Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #76 of 128 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 08:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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Pfffft.

Are you that clueless?

The most repressed people - usually because of organized religions - are those who are most likely to stand by those 'rules' and, eventually, BUST FREEEEEEEEE from the stupid, repressive rules and do what they really always wanted to do.
I've never been an overly religious guy. My wife always wanted me to convert to Catholicism but I've got religious family members in my background who served as Presbyterian ministers. I'm Irish, but for some reason I'm the only Irish guy that I know of who isn't Catholic. The family was Protestant and still is Protestant. And since I have a grandfather and a few others who served as ministers and were influential people in their lifetimes, I felt it important to stick with my Protestant upbringing.

But attend a Presbyterian church? What? Are you kidding? Ever been to a Presbyterian service? BORRRRINNG! I actually liked Catholic Mass better. Those Priests don't screw around. Mass is one hour and one hour only and you're OUT! That's important! More bar time is good.

There are a lot of people who dislike the Catholic church or all organized religion for the reasons that you state. And those feelings are fine. But I don't share them. I certainly don't blame the church or the Catholic religion for what my wife has done. That would be anger misdirected. No, I blame my wife. Religion did not do this to her. She did it to herself, and just ripped my heart out in the process.

I do want to thank everyone for their kind words. I'm telling you, all of you, it's helped a great deal to come back here and read the posts that everyone has left for me. I appreciate each and every one of them, even if you do not agree with my course of actions. It's good to hear opinions from a lot of different people. It helps to give me a strength that I did not have before.

Yeah, it's a sad story. But I'm going to get over this and come out stronger on the other side. You haven't heard the last from me yet.

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post #77 of 128 (permalink) Old 06-04-2016, 01:51 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Make no mistake about it, knowing your wife is in an affair with a married man with kids and you keep silent makes you as guilty as they are . I hope you get your balls back and do the right things. Is there anyone left in California that knows what that is.
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post #78 of 128 (permalink) Old 06-04-2016, 07:38 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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Make no mistake about it, knowing your wife is in an affair with a married man with kids and you keep silent makes you as guilty as they are . I hope you get your balls back and do the right things. Is there anyone left in California that knows what that is.
No. Not since I left.

"Life is a banquet and most poor sons a' *****es are starving to death." --Auntie Mame
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post #79 of 128 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 12:20 AM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

OP, I recommend a different path for you. Contact the OM, let him know you know about the affair, and ask him to drop all contact with your W. If he doesn't, you next action is to contact his W and fill her in on what's been happening. It is up to him to make a choice. Because you can do nothing until she is out of the affair fog.

Good luck.

The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married - John Fischer
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post #80 of 128 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 12:32 AM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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There are no children and she makes more money than I do. If there's any alimony, I'm getting it.

I still have not taken action to tell the wife anything. I've been told not to do it. It doesn't accomplish anything. It only serves to hurt her. She's going to find out at some point anyway and may have already found out. It would not help her to find out any more quickly than she is going to find out. Besides, like me, she strongly suspects something isn't right.

Men, take heed. If your wife asks you permission to take yoga classes, she is really asking your permission to meet with her lover and said yoga classes and have sex with said lover in the yoga facility shower room.

My two cents. It's now been one week since she left. Other than a couple of texts, I have not heard word boo from her. Not sure if I want too. She is avoiding me. I don't blame her. She destroyed a 14 year marriage. Worse yet, she's not only boning this other guy, she's hooked to Ecstasy.
That poor woman.

She's ALREADY in pain.

She's in limbo right now, and you know first-hand what that's like.

He's lying to her and gaslighting her at every turn.

And you're helping him do it.

Anyone telling you not to expose is advocating cowardice, so stop listening to them and do the right thing.

Tell her the truth while she still has a chance to save her marriage and her family.

Please.
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #81 of 128 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 01:02 AM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Please tell his wife. She deserves to know. If the A between your wife and the OM is serious (which it sounds like it is since your W left your marriage for him), he will pull the rug out from under her anyways eventually, by you telling her what is going on she may be able to make sure that doesn't happen divorcing him first, or it may help them R.

I'm sorry for what has happened to you.
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post #82 of 128 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 01:23 AM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
OP, I recommend a different path for you. Contact the OM, let him know you know about the affair, and ask him to drop all contact with your W. If he doesn't, you next action is to contact his W and fill her in on what's been happening. It is up to him to make a choice. Because you can do nothing until she is out of the affair fog.

