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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-19-2011, 04:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Question how many haved filed for divorce and then reconcile before final

My husband and I are separated for 5 months now and he is openly caring on an affair with an undesirable woman. I had given him my "terms" to reconcile which her has ignored. living in Limbo is hurtful and hell. He is on the fence whether to reconcile and his pride is crushed. He feels that people would give him a really hard time abbout his actions and he would just rather sweep it under the rug then take responsibility for his mistakes and apologize and be remorseful to me and his family.
I cannot live in this hurtful situation any longer and am filing for divorce on October 15th. Tomorrow is 15 yr anniversary and Oct 4 is his birthday. Figured I would wait and get emotionally ready to file.

My question to the group, how many of you have lived in limbo and sat on the fence for a while, then file for divorce and in fact reconciled later before divorce was final?
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Old 09-19-2011, 05:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: how many haved filed for divorce and then reconcile before final

It does happen sometimes, that a couple will reconcile befor ethe big D.

In your case, your husband is still being a coward and carrying on his affair and isn't fully committed to you (hence his "scorched earth attitude" and his feelings of shame and thinking people will give him a hard time). He isn't ready to reconcile if that's his attitude. Hell, he hasn't even owned what he's done or faced the gravity of it if he's still openly having an affair.

Is the 'Undesirable woman" married or partnered? If so, you MUST out her to her husband/boyf/family. Do so without telling the OW or you husband first so they don't have time to get their stories straight.
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Old 09-19-2011, 05:27 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: how many haved filed for divorce and then reconcile before final

Jellybeans - No the "undesirable" woman is not married. She has 4 duis, been fired from her last job 3 months ago for anger issues and is carrying on an affair with a married man.

He feels like he is doing nothing wrong at this point since I threw him out im May. Had the nerve to go to breakfast last week with this woman and my 11 yr. old daughter. When I confronted him about still being married, he just said I was being unreasonable.

He is living in a major fog. Had his family over yesterday for a family party (without him) and found out know one has called him in months and refuses to hear anything about the other woman. His mom is so disappointed with him. I know known of his/ours friends see or talk to him any longer. He just sits at her house at night while she goes and works at this low life bar.

He was such a kind loving man when I met him. I don't know who the hell he is any longer. Everyone is convinced he is on drugs or is bi-polar. Either way, he says he loves me, but refuses to break it off with this tramp and work on our marriage so I need to move on. I really need to protect my child from her crowd.
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Old 09-19-2011, 06:18 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: how many haved filed for divorce and then reconcile before final

There doesn't seem to be much to reconcile with at this point. You kicked him out in May, he hasn't owned up to his responsibilities for the affair, is still engaged in the affair, has not committed to you nor your marriage in any way and seems very willing to let it all go. At this point, there isn't much to rebuild on.
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Old 09-19-2011, 06:32 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: how many haved filed for divorce and then reconcile before final

Filing for divorce is probably best at this point. He is pretty adamant that he wants her. Monumentally stupid, but you can not control him.

Start Letting Go of him. The man you loved has gone and really will never return. If you do have a relationship, it will be a new one.
In the meantime..
Go and get a new life that does not involve him. I know this sounds impossible, but once you start doing things the way you want it becomes a habit. I am so sorry that he is being an assosauras [thanks Apple] move on.. Read the letting go thread!
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: how many haved filed for divorce and then reconcile before final

I don't want to give you any false hope but that did happen with me, however, in the end we still divorced. In 2003, my husband left me for OW. He filed for divorce. We went through the whole divorce process of court dates and lawyer visits, etc. Then in 2005 before the divorce was finalized, he asked to come back and I let him. Now fast forward to June, 2011--we divorced because he was unafithful again. So, yes it happens but even if it does happen, don't ever let your guard down.
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:29 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: how many haved filed for divorce and then reconcile before final

Geoffrey Marsh did. He says so in his thread:

There is always hope.
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:43 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: how many haved filed for divorce and then reconcile before final

I understand where you are coming from. I was in your spot for three years beginning in 2006. My estranged husband finally moved out of the family home in 2008 after I started putting my foot down on his open marriage policy. He told me he stilled loved me, but he couldn't live with me. He spent a year straddling the fence. During this time he was partying and seeing many young women. Unfortunately, he was draining our business to fund his lifestyle. I could no longer stand by and watch what he was doing. Living in limbo was bad enough, but to watch the destruction was even harder.

