Mike188

I've contacted two OM's (three kind of). One was about 18 months ago and was definitely an EA, not sure if it was a PA. It was an e-mail and was civil but stern. It appears that they both took it to heart because from what I can tell from the outside that ended it. I think he was scared of losing his job and family (same company). Of course she just found other guys for her need for attention.

I met with her boss about another guy who sent her a text wanting to bite on her neck. The boss had zero integrity and was later fired for all kinds of company policy violations.

I called another guy who used to talk to my wife about two hours a day. The first thing he said was "I promise nothing happened between your wife and me. We just talked. I would never do anything to jepordize my job. I can't get fired because I have five kids". He then started running off at the mouth and giving me the dirt on a few other people in the company who my wife was friends with.

I contacted another OM a few weeks ago about a very inappropriate text conversation that appeared to suggest that they had done something physical at a meeting in another state. I threatened him if he ever came to see my wife in person. He swore that he would never do that, acted kind of scared. I asked him what would happen to his career if I gave the texts to the compliance department (they work for the same company). I asked him if his wife would approve of him talking like this to another woman. He said that she wouldn't like it. He then had another female employee contact my wife and threaten me with a defamation lawsuit if I sent the texts to his wife or the company. What a punk.

My wife is scared to death that I am going to do something "stupid" like forward everything I have to the head office, which will get a lot of people fired and get a lot of spouses in big trouble at home. We'll see how it goes in the divorce. If she is agreeable and accepts what I say then I will probably just let it slide and move on with my life. If she gets greedy and it gets ugly I am going to drop the bomb. My motivation right now is financial rather than revenge.

I have a history of doing stuff like this to people who screw me over. I know exactly how to use the dirt to make their lives a living hell. Before anyone say there isn't any joy in it, there is for me. It has always felt damn good. She is so stressed out right now. For the last 18 months she had the upper hand over me because she had a vagina that guys want and it killed scared me to see her acting that way. Now she knows she is way out of her league dealing with me in this divorce. Sh told me today that she is making mistakes because she has never done this before (divorce). I told her that I do it all the time. She looked at me kind of puzzled and asked if I meant divorce. I said no not divorce - negotiating, attorneys, contracts, meditations, fighting. She just started to cry. Karma is a *****.

Entropy3000

Never email an OM. If you are looking for help from the man who is poching your wife you are only giving encouragement. It would be grovelling to them. Please don't take my wife from me.
If you must email the OM then make it a firm statement that you will be fighting for the relationship and will be doing everything in your power to make sure he is out of the picture. Never a threat that could be used in court. Do not ask for his help. Do not grovel. If you can't be in a position of power then do not bother.

Now calling an OM and being Alpha with him and letting him know calmly and coldly that you are going to fight for the relationship and that means you are going to take him off the board unless he disappears is another matter.

But the bottom line is that your wife has to cut him out of her life. You should expose the affair to others. They know more than you do what they are doing.

chapparal

LIFE HAS CONSEQUENCES out him to everyone including his garbage man.

unbelievable

My wife would come home to find her bags packed and a copy of the email on top of the bags. Your business isn't with the OM but with your wife. Without her consent, the OM can't interfere with your marriage. If it wasn't this OM, it'd be some other. How many OM confrontations do you wish to pursue over the course of your marriage? If she isn't faithful you don't want her. If someone has to put a private investigator on her, GPS tracking device, conduct surveillance, confront suitors, let it be her next dupe of a husband. If she doesn't know which side of her toast is buttered, show her the door.

DSSM9500

At this point I wonder what I'm fighting for? A wife who has shown that when she gets unhappy she will go to another man for an EA? A wife who says she has effed up and is sorry, but won't give up contact? A wife who continues to contact OM even after acknowledging it hurts me that she still talks to OM? A wife who is gaslighting and blame-shifting to justify her actions? A wife who is selfish and thinking only of her self right now?

I understand she is in the typical EA fog and using the usual EA script, but it is still tough. You have all given great advice, but can be tough to engage the advice in the "heat of battle". For example how can I do a 180 and then think of emailing OM which would be confrontational? Or doing the 180 and then exposing? While it may feel good to use the "stick" right now, will that make her less likely to come back? Will it push her further into her angry place and into the "arms" of OM? And then I still wonder how serious the EA even is now (if I am to believe DS). DS says that ultimately she wants to leave the marriage for herself and the EA doesn't matter anymore and has no illusions of running off and marrying OM. Is that just "fog speak"? Maybe she has gaslighted and blame-shifted so much that I don't know what to think anymore.

