how to cope with cheating wife
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-19-2011, 05:18 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default how to cope with cheating wife

hi
we r married for 11 yrs now.Recently wifes behaviour changed a lot.Trying to avoid me and was not spending much time with me.Hiding the phone whenever I come to house.I fund that she was texting her office collegue almost since 4 months and from morning till late in the night.We had confrontation over that and she admitted that she was texting but its just normal talk about daily activities only thing is duration is more.she says never had any physical contact .she gives the explanation that she needed somebody to talk as I was not spending much time with her.She was lured into this to pass the time as she was feeling alone.We have two kids. we had ups and downs in the family life.She is admitting now that she made a mistake and asking for forgiveness and will completely avoid the other person .I was also compromised because of kids and I also love her.Problem is I am unable to digest that she was texting almost 300 messages a day even when they are sitting in office as they did't want anybody else to know.I am trying to forget about this and go on with life but somany things are eating my brain.They still work together as he is her senior.how can deal with this situation ..any suggestions pls.
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Old 09-19-2011, 05:49 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: how to cope with cheating wife

You need to deal with this like any physical affair. Honestly understand that it could have. All you can do it work on your marriage. Address what was the cause. Everyone has thinks that they can do to improve.

I understand how you feel about her and the kids totally. I love my wife and kids very much and would never want to lose them. I chose to stay even after my wifes affair. Her affair sounded very much like your wifes with the exception that it had gone physical. Emotional affairs are very dangerous and I would imagine are guaranteed to go physical as soon as there is an opportunity to do so.

Keep reading here. There is good stuff on this forum.
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Old 09-19-2011, 06:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: how to cope with cheating wife

Read the following pos from lordmayhem

I think she is cheating...

You wife has to hand write a no contact letter , one that you review before it is sent , this is as much for you as it is for her to give the message that the affair is over.

A sample letter below

No Contact Letter

Don't let her dilute the letter

If she declines then you know she is not committed to you or your marriage .

Lastly track the OM down and let his wife or signigicant other know of his adultery or if he has neither let his parents or siblings know, again this is to ensure he does not come sniffing around your wife as he has no consequences .

Sample exposure letter at the end of the page in this link

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24638-exposure-when-right.html

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Last edited by Eli-Zor; 09-19-2011 at 06:33 AM.
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:54 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: how to cope with cheating wife

First, you need to snoop. If your wife has a smart phone, install spyware on the phone so that you can see the messages. Also, put keylogger software on any computers your wife uses. Also, put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car. This should give you substantial evidence that the affair is either continuing, or truly over.

If the OM is married, tell his wife about the affair. She may be able to help you ensure that there is no after-business contact.

As far as working together, your wife should look for other employment. If you can afford for her to quit right away, then do that. If not, she should start looking for another job while attempting to maintain a strictly professional relationship with the OM. If her company is large, she may be able to get a transfer to another department if she tells HR that she had an affair with OM. But, that might get her fired as well.

Your wife also needs to give you complete transparency. You should have access to her email, Facebook, phone, everything. When she's leaving work, she should call you. If she hits traffic and will be 10 minutes late, she should call you. You need to be checking on her like she's your teenage daughter. Eventually, you will begin to trust her again because her actions will prove that she has recommitted to you.

Good luck.
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Old 09-19-2011, 08:29 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: how to cope with cheating wife

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Originally Posted by heat View Post
hi
almost 300 messages a day
DAMN! Is that even possible? How much time did she spend communicating with you all that time?

And they still work in the office together? Damn. She needs to find a new job. It's not over between them. That's an addiction. Cold turkey. Full no contact. The affair hasn't even slowed down. Just gone underground. You know that. That's why it's eating at you.

And how many times has she just said "give it a rest. It's over. Get over it" to you since it "ended"?
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Old 09-19-2011, 10:08 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: how to cope with cheating wife

thanks for the suggestions.She says its over and she does't want to talk about it as she is also feeling guilty and not talking to the guy at all until and unless its a must regarding job.Actually i called that guy and warned about the serious consequences he might to have to face and also threatened to inform his wife so and so.As of now I don't think anything is going.Regarding quitting the job immediately its not possible as I have to pay some amount if she resign. temporarly I just hope she is really repenting for what she did.she is not touching the phone unless its must and showing me the calls and messages she is getting.I got the call details done previously hope get the messages also to see exactly what it all about.
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Old 09-19-2011, 11:09 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: how to cope with cheating wife

Good luck but I'm not too hopeful if you don't take a little more action. I would absolutely contact OMW with what you know. You do not have the ability to verify anything without a helping hand here.
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Old 09-19-2011, 11:41 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: how to cope with cheating wife

Do not let your wife carpet sweep this. She should be opening up and discussing this affair. Call it a consequence she must face.

Acknowledge the fact that is is painfull for her to talk, but then reinsure her that the both of you must learn from her bad judgement, so a dialog must take place, and in order for you both to heal, so she needs to talk about it to you.


She is emotionaly venting to someone, and whats scary is it isn't you.

I have a feeling the affiar is still ongoing and she will resist your attempts in discussing it.

