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post #46 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 07:36 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Correct, I have not begged for anything (in fact she told me she is surprised by the apparent lack of emotions and in her speech that reinforced her point about my lack of enigma) but I'm not sure how would I have reacted if she asked for reconciliation. So if I'll follow what seems to be the most common advice here (divorce and move on) it is not because I'm so mentally strong bit because that seems to be the best and only way forward.

As for the rest (long hours, attention) - did you plant a listening device in my home?
This plus an apparent according to her lack of active social life is the most confusing part for me as I have been always encouraging this and she was more like let's spend the evening together.

You know her being my best friend and my best mate and the person I do prefer to spend time with is not a metaphor, but we did have a bright and active social life. I don't know how much more of that she wants short of being a party girl again.
It is what all cheaters do my friend. They are never to blame and they so easly put all blame on you.
That is where things go even worse. Some of us took that blame because our mind and life is already ***..ed up and we cant see it,so our wives and husbands once more took advantage of us.

I was never married before my friend ,but last year on february I got rid of a cheating fiance and I thought my life is over. But looking now (one year smarter) I could say it was the best decision.

People are telling you to Divorce her because she is not showing any signs of remorseful and how sorry she was. She even keep doing it but she will open her eyes once she got serverd but I hope it will be to late for her.
You cant have your "fun and finding yourself" on someone others back and then just say lets work together.

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post #47 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 07:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Yes I did go through it and I can tell you that in the court room ( yes I had to go to court) there were 26 people. 25 of them were betrayed spouses.
It is sh1t but she wants what she wants.


You will need a separation agreement.

While your wife is in the new relationship fog she will be happy to give away custody of the kids. You do NOT have to involve the courts and in fact it is discouraged in Australia

This details who pays for what, when and how. This can be done by email. You can in fact Divorce by email too..
This is a good site

Write a separation agreement detailing the things mentioned in the site. It does not have to be a novel. Make is 3 month review and do it again then. Things will change in the next 3 months

It sucks but she is telling you it is over. All you can do is remove as much pain and suffering as you can.

Your son probably already knows something is wrong. Do not wait too long
I have saved a copy of your post. Thanks so much. No my son doesn't know as he's not at home but he will be devastated when he's told.
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post #48 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 07:39 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

We also do online divorce, only if uncontested, though. If the couple can agree on asset and custody matters, the online divorce saves literally thousands to tens of thousands in fees. If you can come to an agreement that is fair and file online, I highly suggest it based on my experience here in the US.

When my exH and I divorced, we agreed to visitation and the judge just ok'd it. Judges here don't much care about how visitation is set up as long as the parents involved are happy with their agreement.

Our state divorce laws require parents divorcing with minor children go to 3 counseling sessions and the law also says that a divorce cannot be granted less than 6 months after being filed. Turns out, in reality, judges waive those requirements all the time provided the couple are in agreement. If you want to get things done, it couldn't hurt to ask if waivers are a possibility.
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post #49 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 07:41 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

I'm beginning to think there should be a health warning on women

'when reaching age 40 or there about's handle with caution

If goods are shaken may explode with messy fallout'
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post #50 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 07:44 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

ADD

Oh and one for men as well

Am I PC or what
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post #51 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 08:02 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

He probably projects an artistic vibe, can bluff about films, art and the like.

There used to be a series of books called 'the Bluffer's Guide to...' and it covered art, film appreciation, management techniques and so on.

That's him. A bluffer.

Your wife has blown her life for a few risky sexual encounters.
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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!

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post #52 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 08:18 PM
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When my wife first confronted me with my affair, she had 2 stacks of paper. One was pages and pages of texts between me and the OW. The other was a copy of the divorce proceedings. I told her everything and we are now working towards reconciliation 3 long months later. The holidays were awful

I'm sorry to hear your story, I hope it all works out the way you want it to. Stay strong.
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post #53 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 08:23 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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I'm beginning to think there should be a health warning on women

'when reaching age 40 or there about's handle with caution

If goods are shaken may explode with messy fallout'
LOL. From my experience, I would say the trigger point is between the ages of 33-35......
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post #54 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 08:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Your wife has blown her life for a few risky sexua encounters.
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OR perhaps - and the more I think about it more it feels like a very possible outcome - she'll be with her new boyfriend living happily everafter.

At least her behavior doesn't feel like her life is blown. .. and I can't be sure she's not seeing him right now.

I need to start getting used to it for the next couple of months. Will probably wait to my son gets back and them move out.

