I don't know what would be the right title - Page 51 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #751 of 1859 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 09:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Hantei, you are doing a perfect 180. . . by the book, not many can or do cos it's damn hard. I have said that to you before.
You are right that is hard. I'm just not posting much about it. Did it once when I was 5 minutes away from breaking it - and it (posting) did help.

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I, for one have seen your anger, from the beginning. But you have put your nose to the grindstone, held it all in for your son and the 180 for STBXW which is advocated over and over again on TAM and dealt with everything that needs to be dealt with in this situation. And I bet you find yourself when driving or walking down the street swearing under your breath. I did & still do while smiling at the world at large.

...
So yes, I know how angry you feel and it jumps off these pages to me. And I know only too well what it feels like.
Correct, a lot of people here seems to read me like an open book. Saves me from typing I am sorry you have been through these issues yourself, no one deserves that. Applies to pretty much any poster to my thread as well.

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I can't recall reading about any BS on here who got the financials & legals sorted, in a matter of weeks after D-day. It's really important no matter whether there's R or not, to show WS you are not a walkover. And that shows her loud & clear. And yet, you managed that too in the face of your anger.
Appreciate the positive reinforcement however for the sake of clarity: In Australia we can apply for divorce under one year of separation, so whatever I have done in that legal $ financial department is just enough for the separation countdown to start, it's far from over but I have the time now. The fact that my STBXW suddenly discovered she can't afford the $600+ AUD bill for my son's clothing is a perfect illusrtation of the mess we're in.

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I bet you'd like a few hairy, tattooed blokes to pay SOB a visit. All they'd have to do is stand there & ask him politely when he was leaving town. Would be fun to watch heh heh! I'll leave you with that pleasant thought.
Now this is one of my few genuine laughs for the last couple of weeks. How should I say that... I'm not hairy and have only one tatoo (on my shoulder) but those who know me personally know I can do physical (my nickname is a hint). So I don't need a 3rd party to pay him a visit. And - as I mentioned before - I'm beginning to entertain an idea of very pilit and legal face to face discussion with him.

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post #752 of 1859 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 09:27 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

{The fact that my STBXW suddenly discovered she can't afford the $600+ AUD bill for my son's clothing is a perfect illusrtation of the mess we're in.}

WTH!!!! All that upper class breeding and she can't do math????

Tell her call SOB or MIL you aren't her problem anymore. She's tryin to impress the kid with material things probably to make up for her recent behavior.
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post #753 of 1859 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 09:29 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Does Australia have the waiver of the year for infidelity?

If it does tell her let's use that and you can be free much sooner to pursue her other interests.
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post #754 of 1859 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 09:30 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
Once again- as if you were in the same room. I feel like I'm virtually related to a dozen of strangers here

She is not like that - e.g. turning tears on when needed- quite the opposite if you ask me (of course one would say she is also not the like to cheat. I'm finding a strange consolation she thought it's live even if it was lust as you put it - not some drunken F%=÷ck-and-forget ONS). So I'd say that combined with the way she looks this was not a show. Apparently when she asked for a leave her boss didn't have to ask why.

I think feeling used is the right word. Doesn't mean she's over him but... let me try to answer that without TMI: her relatives got worried when she started to exhibit symptoms consistent with "being used". They started to dig and she went off rails. Can you read between lines?

All in all yyour impression is not wrong and I intend to go on with 180 and all... which is easier to do if it gets validated and supported, that's why I post so much. Is there a whimper icon here?
Well, there's this:

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #755 of 1859 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 09:56 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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What??? That's heresy!!!!

I lurve the wayward forum. I've only been banned 4 times or was it 5?

You really need to comment there. Let me know when. I want to read it before it gets deleted.
Nah. Better things to do w/ my time.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #756 of 1859 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 10:27 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
@marduk and @Chaparral,

I am flaming mad. I also have about a 1000 of names I want to call her as well as spiteful and vengeful remarks to her.


The thing is- my understanding of 180 is that I need to be business like - formal and cold but polite. Am I wrong in my interpretation?
That's what I'm doing- you see I'm that sort of person who follows the advice once I decide that's a right thing to do.

