Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #91 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-14-2012, 09:26 PM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

Bump for the week. I just joined and keep having to spend time finding it. Very useful for helping me get situated on the site and for understanding what the heck is happening during this entire ordeal.

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post #92 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-15-2012, 10:37 PM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

Sticky plox
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post #93 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-17-2012, 08:19 PM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

I can not thank you all enough...
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post #94 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-23-2012, 01:15 PM
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Telling Others about Your Partner's Affair

Ouch ! regarding exposure advice.
If /When you discover your partner is having an affair. It's a shock. You are in shock.Emotions flood or you numb out. It's worth taking some time and getting support before making any big decisions.
Telling people around you that your partner is having an affair is a big decision . It's worth considering the consequences. I work with a lot of couples after an affair. The Betrayed Spouses who did tell everyone, tend to wish they haddn't.

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post #95 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-23-2012, 01:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

Quote:
Originally Posted by SPRelationshipCounselling View Post
Ouch ! regarding exposure advice.
If /When you discover your partner is having an affair. It's a shock. You are in shock.Emotions flood or you numb out. It's worth taking some time and getting support before making any big decisions.
Telling people around you that your partner is having an affair is a big decision . It's worth considering the consequences. I work with a lot of couples after an affair. The Betrayed Spouses who did tell everyone, tend to wish they haddn't.
exposure advice is for those who are trying to destroy/disrupt an affair as you can't even fruitfully get to that counseling stage in the first place until the affair is over and the spouse comes out of the fog

personally I didn't have to expose (excepting the OMW, which I think always deserves to know), I am one of the lucky few

while I don't think you should jump right to exposure in most cases, I do think in most cases of exposure on this board, it was evident that it needed to come out to bring the affair to light

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post #96 of 203 (permalink) Old 05-25-2012, 04:12 PM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

I just wanted to say that I found this forum more by luck than anything else, and it has quite honestly saved my marriage. I was in utter despair when I found my husband of 39 years , who I honestly thought was my soulmate had been cheating on me for almost a year. I read this forum for newbies and it could honestly been written for us!!! He was most definitely in a 'Fog' that nothing it seems could get him out of. He was prepared to give up EVERYTHING and EVERYONE for HER. It took a devastating turn of events to 'snap' him out of it. He left his mobile phone connected to his handsfree in his car by mistake , and I picked up.... heard them have sex in the most graffic detail whilst in the back of our car!!! Suddenly he could not lie or talk his way out of this one , and finally had to own up to me what he had been doing. The 'fog' lifted and he realised what a complete Bastard he had been to me , and is so full of remorse and disgust at what he has put me through. It is early days , but we have read through this thread together, talked , cried [lots] and are now in counselling. The advise given on here is spot on, and I read and re-read it to help me through difficult times
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post #97 of 203 (permalink) Old 06-04-2012, 06:22 AM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

Below are posts between waywards on a pro affair site. These waywards are actively involved in affairs , one had a D day and simply took it underground before her husband caught her again:

I have taken select extracts to highlight to you the BS spouses why you should pay close attention to, LISTEN to our advice and take harsh tough steps to protect you, your marriage and your family.

Those in affairs have little to no concern for the damage and hurt they are doing to their spouse and family.

They lie, deny, gaslight, cheat and practice every act of deception they can to protect their affair and to undermine their spouses.


Quote:
Almost a year after my first Dday my H caught me again. Apparently he's been recording me at home and who knows where else and got a conversation between me and MM. I had no idea he has been suspicious and obviously wasn't being careful enough but WTF!!! I told my H that it isn't physical but that we have been talking lately. I am going to DENY DENY DENY any sort of physical relationship. No matter what. My H is livid right now but because we are very busy and consumed with work we've decided to put this discussion on hold for a week or two. He has actually physically threatened my MM but I think he is just mad and I don't think there's any real truth in them. At this point out marriage is completely up in the air and I don't know where we will go from here.


My first dday was my fault. One of our meetings at a hotel room my MM was running late so I paid. On my credit card. STUPID. well long story short.. my H saw it on my bank statement. All hell broke loose of course. I have been sooooooo careful since. But never woulda thought he would record me. Still in shock

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My BF is technologically savvy and clearly could set up any and all of these devices.

But you know what? If he did, I'd leave him in a second. I know that sounds crazy, but that is such an invasion of my privacy. It's one thing to read my emails or text that is sitting right there, but voice and video recording? That's so crazy and gross, I'd be gone.

