For those dealing with serial cheaters...how do you even move forward?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-20-2011, 08:02 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default For those dealing with serial cheaters...how do you even move forward?

It's such a different dynamic than a one time (person) mess up. I too am married to a woman who was so incredibly selfish, that had the opportunities came up - coupled with a husband that didn't take action - she would have been having EA/PAs for her entire life.

I'm a different person now than I was back at May's D-Day. I will be a-ok in this world, with or without her. And wow, what opportunity there is out there as far as women go. . .it's like I took the pillow case off my head and the ease of courting ladies as a grounded middle aged guy who has stayed in shape. . . let's just say there are plenty of options.

BUT, I do care for my wife, yet the severity of damage done is honestly a bit overwhelming to get over. I can't ever look at our wedding pics again now knowing she indeed was in a 2nd relationship, arguably a more intense one than ours was, and though she picked 'me', goodbye to the other guy took place in our house, while we were engaged.

Multiple guys, things that were done risked her health and mine, the sanctuary of our house ruined, oh, and I know we have discussed it is common to affair down when getting with someone else (as was the case with my WW, she took care of losers...guess she liked being in the drivers seat), but it is something I have a real problem with - I offered her everything and yet it was not enough...she also needed attention from a fat guy in chapter 11 BK. WHAT ON EARTH?

Am I really going to get over this? With the post-nup, it's like my wife has become my prisoner of war, and that is not really fair to her.

I guess what I'm realizing is that if there is any chance for us to R, it is going to take a LONG time. . .I am now in the belief we may be separated, but civil, for a year perhaps.

But I need to avoid my tendency to long range forecast. . and focus more on what's one hour down the road. . .not 6 months down the road.
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Old 09-20-2011, 08:07 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: For those dealing with serial cheaters...how do you even move forward?

Sounds like you have also been the classic obligated type. obligated to your family, your wife, kids if any.
Just remember that nows the time to open the window for yourself too, to let a little wind flow thru the room of your own wants and needs without hers taken into consideration. So often we forget ourselves... I sure did.
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Old 09-20-2011, 08:07 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: For those dealing with serial cheaters...how do you even move forward?

how is things going with the sweet ladies from the other post ???
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Old 09-20-2011, 08:43 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: For those dealing with serial cheaters...how do you even move forward?

I believe that you would have to be masochist to stay with a person like this. Enough is enough.
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Old 09-20-2011, 08:45 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: For those dealing with serial cheaters...how do you even move forward?

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Sounds like you have also been the classic obligated type. obligated to your family, your wife, kids if any.
Just remember that nows the time to open the window for yourself too, to let a little wind flow thru the room of your own wants and needs without hers taken into consideration. So often we forget ourselves... I sure did.
I'm absolutely doing that. WW said some time ago with concern..."what if you fall in love? what if someone falls in love with you"? I didn't respond because I could see from her body language that she answered her own question along these lines - she had men telling her they were in love with her and things were so out of her hands she could very well have fallen in love with them.

If I fall in love, I suppose i'll feel pretty lucky actually!
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Old 09-20-2011, 08:47 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: For those dealing with serial cheaters...how do you even move forward?

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how is things going with the sweet ladies from the other post ???
Going well Sam. It is quite difficult to take things slow though. . . my internal code wants to speed into a new relationship and I'm trying very hard to put the brakes on. I met a girl in a somewhat serendipitous way. . .and we have a lot of chemistry. I wasn't remotely looking and she just kind of came out of no where. I need to explore where this goes given the circumstances.
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Old 09-20-2011, 09:02 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: For those dealing with serial cheaters...how do you even move forward?

LS,

It is said that on average it takes 2 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to fully recovery from his/her unfaithful spouse.

Question. Is she going to IC to address and resolve her issues that contributed to her serial cheating?
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Old 09-20-2011, 09:05 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: For those dealing with serial cheaters...how do you even move forward?

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Going well Sam. It is quite difficult to take things slow though. . . my internal code wants to speed into a new relationship and I'm trying very hard to put the brakes on. I met a girl in a somewhat serendipitous way. . .and we have a lot of chemistry. I wasn't remotely looking and she just kind of came out of no where. I need to explore where this goes given the circumstances.
good for u man live ur life u deserve it

now if ever u came back together she'll have to deal with some mind movies too

I know most of people here don't like it but as I hate R I came to mind that the only way to R is to have some monkey sex my own so we can deal with equal thoughts and that's won't make me in the same page they cheated on us we just take revenge

i wish u all luck
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Old 09-20-2011, 09:46 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: For those dealing with serial cheaters...how do you even move forward?

