Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 04:29 AM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Bill,

A few questions

1. How supportive were you when your W's brother died? Did you lend her support or let her handle it alone
Just wondering because she seems to have pulled away after that. A woman will pull away if she feels she is not supported and loved in a crisis such as this.

2. The emails are not really a smoking gun, though she is investing time in another male which could lead to an A

3. YOur biggest worry is her pulling away from you, something triggered that. You should talk to her, be open and honest about how your feel and ask her what is going on.

4. In the mean time VAR her car, check the computer, phone, etc when you can.

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post #32 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 02:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

I suppose it's time to be really open with all of you. I didn't want to discuss this, but when you read this, I can guess what your reaction is going to be. However, what I'm about to tell you is the truth and nothing but the truth.

It's been a sex-less marriage for about the past 3-4 years. Not her fault -- mine. Not totally my fault, but medical issues beyond my control.

Since most of the people I'm speaking to are guys -- I'm sure -- at some point -- most of you have seen the film Black Hawk Down, about American involvement in Somalia. There's a scene during a particularly ferocious battle, where a soldier essentially bleeds out and dies. It's because the artery in his leg has ruptured, and the field tech trying to save the soldier's live can't reach it to stem the bleeding. End result, the soldier dies. This was a true story. This really happened. This artery that runs through the leg is also real. I know, because surgeons have opened mine up three times since I turned 39 (I'm 52 now). This was the original procedure to insert a stent into an artery near the heart that had become blocked. The surgeon would make a small incision in the leg near the groin, open up the artery, stick a tube in to open up the artery and then stick another tube inside the first one. The second tube contains a camera. The surgeon pushes this tube up through the artery to the heart muscle, shoots in a bunch of green dye, and takes a bunch of vacation photos. When and if they find a blockage, another tube is inserted into the artery. This tube contains a mesh metal stent. The surgeon guides it to the blocked artery, inserts the stent and springs a trap to open it up. The first procedure, to take pictures of the heart, is called an angiogram. The followup procedure, to insert a stent, is called angioplasty.

I know this sounds harsh, especially if you haven't been through it. But it's a far better option than cracking open the chest for open heart surgery and a double, triple or quadruple bypass. That's serious (as serious as a heart attack).

That procedure, which took place when I was 39, went well. I felt great. The leg healed in a day or two. I went on a weight loss routine and life was even better. The sex was great. But the real problem developed when I had to go in for another procedure about five years ago. My blood pressure had suddenly gone through the roof. I have great health insurance, and since I had this problem with a blocked artery before, the physicians though (rightly so), that another one might be blocked. That would explain the increase in blood pressure. Again -- I was admitted to the cardiac unit for an angiogram. This is where things went horribly, terribly wrong. I knew something wasn't right when the attending nurse began the process of removing the tubes from the artery once the procedure was finished. It hurt. It's not supposed to hurt. It's not comfortable, but it's not supposed to hurt. This one did. Bad. As the pain began to increase, I asked the nurse to stop. She responded that she had to get the tube out of the artery right away, or I could bleed to death. She continued to tug and pull until the point where it got so painful that I started screaming bloody murder. That got the attention of a nearby cardiologist, who figured out pretty quickly that the tube in the artery had somehow got stuck. Worse yet -- the nurse had ripped it WIDE OPEN. I was gushing blood. The rip, I was told, was about six inches.

I was rushed into surgery where a series of injections were made into the area where the rip had taken place. The idea was to thicken the blood, make it congeal, and let the artery heal on its own. The procedure did work. They kept me awake the whole time. And, after about 30 minutes of shot after shot, the bleeding had pretty much stopped.

But that was just the start of an even larger problem. About a quart of blood had leaked out of the wound and into the leg. Because the blood in the artery congealed, the blood in the leg near the groin did the same. Imagine a water balloon in your groin. And there was nothing the doctors could do to get it out. It was simply too dangerous to go digging around near that artery again. I was told the blood bubble would eventually go away on its own. It did -- it took months -- but sex was never the same after that. It was INCREDIBLY painful, especially when the wife was on top. You can imagine her grinding down on that blood bubble. Sex still felt good, but man it was painful.

But, slowly, through the years, I began to lose my ability to get an erection of any type. The doctor prescribed Viagra, but that just made me feel like I was having a heart attack. Plus -- the resulting experience was anything but satisfying. I would satisfy my wife -- but I got absolutely nothing out of it. There was just no feeling there.

So -- sex today is whatever I can do for her with my fingers, mouth or toys. But I feel embarrassed -- less than a man. I mean -- if you cannot get or sustain an erection -- what kind of life is that? Pretty soon, it started to affect my self-confidence. I just didn't want to go through the motions anymore.

