brokenmilguyAZ

Hello all, well I would like to give you some background. Im a Military Member thats been active duty for 13 years and married for 3.5 years. I am currently deployed and have been overseas since mid July 2011. My wife moved back to her hometown for help with our daughter who is 1 around the beginning of August. Well within 30 days of her being home she was cheating with her ex bf and well got pregnant as well. she did have the balls to tell me but now i have 4 months left over here to deal with this ****. I caught them making out and fondling back in October and forgave her since she said she didnt mean for it to happen. now the question is what the hell do I do. Divorce her since i cannot raise a child that isnt mine. Also dont even bring up could it be mine. there isnt a hint of a possibility and she also admits its his. He bailed on her and left the state and now shes there stressed beyond belief waiting for me to figure out what to do. I love her so much and want to be a family but ive read post after post where it never worked out after the spouse cheated. abortion isnt an option for her adoption might however if im gonna leave anyways she should just keep the child. I want custody of my daughter becasue of her infidelity and my wife doesnt have a job and hasnt since beginning of 2010. so i am the sole source of income. but since im active duty the courts have a hard time giving full custody to active duty members. so becasue of her mistake im stuck to live life unhappy without my daughter and raising her daily and being there for her or stay with her and there be no trust and posiblly seperate and her get half my retirement in the end anyways. I need some support on what I should do. Just when i think i have my mind made up i change it. she and my daughter would be living on welfare and struggling and i cant bare to think my daughter would grow up like that. The relationship was pretty decent of course our ups and downs. but up till i left it was damn near perfect. finally worked through our communication issue. and now shes says shes really sorry but wants to be a family for our daughter. what on earth do i do?

newlife94

Wow, I am so sorry to hear your story. I am on the opposite end...my H is deployed and cheated downrange. We have children and it bothers me beyond belief. Thankfully they are older and I do work, so I have income. Please don't think that you have to stay with her just to be a family- it does not make it easier on your daughter. I have been thinking....do I really want to stay with him (he asked for R back in May) and always wonder if he is going to do it again. I don't want to spend any amount of time feeling so insecure in my relationship that it takes a toll on my mental state (which it is right now). I wanted to R, but really have changed my mind recently. He just does not realize the impact of what he has done. If she had not gotten pregnant, would she have admitted the A? Is she sorry because he left town or because she loves you? If she kissed him before and got caught, but did it again....well. I feel the same way about my H, he won't stop contact with OW- says she is a "friend" and was his only "friend" for over 3 months. WTH?
I am worth more than he has to offer, even he admits that I am a better woman than he is a man--because I was willing to R. Well, he is still deployed and I have had much time to think. Spend your 4 months to work on you and how you feel--concentrate on your daughter and come up with your plan. Child support and she can get a job. Your daughter will still have military benefits so you should not worry about her being taken care of, there are plenty of resources.
Good luck and hang in there. Thank you for your service!!! At least there are honest, respectable Soldiers downrange and not all are cheating on their wives.
I am a better person for this....and much stronger than I ever thought.

newlife94

Also, custody is a possibility for you....with a family care plan, you could easily get custody. It depends on what your deployments look like in the near future and how much family support you have. Good luck.

Hijo

Newlife: If he is refusing NC, then I don't believe the affair is done with. Sorry.

Broken: Thank you for serving. I am so sorry for your circumstances, like you need one more thing to worry about besides getting injured right?

Does she have family to support her and her new baby?

Baby adoptions are much easier than older kids. She may resent you for making her give it up though, so would be tough on any reconciliation.

With you being away for another 4 months though, if it were me, I would D her ass and sue for custody (you don't get anything unless you try!). That of course is me. I'm not you.

