Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?
Information is power. It's best to hide your explosives and only detonate them if you can follow them up with other immediate and overwhelming power and if doing so is very likely to achieve your objective. Using force cause it makes you feel better is a bad move. You can only blow that claymore mine once. Their secret revealed, they may just both leave their marriages and hook up. Have you positioned yourself for that?
Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?
Quote:
Originally Posted by unbelievable
Information is power. It's best to hide your explosives and only detonate them if you can follow them up with other immediate and overwhelming power and if doing so is very likely to achieve your objective. Using force cause it makes you feel better is a bad move. You can only blow that claymore mine once. Their secret revealed, they may just both leave their marriages and hook up. Have you positioned yourself for that?
You never know. OM is already getting a D and me and DS look to be headed that way. OM would have to move here from across the country. You just never know.
Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?
So to keep everything on the same thread....how does the 180 work if I used to be more emotionally quiet and detached? A gripe from DS (where she was correct) was that I was always quiet and distant and was not a big talker. So if I stayed that way is it really a 180?
Let me know if a thread someplace else would generate better responses.
Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?
D-, my $0.02, you are at the best place possible!
As far as the 180 look at marriagebuilders.com or search it here.
Some of it applies some won't , there is a ton ...a very long list, I'm sure you will be able to pick at it and find what will work for your sitch..
Just remember the 180 degree is about you, not a tool to get your chick back. So with that said, everything on the list could apply and it should.
Basicly, after reading it you may find you are already doing some of the behavior that are metioned..again for your self. Not a tool to win her back but help you get through.
For me, after confronting, My WW ONS/cheating stopped, I didn't have to fight through the fog or an EA w/ serious connections, so I'm not a pro when it comes to implimenting the 180 degree. But thats another story!!
Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?
Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy
Thanks for the update, she's not worth the effort, go dark, hard 180 and give her a taste of what it will be like when you are do longer around.
It will be a big joke for the both of them, and its a good choice to not reply, but if you want to give me his email, I'll f~ck with him LOL
Go dark and move on, but still expose, it will help bring the reality of there evil down on them.
Guy....if you are looking for someone to f~ck with, have I got the person for you. My H went to Iraq and started an affair, even went as far as emailing her mother! WTF???!!!! He cursed me and the children out (been married 15 years and this is how he thanks me, 13 years as a military spouse).....put a pic of this b~tches dog on his desk at work (there in Iraq). I have copies of the emails between him and her mom, sick stuff. He talks as if he is a single guy- she was sending him care packages....meanwhile he was not even calling to talk to his kids. Sick stuff. He asked for R, only after she left Iraq...awww, isn't that nice. Anyway, I received an email from someone deployed with them telling me about their "inappropriate relationship" and that they were disgusted by his behavior. She is newly divorced so what does she have to lose. Let me know I will gladly turn over her and her mom's email addresses. Some R we have had...he still has this b~tch on skype and refuses to take her off! Says that I cannot tell him who he can be friends with. Hope both of their careers are worth it. I am ready to turn them both in!
Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?
Not sure if any of you are aware of Google+ , but its a new social network like FB and just opened to the public. I decided to activate an account to check it out. I recall a few months ago that DS was invited to try G+ but she never really understood it. So I activated an account added another male friend who I knew was on it and then searched for and added DS. And guess what? OM was one of her G+ friends! At this point I just chuckled a little and recognized that G+ and google chat was an avenue to move the EA/"friendship, or whatever DS considers it to be this week.
So my post has two point. Be aware that G+ is out there and another avenue to carry out any sort of A. Another is that It's quite telling of DS to say she cut contact (at one point she said she did), deleted OM as a FB while keeping contact via google. At this point I doubt that DS really considers her EA underground. She sees it as a friendship she will keep, but her secretive (at least non-transparent) shows that she is still doing something she is guilty of.
Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?
So today I was 99% sure that DS was chatting with OM on Google. So I played a few mind games and started chatting with DS on google too. I played dumb that I was checking it out to see how it worked. She said that she couldn't get it figured out and seemed weird, so we should stick with MSN IM to talk with each other. And remember, she is talking with OM at the same time on the same chat service! I work at home, so I walked into the living room from my office and surprised her. She had quickly minimized chat windows and so I parked myself next to her to discuss some income issues - she was having problems qualifying for her new apartment. I could see one of the minimized browser tabs flashing with an incoming message. So we finished talking business and so I told her calmly: "I'm 99% sure your still talking with OM everyday via chat....I just had a hunch and put 2 and 2 together. So go ahead and just talk with him and don't feel like you need to cover up and lie." She was caught WAY off guard and gave me a really irritated look and I left. I sent her an IM saying that based on her response I was correct - she still talked with OM. About 10 minutes later I went back to talk with her (I was pretty cheery) and she started to break down in tears. She said she is so stressed and has no one to talk too. OM is the only person she could talk to since she felt like she could not vent to me about the stress of separating. She said she has stopped talking with OM 98% but the stress was just too much and she needed someone "in her corner". I listened, was very understanding and stayed calm. For me this was a 180 - I threw her off. And I really did not have to act.
Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?
I need some advice. Today was a fairly good day...confronted DS about keeping contact with OM. Said why not just talk with him and give up the lying and deception. I know she will maintain contact regardless of what she says....see prior post for further details. I essentially gave her a little rope and she took it. I monitored the web activity and she kept in contact on google chat for most of the day.....Ugh. But as part of my 180 I did let her know I was here if she needed to talk and I stayed calm all day and was in good spirits. This afternoon she did take advantage of my offer and and came to my office and vented for about 20 minutes about her sister.
While its crushing to see that she still runs to OM when she is feeling down, she is not feeling down about me. Her fantasy is hitting a rough patch. Her apartment has not been approved, her job is pending the results of a drug test, and her plans for a car are not working out (we're a one car family and I'm keeping the lease!). She is stressed about the drug test because she is on quite a few Rx meds. She also thinks that nobody except for OM is in "her corner". While she can run to OM, her life is starting to spiral.
My strategy right now is that I'm in full-on carrot/180 mode. When she talks I listen intently and with care, I have been very calm and non-defensive, and I'm showing that I'm in control - I feel like I'm in control. When we separate in a few weeks I plan on going dark while maintaining my 180 (for me). Well...sort of dark since we're going to share custody of two kids. I'm going to disengage as much as possible.
Does this all sound like a good plan? I am having some mixed emotions - I want to move on but still have strong feelings for her thought I DO NOT love who she is now. My conditions for R will remain NC with OM for any sort of R to be possible. I'm not going to be put in a situation where we hit a rough patch and she feels its ok to run back to OM for comfort.
Anyways, thanks for any additional feedback. At least for now I'm holding off on any contact with OM.
Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?
Your conditions for reconciliation are good: no contact with OM. The problem is she is still in contact with him. So what are the consequences of her not respecting your boundaries? Cause it seems you have none. You can expect her to keep disrespecting you...because you don't respect yourself. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans
Your conditions for reconciliation are good: no contact with OM. The problem is she is still in contact with him. So what are the consequences of her not respecting your boundaries? Cause it seems you have none. You can expect her to keep disrespecting you...because you don't respect yourself. Posted via Mobile Device
You are correct, but I guess I still consider myself to be in the carrot stage. Whenever I have distanced myself it would push her further away. I want to show her that I am and can be the person she wants. But once she moves out, I'm going dark as possible. I she wants to move out, she will fully realize life without me.
Are there any other alternatives in the near term?
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Re: I found the email address for the OM...should I email? 
