Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #76 of 203 (permalink) Old 04-09-2012, 11:20 AM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

I'm posting this because I think WW need to have access to this. If its been posted before let me know and I can delete it.

Findingmyway was a player, I don't know if he comes on here much now, but he did leave a point of view thread although I can't find it. He posted something similar to me, here it is.:
***********************************************

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.
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post #77 of 203 (permalink) Old 04-12-2012, 12:41 PM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

findingmyway provided unique insight into the mind of an OM. Its simply amazing how many women are easily played when you use the emotional angle. Just like a fisherman, he casts out his line and gets plenty of bites.

Seeing all the evidence, my fWWs OM, who happened to be her ex hs bf, played the same angle. I saw just how rapidly it progressed, in a matter of days, I was the evil douche bag husband, he was in her heart forever, how life is cruel, and that he's the love of her life.

Can it really be that simple? From everything I've seen, yes it is.


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post #78 of 203 (permalink) Old 04-12-2012, 12:47 PM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

That was an amazing post indeed. I remember that some blasted him for his honesty, but how often do you get a glimpse into the machinations of a predator? Unfortunately I don't think that many WS's will read it and realize what is happening. Everyone thinks that they are the exception to the rule.
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post #79 of 203 (permalink) Old 04-12-2012, 07:27 PM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

I'm out of it now of course but I find that post interesting and sick. But I'd rather know than not know.
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post #80 of 203 (permalink) Old 04-28-2012, 12:38 PM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

bump for this weekend.


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post #81 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-01-2012, 11:10 AM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

bump bump bump
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post #82 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2012, 05:39 PM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

Is there a link in here anywhere for the 180? I looked but I can't find it, and I always have trouble finding it.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #83 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2012, 05:42 PM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

This needs a sticky.

Like yesterday.
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post #84 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-03-2012, 07:03 PM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

So true! It sure adds up (now)

My experience was similar but didn't hit all the points. I think the main ones for me were....

Big Warning #1 Your wife goes from being crazy about you and loving all your quirks to being angry (24:7) and having problems with everything you do.

Big Warning #2 Your sex life goes into the tank. And if your a dumb ass like me you figure the problem must be about yourself and spend a lot of emotion and energy on fixing yourself and your "flaws." Women really do need to be emotionally connected and when they are connected emotionally the other man they become un-connected with you.

Big Warning #3 She suddenly starts to avoid any contact with your family. And a good check is to look at her if you somehow do get her to your parents etc. Uncomfortable to say the least.

Medium big warning - She wants to know where you are at all times. When do you work etc? *And never gives you any reasonable reason for asking.

I made the depressing mistake of doing a google search on the topic of women who cheat and found this "gem"
How to Not Get Caught Cheating on Your Significant Other

I don't know if my wife read this but I found it interesting (And depressing) that she followed most of these "Rules" and the ones that she didn't were part of the reason she got caught.

SIGH......
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post #85 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-04-2012, 02:54 PM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

I often read about gas lighting, blame shifting, etc. but I didn't find definitions in here as well as "scripts" & how to effectively deal with those unless I missed it somehow? I found some posters explaining those but not scripts or in-depth examples of those.

In all, thank you for bumping these up and linking. It's very helpful.

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post #86 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 09:19 AM Thread Starter
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Didn't realize some terms are missing, will add when I get the chance

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post #87 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 09:53 PM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

Thanks for this referrel page. It helps to get things in order, so to speak. I will keep in touch. I like that avatar pick with the metal there!
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post #88 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 03:58 AM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

why don't you ask a Mod to make this thread sticky?
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post #89 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 05:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

asked and answered

the owner doesn't want an "official" stance or endorse particular posters views on infidelity

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Last edited by Almostrecovered; 05-07-2012 at 07:26 AM.
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post #90 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-07-2012, 07:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

added gaslighting and blameshifting term definitions

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