Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 01:45 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

this isn't a "smoking gun"....rather its a gun that just hasn't been discharged yet.

red flag #1.....there is distance and loss of intimacy in your relationship

red flag #2.....you are unable to communicate feelings, either of you, empathetically...and if you did, they would fall on deaf ears.

red flag #3......she is opening up, sharing inappropriate and often one sided personal details of your marriage and her personal life. this is the BIGGEST red flag.

what you have here is the plain old text book definition of an emotional affair. she may not be shagging him, but you can't rule that out. if it hasn't happened yet...it will soon.

you are in a tough spot because if you call her out for what you know....she will lie, minimize, deflect, make you feel crazy and its all YOUR fault.

That in itself is your answer to how deep your marriage troubles go.

some here would say wait, gather more intel, catch her red handed. and to a certain extent I agree. another strategy would be to print these emails out, sit here down, tell her this behavior is unfaithful to the marriage, and its OVER.

if she does anything other than begging you for forgiveness, coming 100% clean with the truth and doing anything other than what you ask for reassurance (passwords to phone and PC, no contact letter to said person, change jobs) then its a total loss anway and bding your time to just catch her in more damning behavior is just a waste of effort and your time.

good luck. sorry you are here.

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post #17 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 01:46 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

if its not smoking now, i would say that it about to get get ****ed and ready to fire sometime in the not too distance future
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post #18 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 01:51 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

WalMart for the VAR. Best Buy has some good selections.

Smoking gun, no. Seriously messed up if she is keeping this secret from you, hell yes.

Other emails have anything more damning?
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post #19 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 01:52 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Bill, I will be blunt. Did you cheat on your first wife with your current wife?
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post #20 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 07:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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Bill, I will be blunt. Did you cheat on your first wife with your current wife?
Fair question. The answer is no. I tried, she wouldn't let me get near her until the first wife as long gone. That relationship was pretty screwed up to begin with (the first marriage). I was young and stupid and broke two Cardinal rules.

1. Don't make any life-changing decisions after a family member dies
2. Don't marry any woman (or man) that relies upon daily medication to keep them sane and in check.

In my case, I was so broken up when my mom died, I reached out to my first wife. I was 27. Mom was the last connection I had with any type of home. My father died when I was just a child. I knew, deep down, that I should not have married her, but she offered warmth, happiness and a home that I could be a part of. I really didn't think much about the medication part, nor how she had been hospitalized twice for Schizophrenia. She was fine. But I didn't know that in California, you can quit that medication at any time. Nobody can force a mentally unstable person to continue to take their daily pill. If they decide to stop, oh well, you're up bat**** creek without a damn paddle. I wasn't made aware of this until AFTER she quit taking her meds, which was three years after we tied the knot. Suddenly, the woman I loved vanished and was replaced by a raving lunatic that scared the crap out of me. This is no joke. When I found that butcher knife she was keeping underneath the bed, I don't think I ever stayed another night with her. That and the waking up in the dead of night screaming that there was a snake in the bed or someone was in the house (there wasn't) -- was enough to drive me out.

It was at that point when my current wife walked into my life. My marriage was disintegrating and she offered a path I could follow out. But the sex would wait and wait and wait until the divorce papers were filed. The ex-wife and I hadn't seen each other for six months. Is it still cheating? Technically, I suppose. But it's not quite what you might think.

There are no other email chains that I've discovered that are as damming as the one I first pasted. The best I can tell is that these email chains with this other guy started last October. There are about 10-12 total, each with about six or seven responses between the two. To be dang honest, most of it is work related. They do not work together. They do not work for the same company. The wife is an Information Officer. Her email buddy is a reporter. By the way, both of us are former reporters. This is what former reporters do when they get old -- they become Information Officers for companies, school districts, government, etc.

I have never seen a brother and sister who were as close as my wife and her brother. They had something really special going on there. She supported her brother without question, her brother returned the favor. She did not like her brother's wife -- and still doesn't. In response, after the brother died, his wife cut off all communication with her brother's children, which are my wife's God children. So -- my wife not only lost her brother last March. She also lost all contact with her God children. Add to that the untimely death of her parents, and I really do think she just went off the edge. That's what the counselor thinks. But I also think she's pulling away. She also lost a bunch of weight and adopted a yoga routine two months ago. My wife is 46 and looks like she's 36. She's a former TV reporter. I'm not going to lie to you. She's eye-candy. You don't become a TV reporter if you're not eye candy.

So -- that's where it stands. She actually came out and did a little gardening today, which was nice. We loved to garden together. Absolutely loved it. But she's slowly pulled away from that activity as well. She spends a lot of time now with a new friend she made after her brother passed. They are similar in age and experience. The friend is married, but to a man who is 30 years her senior. They are vino partners. They are Yoga partners. I don't interfere, but I know this new friend has far too much influence over her. If she were to tell her to jump off a cliff, she just might. But -- so far nothing like this has happened. They do spend a great amount of time together though.
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post #21 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 07:11 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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But I also think she's pulling away. She also lost a bunch of weight and adopted a yoga routine two months ago. My wife is 46 and looks like she's 36. She's a former TV reporter. I'm not going to lie to you. She's eye-candy. You don't become a TV reporter if you're not eye candy.
You are in deep trouble. A woman losing a lot of weight and pulling away from you is an enormous red flag. You need to find out how far this has gone, right now! Follow the standard evidence thread, which I see someone has already posted.

And pretend you are still in the dark or she will take it underground!

