I don't know what would be the right title - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #136 of 1812 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 10:57 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

H,

You are doing very well.

So you are not fighting hard enough for the M, huh?

One, that is rich coming from a woman screwing a POSOM behind her BH's back.....she's wh*ring around, but YOU are the one not fighting.

But the second thing that I read in this is that she really did expect you to fight the OM to keep her, and is stung that you seem to have quickly rejected her and moved to D.

I suspected as much based on your earlier posts about how she didn't seem to like your 180.

She will cling even more to POSOM now, since she feels she has lost any chance with you for good.

If you expose POSOM to his BW/partner, the most likely result will be that he will dump her fast to try and save his own a** and M.

At that point, facing losing everything and being alone, expect her to make a tear filled attempt to get you to take her back.

What you want to do with that is entirely up to you, R or continue the D....but if you do decide to try R with her, make sure it is entirely on your terms.

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post #137 of 1812 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 01:47 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Wow, you don't know how well you are doing. Just get it in writing. I have read only one or two posts here where the wife was in such a hurry to get with the posm she left kids and most assets behind. In both cases their dream relationship crashed and burned. The husbands went though a lot of pain but because the break was so quick and complete they healed emotionally, had the home, had the kids full time and built a great life. N

Truth: no matter what you did it would have been wrong. Do the 180, I guess he does not really care - I'm gone. Beg, swore to do anything, and plead, if he had only done this sooner but I'm done.

If this works for you use it. If she says your actions show you don't care or someone else says it seems to her you didn't care respond: I am more then willing to fight for the marriage but I will never fight another man for her. He didn't get her drunk, he didn't take advantage of her she is not a child but an adult. Perhaps it is time she accepts the responsibility of adulthood.

Oh by the way in both cases the ex's complained why didn't you fight for me.
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post #138 of 1812 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 01:58 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

@Wolf1974 is one of the posters whose wife ran off and left everthimg behind. Here is one of HS threads How I was able to move on.......long. Note there are few similarities between his ex and your wife except for adultery and out the door. Yet he took what he got and is making a whole life for himself. See where he is today The last part of the formal life
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post #139 of 1812 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 06:06 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
So what I'm saying that it looks, feels and sounds like an exit affair to me.
Dont try to argue with her and waste your breath...
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post #140 of 1812 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 06:12 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

It's impossible to know if it's an exit affair. It doesn't really matter, in the stage you're at your actions need to be the same as any other affair.

Expose and seek legal advice. Expose. Lawyer. Then expose. Then lawyer.

The formula is simple. Just worry about those two things at this point.

----
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post #141 of 1812 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 07:56 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Handel,

I don't want to go into it now, but I do think you need to explore the reasons she gave you for being unhappy and several other points but at a later date. I do have some questions based on your responses but now is not the time to bring them up. It is Friday night in your country as I post this. You need to focus on the process of separation and exposure now and setting up a structure going forward. Once she is exposed, living at her parents, assets divided, and a new routine established with your son the her fog will begin to lift. In many ways if these matters are not settled they will act as an enabling factor for the fog to continue.
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post #142 of 1812 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 08:19 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
@Wolf1974 is one of the posters whose wife ran off and left everthimg behind. Here is one of HS threads How I was able to move on.......long. Note there are few similarities between his ex and your wife except for adultery and out the door. Yet he took what he got and is making a whole life for himself. See where he is today The last part of the formal life
This is true. It is so hard to know what someone else's motivation is, why they do what they do. I missed.....not true, I ignored red flags about my X the size of Texas and paid a price for it. But even though she had previously cheated in other relationships I know our marriage was good and she herself even said that. In the end we don't always know why people do what they do or why they do it. Ultimately it doesn't matter, someone wrongs you then you have to move on, doesn't matter the reason. Sorry you are here OP but you will get through this and may one day look back at this as a great day you were freed. The first day of the rest of your life.
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post #143 of 1812 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 08:31 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
Apparently I'm not pushing for R hard enough, not fighting for the marriage, had her living in tears for the last couple of weeks using time the kid is away from home. So my emotional closeness killed or marriage in more ways that her "indiscretion".
You must be a generally good guy. I say that because she is working so hard not look like the bad guy to herself, friends and family. If you were avarage she wouldn't have to construct an alternate reality.

Last edited by Graywolf2; 03-04-2016 at 11:30 AM.
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post #144 of 1812 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 11:07 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Double post
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post #145 of 1812 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 12:17 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

She appears to be in a fog about OM.

USE IT.

Shes thrilled to be the target of an alpha chimp. Use it!

Alpha chimps get bored.

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post #146 of 1812 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 01:01 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Or lose momentum. Beta's sometimes get a day in the sun where all their alpha fantasies come true for a brief moment in time. It's why they stay in obit. Please note I said "day". Something that isn't real collapses. One reason I hope Hantel stays focus on "administration" issues.

Very old saying: marry in haste, repent in leisure.
New saying: settle & file, move on or repent in leisure. There is a one year waiting period after all.
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post #147 of 1812 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 03:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by Dyokemm View Post

So you are not fighting hard enough for the M, huh?

But the second thing that I read in this is that she really did expect you to fight the OM to keep her, and is stung that you seem to have quickly rejected her and moved to D.

I suspected as much based on your earlier posts about how she didn't seem to like your 180.
Thanks, your quoted paragraphs are spot on. She also seem to hesitate to move out (why does she want to stay here for another week till or son comes back). In general I sense she feels like leaving home country for a nice job overseas. Exciting but scary and many things and history to miss.
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post #148 of 1812 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 03:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by eric1 View Post
It's impossible to know if it's an exit affair. It doesn't really matter, in the stage you're at your actions need to be the same as any other affair.

Expose and seek legal advice. Expose. Lawyer. Then expose. Then lawyer.

The formula is simple. Just worry about those two things at this point.
It's 8.20 and I'm starting with calls to ones close to me in an hour and 10 minutes. I'm so not looking forward to it.
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post #149 of 1812 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 03:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by Graywolf2 View Post
You must be a generally good guy. I say that because she is working so hard not look like the bad guy to herself, friends and family. If you were avarage she wouldn't have to construct an alternate reality.
That is the only thought that allows me to stay rational. Otherwise I was in coma for all these years and her daily telling me how happy she is was just a dream.
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post #150 of 1812 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 03:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
Handel,

I don't want to go into it now, but I do think you need to explore the reasons she gave you for being unhappy and several other points but at a later date. I do have some questions based on your responses but now is not the time to bring them up. It is Friday night in your country as I post this. You need to focus on the process of separation and exposure now and setting up a structure going forward. Once she is exposed, living at her parents, assets divided, and a new routine established with your son the her fog will begin to lift. In many ways if these matters are not settled they will act as an enabling factor for the fog to continue.
Ask away John if you like. I need a sounding board badly.
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