Yea like the topic says, I am really thinking of cheating. I am at my wits end and don't know what else to do anymore.
Background:
We are both 31, marries for 5 years and dating for 8 years before that. We have 2 kids and expecting a 3rd one, i'm 3months pregnant. Our kids are 8years and 4years. At the beginning everything was perfect, we had the usual ups and downs but we got through it all. We were college sweethearts, we both work in the same industry, he's hecticly into gaming, i mean addicted, he has an xbox360, xbox1, ps3, ps4, ps vita...i mean all the gadgets he always wants the latest. Ok i knew he was a hectic game before we got married but at the time we were dating we only saw each other weekend, so he would dedicate the weekend to me and do his gaming mid-week. During my first pregnancy he was amazing, showered me with all the attention, i mean he was doing everything right! There has never been any signs of infidelity ever since i've known him...until my second pregnancy. I still remember that night, it was a Friday and he was at a work function and had said he'll be back home by 8pm. I was 37 weeks pregnant with my second, so i was home alone with a toddler and ready to pop. 9pm i get no message from him and his fone is off, i start panicking, so i put my daugter to bed and i start pacing around the house trying to figure out what to do, its not like him to just disappear and have his fone on, and i could pop any moment now. Something in me tells me to go outside, so i go outside, and in our complex they were still building some houses, at one of the empty stands maybe 5 houses away from our i catch a gimpse of his car. At this point i'm confusing, first thing i thought was what if he's hijacked or something bad happened to him. So i close the door behind me and start walking slowly towards his ar and i notice another car parked next to him, as i arrive at this car and i open the drivers door...Lo and Behold, there he is, getting a blow job from some womna i've never seen before before. I must say that was the worst night of my life.
So before that night in the morning we had an argument as he was suddenylu not interested in having sex with me, using all the excuses about being tired and all, yet he would play with his games until wee hours of the morning and i would go to bed crying each night.
Fast forward, we go to see a councilor and tried working on our issues, he apologized and said he's never been drunk before, this is true, in the entire 13years with him i have never seen him drinking, but i guess now you wonder if it wasn't happening behind your back. While we try to work through our marriage we start to fight more, like i said, he has never shown me any signs of infidelity, but now i don't know anymore. Every small thing about him pissed me off, everytime he refused me sex, i would take it personal that he doesn't wana have sex with me but wants to do it with someone else. It was a really bad rollercoaster of years, he's not the perfect non-cheating man i thought he was, i now know he's fully capable of doing it, even that night had i not caught him, im pretty sure they would've fcuked while i sit at home waiting for him.
Fast forward to the last year or so, his sex drive has gone down, i am always the one making the first move, he's forever gaming and that leads to me irritated t him that he's spending more time playing than with me, i beg, i plead, i cry...and at the end i still only get sex when i make the move, he always makes excuses of why he doesn't make the moves. I understand that with us both working full time jobs, and having 2 kids, we both tired at the end of the time, but for some reason my sex drive is always the same, i still want it every 2nd day atleast, him on the other hand, he goes for a week or more without it, and him knowing that i always want it yet ignoring that. So basically i feel rejected, neglected, unwanted etc.
