It's been a week. Bump for the newbies who are at least willing to listen to the collective wisdom of all those who have been through this. The experience here has been dearly paid for. No, we're not professional counselors with a piece of paper framed on a wall, just people who've learned and read what usually works and what usually doesn't.
I have a question for you about the complete transparency/remorse.
My H (after moving back in after a 3 month separation) left his phone out all the time, left papers printed of back and forth conversations between he and the EA (PA, on the weekend prior to his return, most likely...we live 12 hours from her and they met halfway for the new years eve weekend).
I DID in fact read the emails he left access to on the computer, left text messages I read, letters to each other he left in the suitcase in my closet for me to find. I normally have a very short fuse, but because he was gone for 3 months, I really worked on some things that needed fixing....my threatening divorce if I didn't get my way, my being critical of him constantly....I had issues. I worked on them and they are truly dealt with. But because of this, I learned everything he left out, but I never 'confronted' him. I believe he expected it (he had EA many many many years ago ...last time we had a 2 year old....this time we have a 2 year old again. I think it is a trigger because I end up ignoring him for the pregnancy/baby/toddler ...not sexually ignoring, but positive attention ignoring and this time he had his vasectomy reversed because I wanted another baby.) So I definitely am taking my share of responsibility ...I let him down. I don't think I 'deserve' the affair, but I understand how it did happen and I do want a fresh start.
What I would like to know is....I feel my non-confrontational husband's 'way' to be transparent was to leave everything out for me to see. Then he waited and I never blew up. Never even mentiioned it. I think he lost respect for me at that point and started acting distant and sometimes mean. Prior to Valentine's Day he 'forced the issue' (in my opinion) by suggesting he would need to go to see her for a 'week or two' for her 'recovery' (she had surgery). I said absolutely not. He said 'I can go for a week or two or for good'. To which I replied 'Do you want to be with HER or do you want to be with ME'. I said this maybe 10 times in response to anything he said. He didn't go. That night he was VERY close to me, huggging, kissing...when he had come home earlier for lunch I said 'you know you can't have both of us and I can blow up at you about it, but I would prefer you just do what's right. Do you NEED me to give you the ultimatum?' He said no...and things were good for a bit after that...really was a turning point overall.
BUT...I have this feeling that the reason the contact goes on daily on the phone/text is because I never blew up or never said 'look at all this stuff I know that you left out'. Partly because he kind of insinuated in the beginning that he can't 'feel controlled' and he doesn't need a 'monitor' instead of a spouse. It's like he SAYS he doesn't want me to snoop and confront, but it's also like for us to get better and for him to let go of her I almost feel like he NEEDS me to say I snooped and confront him with every thing he said and did. Does that make ANY sense??
Does anyone else here have a spouse that left stuff out either on purpose or subconsciously ?
Is that for 'discovery' and did it help the recovery to discuss it?
I have a question for you about the complete transparency/remorse.
My H (after moving back in after a 3 month separation) left his phone out all the time, left papers printed of back and forth conversations between he and the EA (PA, on the weekend prior to his return, most likely...we live 12 hours from her and they met halfway for the new years eve weekend).
I DID in fact read the emails he left access to on the computer, left text messages I read, letters to each other he left in the suitcase in my closet for me to find. I normally have a very short fuse, but because he was gone for 3 months, I really worked on some things that needed fixing....my threatening divorce if I didn't get my way, my being critical of him constantly....I had issues. I worked on them and they are truly dealt with. But because of this, I learned everything he left out, but I never 'confronted' him. I believe he expected it (he had EA many many many years ago ...last time we had a 2 year old....this time we have a 2 year old again. I think it is a trigger because I end up ignoring him for the pregnancy/baby/toddler ...not sexually ignoring, but positive attention ignoring and this time he had his vasectomy reversed because I wanted another baby.) So I definitely am taking my share of responsibility ...I let him down. I don't think I 'deserve' the affair, but I understand how it did happen and I do want a fresh start.
What I would like to know is....I feel my non-confrontational husband's 'way' to be transparent was to leave everything out for me to see. Then he waited and I never blew up. Never even mentiioned it. I think he lost respect for me at that point and started acting distant and sometimes mean. Prior to Valentine's Day he 'forced the issue' (in my opinion) by suggesting he would need to go to see her for a 'week or two' for her 'recovery' (she had surgery). I said absolutely not. He said 'I can go for a week or two or for good'. To which I replied 'Do you want to be with HER or do you want to be with ME'. I said this maybe 10 times in response to anything he said. He didn't go. That night he was VERY close to me, huggging, kissing...when he had come home earlier for lunch I said 'you know you can't have both of us and I can blow up at you about it, but I would prefer you just do what's right. Do you NEED me to give you the ultimatum?' He said no...and things were good for a bit after that...really was a turning point overall.
BUT...I have this feeling that the reason the contact goes on daily on the phone/text is because I never blew up or never said 'look at all this stuff I know that you left out'. Partly because he kind of insinuated in the beginning that he can't 'feel controlled' and he doesn't need a 'monitor' instead of a spouse. It's like he SAYS he doesn't want me to snoop and confront, but it's also like for us to get better and for him to let go of her I almost feel like he NEEDS me to say I snooped and confront him with every thing he said and did. Does that make ANY sense??
Does anyone else here have a spouse that left stuff out either on purpose or subconsciously ?
Is that for 'discovery' and did it help the recovery to discuss it?
He's testing you by leaving the stuff for you to find,seeing if you will bring it up or he's just a plain ole ass-hole rubbing your nose in it. This is about what YOU need to heal on YOUR terms not his, you want to bring it up and talk about it, he better damn well be willing to do anything you ask with out question, show true remorse, to me him suggesting that he go see her and stating that he can go for two weeks or for good really shows he has no remorse, you could have said "Ok for good sounds good to me, I'll pack your crap and dont ever come back" and started packing his things, instead of threats show him you mean action by action not words!!! you mentioned he lost repsect for you, well he dosent have any for himself how is he going to have any for you.
No you didnt deserve this, its not pay back, no one does.
Stand up for yourself, no one but you is going to fight for you!!
basically a poster who comes onto a message board with the sole intent to deceive, rouse up the other posters or make inane or stupid comments on purpose
I WISH I would have stumbled across this the day I joined I have been confused on a few posts-and likewise I could have made mine less lengthy!
thanks!
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this 
I have been confused on a few posts-and likewise I could have made mine less lengthy!
