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post #16 of 1859 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 05:31 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

As long as you allow her to think she can keep you in place while financing her wayward lifestyle and abusive behavior, she will continue to abuse you and keep,you strung out for her own selfishness. She wants to go on a journey of self discovery? Well, help her get started. Throw her sh!t in garbage bags and toss them out on the front porch.

I'm not kidding. You need to go straight to her...today...and tell he she needs to pack her sh!t and leave. This woman is emotionally and mentally abusing you.

The only thing that foggy, fvcked up waywards like your WW understand is ACTION. The ONLY men we have ever seen who get their cheating wives back are those men who act quickly and decisively, quite literally knocking their partner for a loop by filing for divorce and putting geographic distance between themselves and the WW. She has to understand that you are more than willing to,lose the marriage.

Go see a lawyer this week and get the paperwork in motion. Separate your finances and cut off your joint credit cards. Expose her to family and friends. Do the 180.

Can someone print out the 180 for this boy please?

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post #17 of 1859 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 06:59 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
Thank you very much folks,



I have not expected the responses to be so great. As I said back in 2014 I could not understand why people come here - now I do. Feels like I can talk to someone - I get (logically not emotionally - yet) the need for this to be exposed but once the genie is out of the bottle my chance of having calm and thoughtful discussion on the matter with anyone from circles are almost zero.



You asked great questions I dont have all answers, but for what I know having the right question is 75% of the right answer, isnt it?



Please do not overrate the time I spent here before I just managed to read a few of the stories that I now wanted to use as a baseline but as far as I see it mine is not typical. In these ones the wife was going to fight for the relationship, does not seem to be the case here.



She did not say she wants to divorce me. In fact when I brought the matter up she ended up in tears. But for what I know these could be tears of relieve that the most difficult part is over. After all when I confronted her, her I need someone else message came with the whole list of what she was unhappy in marriage with and it was a complete shocker. She used to tell me how happy she is in the marriage all the time, we were just planning our 1st in a while long holiday without a kiddo and she was really affectionate 5 minutes before she left a room accidentally taking my mobile with her instead of hers (our phones are absolutely identical). I dont drink, make good money, never raised a voice in anger, etc. etc. I need to be a f**g mind reader to spot those problems early enough. It sounded like Im smothering her real her. WTF?



She said this was one time, she ended it, she regrets it. For what I know for the reasons I have listed above this may be happening for a year or two and could still be in progress now. Im not sure if there is any point of playing the detective as basic facts are undeniable.



She said she loves me well, let me just say Im slightly sceptical now. What Im saying that Im not sure how I would have reacted if she was really remorseful and willing to undo the damage, but as this option is clearly not on the table, who am I to stay in the way of real her? Perhaps I dont really know who is she really? So I dont feel like I have a choice now, and honestly not sure if I really need and alternative. I love her Ill let her go.



Im waiting for a call from a lawyer as we speak and now based on one of the suggestions need to book a time with GP for STD test, Great, f**g great she is a nice old lady who has been looking after us for years.



I dont know who the other guy is after all he did not introduce himself in the voice mail undoubtedly he knew shes going to recognise the voice.



Thanks for listening.

If she never mentioned this "problem" of being smothered, then it's unfair of her to claim that's why she cheated. If anything that feeling came after she cheated, because deep down she knows she can't keep both going forever.

And she can say she loves you all she wants. They are just words she is saying to keep you disoriented and compliant to her needs. How did she demonstrate this love? By having sex with another man and then saying she did it because you are suffocating her?

Yeah, you have a cheater and emotional manipulator on your hands. Run! Stop engaging with her, she is messing with your head.


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post #18 of 1859 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 07:20 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
As long as you allow her to think she can keep you in place while financing her wayward lifestyle and abusive behavior, she will continue to abuse you and keep,you strung out for her own selfishness. She wants to go on a journey of self discovery? Well, help her get started. Throw her sh!t in garbage bags and toss them out on the front porch.

I'm not kidding. You need to go straight to her...today...and tell he she needs to pack her sh!t and leave. This woman is emotionally and mentally abusing you.

The only thing that foggy, fvcked up waywards like your WW understand is ACTION. The ONLY men we have ever seen who get their cheating wives back are those men who act quickly and decisively, quite literally knocking their partner for a loop by filing for divorce and putting geographic distance between themselves and the WW. She has to understand that you are more than willing to,lose the marriage.

Go see a lawyer this week and get the paperwork in motion. Separate your finances and cut off your joint credit cards. Expose her to family and friends. Do the 180.

Can someone print out the 180 for this boy please?
In case you missed it poster
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post #19 of 1859 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 07:30 AM
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Welcome fellow Aussie.

