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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-22-2011, 01:09 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?

expose the affair to OMW
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Old 09-22-2011, 01:14 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?

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expose the affair to OMW
I would but have tried to track down some info with no luck.
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Old 09-22-2011, 01:46 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?

what do you have so far?
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Old 09-22-2011, 02:21 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?

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what do you have so far?
Not much - don't even know hew name.
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Old 09-22-2011, 02:22 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?

you know OM's name I take it?
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Old 09-22-2011, 02:24 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?

What a day. So we had an emotional morning, but now DS has been nice. She went and ran some errands with the kids and then texted me to see if I wanted something to eat (they were getting some fast food). So she gets home and we talked about who was taking certain furniture - everything was nice and calm. And then she asks me if we could sit and watch a movie together tonight?! Is this typical foggy behavior for a DS?
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Old 09-22-2011, 02:37 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Default Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?

Yes, very typical for a wayward.

Pay attention to what she DOES, not what she SAYS.

And what she is doing is continuing her affair.

IF you have a way to contact the OW, do it and expose the affair. Do so without warning to your wife or the OM. I have a little letter for that scenario, too.
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Old 09-22-2011, 03:03 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Default Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?

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Yes, very typical for a wayward.

Pay attention to what she DOES, not what she SAYS.

And what she is doing is continuing her affair.

IF you have a way to contact the OW, do it and expose the affair. Do so without warning to your wife or the OM. I have a little letter for that scenario, too.
Interesting. So is she playing nice now to protect the EA? I mean this morning we talked D and separation at this point is a given - she gets her new place in a few weeks. It seems to be a routine where really make my feelings know on the EA and then within a few hours she is back to playing nice. Maybe this for will start clearing more when she moves out.
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Old 09-22-2011, 03:08 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?

Here's the exposure letter I wrote copy/pasted from another thread (link at the bottom):

Here's the thing about exposure: NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!!

Why?

Because that will give the disloyal spouse and the OW/OM time to get their stories straight/corroborate timelines and make YOU out to be the crazy/psycho husband who has trust issues and is going through a hard time in his marriage,therefore he suspects his wife is cheating on him and wants to lash out at everyone. They WILL do this if you keep giving them warnings. Oh & you can bet they've discussed how to answer if they start getting questions: "My husband knows...if someone asks we can just say we're friends" and have already started planning and concocting their stupid excuses and lame cover up stories.

Find out who the OM's wife is and exposes immediately:

"OM's wife,

Your husband, OM's Name, has been having an affair with my Wife's Name since on or about Month/Year. I discovered the affair by way of (fill in the blank). (copy/paste or verbalize any proof you have).Their affair has been detrimental to my marriage. My wife told me the affair ended however I have proof contradicts that--they are still having an affair and in contact. I am telling you this because you deserve to know the truth. If you were already aware of the affair, then I am sure that this comes as no surprise to you, but if not, I am sorry to have to be the one to inform you. If you want to talk further or need further proof, you may contact me at (....fill in the blank).

DSSM"


To expose or not to expose...that is the question.

Last edited by Jellybeans; 09-22-2011 at 03:16 PM.
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Old 09-22-2011, 03:15 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Default Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?

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Interesting. So is she playing nice now to protect the EA? I mean this morning we talked D and separation at this point is a given - she gets her new place in a few weeks. It seems to be a routine where really make my feelings know on the EA and then within a few hours she is back to playing nice. Maybe this for will start clearing more when she moves out.
It's much mor ecomplicated than that. The wayward knows instinctively how very wrong they are for having an affair. Affairs are fvcked up, no matter how you slice it. They are the ultimate betrayal. So, the waywareds mind is in 15 difference places trying to fit all these pieces of their life that got flipped upside down by their own choice! They are pretending to be the good spouse, the good lover, mom/dad/ parent, having a job, all while the world they know is collapsing all around them. It's pretty crazy, actually. Then there is the angle of a divorce/spearation. She doesn't want to be mean to you cause she knows you may be able to go after her for adultery and/or property in the divorce. She wants to protect herself. She also don't want you to lose your sh!t and lash out a her and cause a scene in front of people/family. She wants to play nice. Also, she cares about you somewhere. Yeah I said it, the wayward does not want you to be screwed up by this (how wrong they are) so they figure if they are NICE to you, it makes what they did less painful. Treat the spouse sweetly so they will not see I am an monster/wrecking my family....treat the betrayed nicely beause in their mind, it justifies that what they are doing is NOT wrong...or rather, it rationalizes it away/ Get it???

It's pure insanity.
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Old 09-22-2011, 03:39 PM   #41 (permalink)
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It's much mor ecomplicated than that. The wayward knows instinctively how very wrong they are for having an affair. Affairs are fvcked up, no matter how you slice it. They are the ultimate betrayal. So, the waywareds mind is in 15 difference places trying to fit all these pieces of their life that got flipped upside down by their own choice! They are pretending to be the good spouse, the good lover, mom/dad/ parent, having a job, all while the world they know is collapsing all around them. It's pretty crazy, actually. Then there is the angle of a divorce/spearation. She doesn't want to be mean to you cause she knows you may be able to go after her for adultery and/or property in the divorce. She wants to protect herself. She also don't want you to lose your sh!t and lash out a her and cause a scene in front of people/family. She wants to play nice. Also, she cares about you somewhere. Yeah I said it, the wayward does not want you to be screwed up by this (how wrong they are) so they figure if they are NICE to you, it makes what they did less painful. Treat the spouse sweetly so they will not see I am an monster/wrecking my family....treat the betrayed nicely beause in their mind, it justifies that what they are doing is NOT wrong...or rather, it rationalizes it away/ Get it???

It's pure insanity.
You are so very right. I have been on a roller coaster and so has DS. She can end up acting so nice at the weirdest times - usually when I talk about the EA and am right. Then she goes into a bit of remorse and tries to compensate by being nice and wanting to be my friend. When she stays mad for a while it is usually because I have lashed out and said something dumb. I never recognized that the mind of a DS is so complex. Can't wait to see how she acts when she moves out.
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Old 09-22-2011, 04:02 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Default Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?

Are you going to expose this affair?
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Old 09-22-2011, 04:10 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Default Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?

I did email the ow and it really got me nowhere. I was very polite to her. I refrained from name-calling, and everyone knows how much I love to use fun words, I told her that I was hurt by both their actions and what kind of toll their affair took on me. The skankasaurus wrote me back saying she was sorry for my hurt but she really wasnt. She didnt care. I asked her to stop, to leave us alone, but she refused. I didnt realize this then, but when we email the OP, we look weak and pathetic to them. A few months later, she actually had the nerve to ask my his ring size because she wanted to propse to him. Ack! Funny thing is, now my ex is living with a completely different woman and this ow he was cheating on me with before is still chasing after him.
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Old 09-22-2011, 04:18 PM   #44 (permalink)
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Default Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?

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Are you going to expose this affair?
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My parents, her parents, and her sisters are aware as well as some close friends. Of course I cannot assume how much info DS has exposed and if they understand how destructive it has been. In the course of conversation I will definitely not be afraid to tell my side of the story.
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Old 09-22-2011, 04:19 PM   #45 (permalink)
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you know OM's name I take it?
Yes- name, email, and city. I may sign up for Spokeo once we get our finances separated.
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