Good luck.
Then OM just runs to his wife to get in front of it and work the story out between him and OPs wife. If he's going to expose he shouldn't be giving anyone the heads up and he should have concrete proof when he does.

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post #83 of 128 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 11:12 AM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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Then OM just runs to his wife to get in front of it and work the story out between him and OPs wife. If he's going to expose he shouldn't be giving anyone the heads up and he should have concrete proof when he does.

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There is a full admission to the affair, that is all the proof OP needs. And what exactly is OM gonna "work out" with his wife? Either way she now knows. And by telling the OM, the OP has also just given him fair warning to end it, otherwise further "sanctions" will be necessary.

Either way, by following my advice the pressure is on the APs to decide if they are willing to continue their behavior and risk everything.

The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married - John Fischer
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post #84 of 128 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 11:17 AM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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Did that. I've been seeing a marriage counselor for about the past six months. She wanted me to bring my wife for one of the sessions and I did just that. The counselor put it to her straight: Do you want this marriage to continue? Are you willing to make it work? Her answer was yes to both.

But -- I don't put a lot of stock in that. I also said the same thing to a marriage counselor when I was with my first wife. I told him the same thing that my wife said. Only later, after my wife had left the room, did I tell him the truth. The answer was "no" because there was someone else in the picture. That someone else is my current wife.

Perhaps this is just karma coming back to bite me in the keester. I put someone else through Hell. Karma has a way of paying you back, in spades.
You cheated on your previous marriage with this current wife of yours. Yes, the karma bus has come to visit you. You are no longer challenging for her. Now, this new man gives her attention and challenge. You know the answer.
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post #85 of 128 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 11:27 AM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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You cheated on your previous marriage with this current wife of yours. Yes, the karma bus has come to visit you. You are no longer challenging for her. Now, this new man gives her attention and challenge. You know the answer.
Guess I missed all that.

Things are a bit clearer now.


Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #86 of 128 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 05:08 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
There is a full admission to the affair, that is all the proof OP needs. And what exactly is OM gonna "work out" with his wife? Either way she now knows. And by telling the OM, the OP has also just given him fair warning to end it, otherwise further "sanctions" will be necessary.

Either way, by following my advice the pressure is on the APs to decide if they are willing to continue their behavior and risk everything.
If OP has proof himself why does he have to rely on the OM to expose himself? If he exposes with proof to the OBS, there's a better chance the AP isn't going to see it coming and will throw the WS under the bus to save his own skin and his marriage. And the AP sure as hell doesn't deserve fair warning.

Cheaters give Oscar winning performances when it comes to lying and gas lighting. Not to mention plenty of WS are predisposed to not wanting to believe they're being cheated on. And there have been plenty of stories here of BS confronting the AP, threatening exposure, and then the AP turns around and paints the BS as some crazy abusive whack job whose marriage was already failing, spinning other lies, and softening the blow before the OBS can be spoken with. And whoever initiates the narrative, no matter how true or false, tends to set the tone of the fallout. At the very least OP exposes with the proof himself, it will make it harder for the AP to lie and gaslight his way out of.

AP will face far more pressure if the OBS confronts him after speaking with the BS, than if he has time to gather his thoughts and get his story and lies straight with the WS.

Granted if he threatens the AP with exposure it MIGHT get him to back off, but like I said there have been plenty of cases here where the BS threatens exposure and it blows up in their face because they tipped their hand to the AP or WS. If he exposes himself without letting on to the AP (and the WS) he greatly reduces the chance of that happening. Not to mention exposure should happen regardless of whether the AP backs off or not.

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."

Last edited by Jasel; 06-05-2016 at 06:01 PM.
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post #87 of 128 (permalink) Old 07-28-2016, 07:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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Guess I missed all that.

Things are a bit clearer now.
This is incorrect because Roselyn failed to read correctly. I met my current wife when I was still married, yes. But I never cheated on her.

The marriage was already falling apart when the new woman walked into the picture. Long story -- but never marry a lady who needs psychiatric medication to stay stable. I'll leave it at that.

Current wife would not get anywhere near a bedroom with me until the first marriage was over. She wouldn't make any promises either. She also moved to a new city.

So, there was no "affair." There was interest, but no promises made. After my divorce was final, I wound up moving a year later to the city she was in and at that point we started dating.

I sure wish some people would read posts.
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post #88 of 128 (permalink) Old 07-28-2016, 07:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

So -- let's see. It's now been a little over two months since she left. She took the action of hiring a lawyer and serving me with divorce papers last weekend because I didn't call the mediator she wanted to use fast enough. So -- I called the mediator and she's backed off with the attorney. The first phone call with the mediator will take place tomorrow. Soon, I will learn what her "demands" are going to be, but she hinted previously that she wanted an equal split.