My wife is as sexy as she's ever been. I continue to be attracted to her. But, at the same time, I don't act on that attraction anymore. Worse yet, when some surgeries on my back and achilles tendons from "exercise injuries, it brought and end to working out and losing weight. I still eat healthy. I still walk around the neighborhood for daily exercise. But the days of hitting the weight room hard are pretty much over for me. I just can't go through the pain of another back surgery for spinal stenosis again.

So -- that's it guys. That's the whole story. Funny that I would reveal this to you, when it is a deep, dark secret that I am terribly embarrassed and depressed by. This lack of being able to please her (she is six years younger) is probably the reason why I'm losing her.
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post #33 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 02:37 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Damn.

It's not a deep, dark secret. It's a story of medical negligence and catastrophe, which you are doing your best to deal with.

Inspirational rather than embarrassing.

Have you been as open with your wife about this situation and your feelings about it?

BTW, as a journalist I have got used to people telling me their life story. Maybe that's what happened with your wife and the journalist?

I don't know why, it just happens.

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post #34 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 03:33 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

So...because you haven't (I assume) gone to therapy to deal with your new feelings of inadequacy (not being a real man), you now assume you are worthless and any day now she's going to realize it and leave you.

Is that about right?

If so, what are you doing to FIX those feelings of inadequacy?

You know, instead of becoming hypervigilant on catching her cheating?

Women fall out of love with insecure men. In fact, they grow to dislike them. Even distance themselves from them. Maybe what you're experiencing is that.

Quote:
This lack of being able to please her (she is six years younger) is probably the reason why I'm losing her.
And so you know, you described above ALL THE WAYS in which you satisfy her. And yet here you say you don't. What you REALLY mean is that you feel you're not satisfying her because you are using YOUR metric - a man's metric - for what satisfying means. And being six years younger? Just another symptom that this is all about your low self worth; as in, why would a hot YOUNG THING be interested in an ugly old man like me?

Time for therapy. And take her with you so she can be your PARTNER.
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post #35 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 03:53 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
So...because you haven't (I assume) gone to therapy to deal with your new feelings of inadequacy (not being a real man), you now assume you are worthless and any day now she's going to realize it and leave you.

Is that about right?

If so, what are you doing to FIX those feelings of inadequacy?

You know, instead of becoming hypervigilant on catching her cheating?

Women fall out of love with insecure men. In fact, they grow to dislike them. Even distance themselves from them. Maybe what you're experiencing is that.

And so you know, you described above ALL THE WAYS in which you satisfy her. And yet here you say you don't. What you REALLY mean is that you feel you're not satisfying her because you are using YOUR metric - a man's metric - for what satisfying means. And being six years younger? Just another symptom that this is all about your low self worth; as in, why would a hot YOUNG THING be interested in an ugly old man like me?

Time for therapy. And take her with you so she can be your PARTNER.
Unless she thinks Bill doesn't really love her any more?

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Last edited by MattMatt; 06-05-2016 at 06:00 PM.
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post #36 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 04:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
So...because you haven't (I assume) gone to therapy to deal with your new feelings of inadequacy (not being a real man), you now assume you are worthless and any day now she's going to realize it and leave you.

Is that about right?

If so, what are you doing to FIX those feelings of inadequacy?

You know, instead of becoming hypervigilant on catching her cheating?

Women fall out of love with insecure men. In fact, they grow to dislike them. Even distance themselves from them. Maybe what you're experiencing is that.

And so you know, you described above ALL THE WAYS in which you satisfy her. And yet here you say you don't. What you REALLY mean is that you feel you're not satisfying her because you are using YOUR metric - a man's metric - for what satisfying means. And being six years younger? Just another symptom that this is all about your low self worth; as in, why would a hot YOUNG THING be interested in an ugly old man like me?

Time for therapy. And take her with you so she can be your PARTNER.
I've always been insecure. Always. I was when I met her. Could not believe this hot young thing was interested in me. Counted my lucky damn stars. Felt the same damn way when we got married. Why is this gorgeous lady, six years my junior, agreeing to this? Felt so damn lucky.

Did I forget to mention she was/is wealthy? Not millions rich, but we have a comfortable life together. Can you begin to see why I thought, and to this damn day, believe I was lucky?

That insecurity goes way back, long before I met her. It would take a lifetime's worth of therapy to deal with it.

