I was going to do this quicky divorce and just move (which is what he expected). Well, he was telling us he was working 18 hour days, he was spending hours at lunch with OW, emailing her mom multiple times a day and ignoring HIS family!!
So my question, this all happened during the FOG.....I am trying to get the images out of my head, but I just can't. We have been working on R since May 11. He refuses to take OW off his skype acct (which I have no access to) and basically wants me to trust him.
OW is out of Iraq now, he is still there and the kids and I are in the states. She is far from us and him, but I still have a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I just hate that he ruined our family and now does not see the real affect it had on the kids, who he still does not call or email. He calls me almost daily but is real short on the phone, says he needs to get to bed (but I still wonder what he is really doing).
How naive am I being? I feel like blind trust is not an option, but he is being very difficult. When I asked him questions about stuff he says that he had asked for a divorce and at THAT TIME he was convinced that was what he wanted. I asked him straight out if he still did and he said "no!" and the way he said it, I do believe him (after 15 years, I do know him well).
Advice please.

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-10-2011, 05:17 AM
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Re: WH was emailing OW mother....WTF???

He is playing a game , is starting to set up his life without you.

Don't play his games.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-10-2011, 06:56 AM
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Re: WH was emailing OW mother....WTF???

have you told to his parents/family? do not be in his games. think about your family only excluding him.
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-10-2011, 09:24 AM
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Re: WH was emailing OW mother....WTF???

Originally Posted by Eli-Zor View Post
He is playing a game , is starting to set up his life without you.

Don't play his games.

Real women don't want flowers and chocolate.
They want vodka and Taco Bell.
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-10-2011, 10:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: WH was emailing OW mother....WTF???

Originally Posted by useable View Post
have you told to his parents/family? do not be in his games. think about your family only excluding him.
Oh yes, I told his Mom everything! She was in shock. She could not believe that he was contacting the OW mom....especially when he had completely stopped communication with me and our kids and also his own parents. He says he has not contacted the OW mom in months and now that the OW is no longer deployed that they have not talked. I do not believe him one bit.
When I read the words he wrote, it sounds like a teenager. It is disgusting. He told her mom that her daughter is "the bees knees" and he just wants to get to know her. WTH? This is an almost 36 yr old man talking about this 26 yr old. He never mentions his kids to her and she talks to him as if he has no body supporting his a$$. I am here taking care of our 3 kids and he has the nerve!!!
ALL of our friends know. His friends know and I won't lie for him. He does not know how many people I have told- but he will. He should be ashamed of himself and I hope that when he finds out how many people have lost respect for him- he can't even own a mirror.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-10-2011, 01:02 PM
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Re: WH was emailing OW mother....WTF???

He sounds like my husband. He told me that I should trust him because HE says so. That I should trust him because he said he was not longer talking to her. After having that big blow out where he told me I was crazy and was going to make myself sick worring about something that was over, the nxt day (because I hid a recorder in his car) found out that he was still talking to her, in fact he never stop. He just went and got another phone and hid it in his car. DON"T TRUST HIM. He won't tske her of the skype becausee he is still talking with her. You already know what the truth is because just like you said you feel it in your gut. Start setting your life up for you and your kids and GET EVERYTHING you are intitled to pluse some if you can. Because he is in fact putting his new life in place with out you and the kids. DON'T TRUST HIM. TRUST GOD AND YOUR SELF!!!!
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-10-2011, 01:06 PM
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Re: WH was emailing OW mother....WTF???

Just another voice to the chorus - he's still involved with her. Don't believe a word coming out of his mouth. Believe only his actions. It's up to him to prove he's being above board, it is not up to you to take his word for it.
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-24-2012, 08:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: WH was emailing OW mother....WTF???