Upon getting legal counsel, I filed for divorce primarily to get the courts involved in the fight to save our business. My attempts there also failed and the business finally closed. The divorce filing drove him further away and deeper into his other lifestyle. Although I'm not in limbo any longer, I'm still not divorced after almost three years either. We don't even speak any longer. He now lives with a much younger tramp.....and that's another story. lol

The way I see your situation is that your husband MADE his choice. He is not living in limbo. It's now time for you to make your choice.
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: how many haved filed for divorce and then reconcile before final

It happens. Sometimes people reconcile after divorce. I think you just have to move on with your life either way, begin the New New.

If he ever wakes up and wants to try again, then it will be entirely up to you. You may want to or you may not, but don't put your life on hold hoping it will happen.
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Old 09-19-2011, 09:41 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: how many haved filed for divorce and then reconcile before final

Thanks everyone for your responses. Although it is hard to read, my head knows that the marriage has ended and that it is time to file for divorce and move on.

I am pretty melancholy today thinking that 15 years ago, I was having my rehearsal dinner with our families and so happy to be starting my new life with this man.

Tomorrow is my 15 yr wedding anniversary and I will be going to my daughter's open house at school to meet her new teachers. I am hoping the day goes smoothly and uneventful.

I am very greatly to have support from my family, my in laws (who I love) and friends.

My main goal at this point is for my daughter to feel safe and loved by both parents....
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Old 09-20-2011, 07:47 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: how many haved filed for divorce and then reconcile before final

My H and I reconciled after 5 months (back together a little over a year now). We did file divorce papers, responses, went to court, blah blah. My H had everything at first because I screwed up (no affair or anything, just blew up), then he got in trouble with the law and was getting ready to lose everything and came crawling back, begging basically. I saw it for what it was though, but I was happy to have my family back after my emotional breakdown. We really didn't have any affairs on either of our parts, but he did do some pretty wrong stuff during our marriage (craigslist personals, lots of porn surfing, chatting with women online, physical and emotional abuse, lying and really who the heck knows what else for sure). He continued to do some stuff once we reconciled, but about 3 months ago he changed, so I'm somewhat waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I really hope this change sticks cause I like it a lot now! Good luck to you!
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Old 09-24-2011, 09:27 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: how many haved filed for divorce and then reconcile before final

It happens!!! I am proof of it.

I filed for a D from my cheating H and in about a months time he was begging for a second chance.

Of course there is a lot more to the story. I did a true 180 and outed him too. It wasn't until then did his fog lift and he could see what he was doing and what the consequences of his actions were going to be.

That "fog" in pretty powerful. Like a drug and it take a lot to pull someone out of it.

Good luck to you!
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Old 09-25-2011, 06:06 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: how many haved filed for divorce and then reconcile before final

There was infidelity in our relationship in 2004. 2006. 2007. divorce was filed in 2007. Our oldest got sick, in the hospital, serious. We had been separated about 6 months. We talked and decided that we should try and work things out. (forward ahead 4 years)

Now its 2011. We have been back together 4 years. And it sucks. The past is no longer a huge red sore in our relationship, but it definetly defines our future. The hurts we both endured are HUGE scars. There is no trust. there is no intimacy.. emotional or sexual. There is no "best friend" syndrome anywhere. There is nothing. IMHO.. I just do not think that there is reward in reconciliation. I am more lonely now than ever. We dont talk, we dont touch, we dont have sex. I can pretty much tell you that it isnt worth that effort.
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Old 09-26-2011, 08:22 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: how many haved filed for divorce and then reconcile before final

My W filed for a D (I should had but was a coward) and after the 61 day waiting period (Texas) I decided I wanted the D myself and asked her to finalize it. She was living with the OM at the time and I was dating and a bit confused why she didn’t make a court date. When I pressed (I had been NC for almost the whole time) she left the OM and begged me the take her back. We are still together and that was like 3 years ago.

My dad left my step-mom after 12 years and married his HS sweetheart…for about 9 months…then D her and remarried my original step-mom. It just goes to show nothing is really over (until you die that is).
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Old 08-06-2012, 09:41 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: how many haved filed for divorce and then reconcile before final

My WAF has filed for divorce, i madly love her and want to sort things out. Good to read it is a possibilty to reconcile during a divorce process
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