Have you spoken with a chaplain/counselor?

newlife94

I agree, which is why I am NOT in for R. He and I have tried to talk, he gets mad and defensive....I am already checked out. I have been using this time to get myself taken care of. With him deployed it is easy to distance myself and now that I am over the initial emotional response I am able to completely focus. I have a family to take care of, he made his choice, I am making mine. He is not 100% on board and I am 100% convinced I want more than this. I have decided that ultimatums just get me more heartache and I don't want or deserve the drama. There are way too many people who know what he was doing and it is embarrassing.
Sadly for him, he is losing 1/2 his retirement....again, he made that choice not me.

brokenmilguyAZ

My deployments are pretty heavy and i have no real support system. I mean my parents would take care of my daughter in a heartbeat however where she is now she has her family there. the military has distanced me from my family and i have given up so much to be with her. my daughter is my #1 nothing more. I feel bad leaving and potentially leaving my daughter as well and only getting visitation rights. keep in mind I currently stationed in AZ and she would have my daughter 1000 miles away. breaks my heart knowing i wont be there with her (daughter). the OM was her ex from Highschool. we also have a 7 year age gap. me being the oldest obviously since this was childish. Im willing to start over. let the house forclose thats in her name since i pay on it. let her car get repoed since her name is on it. and start my life over. im a strong willed man. i spoke with a chaplin on a few ocasions and i get the same response. god will show me the way. well damnit lets get on with it. im so frustrated because i want to be nice to her but a part of me wants to emotionally drain her. but she is pregnant with a guy that will never take care of his kid. its easy to be a father of a child but another thing to really be a DAD and thats what i want to be to her.

Eli-Zor

Firstly thanks for your service and sorry you are here due to what is happening at home.

There are a few items I will cover from experience and feedback from OM's (other man - the one having an affair with your wife) , waywards ( your wife) and the betrayed spouse (you). Some of it may be tough reading for you.

you mentioned

This is a lie on her part , she did mean it to happen. Ex's are bad news and she knows this. He slept with her because she was willing, it is unlikely he wanted to make her pregnant.

She fell pregnant, what about contraception? mistakes happen , your wife knew the risk and went ahead and had sex with him.

Does the OM know your wife is pregnant?
If he does who told him?
If she told him , she did so because she expects him to carry her off so she can live in happy ever after land.
If she has not , then no one must tell him until you have decided what happens next.

Is the OM married or engaged?

Is she in any way in contact with him, directly or indirectly?

These are some of the options:

1. Abort the child
2. Give the child up for adoption
3. Stay married and bring up the child as yours
4. Stay married to your wife doing either item 1. & 2.
5. Divorce your wife


There are cases where the BS can accept the child as his and the marriage recovers however from the dozen or so I know of it is very rare it is successful, it only works if the wayward does her everything to work on the marriage and love for her husband.

From the cases I have seen where the OM is involved there has been an even lower rate of success in saving the marriage.

Despite many views you may receive from posters, friends or family , the OM has no say while the baby is in her womb. He does have a say once the child is born and if he chose to do a paternity test , experience says those that do this will interfere with the marriage.

I suggest you start with putting the options in writing for yourself to decide.

Do the same with your wife. Do not guide her on the answers, she must state in writing to you what she wants.

You must assume she has a plan to run away and play happy families with the OM, you are the fallback guy so she is trying to understand what your next steps are, this is part of the wayward script so please do not be fooled and don't let her play with your emotions.

I read
I am pro-life however why is abortion not an option, she has no moral compass already so why would she have one when it comes to abortion. Sadly from the cases I know of , this choice is the most effective way of saving the marriage.

The adoption route tends to have many issues around it, I would recommend taking it out as an option.

If you are to consider remaining married there are only two options , either she aborts the child or you accept the child as yours. If you choose the last one, regardless what anyone says , the OM is never to be involved in your life, is never to be in contact with your wife , and has no contact with the child ever. Often OM's use the contact with the child to restart the affair.


You are in limbo, and this could drag on for a long time. If you think there is a remote chance of you accepting the child as yours and remaining married then start by accepting the baby as a future member of your family.

If marriage is still on, have her sign a post nuptial agreement. She gives away all her rights to your pension and current and future assets. It is the message of her signing it that counts not the monetary value.