3 weeks ago we find out that i am pregnant with out 3rd child, immediately after finding out, the sex stops, his reason is he's scared of hurting the baby, i tell him thats bull**** coz this is our 3rd pregnancy, he is not a clue-less first time dad and he knows very well he wont be hurting the baby at all. But he's sticking to his story. A few days after i find out i just breakdown and cry, i tell him ok you say you have "fears"of hurting the baby, why dont we speak to a doctor or somebody who can tell u what u already know. His response is he already knows he wont hurt the baby, but mentally he just cannot do it, he's scared. So i ask him that at my last pregnancy he neglected me sexually, and at 37 weeks he tried fcuking someone else, is this going to be a pattern, is he plotting to hurt me again when i need him the most, and he assures me that is not the case, and he starts promising me that he'll overcome his fear and be intimate. I think we got intimate that night, and after that it goes dead again for another week, i ask again what's wrong and i get the same reason about the so-called-fear, the discussion ends with me emotional, in tears, feeling fat and ugly and him just not attracted to me, yet he assures me that is not the case. We have sex again that night and guess what, it goes dead again for another week...mind you the times we have sex i am the on who makes the move. Last night (a week after the last intimate session) im super honry, heck everyday i am horny and he knows it, anyway so last night i tell him lets go to bed, he tells me no he wants to cut his hair first, i keep asking him he can cut it this weekend and he keeps insisting...so i give up and end up going to bed, honry as hell, all alone. This morning before we go to work, i wake up early and head to the bathroom, when i come back to the room he gets up from bed, i ask him he stays in bed a little longer, and he insists and wakes up. After he showers and is getting dressed i ask him to sit down, i start asking him what is the problem, the last time we were intimate was a week ago, he starts acting surprised and saying he's still scared etc etc. I tell him that excuse is getting old, so he starts saying he can't have sex if he's feeling under pressure, so i say oh okay, so the new excuse is the pressure and no longer the pregnancy, we go back and forth for a while, and he says we'll have it öften" and promises, so i ask what exactly does öften"mean coz if he means once a week then he must say so so i don't have to keep nagging for it. I tell him he obviously doesn't give a **** about how i feel because i sit in bed each night, waiting for him to come to bed, and he makes sure he comes in as late as possible when I am sleeping. I start telling him he must be really feeling good about himself having me chasing him for sex all the time, he says he actually feel pressured by me, and we start going back and forth. It then starts getting late as we have to prepare the kids so he promises we'll talk about it later today.
I'm tired of nagging my husband for sex, i told him i am not happy, what he wants to do with that info its up to him, i also told him my tummy is not showing yet so i am assuming that as it starts showing he will give me another excuse of not wanting to have sex with me. I don't want foreplay, i want him. I don't think he will cheat on me, actually he's capable of it, but from what he has told me and promised, he said he would never hurt me like that again...but again, i don't know. I love him, he loves him, i am sexually started, he blames it on whatever excuse in his head at that moment. Lately I am forever the one making the first moves, i just don't know anymore what to do.
I don't know what responses i am expecting, all i know is i am not happy, i am slowly falling into depression, i feel like he doesn't care. Would i be so wrong if i cheat?
(sorry for the grammar mistakes, i type while im rushing to a meeting)
Background:
We are both 31, marries for 5 years and dating for 8 years before that. We have 2 kids and expecting a 3rd one, i'm 3months pregnant. Our kids are 8years and 4years. At the beginning everything was perfect, we had the usual ups and downs but we got through it all. We were college sweethearts, we both work in the same industry, he's hecticly into gaming, i mean addicted, he has an xbox360, xbox1, ps3, ps4, ps vita...i mean all the gadgets he always wants the latest. Ok i knew he was a hectic game before we got married but at the time we were dating we only saw each other weekend, so he would dedicate the weekend to me and do his gaming mid-week. During my first pregnancy he was amazing, showered me with all the attention, i mean he was doing everything right! There has never been any signs of infidelity ever since i've known him...until my second pregnancy. I still remember that night, it was a Friday and he was at a work function and had said he'll be back home by 8pm. I was 37 weeks pregnant with my second, so i was home alone with a toddler and ready to pop. 9pm i get no message from him and his fone is off, i start panicking, so i put my daugter to bed and i start pacing around the house trying to figure out what to do, its not like him to just disappear and have his fone on, and i could pop any moment now. Something in me tells me to go outside, so i go outside, and in our complex they were still building some houses, at one of the empty stands maybe 5 houses away from our i catch a gimpse of his car. At this point i'm confusing, first thing i thought was what if he's hijacked or something bad happened to him. So i close the door behind me and start walking slowly towards his ar and i notice another car parked next to him, as i arrive at this car and i open the drivers door...Lo and Behold, there he is, getting a blow job from some womna i've never seen before before. I must say that was the worst night of my life.
So before that night in the morning we had an argument as he was suddenylu not interested in having sex with me, using all the excuses about being tired and all, yet he would play with his games until wee hours of the morning and i would go to bed crying each night.