I don't show it on the surface. You are seeing it here because I"ve laid it out in detail for you. I'm not hiding anything. But I don't allow that insecurity to interfere with the relationship. There are no rules. There is no "you must be home at a certain time," or "you may not see this person or that person." I don't tell her how lucky I feel either. Or, "how can you stand to be with someone like me?" No, I'm not like that. The insecurity remains well hidden.

But is it there? Yeah...
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post #37 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 04:47 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Go to a urologist about the ED.

Check with your cardiologist about taking something along the lines of Cialis. You might be surprised at how that can help.

The days of sex like a 30 year old are gone - accept it. You cannot measure you performance against that. But you might get back enough to keep you both satisfied if your wife is understanding and willing to help you through this. Open and honest communication with your wife is a must. Tell her how you feel and tell her you expect the truth from her and for her to not try to protect you from getting hurt.

I am talking from personal experience here. A big problem is your low self worth from the changes and fear of failure. What have you got to lose? The talk I had with my wife helped beyond measure and our sex life has improved.

Edit: I tried Viagra early on. Felt like I was having a stroke. The pain in my head sometimes stopped me right in the middle of having sex.
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post #38 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 05:01 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

What you revealed in your last 2 post is very heavy. The only thing I can suggest is to make the effort to give her attention that lets her know you appreciate her and find ways to sexually please her. There is nothing wrong with letting her know you're in love with her and feel lucky to have a girl like her.

I can understand the insecurity due to your situation combined with having a wife with a very high sex rank.
It's critical for a husband to always be their wife's rock but in your situation it's doubly so.

I'm concerned about her pulling away from you after the death of her brother. Death of a love one will cause a person to reassess their life. Were you there for her? I wonder if an interloper saw an opening to "be there" for her and she's replaced you as her emotional rock.

You would be derelict to not do your due diligence and check things out. Check phone records, email, social media, Velcro a VAR under passenger seat of her car seat. If there is something going on, you'll know within days. If not, you get your but into over drive to rewin her heart. But if there is something going on, trying to nice her back will just repel her further away.

The red flag is not the email, it's the pulling away. This is not a time for putting your head in the sand or playing the political correct meme that I imagine someone of your background would believe in. "invading her privacy." No such thing. She's your wife. Like a fellow TAMer always says, Privacy in a marriage is for the bathroom not to hide an affair.
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post #39 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 06:07 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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Originally Posted by billbird2111 View Post
I've always been insecure. Always. I was when I met her. Could not believe this hot young thing was interested in me. Counted my lucky damn stars. Felt the same damn way when we got married. Why is this gorgeous lady, six years my junior, agreeing to this? Felt so damn lucky.

Did I forget to mention she was/is wealthy? Not millions rich, but we have a comfortable life together. Can you begin to see why I thought, and to this damn day, believe I was lucky?

That insecurity goes way back, long before I met her. It would take a lifetime's worth of therapy to deal with it.

I don't show it on the surface. You are seeing it here because I"ve laid it out in detail for you. I'm not hiding anything. But I don't allow that insecurity to interfere with the relationship. There are no rules. There is no "you must be home at a certain time," or "you may not see this person or that person." I don't tell her how lucky I feel either. Or, "how can you stand to be with someone like me?" No, I'm not like that. The insecurity remains well hidden.

But is it there? Yeah...
So? What are you doing about it? THAT's the problem in your marriage.
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post #40 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 06:08 PM
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Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Damn I've had 4 angiograms and 3 angioplasties. Never knew it could go that awry.


I think I'm afraid to be happy. Because whenever I get to happy, something bad always happens.

Last edited by giddiot; 02-15-2016 at 10:03 PM.
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post #41 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-16-2016, 12:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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Damn I've had 4 angiograms and 3 angioplasties. Never knew it could go that awry.
Yes, it can. Especially if you're really unlucky.

Saw the marriage therapist tonight. Don't know if she was impressed by the VAR idea -- and didn't even want to read the email. So, I read the questionable part to her.

She wants me to confront her. Now. Get it out in the open. Get an answer one way or another.

I think she's just tired of seeing me.

The email exchange between her and this guy continued tonight. Eight different messages to one another. Jeez. Totally innocent, but jeez. Why the f**k is she emailing this clown back and forth?
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post #42 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-16-2016, 12:42 AM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Good News ~ Bad News!

Good News ~ At worst, it sounds like only an EA!

Bad News ~ EA's are just the first step toward PA's! It still has some time to be circumvented by your personal intervention! If she comes around, then it will be worth it! If not, then you'll truly know where her heart is!