Thanks for posting and opening up. I hope we can help you feel not so alone on what you're going through. Am sorry to hear of the circumstances that brought you here.

Wondering if you have expressed to her that you want to work through this, or asked if she would be willing to try counselling?

What can happen in these situations is that the WS becomes so enamoured with the affair that their viewbon their marriage is distorted. So they make an assessment decoding the problems or lackings in the marriage are unable to be overcome bit they are jot making a sober decision whrnn they are still actively engaged in an affair. It's like the madness of being in love but when it's an affair it pulls the person away from you rather than toward you.

If you are wanting to salvage the marriage, try suggesting counselling to help you both work out the next step. A counsellor can be really helpful in bringing insight and clarity.

I know of an excellent marriage counsellor here in Sydney (she is my one and I have seen many in my life and can honestly say she is excellent). She is based in sutherlandshire area and can be flexible with fees if you are in a tough spot. If you're interested, inbox me and I will send you her details.
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post #20 of 1859 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 08:40 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
So it looks like I have been denied even a f**ng say in whether we should try to reconcile or divorce.
Nonsense.

Based on the fact that she cheated, you have to make that decision; not her. And unless or until she demonstrates unconditional, genuine remorse and a commitment to your marriage; your decision should be a simple one. Not easy, but simple.

Last edited by badmemory; 02-24-2016 at 08:57 AM.
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post #21 of 1859 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 09:00 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

"That she needs someone who is enigmatic, artistic and enlightens people around him. Who "stands up in the crowd and lives life to the fullest". She could have handled this better but what happened happened and we all need to take it from here. That was as close to the quote as I can produce ATM. She hasnt answered my question about the divorce and does not seem to want separation but needs "time to asses who she is and what she wants".

she says this, but then in your post #10 you say she 'doesn't want a divorce'?

this is outrageous.

she is holding you hostage over her childish midlife crisis. as the others are saying, unless you call her on it and tell her 'no dice!', she's going to continue
to abuse you. Bandit has it right: abuse.

don't put up with it.
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post #22 of 1859 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 09:15 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Please read and implement the 180. It is hard at the beginning, but is a tool to help you gather some strength so that you can make good decisions. You need to do this. You are reacting with a broken heart. This is understandable and normal, but you are losing yourself as you deal with your pain.

Please try the 180:

The Healing Heart: The 180
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post #23 of 1859 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 09:32 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

He's from Oz? Then they have to separate for a year before they can file for divorce. He can't legally kick her out of the house, so unless she goes willingly he is screwed. He gets to watch her gets dressed up and go out to fvck other men.
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post #24 of 1859 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 09:37 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

BTW, I think the right title would be "My wife is a cheating wh*re".

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #25 of 1859 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 09:45 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

oph

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post #26 of 1859 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 12:20 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
That she needs someone who is enigmatic, artistic and enlightens people around him. Who "stands up in the crowd and lives life to the fullest".
HAHA. I will say this is one of the more creative ones.

Here's what you do.

Become that enigmatic guy - kick her out. File for divorce. Go find a good, respectful, non-cheating wife, live a great life.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
She could have handled this better but what happened happened and we all need to take it from here. That was as close to the quote as I can produce ATM.
Ahh. Here's your double order $**** sammich. Enjoy it, it's still steaming hot.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
She hasnt answered my question about the divorce and does not seem to want separation but needs "time to asses who she is and what she wants". So it looks like I have been denied even a f**ng say in whether we should try to reconcile or divorce.
Wrong. No time to asses. You have all the say.

What you need to say is "get the F out of my life"!



Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
I just can't call relatives and friends and talk to or face them. She hasn't announced anything either AFAIK. I don't know what I'm going to say to our son (who thanks to God is overseas). I don't even know why am I posting this as all decisions and doubts have been taken from me.
Why not?
What did you do wrong?
This is all on her.
She chose to cheat.
She chose to blow up your marriage.
She chose to spread her legs for someone else.
She chose to break your vows.

She now get to reap what she has sown. Let others know. Let them help you. Let them rally for you.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
I get (logically not emotionally - yet) the need for this to be exposed but once the genie is out of the bottle my chance of having calm and thoughtful discussion on the matter with anyone from circles are almost zero.
She's a cheat.
She's a liar.
She's untrustworthy

You won't ever have a calm or thoughtful and most definitely truthful discussion on the matter

Forget that happy line of thought.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
but as far as I see it mine is not typical.
Please stop. This circular thought will crush you.
Yours isn't unique. It is following a standard cheater script


Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
She did not say she wants to divorce me. In fact when I brought the matter up she ended up in tears. But for what I know these could be tears of relieve that the most difficult part is over. After all when I confronted her, her I need someone else message came with the whole list of what she was unhappy in marriage with and it was a complete shocker.
Typical cheater script.
She is gas lighting and marriage rewriting.
She's justifying why it was okay for her to cheat.
Mind you, there is NO reason for cheating.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
She said this was one time,
Let me fix that. It should read "This was the one time you caught her"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
she ended it, she regrets it.
Cheat speak - throw bull schidt to see what sticks.