If you are that f*****g suspicious, how about talking to your partner first. If communication is that crappy, that's probably why your partner is stepping out in the first place.



Quote:
I totally agree with you XXXX.... I was horrified when my H told me he recorded me. I told him he absolutely invaded my privacy..IN MY OWN HOME. I feel completely uncomfortable now at home. It makes me so mad. Sometimes I even think about leaving him just because of it. But again.. my daughter


Quote:
If you are that f****g suspicious, how about talking to your partner first.

As if the cheating partner would tell the truth .

They are shocked that they can be spied on , seem to think that their right to privacy to continue the affair outweighs their abuse of the love and trust of their spouses and the love of their family. To top it all its all their BS fault.

They conveniently forget 50% of the marriage problems are theirs
100% of the affair and the degradation of the marriage relationship due to the affair is theirs.


Important Tools for BS:

VARs, keyloggers , apps to monitor smart phones , a clear head and your fear of losing your marriage , use this fear to take the steps to shine a spot light on the affair

Last edited by Eli-Zor; 06-05-2012 at 03:29 AM.
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post #98 of 203 (permalink) Old 06-07-2012, 10:58 AM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

silly question...what does IC stand for? i know MC is marriage counseling right? i'm racking my brain trying to figure IC out - it's the I part i'm getting hung up on.
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post #99 of 203 (permalink) Old 06-07-2012, 11:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

individual counseling

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post #100 of 203 (permalink) Old 06-07-2012, 11:36 AM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

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individual counseling
:....totally makes sense.

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post #101 of 203 (permalink) Old 06-07-2012, 11:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

imagine my disappointment when I figured it out and realized that people weren't telling me to go get some ice cream

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post #102 of 203 (permalink) Old 06-11-2012, 02:34 AM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eli-Zor View Post
Below are posts between waywards on a pro affair site. These waywards are actively involved in affairs , one had a D day and simply took it underground before her husband caught her again:

I have taken select extracts to highlight to you the BS spouses why you should pay close attention to, LISTEN to our advice and take harsh tough steps to protect you, your marriage and your family.

Those in affairs have little to no concern for the damage and hurt they are doing to their spouse and family.

They lie, deny, gaslight, cheat and practice every act of deception they can to protect their affair and to undermine their spouses.

















They are shocked that they can be spied on , seem to think that their right to privacy to continue the affair outweighs their abuse of the love and trust of their spouses and the love of their family. To top it all its all their BS fault.

They conveniently forget 50% of the marriage problems are theirs
100% of the affair and the degradation of the marriage relationship due to the affair is theirs.


Important Tools for BS:

VARs, keyloggers , apps to monitor smart phones , a clear head and your fear of losing your marriage , use this fear to take the steps to shine a spot light on the affair
The snippit from the women who said she was going to be more careful with her affair triggered a conversation I had with my tdoc. Her point was that now I (we all) are stuck with this mistrust. We know they have cheated and now that they know (We know) they can take things underground *Buy a tracphone for example to avoid smartphone apps or at least not have a bill you can monitor. They can make it a rule to talk when they are outside the house / car or (ugh) at a hotel. You can hire someone to follow them I suppose but at some point it comes down to asking yourself if you want to stay in a relationship where you don't have trust. Can you ever trust again and if so how? The how part is very difficult. I'm still wondering how anyone does it. Is it time heals all wounds? Is it some conversation or therapy that does the trick?

The point that was made to me was simply this. You can follow her. You can bug her phone. You can do whatever but she (or he) can continue to do this. You can't control her but you can decide to leave or decide to work on it. I do agree about the spotlight on the affair. In my case its having a lot of couples therapy devoted to that topic. Maybe my wife can go to couples and lie to my (our) faces? I think when we get to that point I'm out of here.

I started looking at all the people I know who were the "other women" or other man in second marriages. I added several couples that I know had affairs and broke up. Its a hell of a lot of people. I think the people selling divorce or depression meds and therapy are going to be making a lot of money.

I think we live in a very screwed up society.
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post #103 of 203 (permalink) Old 06-27-2012, 12:02 PM
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post #104 of 203 (permalink) Old 06-29-2012, 06:16 PM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

what the heck is bump about?
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post #105 of 203 (permalink) Old 06-29-2012, 06:35 PM
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Re: Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

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what the heck is bump about?
You bump the thread up higher on the list ,so it is noticed.Lots of important info and insight on this thread.

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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