I'm not a f^^$$ng turn the other check do gooder. Very opposite. Actually that was the reason for my STBXW remark that she's shocked I turned "professional" on her not being vengeful and spiteful (mind you in 20 plus years I've never been like that with her - had no reason to).

In terms of my posts here- ok, I AM mad. I work out like crazy in order not to a how it to my son and STBXW (180). Now when financial and legal matters are almost in order I'm beginning to think that's SOB'S turn now to face the music.

Does that count; Sorry, not all people express anger by drumming their chests and making empty statements.
Nothing in the 180 says you can't be angry.

Just not to her.

Let it out, man. You're not Spock. Here at least.

Anger is a signpost that things need to change. And dammit things need to change for you.
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post #757 of 1859 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 10:45 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

the 180 is designed for you to detach from your current wife and move on to your next life. Not for getting your wife back. Make sure you understand this.

However, nothing is written in stone. You didn't necessarily take a monks vow of silence. If the opportunity arises where you really need to make a point I would not hesitate to speak my mind. Then go right back to the 180. I think there are instances where everyone needs a good dose of reality.

Example: one of the posters here contacted me on an issue with the stbxw constantly wanting to be "friends".

You'll get that too btw.

So he wrote her a letter explaining why he couldn't in very plain English ending with he couldn't stand to look at her. End of story and done.
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post #758 of 1859 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 11:03 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Not sure what does that mean?
I was referring to another comment about the plate breaking. Looks I forgot to quote it.
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post #759 of 1859 (permalink) Old 04-06-2016, 06:33 AM
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post #760 of 1859 (permalink) Old 04-06-2016, 06:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Nothing in the 180 says you can't be angry.

Just not to her.

Let it out, man. You're not Spock. Here at least.

Anger is a signpost that things need to change. And dammit things need to change for you.
OK. Grrrrrrr! Waaagh!

Don't worry, changes are coming.

Seriously- you are correct, I'm just not showing it.

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post #761 of 1859 (permalink) Old 04-06-2016, 06:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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I was referring to another comment about the plate breaking. Looks I forgot to quote it.
Thanks for clarification . I liked the comment though.
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post #762 of 1859 (permalink) Old 04-06-2016, 06:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Where is your wife staying? How often are you seeing her?
At her parents. ATM at least. Almost every weekday when she's spending time with son.
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post #763 of 1859 (permalink) Old 04-06-2016, 06:53 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Sounds like she's coming home everyday to "see her son." I would ask her to make other arrangements. Tell her you're separated waiting to divorce and she needs to move on. If she gives you the you're not fighting for the marriage speech, tell her she fired you and the ball is in her court.
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post #764 of 1859 (permalink) Old 04-06-2016, 06:56 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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At her parents. ATM at least. Almost every weekday when she's spending time with son.
How is your son taking this? She's stringing him along too.
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post #765 of 1859 (permalink) Old 04-06-2016, 11:48 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
Sounds like she's coming home everyday to "see her son." I would ask her to make other arrangements. Tell her you're separated waiting to divorce and she needs to move on. If she gives you the you're not fighting for the marriage speech, tell her she fired you and the ball is in her court.
This is very good advice H.

I said before that being the old softie that I am, I'm hoping for a happy ending and I sort of hope this includes R. I say this because you speak so highly of the twenty years that lead up to this and how happy you were and I can imagine that anybody would want to return to those happier times. So yes, for your sake I wish there was some way to restore you back to those happy days when all was right in your world. I know the damage done, and I've re-read the entire thread three times now to let everything sink in. I'm getting a really good feel for why it is so unlikely and have picked up on so many things that I overlooked or didn't grasp in the first reading. I understand where she went wrong if R was ever to be considered and why you feel it isn't on the table, frankly I would be of the same mind.

This is why the advice is so good. She needs to start getting a sense of what she has thrown away. Allowing her to spend every evening in the marital home with the family is still affording her to hold on to a shred of normalcy. Normalcy that should be taken from her with a splash in the face of reality.

You live somewhere else now, you chose a different life with a different partner so go lie in your bed. You don't get the benefits of hanging around here and pretending you've done nothing wrong. You threw that privilege away for a life with somebody else. The benefit of hanging around here and spending time in my presence is generously given to those that show me respect and deserve my time and energy, not people that so willing discard my feelings and do so much damage and destruction to me and my son.

Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.
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