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"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #43 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-16-2016, 03:41 AM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

BB2311, had 3 blockages, got 2 done with 1 stent, but place of 3rd require a more complicated procedure.
Spent the 29th all day under a sheet hooked up, shaved, and ready,, no go, 1 case got complicated, and chopper kept coming in.
Go friday, but now, "LOL."
I never heard of that happening. With this 1 friday, and another for right carotid coming up, man!!!!

Anyway, I've had some in my right thigh for yrs., and need a graft for the left. So kinda know a little of what you speak.
I was always advised not to do the lil blue because of heart, so pleasing wife can complicate.
Now add my wife is bedridden. desire get complicated when you have to change someone my man.
But, with all that, we still have fun.

Self esteem is tricky, so is desire.

You don't seem to have to manufacture desire, but you need to accept unless something change, your limits, and take pride is still being able to give her pleasure.
To me, it's a glass half full, not half empty.

As stated, the pulling away is the red flag, along with her new vino buddy.
Investigate, and if nothing found, it's time for the talk.
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post #44 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-16-2016, 06:35 AM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Billbird-I had an A with a coworker. Thats how it started- just little notes (back before texts etc). They were innocent- sometimes funny, mostly just comments about work. Those notes eventually became longer and more frequent. They started to contain more personal things like hopes, thoughts and dreams. I had a perfectly good husband who I loved at home and never dreamed I would step out on him.

Eventually those notes held a form of intimacy-undivided attention and admiration that I didn't think I was receiving at home. The Affair partner looked more and more like he "got" me better than the guy at home. Given time-and I now suspect a lot of calculated predatory behaviour from the OM-this EA crossed the line and become physical.

My H recently pulled away from the marriage for about 6 months- I looked at his phone and found frequent texts between him and a coworker. They were innocent mostly about work but there were a few questionable ones "you're the best" (he was complimenting her for a job well done) "we make a great team" (they had solved some problems the night before while working together). I asked him if he was turning towards her to get his physical or emotional needs met ? Of course he denied it. I also found out he had gone to her house several times (to help her move things..)He lied about this and talking to her on the phone for half his lunch when she was off sick- I did the VAR and got only him ranting about how he won't take a poly cuz he didn't do anything….We have been going to marriage counselling and are still together.

Heres what I think happened-our marriage got boring, I wasn't looking after myself, not interested in sex-along comes a new woman who works with him-they chat and text and find they have things in common, they are good listeners for each other, share day to day innocent stuff. They don't feel like they are doing anything wrong. He pulls further away at home. They find more reasons to spend time together- go to workshops, conferences together, lunches, work socials…..he will never admit to an EA or PA. Its over (EA/PA) at any rate and our new marriage is getting better and better. I still operate under trust and verify.

You seem like you are in a similar boat. I might mention as well that the desire for sex came back through starting on Wellbutrin (it increases Dopamine) losing a bit of weight and hysterical bonding.

Good luck to you. I hope things can be turned around for you both.
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post #45 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-16-2016, 08:44 AM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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Originally Posted by billbird2111 View Post
But, slowly, through the years, I began to lose my ability to get an erection of any type. The doctor prescribed Viagra, but that just made me feel like I was having a heart attack. Plus -- the resulting experience was anything but satisfying. I would satisfy my wife -- but I got absolutely nothing out of it. There was just no feeling there.

So -- sex today is whatever I can do for her with my fingers, mouth or toys. But I feel embarrassed -- less than a man. I mean -- if you cannot get or sustain an erection -- what kind of life is that? Pretty soon, it started to affect my self-confidence. I just didn't want to go through the motions anymore.
Two things:
1) See a good urologist - get your TLvls checked and plumbing looked at
2) Penile implant. Start researching that today



Quote:
Originally Posted by billbird2111 View Post
Worse yet, when some surgeries on my back and achilles tendons from "exercise injuries, it brought and end to working out and losing weight. I still eat healthy. I still walk around the neighborhood for daily exercise. But the days of hitting the weight room hard are pretty much over for me. I just can't go through the pain of another back surgery for spinal stenosis again.
.
You need to shift your paradigm about working out.

Can't lift weights - change your approach.

Get a sport wheel chair - there are ones with variable resistance for wheelchair athletes to help build strength and endurance.

Use that to build upper body strength and endurance.
Do leg lifts and planks to build your core
Do wall sits and weight free squats and lunges for back and legs

It's all in how you approach things.
Positive thought breeds success.
Negative thought breeds failure

Fix the low hanging fruit first - start your paradigm shift to change the extremely simple things about you that don't like.

Move on to more difficult issues with help of specialists (MC for example).

Always look to the positive.

We protect ourselves from lies,
By fanatically holding to our own truths.
But when our truths turn to fanaticism,
Our truths become the Lie.
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