I'll just repost what I posted on another thread with a few additions:
Have a VAR on you at all times, if you can, at least have a witness with you when you go home. Even better would be to have a VAR on you and have a witness.
If she threatens you that she will call the cops on you, tell her calmly that you will have her charged with false reporting if she tries to lie to them about threatening her or hitting her. Hand her the phone and/or let her call if she wants to.
If she still ends up calling the cops....keep your cool! Do not raise your voice. Do not throw things around or mess up the house. You won't see them drive up because they will park the cruiser a couple of houses down the street. They WILL listen first before knocking. This is standard procedure. So it would NOT be a good idea to be yelling before they knock on the door.
When they knock on the door or ring the doorbell, YOU be the one to answer the door. In a calm voice greet the officer and ask what the problem is. I guarantee you that the cops are on alert and will be looking for a possible fight from you because domestic violence calls are one of the most dangerous calls, and many cops have been killed going into these situations. With you answering the door with a smile and a calm voice, it WILL immediately lower the tension and they will be more likely to listen to you.
This is usually a 2 officer call, and one of them will be interviewing you and the other will be interviewing your wife, but you will be in the same room so they can watch each others backs. When you answer the door, DO NOT have anything in your hands, even the VAR. They will be watching your hands. Keep them in the open where they can see them. Do not put your hands in your pocket. If one officer is sent, do not be surprised or argue if they temporarily place you in handcuffs, this is for officer safety, because they donít know if youíre violent or not. Once you show you are calm, non violent, and most importantly, not a threat, then they will likely remove the handcuffs.
If she lies to the other officer and attempts to provoke you in front of them. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT respond. Remain calm!!! The very worst thing you can do is get into a shouting match with her while they are present. Tell the officer calmly that you have a VAR and you can play it for him and ask him/her if you can get it out of your pocket or where ever you have it. Then play it to them to expose her lies.
If you start arguing with the cops or with your WW and raising your voice, moving around, getting defensive, you are raising the tension and looking like the primary aggressor and a threat. Then they will put you in cuffs. And of course during this time the WW will be crying and putting on a show.
For the newly betrayed coming to the forum. Contains the common acronyms used, terms, definitions, what to do, etc.
you seem to be the keeper of acronyms... would like to add one with definition
HF - Honest Friends/Family members: these are ones that will tell you what you need to know not what you want to hear.
Years back... I was a WS, no excuses and now I realize how vigilant I need to be about my own feelings. It was HF (married couple themselves) who got a hold of my very quickly and even before the TAM posted NC letter they had me do that very thing. To this day they contact me once a week to lovingly hold me accountable. Now I don't have any psychological issues but needless to say I appreciate their concern and so does my wife. Married - will be 18 years this coming Christmas Eve, yes we (my wife and I) are Mr. and Mrs Clause
BTW, I this is not denial: there was no actual EA or PA, it was near disaster and my wife (the most wonderful woman in the world) and we (including myself think of it as it is - infidelity). I could have used all kinds of excuses for my actions, my friends would have nothing to do with it... bravo for Honest Friends (HF). She had turned cold toward me... long story short, it turned out she actually had a treatable medical condition. She was hurt by unfaithful actions (rightfully so), and to this day I make her the queen of our household. She, my wife, is a gem that I was fortunate to have among all the lousy hay out there.
__________________ Makau, the fish hook - stands for everything that is good and promises prosperity (not just in material things), strength (character) and renewal (not remaining stagnant). My creed for building a strong marriage.