i need help a.s.a.p. wifes emotional affair.
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-13-2011, 10:51 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default i need help a.s.a.p. wifes emotional affair.

My wife is in an emotional affair that has lasted about 4months..I think I have went about this all wrong judging by some of the posts I have read so far..there are a lot of similarities and differences in them all so I need some help of my own..their relationship started like most, just friends, however I noticed that the amount of txt messages on the phone bill was getting more and more and she always deleted them as if hiding something..I of course confronted her and the usual "just friends" and "you can't tell me who I can be friends with" came out..after the texting and facebook messaging went on for what I felt was too long without any explanation I decided to put a keylogger on the computer so I could see what they talked about..I ended up finding a message talking about wanting to have sex with eachother..I confronted her about it and of course she says it was all just talk and she would never go through with it..she assured me that she wouldn't talk to him ever again and that it got out of hand..as far as I know she didn't have any contact with him for about a month and she got a text from him one day and its been back on ever since..and its gotten progressively worse..I found out she has an app on her phone that she can txt him without showing up on phonebill..she says she needed time to think and figure things out so she went to stay at her sisters and ended up meeting up at his place..she says it hasn't been sexual but all I've ever got was half-truths and the only time she admits anyhing is if I have solid proof..this is where I think I took the wrong path..I have told her over and over that I can forgive her for almost anything and if she is will we can make it work..she agreed and the very first day she was unwilling to erase the app from her phone which told me she wasn't commited like she said so I told her I was going to set an appointment with a divorce attorney..hoping that if she seen that I was serious about all of this she would stop..it didn't work after I got home from my appointment, which was nothing more than a consultation just to get info and make her see I was serious..so when I got home she asked a couple questions about it and said she was going to go have a beer..which ended up leading back to his house from about 10 that night until about 4the next morning..we argued a lot wen she finally came home and again she assured me nothing sexual happend..and that she wnats time to seperate and think about things that she cinfused about..I told her there is no option for seperation anymore ..she took that option off the table when she decided to go to his house..it was either give up the OM and work on marriiage or I was going to file for divorce..she said again that I can't tell her she can't have this friend..and I went down and filed for divorce..which I regret still..she just moved out yesterday and after getting her stuff loaded up she didn't even say goodbye to the kids or anything just walked out and said see ya tomorrow..she was at her sisters long enough to get syuff unpacked a little bit and waited until her sister went to bed and went straight to OM's house..I have so many regrets about the things I have don and I really don't want to go through with the divorce because I think she will realize that she is screwing up..I am seriously just so confused and need help I feel I have tried everything and really do want to stay married..she is the love of my life and like I said I just need help..I know I left out a lot of the situation and I will fill in any detail that anyones thinks is necessary...thanks in advance!
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Old 09-13-2011, 11:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: i need help a.s.a.p. wifes emotional affair.

You gave her what your boundaries were and she didn't want to listen. You did what you had to do, there was nothing more that you could have done. She walked out of the house from your her husband and your kids, what kind of mom just walks away from their kids? I don't know of any good mom who would do that.

Don't take her back when she comes crawling back once the affair doesn't work out. File for full custody of your kids, she walked out so you'll have a good case to get full custody. Get a lawyer right away or if you have one, let your lawyer know that she walked away from the family so you have it on record.

She WAS the love of your life, like alot of posters say. You're in love with the person she was, you SHOULD NOT LOVE the person she is now because that is no longer your wife. It's not easy to switch it off but any parent that can just walk away from her kids is not worth the trouble. Concentrate on your kids, expose to family and friends and move on with your life.

Like I said before if she comes crawling back do not instantly take her back, let her suffer and see if she truly wants back. Because if you just take her back, she'll see that as you being a doormat that she can just keep on using whenever her fun is over. If you have really read up on people's story then you know that eventually you hit a point where it doesn't even matter if she comes back anymore, you find that life goes on and you do what is right for you and your kids.
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Old 09-13-2011, 11:00 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: i need help a.s.a.p. wifes emotional affair.

BTW, she's in a PA, it's no longer just an EA. You can bet the bank on it.
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Old 09-13-2011, 11:04 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: i need help a.s.a.p. wifes emotional affair.

for starters, stop doubting yourself as you did the right thing IMO

think about it for a minute-



she refuses to have NC and complete transparency with OM
you make your wishes loud and clear that if she doesn't comply that you will get a D
she does it anyway
you file for D
and she STILL won't stop and is now in a PA (which I think was happening anyways)

honestly- she's being loud and clear that she chose OM over you

if you still wish to cling to the hope she will snap out of her fog then start pushing harder and make her see the reality of what D will bring-

cut her off financially and separate your accounts and go for full custody of the kids
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Old 09-13-2011, 11:30 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: i need help a.s.a.p. wifes emotional affair.

Ummm yeah.... Sorry dude, but you don't go to the house of the person you've been texting about having sex with at 10PM and returning at 4AM.....and nothing happened. Dude, she's lying through her teeth.

I don't care if she has an app on her phone that erases texts from the phone bill, if she ever sync'ed her phone up to the computer, you can probably still retrieve those texts. I'm not sure how. Will someone please tell him how to do this? Thanks!

You are in the drivers seat now. The main reason she moved out is because of the fog she's in right now with this affair. She wants to continue the affair without interference from you. She doesn't have to hide it so hard from you now. This can bite her in the butt BIG TIME in the courts. She moved out, therefore, the courts may view you as the primary parent. You're the one taking care of them full time, so they may have you continue to be the custodial parent. She would have to pay you CS.