Expose the affair, you must tell her parents and yours. This is to protect you from her blaming you.

brokenmilguyAZ

Eli i really appreciate the info. well about the OM. she told him when she found out she was pregnant and had several pregnancy tests and a docs visit. she told me the same day she told him "supposedly". he told her to get an abortion and he also doesnt have a pot to piss in or window to throw it out of. he left town and "supposedly" she hasnt heard a word from him. she went to his home to tell him that he has runined her marriage and her family. among other things for all i know but he wasnt there. Military members shouldnt have to go through this **** and the story holds true. if the military wanted you to have a wife they would have issued her to you. guess JODY got another one. thanks for the help

newlife94

I know what you mean....I am willing to start over as well. I make a damn good army wife, dedicated and willing to do what it takes, but I am not willing to sell my soul for this A. He made his choice, I am not scared of what the future holds for me- I am the one that was faithful and here sending care packages, letters of encouragement and worrying. All the while, he was lying about his work hours and it is disgusting to think he was using time he could have dedicated to his family. When he comes home and the unit marches in, the Soldiers are all greeted by their families and he is standing there alone- it is sad, but he earned that feeling. It pains me to think that any Soldier would not be greeted upon arriving home, but there are those that don't deserve it.
Your service will not be held against you in court for custody, I work family issues for the Army as a civilian and there are many resources for you if you do want custody. Your wife will have to take care of herself and decide what to do with the unborn child, she made the choice for the A.
Sad as it is, you should be able to focus on your mission and not worry about this mess. I am truly sorry you have to go through this.

newlife94

There are AWESOME military wives out here! Those of us that are dedicated and willing to sacrifice ....don't lose hope. She was not the one, but that doesn't mean that there is not one out there. Hang in there. Have you heard about the free counseling services from militaryonesource.com? It is an alternative from the chaplain just in case you would like another perspective.
Tricare also has online chats with services and you can access it from downrange on the website.

Eli-Zor

Maybe, though I doubt it, I suspect she told him first then considered what to do next as his answer was not what she wanted to hear. She came back to you, the fallback guy.


Yip , they normally do, if she remains with you and has the baby , there is a very good chance he will be back using the baby as an excuse.

I doubt it, she is likely to still be in contact with him, you cannot believe a word a wayward says.

She chose to sleep with him , she ruined the marriage. The fact she went to his house tells us she is still chasing him and hopes there is a future with him. This is normal for waywards it is called the fog, they fantasize about the OM as being all perfect.

Unfortunately you have few choices in this, divorce is very painful often more than remaining married. Key to remaining married is what is your wife prepared to do in words and deeds.

What has she done to date.

An example is her writing him a no contact letter, her writing a letter to all her family and yours acknowledging her adultery and commitment to you. Her taking proactive steps to protect your marriage and evidence every day of her life that you and you alone are the one she loves. This would be a lifelong task for her.

brokenmilguyAZ

new thank you for the encouragement however. you talk of the homecoming. mine will share the same as your Husband. i will get off the plane to see noone. my daughter will not be there and nor will my then 7 month pregnant by another man. I couldnt stand to see her upon my return. so i to will serve my country honorably as i have for the past 13 years in the Air Force. this is my 6th deployment since ive joined and have never felt the warm greeting when i get home. since all my ex gf couldnt wait for me and left and now my wife did this to me. so i will be standing alone as well since i cannot forgive her nor do i want to see her under these circumstances. but thank you for your kind words means alot that there are people behind me.

DanF

If you decide to stay with her, I doubt this will be the only time that she sees another while you're gone. I am retired military and have seen this all too often.
My advice: Divorce her, seek full custody in court and make arrangements for child care until you retire or decide to get out of the AF.

Initfortheduration

Patience is required my friend. I believe a mixture of a couple of posts maybe an option. Give her the post nup right away. No pension no custody. You are going to be on active duty for another 7 years at least. If you don't have sex with her, she will have sex with someone else. Then bingo custody and pension protected. As I said it will require patience.

useable

this lady deserves nothing than divorce. instead of selling her ass to the son of a ***** OM, she already preg. with his baby.

fight for full custody for your daughter and never consider any reconciliation. her A is a humliation for you