I'm hoping the separation help me clear my mind - I am confident it will. I love my wife and am in love with my wife, but do not like and am not in love with the person she is now: cheater, liar, blame-shifter.....

alphaomega

It's ypur alpha male coming out. Its called co(blocking. I don't think it would serve any purpose here though

Unless you want to tell him that your going to tell his wife, supply a shoulder to lean on for her, and then get all monkey a$$ crazy with her in th sack. Just to return the favor, of course.

Of course, sometimes my vengeful gene expression is sometimes a little powerful.
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Grayson

I did send an email to my wife's EA partner, but it was after he ignored her NC email. He emailed her as if she hadn't even sent the NC, she let me know, and I emailed him saying, "I know you got her NC email. What part of it don't you understand?" and a few other civil but stern comments. He replied back angrily, and saying that if I found him to be a threat, he didn't know what to say. I replied one last time, saying simply, "You only need to know how to say one thing: Goodbye. Forever."
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Jellybeans

I"m yes and no with whether you should write to him or not--it all depends on what you say.

Are you guys reconciling ( you and wife) or are you done? What you say to him (if you write him) will be different depending on those two things. So which is it?

Jellybeans

If this is the case, then I would not be dealing with her at all if I were you. I would say "I have given you multiple outs and you continue to have contact with the man you cheated on me with, thus continuing your affair. I refuse to live in an open marriage. I will not live this way. I will be taking all appropriate measures to protect myself up to and including filing for divorce because I will not live as second best for another day. No way."

DSSM9500

DS is not open to R - she will not cut off contact with OM which is a deal breaker for me. At this point I see no choice but to "move on".

On another note I had a weaker moment today and logged into our DSL router to watch the live weblog. As soon as I saw the google talk gadget go live (which is how she talks to OM) I reaffirmed via IM that it still hurts that she talks to OM. The other morning she apologized for still talking to OM while we lived together - she realized how it hurt. So I asked her to clarify if "she was sorry and will stop talking to OM until she moves out" or "she was sorry but will still talk with OM". Her response was "i only really have 4 days left here, so yes....i can leave it alone if it's going to make things easier for us to get along and figure out what we're doing."

DSSM9500

....and I understand that "not spying" is part of the 180. I suppose that reaffirming that DS still talks with OM strengthens my resolve. i know that I need to stop.

lovesherman

Good for you for realizing this. It is hard, but you will heal much faster if you disengage from all the drama.

Jellybeans

Ok. In this case, if you want to email him you can say something like this:

"OM's Name,

My name is DSSM. I am X's husband. I am aware you have had sex and have having an ongoing affair with my wife. I know this because X openly admitted it to me.

I am writing to advise you to get tested for STDs. As you
know, X has not exactly been faithful and it would do you a world of good to get the full range of tests done and then go back to re-test in six months. I am telling you this as a caution to your health.

I am sorry we had to learn about eachother under these circumstances.

If you have any quetsions, you can contact me.

DSSM"

If he responds, let a few days go by without writing back.

This does a couple different things:

1. It lets him know you are fully aware he helped betray your marriage & the affair ain't a secret anymore! Exposure is scary!

2. It puts your wife's and his relationship into question. Notice, you didn't lie in the letter above, you simply stated "Wife hasn't exactly been faithful" so he is wondering if she has fcked around on him too. The more vague you are, the better

3. He is now freaking out because you just told him to get tested for STDs without really saying why ... he is now wondering if you have something, which means she might have something, which means he might have something. And, to add more gravity, you seal it with a kiss when you say "get re-tested in 6 months."

4. Your approach was in a calm/caring manner, not accusatory or psycho. THIS WILL MESS WITH HIS HEAD. Trust me. He'll think, Wow, that guy could bit my a$$ yet he was nice and genuinely concerned which means, holy sh*t... she is prob cheating on me too with someone else AND now I may have a gross STD. Your sounding polite and genuinely concerned is going to throw him for a loop. Big. Time.

Win-win, all around

DSSM9500

DS and I got into a good and constructive discussion today. First about the kids and then it slipped into our relationship. Hey - I stayed calm the whole time! Anyways, I told her that if I had to make a choice today I would prefer a D. I reaffirmed that she has never been interested in R, won't/can't stop contact with OM, and that I'm not in love with the person she has become. I also said I was not willing to compete for her love and emotions. She tried to counter that 3 mental health professionals told her that the EA did not end our marriage and that I continue to invalidate her feelings about the rest of our marriage before the EA. Finally I handed her a sealed envelope with my wedding ring, a nice watch she bought me on our 1st anniversary, and a very personal and sentimental photo DVD she made for me just 3 years ago. I told her I won't be needing them anymore. Unless she comes to me begging I suppose there is little turning back now.

Hijo

I would have pawned the ring and watch, given her a copy of the pawn receipt, and enclosed a DVD of me burning the other DVD. But that's just me.