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #22 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 07:27 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Do you have kids?

If she is in exit mode, you may want to beat her to the punch.

You see a counselor for six months, she comes once.

You can't fix it by yourself.

See an attorney to see about your options.
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post #23 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 07:28 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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Bill, I will be blunt. Did you cheat on your first wife with your current wife?
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Originally Posted by billbird2111 View Post
Fair question. The answer is no. I tried, she wouldn't let me get near her until the first wife as long gone.

It was at that point when my current wife walked into my life. My marriage was disintegrating and she offered a path I could follow out. But the sex would wait and wait and wait until the divorce papers were filed. The ex-wife and I hadn't seen each other for six months. Is it still cheating? Technically, I suppose. But it's not quite what you might think.
Bill, as you know, cheating just does not mean sex. What you did was have an emotional affair during your first marriage. I sympathize with you. Your marriage was gone and you feared for your life. You were right to divorce, but you still had an affair.

Look at the parallels. You were unhappy in first marriage. Close family member died. You found a new friend and became emotionally invested in her.

Your wife is doing the same thing. Unhappy in marriage. Family member dies. Sought emotional comfort outside the marriage. Does this look similar to you? Plus she was your prior affair partner. She had no problem with an affair then with you, so same ethics and morals allows her to do same as what you did. The only major difference is that you are not sleeping with a knife in your bed.

The weight loss, many texts, even work related, secrecy all point to classic emotional affair, at a minimum. Do you have any thoughts about why she is unhappy with your marriage? "The last year has been absolute Hell." Tell what happened during the last year. That might help us find a path to save your marriage.

Last edited by 225985; 02-14-2016 at 07:32 PM.
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post #24 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 07:33 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

You are best to be the aggressor here, regardless of what you want. To me the biggest red flag was "if I go my own way" which I assume referred to your relationship. She'll lining up a new job to have financial security to dump you, is my read on it.

If you wait for things to unfold you will have no hand. If you assert yourself now and detach yourself, you may shake her into coming around.

"There isn't a word that's been invented yet that could describe that man's madness." Noel Gallagher
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post #25 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 07:46 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Bill, you did cheat on your first wife.

So, you are sort of expecting your second wife to be a cheater, because you were one yourself.

There is no smoking gun in the exchange but there is a clue. A clue that tells me she is not having an affair with the journalist (well, who'd want a relationship with one of them, right? I am a journalist! ).

But she does consider that she may be moving on without you.

You need to address the issues with couple's counselling.


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post #26 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 08:45 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

How does our wife explain putting you on the back burner?
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post #27 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 10:20 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

What does she say when you ask her about all this?
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post #28 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 11:29 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Bill there are definately red flags you should be concerned about. You need to start discreetly investiagting ASAP.

Aside from her withdrawing emotionally how are things in the bedroom. I presume the frequencey has dropped?

As instructed buy two good quality VARS place one under her car seat strapped with Velcro and Lithium batteries and another in the house in a spot you think she will most likely talk in.

Additionally try and get access to her phone. Does she keep that under lock and guard?
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post #29 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 01:14 AM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

First, forget that cheated on first wife stuff.

She got off her meds, and you was 6 mo's gone.

Sorry guys, just don't compute.

Now, you say it's been a year. Don't know if she is seeing someone else, but it don't seem to be him.

I would take a closer look at the new friend.

Why? New friend has an older hubby, and LOT's of free time. She may be the AP, or the wingman.

The pulling away is the biggest red flag. She is investing emotionally somewhere else.
Also, you wouldn't be the first BS here who's wife left for another woman.
Also can't see her leaving you for her, if it's her. That chick sound like she got it all.
Old man that give her all the toys and freedom she want. So she won't rock that boat.
Hell, she may bring him playmates,,, "your wife".

On here, we have seen it all.
From ww's taking wedding dress across country to make vids with internet ap, to ww leaving BS to join swingers groups.
So we are not surprised much here.

What I think you need to do, is take some time and decide what you want from your wife.
Once you have those, set her down, TELL her, "not explain" that you are not getting these, and see no reason to continue the marriage if things don't change.
Explain how in the past you guys was best friends, but now it seem as you are no more than a roommate.

I think you get the idea. but I would also put a VAR in her car before approaching her.
You may not even have to have that convo.

Sorry you here, but you did find the right ppl to see you through this.
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post #30 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 03:01 AM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

If your at the point in your mge, where she picks/complains a good % of the time---it is time to have a serious conversation, about where the mge., is going, and what is to be done. If she refuses, then you need to do something to move her one way or the other, either toward working out the problem, or looking at D.----you do not want to continue on living in the misery you are now in.
She seems from prior dealings to be straight, in that she wouldn't get involved sexually till you had a D.----that may well be the case here, and she may be in an EA, or starting up an Exit A., the last, are also major reasons for you to have a serious sit down, face to face, and get it all out on the table.
Usually when a cheater is cheating, they will also try to satisfy their partner, to deceive the partner as to what is going on, here that doesn't seem to be the case----from what you describe she is just plain unhappy with something or things, again you need a sit down face to face, and get it all out in the open.
Does your wife work for/with the school of Veterinary Medicine there at Davis, the Large Animal Clinic Director is a friend of mine, also the prior director, use to be my Vet. at the racetrack, they are both good people, and knowing them as well as I do----they are not the type of people to allow, their staff members to stain the reputation of the school. Hang in and do what you need to do, but no matter what do something to force this out in the open!!!!!!
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