Mori--I'm not surprised your ex did not tell her friend all the information. She was probably deeply ashamed by what she did.
But it boggles my mind that many feel the OM/OW are really not accountable for their actions. It is kinda like if you leave your front door open it is not stealing for someone to enter and take from you. They know it is wrong. People who cheat with married people know this is wrong.
I don't understand how some folks who say the OM and OW aren't accountable either. Granted, they did not take a vow, but like you said, they know full well that what they are doing is wrong. Again, you can't hav ea betrayal without a third party. As stated a gajillion (is that word?) times, 99% of the time, the OM and OW know the person they are engaging with is married/in a relationship. So they are aware. If they continue after the fact, then they are willfully participating in the betrayal. And even if they do not know, it is STILL an affair is the other person is married. However, none of this absolves the married person. They can either choose to shut it down so it does not happen or go through with the affair.
BUT, the other extreme is a truly evil predator who is purposely seeking out married woman to bed for its own pruposes and for the thrill of destroying thier family. There are some men who take a special pleasure in conquering married women, humiliating them AND they revel in the fact they are able to humiliate the husband by taking away thier wife. They get some sick pleasure from this.
I have head this as well before. How for some OM, the ultimate conquest is bedding a married woman. They get off on it. It's a high.
By the same token, there are OW who operate with this in mind, too. They get a sick pleasure out of knowing they are sleeping with married men. I read recently on a website where as woman was posting that she had an A with a married man, he left his wife for her, lived with her for 2 years, and then he had gone back to his wife and she was distraught. She kept saying how she "knew" it was so very wrong but she loved him and now she felt like a loser now knowing he went back to his wife and something to the effect of "I always felt like it was a competition and I was winning since he left her to be with me...and now I feel like I lost... like she's the victorious one." Then she said how her self-esteem was totally shot and how she ultimately felt bad for the wife since it's clear he wasn't committed to her if he left her. But then how awful she felt he left her to be with his wife...he told her that he couldn't just up and leave her. And the OW said something like "I don't get why it's so hard to leave... eventually his kids will learn to love him again and their anger will die down, he will repair things with his family, his wife will get over it, and his sick father (who by the way, the wife cared for as he lived in the marital home with the wife!) can be fine on his own!!! and how leaving a house/finances behind were not that big of a deal--they were just "things" that can be replaced. Yes, she used the world "replaced."
But I digress. Entrop made some good points.
Mori--it's prob best for you not to know and the thing is, you probably will never know everything. I've recently spoken with my exH and found out all kinds of new sh!t. But he still will not tell me her name. Stupid, right? We're divorced now! He claims he can't remember. That he truly forgot and cannot remember her name at all. I told him "It's funny you can't remember the name of the woman you betrayed me with." I think it's safe to say at this point he will probably never tell me.