I may be wrong and your WW may see that a discussion could be a healthy way to repair the M. Her openess to talk would be a good indication that she no longer needs this emotional connection with OM, and is will willing to talk to you about all of this.

She should quit her job, another consequence ( neversh!t were your eat). Is the marriage worth it? She will always be influenced by the OM. This will not go away until she truely faces the need to find work else were. The dynamics of your marriage will continue to be effected every time she goes to work.

The bast way to cope is by her doing the heavy lifting in helping you heal. IMHO she is doing a terrible job by not even being remoresful enough to openly talk to you. Granted the work thing is tough, but at the very least she should open up this can of worms and own it by answering all your quiestions. This crap should be taken with a head on, ful blown approach so as to learn from and understand the dynamics so in the hope of preventing it from happening again.
This is all hard to do when a WW is still involved.
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Old 09-19-2011, 11:47 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: how to cope with cheating wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by heat View Post
thanks for the suggestions.She says its over and she does't want to talk about it as she is also feeling guilty and not talking to the guy at all until and unless its a must regarding job.Actually i called that guy and warned about the serious consequences he might to have to face and also threatened to inform his wife so and so.As of now I don't think anything is going.Regarding quitting the job immediately its not possible as I have to pay some amount if she resign. temporarly I just hope she is really repenting for what she did.she is not touching the phone unless its must and showing me the calls and messages she is getting.I got the call details done previously hope get the messages also to see exactly what it all about.
She is rug sweeping.

I hope the money you are saving is worth the risk. No job is worth a marriage IMHO.

While she owns her affair and there is no excuse you need to find out what has been lacking in your marriage. Office EAs are more common that many would imagine. They can happen in very good marriages. I suggest His Needs Her Needs and set appropriate agreed upon boundaries.
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Old 09-19-2011, 12:43 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: how to cope with cheating wife

In my opinion:

The affair isn't over by a long shot. 300 messages a day indicates that she is in this thing pretty deep. I would venture to say that physical contact has been made...regardless of what she says.


Trust nothing that comes out of her mouth, verify everything. If you allow yourself to be drug into her "reality," she will leave you so confused and emotionally distraught you won't know which way is up.

Take a step back and evaluate the situation from a logical stand point. Watch her behavior with a microscopic eye.

The "no contact" letter is a good starting point and will let you know if she's willing to drop the OM, although this is not a guarantee that they won't contact each other...be on your guard.
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Old 09-19-2011, 01:50 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I should admitt here onething that as mr guy said ,she tried to open up by means coming and sitting in front and willingness to answer anything I have to ask but at the same time she never answers completely but tries to say that its normal talk as 5 mts conversation takes 10 messages to type .It happened recently about 10 days back. she requests me she is also going through guilty feeling and wants to forget about it ASAP .
,That is the only mistake she did and remorse for the long duration of chatting other thanthat she says never committed in any other way and the OM recently started sending love messages as I am in love with you ect .For this she says she realizzed that its going to far and was trying to cutdown slowly rather than abruptly.In fact her call details shows the same where as outgoing messages has dropped to certain amount by the time I caught.she says that she wants back her normal life and can do anything for that and asking for forgiveness.Its very difficult for me wether to believe her or not.
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Old 09-19-2011, 02:27 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: how to cope with cheating wife

"Its very difficult for me wether to believe her or not."

Right and keep your guard up!

Can you see what was being text back and forth? Or did she delete all evidence?
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Old 09-19-2011, 02:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heat View Post
I should admitt here onething that as mr guy said ,she tried to open up by means coming and sitting in front and willingness to answer anything I have to ask but at the same time she never answers completely but tries to say that its normal talk as 5 mts conversation takes 10 messages to type .It happened recently about 10 days back. she requests me she is also going through guilty feeling and wants to forget about it ASAP .
,That is the only mistake she did and remorse for the long duration of chatting other thanthat she says never committed in any other way and the OM recently started sending love messages as I am in love with you ect .For this she says she realizzed that its going to far and was trying to cutdown slowly rather than abruptly.In fact her call details shows the same where as outgoing messages has dropped to certain amount by the time I caught.she says that she wants back her normal life and can do anything for that and asking for forgiveness.Its very difficult for me wether to believe her or not.
You do not slow down an affair. It must be handled abruptly with full NC. When a boundary is crossed you stop. You don't proceed slowly.
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Old 09-19-2011, 02:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I think this cheating crap should never be forgoten especially form the WW side. Remembering the pain and the hurt it caused both of you. She should face this and learn from it. Not bury it and block it out. But thats just me , I never cheated.

In addition she needs to stop all contact, again another consequences, the OM does not diserve the "soft or lite" let down. He messed around with a married women and thats what he gets an adrubt and sudden break up with no other reason needed other then the women he was seeing is married and wants her marriage more then the affair with him. Screw his feelings

The OM does not diserve to be let down easy. No contact right now she is going to alow the OM to influence her if it continues.

Right now alls it takes is the two of you to have a fight and she goes running back to OM and him telling her "I told you so" . The fact remains your wife is opening up to OM about the two of you working it out, when she should be talking to you about this.
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