I don't know what would be the right title - Page 122 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1816 of 1859 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 03:57 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Thanks for checking in Hantei.

I hope that totally different is good. If not that's totally understandable too.

If you have the time or inclination I'd like to hear what your XW wound up doing the past year or so and how your son is making out.

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post #1817 of 1859 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:05 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by AkaHantei View Post
I wasn't going to post any more updates. However out of respect of people here, who were helping me, here's one:

Yes, I'm divorced but what I think matters more than a piece of legal paperwork - I am a totally different man now. Al least that's how I feel.
Hey, brother, thanks for the update. I hope the changes you feel are positive and strengthening. Thank you for the update, and we all wish you happiness moving forward.
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post #1818 of 1859 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:11 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title


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post #1819 of 1859 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:14 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Quote:
Originally Posted by AkaHantei View Post
I wasn't going to post any more updates. However out of respect of people here, who were helping me, here's one:

Yes, I'm divorced but what I think matters more than a piece of legal paperwork - I am a totally different man now. Al least that's how I feel.
How so?

Sorry for what you went through. No matter what it's never easy.

Good luck to your future
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post #1820 of 1859 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:47 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Sorry it was so hard on you, but glad you are choosing you own path again.
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post #1821 of 1859 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:20 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by syhoybenden View Post
"I am a totally different man now."

Sadder but wiser?
I was referring to having a new phone

On a serious note, thanks everyone for the wishes.

I'm not sad, deoressed or God forbid broken however to expect me to be better off bright and joly after loosing my better half of so many years is unrealistic. Lifestyle wise I'm stable but I feel my stance towards relationship and marriage has clearly changed.

Travelled a lot with my kid in order to help to cope and boat is doing fine.

My XW... it was up and down these months from serious attempts of getting me into R to making me the devil incarnate. I'm not sure she's reached the acceptance stage yet. One or two times I was seriously close to attempting R but realised I can't really do it. I liked an idea suggested by someone to divorce then wait then date back then but realised it just doesn't work with your X. Any step from being just coparents to anything ... more romantic inevitably leads to the acceptance of cheating, which I can't do.
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post #1822 of 1859 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:37 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by AkaHantei View Post

My XW... it was up and down these months from serious attempts of getting me into R to making me the devil incarnate. I'm not sure she's reached the acceptance stage yet. One or two times I was seriously close to attempting R but realised I can't really do it. I liked an idea suggested by someone to divorce then wait then date back then but realised it just doesn't work with your X. Any step from being just coparents to anything ... more romantic inevitably leads to the acceptance of cheating, which I can't do.
I wish I was one of those evangelist guys on the TV.

Then I could put my hand on your forehead, give you a quick push back and yell "HEAL!". Then do the same thing for your wife.
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post #1823 of 1859 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:40 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Oh yeah, and then I'd damn her mother to eternal hell-fire.
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post #1824 of 1859 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:21 AM
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Knowing yourself and accepting your lack of capability in accepting infidelity saved you many months or even a year or two of living in limbo.

I'm sure the decision wasn't easy though.
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post #1825 of 1859 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:49 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by AkaHantei View Post
I was referring to having a new phone

On a serious note, thanks everyone for the wishes.

I'm not sad, deoressed or God forbid broken however to expect me to be better off bright and joly after loosing my better half of so many years is unrealistic. Lifestyle wise I'm stable but I feel my stance towards relationship and marriage has clearly changed.

Travelled a lot with my kid in order to help to cope and boat is doing fine.

My XW... it was up and down these months from serious attempts of getting me into R to making me the devil incarnate. I'm not sure she's reached the acceptance stage yet. One or two times I was seriously close to attempting R but realised I can't really do it. I liked an idea suggested by someone to divorce then wait then date back then but realised it just doesn't work with your X. Any step from being just coparents to anything ... more romantic inevitably leads to the acceptance of cheating, which I can't do.
Glad you are doing well and moving forward. Your XW should have begun to accept the fact that her marriage could be over they moment she slept with another man. I do find WSs rush to be the victims of the mess they have created. I think it stems from the fact that in their view everything is ultimately about them. It is like they all read the same how-to book.


“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #1826 of 1859 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:11 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Quote:
Originally Posted by AkaHantei View Post
I was referring to having a new phone

On a serious note, thanks everyone for the wishes.

I'm not sad, deoressed or God forbid broken however to expect me to be better off bright and joly after loosing my better half of so many years is unrealistic. Lifestyle wise I'm stable but I feel my stance towards relationship and marriage has clearly changed.

Travelled a lot with my kid in order to help to cope and boat is doing fine.

My XW... it was up and down these months from serious attempts of getting me into R to making me the devil incarnate. I'm not sure she's reached the acceptance stage yet. One or two times I was seriously close to attempting R but realised I can't really do it. I liked an idea suggested by someone to divorce then wait then date back then but realised it just doesn't work with your X. Any step from being just coparents to anything ... more romantic inevitably leads to the acceptance of cheating, which I can't do.
So...

...is she not "standing up to the crowd and living life to the fullest"?



Sorry man... don't mean to point and laugh.

At least not at you.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #1827 of 1859 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:06 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by AkaHantei View Post

Travelled a lot with my kid in order to help to cope and boat is doing fine.
Those are priceless times, good for you.

Last edited by Decorum; 05-20-2017 at 12:47 AM.
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post #1828 of 1859 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:36 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

This sounds like the best you could hope for with everything she put you through. Don't be a stranger. It helps people when the old stalwarts come back to report.

Best of luck, H!
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post #1829 of 1859 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:07 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by AkaHantei View Post

My XW... it was up and down these months from serious attempts of getting me into R to making me the devil incarnate. I'm not sure she's reached the acceptance stage yet. One or two times I was seriously close to attempting R but realised I can't really do it. I liked an idea suggested by someone to divorce then wait then date back then but realised it just doesn't work with your X. Any step from being just coparents to anything ... more romantic inevitably leads to the acceptance of cheating, which I can't do.
Devil incarnate?

I don't see how that is possible. I thought you treated her fairly.

Sigh...waywards....
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post #1830 of 1859 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:31 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Devil incarnate?

I don't see how that is possible. I thought you treated her fairly.

Sigh...waywards....
She was tentative and slow to get on the R train. She was too passive and did not know what to do, what was required or what might work. Bottom line IMO is that she was a WW that was going to need a lot of hand holding through the process, a lot of support and positive feedback. There was a level of immaturity there. And it takes a special kind of BS to accept that, continue to show patience and still be able to lead the WW through the process.

With that in mind, I am sure when she tried things and found that it really didn't move the needle much, she got discouraged, frustrated and angry.

I don't think that in the long run she was a bad candidate for R, in a sense that she would be inclined to be a repeat offender. I do think she was actually one of the few that quickly realized how badly she F'd up and what she was about to lose.

I won't ever suggest to you how you should feel about it Hantei, but after going through this process I don't believe that she will ever think that she got away with anything. Whether you offer to take her out on a date or not.

JMHO. For what it's worth.
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