Should I try do find out more - like if she's still cheating or not my problem anymore?
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post #55 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 09:22 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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I'm 42, she is 40. Knew her since high school, been together and inseparable since then hence the early marriage.
This is classic. In fact I’ve developed a profile or list of risk factors.
1. Around 40
2. Empty or about to be empty nest
3. New job or went back to school
4. Reconnected with old boyfriend or runs with a younger crowd
5. Married young. Limited or no sexual experience with other men
6. Lost weight. Has a trainer

These women want to prove that they still have it. Sometimes these women have no intention of ever leaving their husband. Your wife obviously does.

Your wife does love you but it’s like a brother. You even grew up with each other. She considers you an old friend and doesn’t want to hurt you. She values the stability and security you offer but it’s boring.

What’s simple for you at this point is that there is only one way to go. Divorce talk will make it real for her. She’s like a monkey in that she wants to grab a new branch before she lets go of the old one. She’s not sure it the new branch will support her weight.


There is an old saying that men give attention for sex and women give sex for attention.

The following was written by a player. I don’t know if her other man (OM) was a player or not and I’m not making excuses for your wife. I’m adding it to illustrate how a husband can’t compete with a new guy that is willing to expend tremendous amounts of time and energy to get into a woman’s pants.

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.
For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.

1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.
The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what.

My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.
Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either.

They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.

I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.
It was never about love, just sex.

I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.




Last edited by Graywolf2; 02-24-2016 at 10:21 PM.
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post #56 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 09:45 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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My whole situation doesn't make any sense to me. It's all upside down.

She didn't want an artist as such as far as I can gather but some sort of a ... celebrity I guess?
Women are attracted to celebrities. Even seemingly sensible women will often gush about very ordinary looking guys if they are famous enough.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #57 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 09:47 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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OR perhaps - and the more I think about it more it feels like a very possible outcome - she'll be with her new boyfriend living happily everafter.

At least her behavior doesn't feel like her life is blown. .. and I can't be sure she's not seeing him right now.

I need to start getting used to it for the next couple of months. Will probably wait to my son gets back and them move out.
That's just your one-man pity party kicking off. Ignore it.

Odds are she'll be calling you to talk about getting back together anywhere within a few weeks to a few months. Her demeanor will be anywhere between blowing-snotballs-at-your-feet-while-begging-for-another-chance and indifferent-with-a-touch-of-quiet-faux-dignity. Be prepared for that conversation.

Also be ready for her to completely flip her sh*t once she finds out that you've moved on and started dating as well.

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Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
Should I try do find out more - like if she's still cheating or not my problem anymore?
Doesn't matter at this point, IMO.

It's time for you to start detaching a bit more; to that end, familiarize yourself w/ what is commonly called "the 180".

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #58 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 10:06 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Hantei,

Canada has somewhat similar laws but don't let that intimidate you. It did intimidate me but looking at it through a clear lens the one year wait period means nothing.

Contact your lawyer or lawyers and tell them you want to initiate the separation process. Start gathering your financial information and pay to have the separation agreement prepared on your end. You want to have control over this.
Contact a real estate agent and sell your house. Notify your lawyer of course before you do this.
Sell the house, move out separated. Start healing.

When I had heard the above. It was impossible for me to comprehend. IMPOSSIBLE. I also had preschool children in the mix.

But I did it. It was the hardest thing in my life but I did it.

To add: I'm nothing special. I didn't have massive help. I was and is just as everyone else. It can be done.

Godspeed. You can do this but the first step is file that separation agreement right away and get counselling.

I'm so sorry. I know what this sounds like. I really do.
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post #59 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 10:13 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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OR perhaps - and the more I think about it more it feels like a very possible outcome - she'll be with her new boyfriend living happily everafter.

At least her behavior doesn't feel like her life is blown. .. and I can't be sure she's not seeing him right now.

I need to start getting used to it for the next couple of months. Will probably wait to my son gets back and them move out.

Should I try do find out more - like if she's still cheating or not my problem anymore?
Odds are he's married and he's just salesman looking for some a$$.

Can you look up the phone records and track his wife down?
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post #60 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 10:48 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Should I try do find out more - like if she's still cheating or not my problem anymore?
Don't bother, chances are she's destroyed most of it now that you're in the know.

I'm in your boat right now, only I haven't confronted yet. Still looking for that conclusive piece so I can throw it in her face, its wearing me down I can tell you that much.

Life sucks. Marriage is a bloody joke, tell your son to stay far away from it. Oh and speak to a lawyer.
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