Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun? - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 12:35 PM Thread Starter
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Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Married for nearly 14 years. The last year has been absolute Hell. When my wife's brother died unexpectedly she changed a great deal. She pulled away from me. She detached. She routinely lies now about where she's been, who she's been with, what she's been doing. I know this because I've caught her in some real whoppers.

She never acted like this before. I truly believed we were happy as a couple. I know I was. Key word: was. The past year has been horrific. When I joined this forum last night, I read a few posts from people who did some checking on their wives (I guess you could call it snooping). In some cases they found the "smoking gun." In other cases, they weren't sure. I'm in the second category. I'm not sure.

My wife was once my very best friend. We confided in each other about everything. We traded notes 20 or 30 times a day. Now? I don't hear from her at all. She's just stopped all communication with me.

I found this email thread between her and a gentleman I know. There were several of them to be honest. They were not in her email inbox. They were not in the trash section, which she routinely cleans (deletes). Nope. She forgot to clean out one other section of her email: the "sent" file. This is where I found them -- the exchanges. They will email each other 10-12 times in the space of four hours.

Now -- what you're about to see is just one of these exchanges. The names and places have been covered up to protect the innocent. TAM moderators? I need your help. I've never been through anything like this before. You, on the other hand, have seen a lot of this. What's the deal?

(9)
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The Male
To
My Wife

Feb 9 at 7:14 AM
Think this is a job I could stomach?

https://www.employment.ucdavis.edu/a...etails_css.jsp

Sent from my iPad
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My Wife
To
The Male

Feb 9 at 9:08 AM
The link won't open. In (a city) today. You aren't serious about leaving (your place of employment) though unless they invite you to leave, right?

Sent from my iPhone
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The Male
To
My Wife

Feb 9 at 11:02 AM
Seriously looking, yes. I need an intermediate step out of state worker coverage so that my options are more open. Ina position where I need more than a hobby job (I.e. Pension, even if measely)

Sent from my iPhone
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My Wife
To
The Male

Feb 9 at 11:58 AM
This seems really rash, but I'm a little in the dark and don't want to be unsupportive. still can't open the damn link. Take a few breaths though.

Sent from my iPhone
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The Male
To:
My Wife

You are right. I need to calm down. Good advice. Thanks. Sent from my iPhone > On Feb 9, 2016, at 11:58 AM,

Feb 9 at 12:07 PM
My Wife
To
The Male

Feb 9 at 12:23 PM
Don't give into the Latin drama queen, she said from the Cuban restaurant

Sent from my iPhone
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The Male
To
My Wife

Feb 9 at 1:05 PM
No. Sound advice. I will disclose more later, but as you prolly realize, personal life is turned inside out. Has me reevaluating a lot of things, including my job and how it feeds my insatiable ego. Plus, I have zero security if I wind up going forward alone. I like what I do, but it may be a job I can no longer afford.

Having said that, I'm not in a good place to decide **** right now. So I need to sit tight, calm down and wait.

Sent from my iPhone
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My Wife
To
The Male

Feb 9 at 1:54 PM
Don't be so hard on yourself. Whatever; whenever, I'm here.

Sent from my iPhone
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The Male
To
My Wife

Feb 9 at 1:59 PM
I know. Thanks

Sent from my iPhone
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post #2 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 12:51 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

I don't see a smoking gun in the email exchange. But the fact that she is freezing you out and appearing to concentrate on the Other Man is not good. She could just be advising him on his career path, however, lots of Emotional Affairs can start that way. A traumatic event, especially the death of a family member, can cause a sudden change in behavior.

Plus, if she is attempting to hide the communication with him from you, then she knows it is inappropriate for a married woman.

You have ample reason to keep investigating. Get a couple of VARs put one in her car. And one in the area of your home where she goes alone and takes her phone.
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post #3 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 12:54 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Bill, Your wife might be involved in an emotional affair with the other man. People often change after a significant death and start re-evaluating their life. If there is a void - either emotional or physical - they seek to fill it outside the marriage.

Does she work with the other man? Is he married? How do you know him and how long as your wife known him?

I read your other post and looks like classic EA.

You are not crazy.
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post #4 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 01:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
Bill, Your wife might be involved in an emotional affair with the other man. People often change after a significant death and start re-evaluating their life. If there is a void - either emotional or physical - they seek to fill it outside the marriage.

Does she work with the other man? Is he married? How do you know him and how long as your wife known him?

I read your other post and looks like classic EA.

You are not crazy.
The male is a reporter. My wife is an Information Officer. So, yes, they deal with each other professionally. Even I have to deal with this guy from time to time in my course of work.

What gets me is the number of exchanges between the two. This wasn't the only one. There are probably ten that I've discovered so far -- and each exchange is 10-12 messages each.

Again, there's no smoking gun except that his personal life is a wreck, which can be caused by infidelity. And the one line that she wrote back to him which concerns me a great deal: "Whatever, whenever, I'm there."