BUT -- now that her lover has been fired from his job (something she blames me for) -- perhaps her goals have changed. She may be trying to hurt me now. I don't know. I'll suppose I'll find out soon. I know she's moved to an apartment complex on the other side of town. She was forced to give the mediator another phone number when she confided that her cellphone has been acting a bit quirky lately. As soon as I got that number I tracked her down in ten minutes. I don't know the apartment number and I don't want to know. But I do know this puts her closer to the guy she's been cheating on me with. At first I thought that relationship had ended. Now I'm not so sure. Who knows? I've stopped caring to be brutally honest. I need to think about myself now.

I've pretty much written off all hope that she'll come back. I've accepted the fact that she's left. The shock of losing her is almost gone now, replaced with the realization that she's gone, she's not coming back and she wants a quick end to the marriage. The marriage counselor I've been seeing tells me this is typical with married women who cheat. I trust her because she's been doing this for decades now and has pretty much "seen it all." She strongly believes that, at some point, my wife is going to wise up and realize she's made a boneheaded decision and want to work on restoring the marriage. And she tells me in a lot of cases there is reconciliation. In some cases, the guy has already moved on. And in some cases, the divorce just happens. You just can't tell. So, we'll see. But it's going to take a lot of time from what she told me -- probably a year or maybe even more. She might even wind up marrying her lover, which will prove to be a tremendous mistake. His children will hate her. I know this from experience. She will be my "Clara," the woman my father left my mother for when I was three. I hated Clara. I saw Clara as the woman who broke up mommy and daddy. Children don't see in gray colors. They see only black and white. So, if that does happens, my soon to be ex is in for a big surprise because those kids are around eight or nine years old. They will not understand.

Based upon the advice I received here, I did try to call the other wife. I left a message. Told her my name. Told her my wife's name. I asked if we could talk. I left my phone number. She never called me back. She either doesn't want to talk -- or is a wife who is allowing her husband to step out and "sow some oats," in the hopes that he will not dump her or the children. Point being, I just don't know. But I did try to contact her.

Three of the four homes we owned are already up for sale. The people renting these places are in for a big shock. I'm in the fourth and last home -- the home we shared together. Staying there gets more depressing with every single day that passes. Some people have told me to keep the place for myself, but I can't do that. That was the home we shared together. We built that garden together. The roses bushes that adorn the backyard were planted in the memory of her mother. The raised planter beds we built for gardening purposes were built by me and her father -- using her father's design. Every spot in that home is a reminder of her and what I've lost. So -- that home goes bye-bye. The problem is it needs some upgrade work before we can put it on the market, and guess who gets stuck with that project? I'm only doing this because I will need the money from the sale of this home to purchase another place. This home is very unique and will bring a price of close to a half million once it's been upgraded. But it needs about $10K worth of work to get it to that "sale condition."

I work in a unique job where the position actually ends every six to eight years (it's politics and politicians have term limits). I've managed to transition to other offices for the past 18 years, but now the thought of moving onto a different city is starting to sound appealing to me. I'm free. There are no children. I have marketable skills and I do a good job at what I do. So -- I'm starting to look at positions in areas that are still close by -- but are actually in different cities. You know what they say about change, right? Change is scary. But change is almost always good for you in the long run.

I'll be honest. I still miss her a great deal. I don't know if I could ever take her back after what she's done, but we did have a nice life together (up until she started cheating on me). I will take a lot of happy memories from this. But also feel a sorrow over the way it turned out.

It helps to write about this. That's why I keep coming back to update what's going on. I'll still take some friendly advice, however. Just don't be like Roselyn and pass judgement since she failed to read a post correctly and surmised that this is karma because I cheated on my first wife with the second wife (which did not happen).
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post #89 of 128 (permalink) Old 07-28-2016, 08:23 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Good progress. Now, whatever happens will be because YOU want it to. That's always good. If you do, for some reason, decide to take her back, be safe and tell her you won't take her back for a full year, during which she will have to continue to pay her own way - no help from you. That way, if she just wanted the financial aspect back, she won't hang around and you'll dodge a bullet.

btw, I worked at NASA, did the whole rebid the contract (and get fewer benefits and more work, for less pay) every six years. It sucked.
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post #90 of 128 (permalink) Old 07-28-2016, 09:28 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

@billbird2111 - Is she still doing Ecstasy?
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