Fast forward, we go to see a councilor and tried working on our issues, he apologized and said he's never been drunk before, this is true, in the entire 13years with him i have never seen him drinking, but i guess now you wonder if it wasn't happening behind your back. While we try to work through our marriage we start to fight more, like i said, he has never shown me any signs of infidelity, but now i don't know anymore. Every small thing about him pissed me off, everytime he refused me sex, i would take it personal that he doesn't wana have sex with me but wants to do it with someone else. It was a really bad rollercoaster of years, he's not the perfect non-cheating man i thought he was, i now know he's fully capable of doing it, even that night had i not caught him, im pretty sure they would've fcuked while i sit at home waiting for him.
Fast forward to the last year or so, his sex drive has gone down, i am always the one making the first move, he's forever gaming and that leads to me irritated t him that he's spending more time playing than with me, i beg, i plead, i cry...and at the end i still only get sex when i make the move, he always makes excuses of why he doesn't make the moves. I understand that with us both working full time jobs, and having 2 kids, we both tired at the end of the time, but for some reason my sex drive is always the same, i still want it every 2nd day atleast, him on the other hand, he goes for a week or more without it, and him knowing that i always want it yet ignoring that. So basically i feel rejected, neglected, unwanted etc.
3 weeks ago we find out that i am pregnant with out 3rd child, immediately after finding out, the sex stops, his reason is he's scared of hurting the baby, i tell him thats bull**** coz this is our 3rd pregnancy, he is not a clue-less first time dad and he knows very well he wont be hurting the baby at all. But he's sticking to his story. A few days after i find out i just breakdown and cry, i tell him ok you say you have "fears"of hurting the baby, why dont we speak to a doctor or somebody who can tell u what u already know. His response is he already knows he wont hurt the baby, but mentally he just cannot do it, he's scared. So i ask him that at my last pregnancy he neglected me sexually, and at 37 weeks he tried fcuking someone else, is this going to be a pattern, is he plotting to hurt me again when i need him the most, and he assures me that is not the case, and he starts promising me that he'll overcome his fear and be intimate. I think we got intimate that night, and after that it goes dead again for another week, i ask again what's wrong and i get the same reason about the so-called-fear, the discussion ends with me emotional, in tears, feeling fat and ugly and him just not attracted to me, yet he assures me that is not the case. We have sex again that night and guess what, it goes dead again for another week...mind you the times we have sex i am the on who makes the move. Last night (a week after the last intimate session) im super honry, heck everyday i am horny and he knows it, anyway so last night i tell him lets go to bed, he tells me no he wants to cut his hair first, i keep asking him he can cut it this weekend and he keeps insisting...so i give up and end up going to bed, honry as hell, all alone. This morning before we go to work, i wake up early and head to the bathroom, when i come back to the room he gets up from bed, i ask him he stays in bed a little longer, and he insists and wakes up. After he showers and is getting dressed i ask him to sit down, i start asking him what is the problem, the last time we were intimate was a week ago, he starts acting surprised and saying he's still scared etc etc. I tell him that excuse is getting old, so he starts saying he can't have sex if he's feeling under pressure, so i say oh okay, so the new excuse is the pressure and no longer the pregnancy, we go back and forth for a while, and he says we'll have it öften" and promises, so i ask what exactly does öften"mean coz if he means once a week then he must say so so i don't have to keep nagging for it. I tell him he obviously doesn't give a **** about how i feel because i sit in bed each night, waiting for him to come to bed, and he makes sure he comes in as late as possible when I am sleeping. I start telling him he must be really feeling good about himself having me chasing him for sex all the time, he says he actually feel pressured by me, and we start going back and forth. It then starts getting late as we have to prepare the kids so he promises we'll talk about it later today.
I'm tired of nagging my husband for sex, i told him i am not happy, what he wants to do with that info its up to him, i also told him my tummy is not showing yet so i am assuming that as it starts showing he will give me another excuse of not wanting to have sex with me. I don't want foreplay, i want him. I don't think he will cheat on me, actually he's capable of it, but from what he has told me and promised, he said he would never hurt me like that again...but again, i don't know. I love him, he loves him, i am sexually started, he blames it on whatever excuse in his head at that moment. Lately I am forever the one making the first moves, i just don't know anymore what to do.
I don't know what responses i am expecting, all i know is i am not happy, i am slowly falling into depression, i feel like he doesn't care. Would i be so wrong if i cheat?
(sorry for the grammar mistakes, i type while im rushing to a meeting)