Of course you were all right!!! I finally got the nerve it took to take action! On the 29th of November- yes it took a looooong time, but I prayed and I was trusting my gut to tell me the time was right. Yes, to me timing was everything and it was right when my aunt called me about a dream she had. I had asked her to break into his secret email account- I found out about it by looking on his iPod. Well, I went in to gmail with his user name and although I did not know the password, knowing him for 20+ years ....ummm, I knew every answer to the secret questions of course!!! Knowing these would allow me to change the password.
Long story short she had a dream, her computer locked up and would not let her type. She called me and said she had this strong feeling I had to do it myself. She stayed with me on the phone because that was the only gut feeling I needed to act.
I found all the communication, google voice phone log and everything.
4 months later, things are better....we are doing well with R. I will tell you that had he not reacted the way he did with true remorse, I was already packing by the time he called me when he found out that I had seen it all. He tried to log in and realized the password was changed- he was still deployed so there was a time change. He was fast asleep and I was printing like crazy. Saved everything and even made a disk to give to a friend for safe keeping.
I am thankful he wants to save the marriage and without his complete effort, it would not have happened.
There is hope for those of you suffering through this. It is very hard and I will not lie, we have had late nights, long cries and many times of silence...but now during the silence he holds me while I cry and I feel better.
Good luck to all of you, I pray you all feel the hope and peace I feel now.
And a big thank you to everyone who helped me through the worst time of my life, living while he was in the fog. Being here helped me more than I can say- I knew what to expect every step of the way and knew how to react....or better not to react to each phase of this.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-28-2012, 09:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: WH was emailing OW mother....WTF???

Originally Posted by canuckprincess View Post
Why in hell would you stay married to this man? Not what you wanna hear but let's face it he has moved on and is playing you. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and remember its him not you. He's selfish and is only thinking about his own needs. Your and your children deserve better. You know very well that you can and never will be able to trust him again. I get so angry when woman allow men to do this to them, if you don't love yourself enough to kick him to the curb do it for your kids. It's better to be from a broken home then to live in one.
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Of course I would say the same thing and give that advice- before it happened to me. I am NOT making excuses for him, but with the help of our chaplain and reading the book "Torn Asunder" together....yes we are both reading it and doing the workbook. On Dday, I knew in my heart that I had found out exactly what I needed in order to end the marriage and move on. I was committed to that, until I found out that he had true remorse, he wasn't just sorry he got caught- oh believe me that was not pretty, the confrontation. It may have been on the phone from around the world, but I did not hold back and him being there was actually exactly what he needed. He immediately wrote the NC letter....and part of the healing for me was for him to not only send it to her, but also her mother. Well, of course her mother did not know he was married with a family. I am sure she dealt with her daughter in a similar way that a BS would that was just given the news. How do I know? Because I called the OW. I know some do not think it is a good idea, it worked for me. Well, having their careers in my hand and the threat of hanging them both helped too. But I realized with clarity that I would not force that hand and back my H into a corner to stay with me, but threatening his career. Why would I want a marriage other than the two of us WANTING to be together?!?!
Healing from an A takes time, lots of time. It is hard. We are both in it for the long haul, because we want to rebuild. Every marriage is different, not all WS show remorse, not all BS want to work on rebuilding. As Dday approached, I did not want R. No way did I think it possible, I wanted the truth so that I would be ok with D.
I am teaching my boys with this, they see the destruction that infidelity causes, they know how it shakes security to the core and the pain it causes. I am convinced that teaching them mercy and forgiveness is giving them a wonderful foundation for their future. Do not get me wrong, they are old enough to know that it is not easy, it takes work and that we are committed to each other as husband and wife- we happen to be parents. Long after our boys are grown, we want to share our future together.
Before Dday, you are right....he was living a lie and pulling the wool over my eyes. That is not the case today.
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 06-27-2012, 02:33 PM
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Unhappy Re: WH was emailing OW mother....WTF???

He told me that I should trust him because HE says so. That I should trust him because he said he was not longer talking to her.

When I listened to my gut and asked my husband if he was cheating on me, he used to say, "Noooo. I am not cheating on you. You have nothing to worry about. I will tell you if you have to worry. Besides, who would want me?"

I wanted him. And so did many, many other women. He was having multiple EAs and pushing hard for a PA with a coworker. She has since left the office, but there is a party in two weeks that she will be attedning. If he tells me, "I need to work late", or "I am going to get together with the gang tonight" I will show up after he leaves the house. SURPRISE!

He has supposedly cut her off. We are seeing a marriage counselor. I still have MAJOR trust issues, and the fact that he did not even tell me about this party is gnawing at me. I will wait and see. Maybe he has told the person throwing the party that he will not be attending and he chooses not to tell me, as I would get all torqued up. That is possible. Time will tell.

Now when my husband asks me why I still think he is out there "fishing" for other women, I say, "For years you told me I had nothing to worry about, when I did. Everyone at work knew you were stepping out. We went from one work function to another and your coworkers all looked at me as the pathetic, hapless wife. Trust is going to take a long time."

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