Not A Good Wife
I am new here. Joined today. If I am posting in the wrong section please let me know. I looked over the different options and this seemed to apply.
I will start this by saying that I cheated on my husband. I really do not understand how or why I could have done such a thing because it is so deeply out of character. I have always been a nice girl, loving and faithful wife, and a good mother. It was not a case of temporary insanity because I had many reality checks along the way but always found a way to keep the affair going. I cannot say I was unhappy because, before the affair, I was happy nearly all the time. I can’t say that it “just happened.” It didn’t. I allowed it to happen.
My husband was so good to me, loved and pampered me to such extremes, I cannot believe I did this to him. We were together over 25 years and he was the most loving and caring person I have ever met and the first person to love me unconditionally. I love him with all my heart and always will but I still cheated on him. I do not know what possessed me!!!!! What was I thinking????? He forgave me for some inappropriate texting but once he learned the affair went physical, he walked away and never looked back. Our divorce was final last month and I am dying. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t stop weeping and the stress and sadness is sometimes overwhelming. I’ve lost a husband who literally worshipped the ground I walked on and I also lost the respect of my children as well as many of my friends.
He left me a year ago and I have believed this entire time he would forgive me and take me back. I thought I knew him better than he knew himself. He never gave me any hope that my affair was forgivable, however, throughout the years he had conditioned me to believe he could not live without me. I truly believed he could not live without me. I thought he would give me another chance. I figured that if I got myself into therapy, proved to him how incredibly sorry I was, did the right things, said the right words, that eventually he would give me a chance to prove how so very sorry I am for what I did. That hasn’t happened. Obviously, he can live without me after-all, however, I do not believe I can live without him.
I think sometimes that I literally cannot live another day. It never leaves my mind and there are times that the pain is so great that I just fall apart. Sometimes, out of nowhere my eyes will well up and I began sobbing. Sometimes uncontrollably and anywhere; in a restaurant, at home, at the grocery store, at work, I will suddenly just fall apart. I had a perfect, wonderful and blessed life that for some reason I felt I had to completely trash. My husband was perfect in every way imaginable. He was faithful true and kind to the fullest extent.
When my husband first voiced his concern with the volumn of text messages between me and ‘just a friend’, I was terrified that he would think less of me. He had always had me on this pedestal and I somehow knew that it would be easier to convince him that he was the problem and not me, so I proceeded to tear him down, convincing him that he was narrow minded, controlling and just plain jealous. I convinced him that he was the one who needed therapy. Not a proud moment.
Some months later he found some inappropriate texts and pictures between me and OM, but, by this time I had become the liar and cheater and everything in between that I loathed in a person. I was also deep in the fog. I loved my husband but truly needed to continue my relationship with OM so we took it underground. We bought burner phones, set up new email accounts and would meet whenever possible. At this point it was not a PA and that’s where I drew the line. I enjoyed being able to drive OM crazy, he complimented me like crazy and he was always starving to see me.
I never intended for the affair to get physical. I had myself convinced that it was just some harmless fun. I was not looking for love or sex, my husband gave me an abundancy of both, however, I had become addicted to the attention and I used sex to make sure I continued to get it. Sick, I know it.
I am not expecting anyone to understand this because, after all this time, I do not understand it myself. It is something I just did. I cannot tell you how I wish I could undo it. I wake up crying when I realize it is not just awful dream. I actually did this. I deserve absolutely no pity or compassion from my husband, my children, friends, family nor anyone reading these words. I did not confess to my infidelity. My husband caught me and I will never forget how horrible it was. With tears in his eyes he shouted and screamed at me. He wanted to know how could I do this to him, to us, to our family…..My God. I don’t know. All the while I stood there shaking, ashamed, humiliated and in shock, knowing there was nothing I could say.
The most awful, heartbreaking and terrifying thing I remember about that day was witnessing his love and care for me turn into pure hatred and distain. I hate me too. I hate every day. I am in therapy and although I have a little more insight into why I did the things I did, it certainly does not excuse my behavior. My now X-husband is a beautiful person, a wonderful man and a great father and yet, I cheated on him anyway. I do not know what I was thinking and I still do not know what is wrong with me. I have always loved him so much. I adore him and know that I do not want to live this life without him. How could I have hurt him the way I did. I do not know how to fix what I’ve broken and I do not even know what is broken within me. One of my therapist said it was my attempt at self-medicating a traumatic childhood. If that be the case, I am here to say that it did not work, it only left me feeling angry, empty and filled with more self-loathing. My upbringing was inconsistent and horrifically verbally and physically abusive particularly from my daddy; so yes, I have serious daddy issues, but I never had issues with my husband.
Why did I write all this? Because I want my husband back and I will wait for him. What else can I do. I have done a lot of reading in this forum and others and it seems that in most cases, eventually the BS will give the marriage or relationship another chance. My now XH said he could make no promises. that the divorce is something he had to do for now and that who knows what the future might hold. He told me to live my life and that one day he might be knocking on my door; or not.
My question to you is very selfish, I know. Most or all here have experienced betrayal. After hearing my story, and considering your experiences with this forum, do you think there is much chance for me to get another chance? Hope was wonderful this last year, but since the divorce, I find it very difficult to hold on to hope.
Please, try not to bash me. I have already lost everything. There is nothing you could say to me that I do not already know. I am asking for something constructive to help me either, move on with my life, or continue in this holding pattern indefinitely. I would so appreciate any and all advice because I truly do not know how to move forward.
Last edited by Wishes; 02-21-2016 at 07:06 PM.
Reason: another thought