Find out if this affair is full blown, the blow it out of the water. Expose to her friends and family that you two are seperated because of her affair. Here's the deal. Affairs are like ****roaches. The thrieve in the darkness, but as soon as you turn on the light, they scatter. Same with the affair, once the fantasy is brought out into the light and the reality of how many people they've hurt. It's sometimes enough to break them apart.

Also, if they happened to work together, that's usually a big no, no. Perphaps their HR Department need to be notified,
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Old 09-13-2011, 11:34 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: i need help a.s.a.p. wifes emotional affair.

Read Shamw's thread. You are about to go through the same thing.
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Old 09-13-2011, 11:35 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: i need help a.s.a.p. wifes emotional affair.

And....if you don't have kids be thankful and send her packing. You confronted her and gave her multiple chances to do the right thing.
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Old 09-13-2011, 11:38 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: i need help a.s.a.p. wifes emotional affair.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crossbar View Post
I don't care if she has an app on her phone that erases texts from the phone bill, if she ever sync'ed her phone up to the computer, you can probably still retrieve those texts. I'm not sure how. Will someone please tell him how to do this? Thanks!
I think this only works with iPhones. Under Windows Vista:

Users\(profile name)\App Data\Roaming\Apple Computer\Mobile Sync\Backup

App Data is a hidden folder. Ensure you change your folder views to show hidden files. Then use the free program

iPhone Backup Extractor for Windows and Mac



Or some other program to read the backup files from the iPhone.
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Old 09-13-2011, 11:47 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: i need help a.s.a.p. wifes emotional affair.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lordmayhem View Post
I think this only works with iPhones. Under Windows Vista:

Users\(profile name)\App Data\Roaming\Apple Computer\Mobile Sync\Backup

App Data is a hidden folder. Ensure you change your folder views to show hidden files. Then use the free program

iPhone Backup Extractor for Windows and Mac



Or some other program to read the backup files from the iPhone.

I'm curious LM- I'm assuming his wife is using an app like Textfree, are you saying that the deleted texts in this app will be available to peruse with the program you are linking to?
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Old 09-13-2011, 11:51 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: i need help a.s.a.p. wifes emotional affair.

She is using tikl touch to talk..I do have mobilespy on her phone so I can read her texts and see who she calls..that not even to point..I already kno they do and have been talkin..the just stepped it up a notch and are seeing each other..I just feel like I can't give up like there's always something else I can do or say..
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Old 09-13-2011, 11:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: i need help a.s.a.p. wifes emotional affair.

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I just feel like I can't give up like there's always something else I can do or say..
cue the " just let them go" thread

there's nothing much you can do I'm sorry to say, unless you wish to live in an open marriage

if she's not willing to do what's needed then you have to prepare yourself for the inevitable- it sucks but at least put yourself in a position to handle it better
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Old 09-13-2011, 11:58 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: i need help a.s.a.p. wifes emotional affair.

Seems to me you did well.

From this point on don`t even consider the possibility that she`s not having sex with him.

Your best bet is to simply go ahead with the divorce.

I know you love her but she isn`t returning that empathy and once that happens it`s pretty much a foregone conclusion.

I`m sorry.

Edit:

Find out as much as you can about the OM.
Is he married?
Have a girlfriend?
Work with your wife?

Go nuclear on him if you can by exposing his affair to his wife or girlfriend.
If he works with your wife most employers have policies in place about workplace relationships.

Last edited by tacoma; 09-13-2011 at 12:05 PM.
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Old 09-13-2011, 11:58 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: i need help a.s.a.p. wifes emotional affair.

At this point, I think all you can say is "Good-bye".

Let her go!

Doing or saying anything else will just appear weak to her. You need to be strong. Show her you can live without her. Work on you. Show her what she is losing.
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Old 09-13-2011, 12:00 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: i need help a.s.a.p. wifes emotional affair.

She left you for another man. She will stay with that man until they break up. So you've either lost her anyhow or you will be her backup man until the next one comes along. This is no EA. She is in love with him. It's over. She's either not coming back or you'd be CRAZY to take her.

It's funny how you said this was a little different than others you've read about then recited the usual script. Word for word.
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Old 09-13-2011, 12:07 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: i need help a.s.a.p. wifes emotional affair.

Jay--you did the right thing. You stated your boundary and the consequence and she crossed the line again.

You can bet your a$$ she has been sleeping with him. Leaving at 10 at night and not reappearing until 4 a.m.? Plus she just went straight to his house the day she moved out? Yeah. The yare totally fvcking.

Get tested for STDs. Also, heed your lawyer's advice.

DO NOT back away from your boundary. Keep it up. She is not the same person she was anymore. The fact that she walked out on not just you but the children to speaks volumes.

Do not bend, do not give in, etc.

I woudn't even worry about getting evidence anymore. It's clear she has cheated and is spending her free time with him.

If she is truly remorseful and wants the marriage, she will end all contact with him and earn her way back into your heart. She has demonstrated repeatedly that is not what she wants.

So cut her loose. Let her go. I know it hurts like hell and you will hurt for awhile but it will get better--promise.

DO NOT CHASE AFTER HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do not call her. Do not beg her. Do not plead. Do not cry to her.

No contact unless it's related to the divorce and co-parenting.

Be strong.

Go out, buy a new shirt and some sexy cologne. Smile at a pretty lady. Be the best dad you can for your children. Right now you are the role model and she is looking like a razy. They look to you for stability so be their rock. Don't badmouth her to them. Don't bend to her.
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