I keep going back to that line. It gets me. It really strikes at the gut. If she's seeing this guy, it would explain a lot of her behavior in the past year.

This is my second marriage. I met my second wife in the process of pulling away from my first one. She wasn't the cause of the problems in my first marriage, but she certainly accelerated the breakup.

And I know, from experience, that once you step out on a spouse and do the deed, it's over. The love dies. You can't get it back. You don't want it back. You're ready to move on.

So, yeah, I know what this could mean. If it means that.
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post #5 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 01:10 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

If it is all innocent work related exchanges, why try to hide it from you?
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post #6 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 01:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TDSC60 View Post
I don't see a smoking gun in the email exchange. But the fact that she is freezing you out and appearing to concentrate on the Other Man is not good. She could just be advising him on his career path, however, lots of Emotional Affairs can start that way. A traumatic event, especially the death of a family member, can cause a sudden change in behavior.

Plus, if she is attempting to hide the communication with him from you, then she knows it is inappropriate for a married woman.

You have ample reason to keep investigating. Get a couple of VARs put one in her car. And one in the area of your home where she goes alone and takes her phone.
What is a VAR?
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post #7 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 01:17 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Where do you want to go from here? Do you want/more evidence so you can confront her? Do you want to stay married, and if yes, why?

VAR= voice activated recorder. Digital.
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post #8 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 01:23 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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Originally Posted by billbird2111 View Post
What is a VAR?
Voice Activated Recorder.

A handheld device to record conversations. Also buy some velcro so you can place it under the seat of the car. It will record her side of any conversation that take place in the car. Cheaters often talk to their affair partners in a place they cannot be overheard.

Also should purchase some cheap ear buds. Cut the wire then use the plug. That way any dings or alarms remain unheard.

If you notice her going into one of the rooms in your house and having private conversations, put a VAR in that room too.
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post #9 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 01:26 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

PS

Buy fresh batteries. Use the one that come with it to test and experiment with it. When you are ready to deploy it, put new batteries in.
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post #10 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 01:26 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

@TDSC60 can you provide Bill the link to the standard evidence list?

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post #11 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 01:31 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

I have learned from my many years of military experience that some problems require you to meet then head on. I suggest you sit down with your wife, look her in the eye and ask, " Do you still love me? Are you still IN love with me? Are you happy with me?" If you get a "yes" to these questions then you need to tell her how you feel about the last year. If you get a "no" then the next question should be, "Is there someone else?" A man and a woman can't fix something in their relationship unless they TALK to each other and be honest in their feelings.
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post #12 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 01:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
Where do you want to go from here? Do you want/more evidence so you can confront her? Do you want to stay married, and if yes, why?

VAR= voice activated recorder. Digital.
Honestly? What do I want? I want my wife back.

But, if my suspicions are correct and she's stepped out on me, I realize that is never going to happen. I'm old enough to know this isn't some Disney movie with a happy ending.

Where does one purchase a VAR? She doesn't run off and have conversations in a private room. But her car is a different story.

I want evidence that this happening or not happening. If it is happening, then I need to take steps to look out for number one.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I do appreciate it.
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post #13 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 01:37 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Try this;

Standard Evidence Post

Good luck
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post #14 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 01:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

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Originally Posted by whitewolf View Post
I have learned from my many years of military experience that some problems require you to meet then head on. I suggest you sit down with your wife, look her in the eye and ask, " Do you still love me? Are you still IN love with me? Are you happy with me?" If you get a "yes" to these questions then you need to tell her how you feel about the last year. If you get a "no" then the next question should be, "Is there someone else?" A man and a woman can't fix something in their relationship unless they TALK to each other and be honest in their feelings.
Did that. I've been seeing a marriage counselor for about the past six months. She wanted me to bring my wife for one of the sessions and I did just that. The counselor put it to her straight: Do you want this marriage to continue? Are you willing to make it work? Her answer was yes to both.

But -- I don't put a lot of stock in that. I also said the same thing to a marriage counselor when I was with my first wife. I told him the same thing that my wife said. Only later, after my wife had left the room, did I tell him the truth. The answer was "no" because there was someone else in the picture. That someone else is my current wife.

Perhaps this is just karma coming back to bite me in the keester. I put someone else through Hell. Karma has a way of paying you back, in spades.
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post #15 of 132 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 01:41 PM
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Re: Am I Crazy? Or is this the Smoking Gun?

Quote:
Originally Posted by billbird2111 View Post
Honestly? What do I want? I want my wife back.

But, if my suspicions are correct and she's stepped out on me, I realize that is never going to happen. I'm old enough to know this isn't some Disney movie with a happy ending.

Where does one purchase a VAR? She doesn't run off and have conversations in a private room. But her car is a different story.

I want evidence that this happening or not happening. If it is happening, then I need to take steps to look out for number one.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I do appreciate it.
VAR can be bought at almost any place that deals in electronics of computers. Radio Shack, Wal Mart. But I recommend Best Buy. You don't want the el cheapo brand nor the expensive top of the line model.
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