She regrets getting caught
Plain and simple


Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
She said she loves me
Bully for her. If this is what she does when she loves you, I'd really hate to see what she would do to you if she hated you.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
What Im saying that Im not sure how I would have reacted if she was really remorseful and willing to undo the damage, but as this option is clearly not on the table, who am I to stay in the way of real her? Perhaps I dont really know who is she really? So I dont feel like I have a choice now, and honestly not sure if I really need and alternative. I love her Ill let her go.
You don't know who she is.
The sad part is, you never did.
Cheaters are great Chameleons. They can hide in plain sight for years. Unfortunately, they can't hide what they truly are forever and devastation follows in their wake.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
Im waiting for a call from a lawyer as we speak and now based on one of the suggestions need to book a time with GP for STD test, Great, f**g great she is a nice old lady who has been looking after us for years.
1) lawyer
2) STD test
3) Read up on 180 - implement like yesterday
4) seperate finances now - don't need her spending any more of your money on her friend
5) IC for you - you need to talk with someone to help you realize that this isn't your fault
6) expose far and wide
7) DNA your kid - yes I know your kid is older and overseas - but this isn't to prove you are the father (you raised him so now matter what, you are his father) - this is to show her how much you distrust her.
8) remember, she isn't who you fell in love with. That person was a lie
9) Also remember - she's a cheat and a liar - pretty much everything that comes out of her mouth can't be trusted

We protect ourselves from lies,
By fanatically holding to our own truths.
But when our truths turn to fanaticism,
Our truths become the Lie.
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post #27 of 1859 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 01:33 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
She hasn’t answered my question about the divorce and does not seem to want separation but needs "time to assess who she is and what she wants". So it looks like I have been denied even a f**ng say in whether we should try to reconcile or divorce. I have left a message for a family lawyer this morning.
Here's your response:

"No problem honey. You take all the time you need to "assess" while the lawyer expedites the divorce paperwork through the court system. Do you want to keep the dining room set or would you mind if I take it?"

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. - Maya Angelou

Last edited by BetrayedDad; 02-25-2016 at 08:57 AM.
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post #28 of 1859 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 02:34 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post

she needs someone who is enigmatic, artistic and enlightens people around him. Who "stands up in the crowd and lives life to the fullest".
Sorry you are here OP. It's like 10 pounds of sad in a five pound bag.

She told what she thinks she wants....You can be all these things:

Enigmatic....Stop talking about your relationship...Do what you are doing with the lawyer. Speak to her only about the things that you must for day to day living. Do not appear Sad...Force yourself to be in a good mood...Go out (with friends or alone)..do things. Have fun......Trust me...she will suddenly find you quite mysterious

Artistic....Re-Arrange your room and house to suit your tastes. Go all feng shui with that.

Enlightens people around him....Your actions will "enlighten her" to her actually limited options and to your many and varied options. She will observe you being a strong, independant man not needing a woman/wife...but willing to share your adventure with the right one. You are the one with options. She has the illusion of options.

Live life to the fullest....Do that. By doing so and not taking her crap...you will truly stand out in the crowd.


It sounds as if she is truly unaware of the realities of her situation. You can help her in realization only indirectly...by being strong, confident and in control of your destiny. She is a passenger on your bus....just because she gets off...doesn't mean the rides ends.

Now go forth and be awesome

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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post #29 of 1859 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 03:25 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Quote:
Originally Posted by jorgegene View Post
"That she needs someone who is enigmatic, artistic and enlightens people around him. Who "stands up in the crowd and lives life to the fullest". She could have handled this better but what happened happened and we all need to take it from here. That was as close to the quote as I can produce ATM. She hasnt answered my question about the divorce and does not seem to want separation but needs "time to asses who she is and what she wants".

she says this, but then in your post #10 you say she 'doesn't want a divorce'?

this is outrageous.

she is holding you hostage over her childish midlife crisis. as the others are saying, unless you call her on it and tell her 'no dice!', she's going to continue
to abuse you. Bandit has it right: abuse.

don't put up with it.
By the way, This is the enigmatic and artistic soul she has found.
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post #30 of 1859 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 03:27 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
By the way, This is the enigmatic and artistic soul she has found.
I am an artist,,,my preferred medium is naked chicks

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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