concerned gal

Hello everyone - I'm new to this forum. It seems like a great place of support so happy I have found it. I have a question regarding cheating. If I'm being paranoid. My boyfriend of 3 years has show possible signs of cheating. I found an email once between him and a woman that was pretty inappropriate. It pretty much confirmed that they had a secret friendship that I did not know about. Anyway, I've been paying lots of attention to everything he's done the last few months. Well, last night while doing laundry I smelled a new "scent". It wasn't my perfume and I noticed that it came from his underwear. None of the other clothes he wore yesterday had that scent (his shirt, tank top) but his boxers had a very faint scent of perfume in a small area.

Is this a sign of something bad? I'm really trying to stay rational and if he were doing something then why wouldn't all of his clothes that he wore yesterday smell of this perfume? Only a small portion of his front boxers.

Please believe that I'm not an underwear sniffer, lol. I just noticed it and got down to where it was coming from. I actually can't believe that I had to stoop to that level.

Can any of you give me advice because I've been suspicious ever since the email and now this?

Any insight you have would be so appreciated. I feel like I'm going a bit coo-coo over here.

oaksthorne

Very often there is something going on. I ignored all signs of cheating, because I did not think that it was possible with my dependable H. I wish I had been more suspicious and way less naive about the whole thing. I've read a lot of posts on here about soft ware that will key log, voice activated recorders, and GPS type devices that will tell you where he has been and is. There is no point in sharing your concerns with him until you have something solid to go on. Cheaters just get more sneaky when they are confronted before the evidence is incontrovertible. You are already stressed, so you don't need to be told that you are crazy too. I very much hope that you have nothing to worry about, best wishes to you. (((((( Hugs))))))

Almostrecovered

Was there ever a confrontation about his secret friend?

At this point it was likely a EA (emotional affair)

Now you've stumbled across some evidence that indicates it has moved to a PA (physical affair)

NO you are not paranoid- start digging and dig fast

Jellybeans

What did the email say that made you feel it was "inappropriate?"

Did you ask him about his "secret" friend?

concerned gal

The email was from 3 months ago. She was saying how she isn't messed up over him anymore and she can be a friend to him if he'd let her in, etc. etc. I confronted him and he said that she just had a crush on him. He was just her friend.

I'm wondering why the smell would only be in the crotch area of his boxers and nowhere else on his clothes? Doesn't that seem odd?

This is all a big mess. I really hate this feeling.

How would I confront about something like this?

Almostrecovered

you need to stay quiet and dig behind the scenes for a few reasons-


right now you have little to go on and any confrontation will result in gaslighting, lying to explain evidence or making you feel crazy or perhaps there is nothing.

There is nothing wrong with "trust but verify"

Jellybeans

Without solid proof of cheating, you have nothing.

The smell--is suspect but, again, without proof, nada.

If he knows she has a crush on him, he shouldn't be in contact with her behind your back. Has he ended all conact with him?

Can you get a keylogger for your computer and/or a VAR? (voice activated recorder).

Jellybeans

Has he been unfaithful in the past?

concerned gal

Jellybeans - Yes, he has been unfaithful in the past. Never admitted to having sex or cheating but has done things that were considered unfaithful. I actually caught him with an ex-girlfriend. Not having sex but they did hang out.

Jellybeans

Well now, then yes, you have cause to be concerned. Get the VAR and keylogger.

What did he say about being unfaithful in the past when you caught him? Did you set any boundaries at that time or did you just sweep it under the rug?

Jellybeans

I'm assuming you did not know he was hanging out with the ex-girlfriend? Explain.

concerned gal

I should get the keylogger - what does that do again? He's hardly on the computer at home but I guess it's not a bad idea. Can you guys give me more details on this?

I happened to swing by his place one night after we got into an argument and she was there. But no, he lied. He was supposed to be out with his friend.

He said he wasn't unfaithful. That he has never "touched" anyone and he knows the truth of what happened. That I'm over reacting and am causing unnecessary anguish for myself.

I told him of course that it better never happen again and have sort of taken a step back and paid attention to his behavior, etc. and this now...

Jellybeans

I'm not well-versed in keyloggers but other posters will school you on them.

Basically it lets you know what he's typing on the computer. The VAR will pick up his conversations (you have to put it in a hiding place).

Do you live together?

Almostrecovered

keyloggers will give you screen shots of what he's doing on the computer, tell you exactly what was typed, and can even notify you by email if you input certain keywords.

The good news is that if he uses his email during a keylogged session it will give you his password

concerned gal

So where do I get this? Do you recommend a certain kind?