Wife is a serial EA'er as well among many other issues, she presently has some psych issues, eating disorder, etc... I'm not ready to give up on our marriage yet, but the thought of being in a relationship without so many issues or just able to worry about myself seems like a relief. I'm a good looking middle aged guy that "everyone just loves"(wife's words) and I'm in top physical condition... leaving and replacing her would be easy.

Each day at a time, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second if I have to... nothing to offer otherwise as I'm just trying to figure out what I really want. Nice to know I'm not the only one....
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Old 09-20-2011, 10:11 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: For those dealing with serial cheaters...how do you even move forward?

I am 3 and a half months divorced from a serial cheater who is also an extreme narcissist. My ex husband had more affairs on me than I probably even know about. It was very hard for me to find the strength to stand up and leave, but the people here were very helpful in helping me find that strength. To cope and to move on, I educate myself for knowledge is power. I have read different books on cheating spouses, on narcissism and anger. In being able to understand why what happened, happened, gives me the continued strength I need to trudge forward.
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Old 09-20-2011, 10:46 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I'm a good looking middle aged guy that "everyone just loves"(wife's words) and I'm in top physical condition... leaving and replacing her would be easy.
It's great to receive those compliments isn't it? What a mess. From my wife's mouth "you are very attractive and so caring"...thanks honey
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Old 09-20-2011, 11:38 AM   #12 (permalink)
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It's great to receive those compliments isn't it? What a mess. From my wife's mouth "you are very attractive and so caring"...thanks honey
Yeah don't get it... it really is a WTF moment
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Old 09-20-2011, 04:06 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: For those dealing with serial cheaters...how do you even move forward?

LS,
Just so you know were I'm coming from, most of my 20 year marriage I didn't want to be married. It was nice to have sex when ever I wanted and my WW looked realy good on my arm during social/ work events. So I really didn't care if I was a good H or not.

Getting back to getting over the 20 men my WW slept with in the last 13 years. I would have to say I really don't know why I finally confronted her. I mean I liked the fact as long as she stayed out of my way I could come and go as I pleased. Back in the day I would purposely give my WW a quickie right before she went out knowing I didnt get sloppy seconds and the fact that some guy would be tasting me. Even when she would come home in the morning I would get pretty rough with her and call her dirty names when I had her bent........well you get the idea. Let me put it this way, My WW wasn't the only one with sick behaviors.

There were some very unhealthy behaviors we both were exhibiting 20 month ago, and that may have played a part in confronting my self and my wife in that we needed to change. It was a ughly "life style" for both of us and something just went on in the back of my head, in Feb. '10 and I was going to make a change and my WW was welcome to come along if she wanted, if not no worries she can go off and do what ever. Lets face it she was already doing that for years and I didn't care.

So I confronted WW and she wanted to come along on this new journey and we commited to each other and we just started caring about each other and any kind of affection and emotional interest I gave to my WW it was returned by her 10 fold. It was kind of nice being and showing love. I wasn't used to it.

So now all the resentment is gone and there is this love with this new person and this new marriage that I actually want to nurish. The behaviors are healthier on both sides and it works. So its seems to move forward one has to have a reason......a good reason. Beit with or with your serial cheating wife there is a "eye on the prize" that one can look at, a goal if you will.

For some it might be getting out of a abusive marriage and that prize could simply be happiness. For me the prize is having some one that loves you enought to stick around after being treated like a wh0re for 20 years. I can move forward b/c what I had in the past is not an option. The man I was, was ughly and moving forward knowing I diserve good things and will not let the past define who I want to be in the future.

I will not let my WW past choice define who I want to be, so if for some reason she reverts back to her old behaviors then bad for her, but *I WILL MOVE FORWRD*. Its all a mind set that I beleive one must have to be successful. To stay away from the people that bring out the worst in you and to have a positive additude in that I diserve good things. Thats how I am moving forward, and my WW just so happens to come along under my terms.

I apoligize for taking the long way around to make the point in that new boundries help me move forward, but I think folks really need to see why I choose to R and can in some way get past my WW serial cheating. In its simplest form if she can for give me then I can forgive her.

On a side note, it was some time ago I was behind her and was really rough, calling this dirty name, and she turned around and said "becarefull what you wish for" . At the time I really didn't think much of it, but know it all comes together.

The point here is in moving forward I must learn from my past. I see this as preventive medicine if you know what I mean?

This post my sound alot of what I'm doing, granted my wife has done the heavy lifting, but the bottom line here is, its all about *me* its not about WW, I can't control WW, she can do what she wants but I can control how I want to live my life and the man I want to be.
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